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still sex issue (tmi)

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deena04 posted 3/19/2014 10:10 AM

Help...I do not want sex anymore with my WS even though we are trying to R. I never had this issue until recently. I am fine until he lays a hand on me and then I can't get far enough away quick enough. We are cuddling, holding each other, and trying to be close since a few of you recommended that a few days back, but it's getting worse for me. It's like my body refuses to cooperate.

BtraydWife posted 3/19/2014 10:15 AM

Maybe it's just too soon for you? If you tried cuddling and it didn't help then I'd stop and not push it for a while. Are you enjoying spending time together doing activities? Maybe you should start there and take it slow. Holding hands on occasion, laughing together and having fun. That helps to build affection. Don't force physical stuff that upsets you.

Morhurt posted 3/19/2014 12:43 PM

That's hard. I agree with taking it off the table for a while. When you are cuddling etc, does that in itself feel bad or is it the anticipation of where it may lead?

I also read about gazing into each others eyes. This might be good because there doesn't need to be physical touch but it still creates intimacy. I find it very difficult at first but after a few minutes I love it.

deena04 posted 3/19/2014 12:55 PM

My problem is that it wasn't a problem until very recently. I decided firmly on R very recently and that night, it was wonderful. Since then, I can't get into it. Cuddling and looking at him is awkward for me now. I just don't get it. I am trying that, but it seems really weird for me. Maybe I am overthinking it. Who knows?

Morhurt posted 3/19/2014 13:00 PM

I think it just takes time, everything is "normal" in the sense that we are all different and have different needs. And they change. Perhaps you are over thinking it and maybe just allowing yourself to be for a bit will help. No pressure to want sex, or to cuddle, just follow how you feel.

guiltee posted 3/19/2014 13:36 PM

Hi all...its been quite a while since i have lasted posted....but this touched home a bit for me. It has been 7 years since my BS (BBF) and i began to repair the damage. It has been a very long road and we still love each other very much. The only part of our relationship that has not healed is the sexual part. He will come up with so many 'reasons' why our relationship is not a physical one at all any longer. Its a difficult pill to swallow on my end (i am guessing on his end as well). I know this is certainly not the norm and i am not sure what path is before us but its hard when there are so many feelings involved from past and present. One day at time is all that has helped me. Some days it is ok for the physical part to not be there and then other days, it is not so easy. I miss that part of us. I am hopeful things will be repaired for us as i have seen it for so many others here. I hope you are one of those that will be able to work things through in a positive way.

Me: WS (WGF) - 42 y.o.
Him: BS (BBF) - 45 y.o.
Years Together: 18 plus
D-Day: 12/31/2006
Still trying to make things day at a time.

BtraydWife posted 3/19/2014 15:24 PM

I think it's normal that it's an issue now but wasn't before.

Deciding on R puts you in a very vulnerable place. Touching and being intimate is a vulnerable experience. Maybe it's just too much "risk" for you right now.

Lots of people have a false R or another dday. It's ok not to be 100% vulnerable until you know he's in it for the long term and for real.

I would treat it as a phase that will pass as you feel more secure in your R. It's ok to wait on that stuff, even if you are trying to R. A remorseful WS will understand.

I think you are over analyzing that this is happening, not that you are over analyzing the cuddling. You aren't ready. Things have changed. Give yourself time.

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