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APs as Attention Seekers - How to Cope

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bionicgal posted 3/19/2014 08:46 AM

We live in a small city, and AP was on the outskirts of our circle of friends. i.e. she and her H did things with them, but knew them primarily through us.

She is also a total facebook-aholic. I have blocked her on there, but stuff still comes up, as it seems she is trying to cultivate better relationships with some of my friends. Case in point -- she is having a pretty good friend of mine crochet her a hat -- bought her the yarn, etc. This is someone who is clearly a better friend of mine, but does not know about the A. I have to think she'd have serious reservations about doing it if she knew, but we have told few people about the A because there are kids involved. But the point is, it is being done publicly - YKWIM? It is a facebook event for some reason. That strikes me as odd, and likely not accidental.

So, yesterday another friend (who isn't as close to me) has posted all these pics of AP learning to snowboard, of all things. (AP is 43, mind you, and not outdoorsy.) So, I am treated to pictures of her being posted not only on this friend's wall, but on another, very close, friend's wall. WTF?

I am at a loss. Yes, I can quit facebook, I suppose. But I feel like AP is rubbing this in my face all the time, and I have tried to take the high road and be considerate for all the people involved by not outing her sorry ass. If it weren't for the kids I'd blanket facebook with her behavior, but how do I deal with the feelings of resentment and injustice? I feel like she is getting away with being a word I can't say on R, and I am struggling with the feeling of injustice about it.

I know I shouldn't care, but how do I not feel so powerless? How do I stay on the high road? I do think it is the best thing for my son, and her kids as well.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 8:47 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

LosferWords posted 3/19/2014 09:00 AM

Have you thought about blocking on facebook, so you no longer see any of her updates/posts, etc.?

In my case, OM is still mutual facebook friends (as far as I still know) with a couple of my facebook friends. I have him blocked, so I never see if he is commenting, or even thumbing something up.

I don't think there's any reason you should have to give up facebook, but blocking her might be a good idea.

bionicgal posted 3/19/2014 09:03 AM

I have her blocked, so what I see is what mutual friends are posting, or sometimes I can just read between the lines in a post that she has posted on, or she'll get tagged.

Yesterday the pics were being sent from one friend to another friend and being posted publicly. I have no idea why.

I think my bigger issue is just the cultivating of friendships with my friends, and having them do things for her. (Teach her snowboarding, crochet her something. . ). I am trying to imagine my H doing that to the other OBS, and he just wouldn't.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:05 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

AML04 posted 3/19/2014 09:06 AM

Oh gosh BG, I wish I had answers for you. You know I struggle with this as well and I'm "lucky" enough that she is not in my group of friends in even a peripheal way. WH still works with AP but technically she is not IN our lives any more.

Did you introduce them to your friends? Have they noticed you don't hang out any more? I doubt this is possible but I'm trying to brain storm. Could you approach OBS and explain that these people are your friends and if she insists on pushing herself into the group you might be forced to let them know what kind of person she is?

It's hard to get to indifference without anything like this and it would be horrible if you no longer wanted to hang out with your friends for fear of hearing about/running into AP.

Gunsmith posted 3/19/2014 09:06 AM

After DDay we both got rid of FB. Haven't looked back since. I don't even miss it. Would suggest the same, all ur real friends have ur number anyways. But that's just my 2 cents

brokensmile322 posted 3/19/2014 09:12 AM

I understand where you are coming from… This happens quite a bit on fb in general in my experience. I am not friends with AP and can't even imagine, but I watch so many women doing this on fb. Tagging themselves with friends etc.. It's like high school all over.

Blocking her is not stopping her from making friends with your friends. If you outed her, are you sure they would choose you over her anyway? I have seen this quite a bit in my own community where people listen to the sad tale of infidelity, but then maintain or continue to foster friendship with the OW.

The only thing you could do would be to fight fire with fire. And that is to engage said friends in more friendship. But it seems so high school. What do you think your options are?

Sadly, it just sucks!

bionicgal posted 3/19/2014 09:14 AM

AML - So far we have been able to maintain our relationships with the social circle because they kind of bowed out of some things. (A dining club, and the church we go to, at least momentarily.) And we gave up regular access to our favorite gym and the community there. So, we both made some concessions.

But what I am seeing is that if OBS isn't involved, then she seems to have no decorum about it at all. And part of me is loathe to mention it to OBS because 1.) I feel like he is an enabler and will defend whatever she does, and 2.) She will know that I care and that it is getting to me.

LosferWords posted 3/19/2014 09:17 AM

Didn't realize that she was blocked and that you are still seeing updates indirectly about her via your friends. Ugh.

Looks like you are getting some more good advice here, just wanted to come back and offer hugs and support.


bionicgal posted 3/19/2014 09:20 AM

Brokensmile -
Thanks for asking the bigger questions. You are right that there is no guarantee that people would shun her at all. . and I certainly don't want to feel like I am in some contest over people's loyalty. We have one friend who is close to both of us who has to do a precarious dance to stay friends with both of us. I don't know if I can handle multiple relationships like that.

I don't want to cultivate friendships for false reasons, either. I can't be high school about it; I won't. But, there is a part of me that just recoils at the injustice of it, and is just so offended.

I know that the answer is just that I have to live my life with as much integrity as I can, and love my friends as best I can (although it feels bad keeping a secret) and deal with the inevitable intrusions into my life with the knowledge that I am doing the right thing by my family.

But honestly, on a feeling level, that is kind of unsatisfying.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 9:22 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

refuz2bavictim posted 3/19/2014 09:22 AM

I am treated to pictures of her being posted not only on this friend's wall, but on another, very close, friend's wall. WTF?

Can you talk to this very close friend and perhaps confide in her. You and your H are clearly well into R.

Taking the high road does not mean you can't have support. You could talk to your close friends in confidence. It really would not be out of line. It's a risk you would be taking, but a true friend is someone who would want what is best for you. Otherwise, they have no way of knowing that the pictures they post are causing you discomfort. If they knew, they would likely, not post them. If she is continually looking for ways to insert herself into your circles, there isn't much you can do to stop her. It is a crappy thing to do on her part.

Otherwise the options are pretty limited. Leaving FB or accepting the injustice of the situation.

brokensmile322 posted 3/19/2014 09:44 AM

I hear you Bionicgal. This just sucks and it hurts and it is unfair.


You could talk to your close friends in confidence.

What I have seen in my group of friends when ^^ this is done. Is this….

We have one friend who is close to both of us who has to do a precarious dance to stay friends with both of us

I think if I outed it and then my friends did this^^ my feelings would be more hurt. ANd I would think to myself… Gosh, I told people only to have them do the dance.

I'm sorry Bionicgal. I have this happening right now with a friend that I dropped recently. She has done this same thing to me on fb and it hurts.

Recently, my daughter was having a mean girl issue like this at school. After offering advice, I pointed out my own life. Told her that I am 43 and still dealing with mean girls. Lesson is---there will always be difficult people in the world.

It just really sucks that one of your mean girls is the AP.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 9:45 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

TheBestMe posted 3/19/2014 10:01 AM

((bionicgal)) ...Oh the perils of Facebook. I blocked OW from my page. But, I have learned that by setting up another page any blocked person can view public info.

The scary thing is that anyone with a FB page can contact your friends.

Because I couldn't stop myself from stalking OW and having obsessive revenge fantasies I closed my FB page.

got rid of FB. Haven't looked back since. I don't even miss it. Would suggest the same, all ur real friends have ur number anyways.

I so agree with ^^^.

BtraydWife posted 3/19/2014 10:39 AM

Yesterday the pics were being sent from one friend to another friend and being posted publicly. I have no idea why

I think this is what people do on facebook. Especially if she is weaseling her way in with your close friends. The only way to stop this is to tell them.

You don't have to tell everyone but if she and her OBS ran is somewhat the same circle, then exposure is the only way to get her blatant attempts to stop.

Can you imagine how horrible your close friend will feel when she finds out what has happened and that she made a hat for this whore and shared her photos? She'll be upset you didn't tell her. So tell her now, you can explain why you didn't tell at first but be honest about why you are sharing now. This stuff is too close to you and it upsets you. You have to be honest with her or there is going to be some resentment on your part eventually.

Tell your close friend. It will help you a bunch.

bionicgal posted 3/19/2014 11:07 AM

Btrayed Wife,

I think this is what people do on facebook. Especially if she is weaseling her way in with your close friends.

We actually call her a derivation of weaseling (sorry, in R, can't say it.) Funny you put it like that!

[This message edited by bionicgal at 11:07 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

rachelc posted 3/19/2014 11:10 AM

she's doing this on purpose and imagine how sick a person has to be to keep themselves relevant in another person's life. A person they hurt. If she had an decency and remorse at all she would leave these friendship groups so you could maintain them. Proves how selfish she is.

Edie posted 3/19/2014 11:27 AM

hmmmm. Sounds like she is (still) trying to be you, imitation being the sincerest form of flattery. Either confide in a couple of friends (such as the knitting one) or stay off Facebook for a wee while. She sounds like she is trying (very) a little too hard and mutual friends will begin to smell that from her. IMO

bionicgal posted 3/19/2014 12:24 PM

Thanks, everyone. I've been talking with H about it, and she does have this uncanny way of getting people to do things for her and focus on her. I did it when we were friends (how many times did I drop off soup or goodies to her because she was "so sick" or her kids needed us? Or clean the house with excessive diligence because of her kids allergies? Too many. And, my H did it in the affair. Her H, too -- she gets a whole birthday week, not just a day.)

And in the A, when H tried to break it off before it got physical, she was "devastated" and used all the same tactics. She has a kind-looking face, and appears kind of passive, so I think people are fooled. People are very earnest here in the Midwest, and if she is somehow playing the wounded bird here, she is getting lots of attention and help. Can't believe my H fell for it. I guess I just have to let her face her own unhappiness and karma. And who knows, maybe she is blissfully happy in her cotton-candy, me me me world, and I'll just have to live with that, too.

But, I doubt it.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 12:27 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

Lovedyoumore posted 3/19/2014 12:48 PM

Yes, you can block them, but pictures of them will pop up on other friends FB. When I was in spy mode right after DDay, I found pictures of her home, including a party where my H was in attendance on a friend of friend page. Now, I occasionally get photos, especially untagged photos, in my friends updates. The OW set out, even after DDay, to make friends with my friends. On DDay there were 30 or so. The last I looked there were over 60 friends in common.

She is a media hound. She needs to update everyone on twitter, google, FB, blog, and business website with every exciting detail of her wonderfully authentic life. I see her on our local TV at least once every other week and even on a national news show last month. It is hard, but you have to let it roll.

veronique12 posted 3/19/2014 13:37 PM

I agree, you should speak with your close friend (the one making the hat) about the A and what's happening now with her attention seeking and weaseling in on your friends. If she's really your friend she will get it. If one of my dear friends told me that my actions were inadvertently hurting them, I'd stop immediately.

I just went through something similar. We had some mutual friends on FB. They are all unfriended now bc I couldn't take the updates and pics. If these were really close friends, I would have told them that I'm sorry that I have to unfriend them on FB but that doesn't mean we're not friends anymore in the real world.

I know it's so hard to keep to the high road when you feel the injustice of it. OW in my case is a total social media slut with thousands of twitter followers. There have been so many times I've fantasized about posting on her twitter feed about what a pathetic, disgusting slug she is for all to see, but I haven't... bc I'm trying to be the better person, though sometimes I really do have to talk myself down from doing it.

whattheh posted 3/19/2014 16:38 PM

Maybe you should warn at least your female friends about her antics. They may like to know to be on watch or distance themselves from her. Plus maybe she'd get the type of attention she deserves.

[This message edited by whattheh at 4:40 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

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