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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: WS Extremely Erratic Behavior
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 10:21 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm getting increasingly concerned with my wife. First there was the affair, which seemed out of character for her. Now her behavior is becoming increasingly erratic. Not anything that would be a red flag that the affair has continued, just an emotional wreck.

She's always had issues with handling her emotions. She's always had angry outbursts and panic attacks, but they are becoming more intense and they are set off by much less.

Last night a spider landed on her as we were getting ready for bed. She's never liked spiders, but never had an intense phobia. Last night she had a complete panic attack to the point that it took me 15 minutes to get her to get into bed. Normally she would have screamed, brushed it off, shuttered and it would have been over.

We are both in IC right now. I have an appointment today. But I'm really getting concerned that this behavior is getting worse. At first I brushed it off as the stress of the situation. Now I'm not so sure.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 552 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 10:28 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She's always had issues with handling her emotions.

So she doesn't have healthy coping skills to start and now she has to come to terms with potentially f'ing up her marriage. This is a self destruct recipe.

I would say that her increase in erratic behavior is normal. She's probably spent her life trying to deny and distract herself from the issues she now has to face.

Can you possibly speak with her counselor just to let them know your concerns. Then they can be aware of the issues and address them during her sessions.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2413 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:29 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Gently....stop worrying about her, and focus on you. I know it's hard, but the obsession with what she's thinking, feeling, going through only stalls your own healing and forward movement.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 10:39 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

betrayedspous,

You are probably right. It really concerns me. I've seen her like this once before. It was medication related, but it all came to a head when she tried to jump out of a moving car because I was turning into the Walmart parking lot and she wanted to go to Target. I'm concerned she's going to do something self destructive or damaging. I mean something in addition to what she's already done.

I plan on mentioning it to the counselor today. I just don't want my sessions to turn into a session for my wife.

Nora,

I'm working on my pain. And I'm not obsessing. Just concerned.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 552 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
Nature_Girl
♀ 32554
Member # 32554
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She jumped out of a moving vehicle? She sounds extremely unbalanced. People with normal thoughts & coping skills don't do shit like that.


Me = BS (Stay-at-home-mom)
Him = EX-d out (abusive troglodyte NPD SA)
3 tween-aged kids
Together 20 years
D-Day: Memorial Weekend 2011
2013 - DIVORCED!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wJgjyDFfJuU

Posts: 10035 | Registered: Jun 2011 | From: USA
craig2001
♂ 55
Member # 55
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It was medication related, but it all came to a head when she tried to jump out of a moving car because I was turning into the Walmart parking lot and she wanted to go to Target.
IS she still taking this medication?

Something is very wrong obviously with jumping out of moving cars for that reason. Good thing it wasn't on the highway for some odd reason.

You dont have to turn the MC sessions into her sessions, but I think a professional therapist and medical doctor needs to know about this.


Posts: 4298 | Registered: Jun 2002
kate0421
♀ 40819
Member # 40819
Default  Posted: 11:08 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As someone with anxiety/panic attacks and even suffered agoraphobia through my last pregnancy, When large things in life can't be controlled and you have no control over them, anxiety/panic attacks and even Obsessive behaviors in order to try and control something can happen. I have become a couponexpert ever since this has all been going on just to have control over something and organizations. To be honest my advise would be to stop giving her the attention and focus on yourself. If you arnt always there to help/save/fix her problem she will be forced to learn how to handle it herself. Now if she is on/off meds and suicidal then disregard what I'm saying... best of luck


ME: BS
HIM: WS
Together over 10yrs
2 children
DDAY 9/23/2013- 2 ONS (2009-2010)
TT. 5/14/2014- slept with OW1 twice

Posts: 280 | Registered: Sep 2013 | From: Florida
Faithful w/Love
♀ 33128
Member # 33128
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

but it all came to a head when she tried to jump out of a moving car because I was turning into the Walmart parking lot and she wanted to go to Target.

She doesn't need a therapist she needs to see a Physicist ASAP! If she is on med's than this could be a med that is doing her harm more than good, If she is not on med's than she needs to be.

If she is trying to jump out of a moving car all because you went to Walmart and she wanted to go to Target there is some really unbalanced Mental Health going on. It will get worse if she does not get the appropriate care.

I know you are worried about her but you need to also worry about you and healing. I would also be worried that she could snap on you if she get angry enough or just because she feels she can in her state.


BS(ME)40 WH(HIM)38
DD 20 and DS 15
Separated Aug 2012
Moved back home Oct 31 2013
Separated again June 2014. Heading toward divorce.
False R. Still Lying.

"You never know how strong you are until being strong is all you have left"


Posts: 2889 | Registered: Aug 2011
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ships, as a fellow spouse of a CSAB survivor, I have somewhat been following your postings.. The behaviors you describe seemed to indicate she may have borderline personality disorder. At least look it up and see how many traits she has.It might give you directions to look in counseling.


strength

[This message edited by 5454real at 11:29 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 11:47 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm fairly familiar with BPD. I don't think that describes her normally, although her recent behavior would be consistent. She normally doesn't get angry when people disagree. In fact shes more likely to internationalize that disagreement and think it makes her "bad". and she normally does alternate between idolizing and try to bring people down. Her recent behavior has been very different though.

Let me explain the jumping out of a car incident a little better. My wife has multiple sclerosis in addition to her other psychiatric problems. MS can cause mood swings. Before she was diagnosed she went to see a phyc for her mood swings. the phyc saw her for 15 minutes and diagnosed her as bi-polar and put her on mood stabilizers. As she first took them her behavior got worse, every time the Dr would up the dose. It finally got really bad and she almost jumped out of the car. (I caught her and stopped the car before letting her out.) At that point I demanded that they taper down the meds and her behivor slowly went back to normal as she got off them And she hasn't been on those meds since.

She is on some meds for depression and incontinence bot related to her MS. She has changed pharmacies before all this happened and says her pills look different. (different brand?) but she's been on them for a while and the dose is really low.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 552 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:00 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

that is somewhat concerning. the appearance of the pills should not be significantly different I believe. I would check into that medication.

once upon a time, my step daughter was becoming involved in drugs. we found some pills that we could not identify. we were able to identify them through a Google search with a description of the color shape and size. I think you should be able to discover what her prescription should look like. it would not be the first time a pharmacy got a prescription wrong.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 1:07 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

We checked the prescription. There were multiple different pictures of pulls that matched what she was supposed to be taking. Both the new and old pills were included. She looked though, I didn't, maybe I'll look tonight.

It's fairly out dated as an anti-depressant, but she's mostly taking it for the incontinence. So her dosage is pretty low. The Dr chose this particular medicine because she does have problems with depression at times (since the MS) and he felt they could do double duty.

She's been on them for a couple years now without any real issues. We have an appointment with her neurologist this month. I'll make sure we bring these pills just to check them out. She did pick them up from the pharmacy 3 days before her ex sent her a friend request of FB. (not that that excuses anything) but it is possible that there is something off there and it can explain her increasingly erratic behavior.

I'm only concerned that it will get to a point that she does something dangerous like last time. And honestly today is the first time that I really am starting to wonder if I am strong enough to make this marriage work.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 552 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 1:28 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

our stories are getting scary close. about a week before poser contacted her on Facebook, she began a new prescription to help with anger issues and depression. I will go back and check with that prescription was and what the side effects are.

again, no excuses. just possibly a light shining on contributing factors.

after that, there is still the CSAB to deal with. what a wild ride.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 1:35 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Real,

You really do seem to be the person who most gets what I'm going through. I feel like sometimes when I try to put my wife's actions in context others feel like I'm making excuses.

The truth is it isn't about excuses. There is nothing that can excuse the actions she's taken, but there are things that have contributed to those decisions, I really don't feel like I can heal until these underlining factors have been dealt with. I would never truly believe it wouldn't happen again as long as the other behaviors remain the same.

If we are going to be together I need her to heal so I can heal. The only alternative is to walk away. And I made it pretty clear in Just found Out that that's not a road I want to take unless there are no other options.

[This message edited by Wodnships at 1:36 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 552 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
5454real
♂ 37455
Member # 37455
Default  Posted: 2:50 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Ships, I agree with pretty much everything you said with a couple of caveats.

I'll get back with the full response later this evening. right now I am on the road and posting and driving is not recommended.


BH 51, WW 42
DS 23(Mine),SD 21,SS 20(Hers),DS 9 Ours, DGS 3, DGD 1 mo
D=Day #1 5/04EA (Rugswept)
D-Day #2 3/10/12, TT til 3/13/12
Married 10yrs
I have no love for a friend who loves in words alone.
― Sophocles, Antigone

Posts: 3173 | Registered: Nov 2012 | From: midwest
sylph
♀ 35285
Member # 35285
Default  Posted: 3:06 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have never posted before but as a loved one and long-term caregiver to two people with MS, I wanted to write you a quick note to affirm that your wife's diagnosis is important here.

I'm not sure how much reading you have done about the psychological symptoms of MS (I know that a lot of the literature tends to kind of skim over it a wee bit) but intensified anxiety/phobias and erratic behaviour are fairly common symptoms. I could have written the exact same story as you did about a loved one with MS leaping out of a moving vehicle... except that mine succeeded and then screamed at me in the middle of the road for twenty minutes (while throwing rocks/grass/trash at the car) for allowing her to do it. It was awesome...

I also want to give you all of the props in the world for trying to R with a person with MS - I can only imagine how incredibly difficult that is. I know that the frontal lobe damage caused by the disease can make patients feel as though life is happening 'at' them rather than around them, as though they have no control over their lives and/or bahviours and that it can be exhausting to be their support network. If it is your style I would strongly recommend looking into a support network for caregivers/loved ones of people living with diseases like MS/ALS, I know that it has been a life-saver for me. Also, I would strongly recommend bringing up your wife's recent behaviour with her neurologist - the condition is a progressive one and medication needs are constantly changing. I will keep you and your wife in my thoughts.

[This message edited by sylph at 3:08 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2012
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sylph,

I'm very familiar with the physiological symptoms of MS. For my wife she struggled with a lot of this before. The depression and mode swings started with the MS. She's been in remission for the last two years and isn't showing any other warning signs of a relapse. But you did remind me of a very important point, as the disease not only progresses but symptoms can entirely change, we can't rule it out as a contributing factor.

She was diagnosed a little over a month before our first anniversary. In the 8 months leading up to that she had be diagnosed with Carpal Tunnel, Migraines, Bi Polar disorder, When her legs started shaking every time she stood up her primary care doctor told her she had week knees and sent her to PT and told her to "get over it or you'll be cripple before you are 30." It took months to get her to see a new doctor. By that time she could barely walk and couldn't even more her right leg enough to drive.

Sorry to put that story I here I only tell it because that is part of what hurts so much about her affair. During all of this I was by her side. I drove her. I took care of her. I've been to every neurologist appointment and I give her her shots three times a week. And I took care of her with her meds caused her liver to fail twice. It would have been easy to walk away during any of this, but I didn't. I did everything I could to help her get through the day.

When some ex pops in on Facebook, none of that meant a thing to her.

[This message edited by Wodnships at 3:17 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 552 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
sylph
♀ 35285
Member # 35285
Default  Posted: 3:41 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wodnships,

I figured you would likely be familiar with the psychological symptoms, I just thought I should say something because in my experience a person being misdiagnosed with a multitude of other illnesses/conditions seems to be one of the most universal 'symptoms' of MS.

Loving and supporting a person with MS can be exhausting as it is sometimes so difficult to work out what is shitty behaviour and what is 'the illness talking.' I know that in my experience one of the people I care for also started an A with an old boyfriend (EA for sure, maybe a PA) while in a particularly difficult period of progression. I remember when I confronted her about it she sat on the floor and sobbed that she just wanted to be loved as an equal, not as person who was sick. It was heartbreaking, but I was also completely enraged on the behalf of her BH who had spend 18+ years destroying his health and neglecting his own social/emotional needs to support her. It was like the special sauce of the shit sandwich that he was being served. I am genuinely so very sorry that you are going through this.

(I also know that sharing private details about a loved one's struggle with something like MS can feel like such a violation of their trust but if I can be of any support at all please PM me.)


Posts: 2 | Registered: Apr 2012
Wodnships
42750
Member # 42750
Default  Posted: 3:55 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I haven't been here long enough to have PM privileges, but when I do I will take you up on that.

I feel safe sharing things here I wouldn't else where. The anonymity of the internet helps. But there are times that it's hard for me. In so many ways I feel like it's her story to tell or not tell, but at the same time I go through it with her. I'm effected by it, if not equally close to as much as she is. And you are right it can be exhausting. When I reach my breaking point I try to get out on the river and get some fishing in. I really think I'm about due for a trip. The stripers should be running any time now.

My wife also had an EA. I'm sure it was a PA because the guy lives in Washington. But she was very close to leaving me and moving there after 11 days of facebook and texting.

To be fair though MS is only one piece of this. My wife has some very serious issues steaming from her childhood. Things she's buried and tried to ignore. She's always had issues with severe insecurity, problems saying no sexually, anxiety, hard time deal with stress and general lack of skills to deal with life, emotions and adult relationships. It predates her MS, but MS certainly doesn't help it.


me: BH 35
Her: WW 28

Married 4 years. Dating 8. Living together 7.

If a man took his time on earth
to prove be for he died
what on man's life could be worth
I wonder what would happen to the world

- Harry Chapin


Posts: 552 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: California
cantgetup
♀ 36146
Member # 36146
Default  Posted: 9:55 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My depression shows itself as anger, which is new for me. Although I'm a BS, I don't think it makes a difference. Especially if she is not dealing with he affects if her A very well. Guilt, shame etc.
prayers to both of you.

Posts: 319 | Registered: Jul 2012
Topic Posts: 23
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