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Extraordinary costs associated with divorcing npd

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Beyond posted 3/19/2014 10:24 AM

I must preface this by acknowledging that ANY divorce can be costly for a variety of reasons. But I'm wondering if those divorcing (or divorced from) a personality disordered WS have found their legal costs to be astronomical.

My BFF is dealing with this. Her NPD WXH has cost her more POST-divorce because of all his bullshit than the actual divorce cost her! We are talking tens of thousands of dollars over the past six or so months post-divorce. More than one therapist has told her that NPDs do not go away. Once the issue du jour is over, another one is on the horizon.

Anyone drowning in legal fees because of similar circumstances?

TIA,

Beyond

Nature_Girl posted 3/19/2014 10:37 AM

I amassed a bill of about $50,000 just to divorce him (will be paying that off for the rest of my life), and yes, post-divorce, the battle & legal weaseling still seems to continue. I am utterly out of money, and he's made good on his threat to not work if the divorce & support decisions didn't go his way, leaving me facing homelessness with the children.

ButterflyGirl posted 3/19/2014 10:39 AM

I was at $14,000. Until today. I just replenished my retainer with another $3500 since we are going to trial next week.

Divorcing a personality disorder is HELL!!

GreatRoleModel posted 3/19/2014 11:51 AM

Yes I foolhardily thought once the final decree was done and signed that I would be done with the fees, but oh so not true. I thought I had an ironclad decree but I would if I were dealing with a rational person. I think I have monthly bills now between $500-1000 because I am still having to go get clarification from attorneys and I refuse to be walked on by his bullying. There are some things I let go but when the issue is significant (ie: child custody and financial matters that he is responsible for) I have to contact attorney. I know attorneys are a necessary evil in this process and so glad I have one but I am in the medical field and there is no way I could charge for reading/responding to an email or talking on the phone for 5 minutes. It is what it is and just part of my journey. In total so far I have spent close to $45000 and we used mediation not litigation. Good luck to your friend.

MinorBee posted 3/19/2014 12:10 PM

My divorce coat a bit more than $30,000 total.

Like Nature_Girl I will be paying on the debt for the better part of the rest of my life.

My exH has pretty much left me alone since the final decree...I think the OW (whom he lives with) is keeping him distracted with her monetary demands for nights out and expensive toys. (scuba diving equipment and a boat)

Merlin posted 3/19/2014 12:56 PM

Our divorce was > $60,000 each. And since then, we are always on the way to court over something-everything.

It really does not end.

Beyond posted 3/19/2014 14:27 PM

Wow I feel relieved and sick at the same time....Relieved that others are going through and UNDERSTAND what hell this is, and sick that you all have to endure it

GreatRoleModel - what you said about a "rational" person struck a chord with me. BFF, too, thought her divorce decree was pretty tight - but no decree could possibly account for what she's dealing with!

Per the decree, NPD WXH has very little responsibility with regard to the children, which is what he wanted: He has more time for MOW now. Yet he fights BFF on Every. Single. Thing. Like you, GRM, she picks her battles - but she is harassed by him daily. So, even if she chooses to ignore today's (or tomorrow's, etc.) threat, demand and/or general nastiness, she's still subjected to it.

Thank you all for the replies. You have my admiration for hanging tough and trying to keep a step ahead of these NPD nut-jobs.

-Beyond

Kajem posted 3/19/2014 17:01 PM

My divorce was cheap! Defending against him wanting a reduction in CS? $10,000-$20,000. And trial costs.

Not to mention the mediation appt when the kids aged out of CS? Those were probably $1,000.

It sucks.

K

Sleepy312 posted 3/19/2014 17:45 PM

I can't say from personal experience, BUT my undiagnosed drunk, NPD brother claims to have spent 150k on his divorce so far. The divorce was finalized last summer.

Part of the problem is my brother. He's totally NPD, he's never been wrong about anything in his life, he never did anything for his ex but give her the world(despite screwing three other people over the years and he sees that as just fine), and when you don't take his side he goes after you with all of his energy in a completely sick way, so in the end it's costing a fortune with three attorneys for him alone, and the kids are the ones suffering because no one will advocate for them because the target will be firmly on their backs from both my brother and SIL.

It's a sick cycle that seems to have no end until one or both die(and people have said that to me) because both are mentally ill. SIL tried to kill herself in front of 16yo dd and blame it on the dd.

I admire you for sticking to your guns and fighting him because they are unrelenting and never own their mistakes. GL!

Beyond posted 3/20/2014 12:02 PM

Sleepy, I'd say your NPD bro was exaggerating...but BFF and I just figured out this morning that she spent $35k on the divorce and another $40k post-divorce...and it's nowhere near over She is on the phone virtually every day with her attorney preparing for NPD WXH's upcoming deposition and the trial to follow (again, this is all post-divorce shit). Cash register keeps ringing...I can totally see how this could get to $150k!!!

I am so sorry for your brother's and SIL's poor children Many prayers for them.

Thank you all for the input!

Nature_Girl posted 3/20/2014 12:51 PM

A six-figure divorce is not unheard of when one of the parties has a PD. I actually know someone IRL who's D is at or very close to the six-figure mark already. The PD at play is NPD.

TheAgonyOfIt posted 3/21/2014 02:43 AM

Has anyone fought a battle with an attorney, while the WS didn't have an attorney?
How did that makes things more or less difficult / costly ?

Thanks.

stronger08 posted 3/21/2014 03:56 AM

The only way to deal with a person with a personality disorder is to attack their weak spots. And especially those with NPD that soft spot is image. The NPD loves to maintain the aura of the righteous one, even if that's a total lie. Image is the most important thing to them. Attack the image and they usually back off. That said one must go on a campaign of image destruction. Its often the easiest thing to do, because all it takes is to tell the truth. Start exposing them for what they are. If he is a deadbeat let it be known in his social/career circles that he is a deadbeat. If he is a serial cheat, throw that out there. Don't be afraid to embarrass them. D is war and wars are not won being defensive. Wars are won by overwhelming the enemy with a swift and calculated offense. And once you go on the offensive, don't stop until you achieve victory. Take no prisoners and show no quarter. You don't even have to be overt about it. Simply whispering into the right ear can spread the truth like a wild fire during a drought. People inherently love to gossip. So just making sure the right person is told is all it takes.

Also costs can be contained simply by educating yourself about how the system works. Especially after you have a decree. If the XWS refuses to follow the courts directive there are many resources available that do not cost anything to employ. CS/SS can be enforced through your states collection systems. Free legal advice can be had simply by going down to your local courthouse and asking for it. Don't be ashamed to cry poverty either. Explain your situation to them and tell them that you can no longer afford to employ an attorney. There are many, many free programs and resources available. Keep in mind that there is legal precedence when your attacked with unjust court actions as to it being a form of harassment. The Court system is there to make sure law is not only handed out, but enforced as well. You can simply represent yourself in many of these situations with guidance from your local court system. A little knowledge goes a long way here. Shit you can even request reimbursement for your legal fees if you can show its mainly frivolous/harassing action being taken.

Bottom line here is not to be reactionary. Don't sit there waiting for him/her to fire off yet another salvo. You already know who/what your dealing with. Go on the offensive with anything and everything at your disposal. Stick it to them where it hurts, in their pockets and in their image. Trust me on this one, fuck with those traits and watch how quickly they all of a sudden want to become civil and cooperative. At this point you have nothing to lose.

Abbondad posted 3/21/2014 04:41 AM

Almost a week to go before trial, and my divorce from my NBPD has cost me around 30k. I have 20k left to my name. If we go to trial, I will be broke. It horrifies me when I choose to think about it, but when I decided to begin the process of removing myself from this hell, I resigned myself to the fact that I would have to rebuild my life in every way, including financially.

I have no regrets.

Caretaker1 posted 3/21/2014 05:25 AM

NPD or BPD or any one of the Cluster B Behaviors are so hard to live with, and divorcing with kids is emotional and astronomical. It's not just women married to cluster B men, it works both ways. There are many good men on this site who were manipulated, devalued, gaslighted, smeared, verbally emotionally and yes hit, little things became larger than life because drama and chaos and agitation over seemingly innocent things in every marriage became larger than life. In their eyes they attack misperceived slights, they rewrite history and are divisive in nature.

Add in getting engaged to another while divorcing us and taking every opportunity to break NC and cause misery, spitefulness, and meaness. Worst experience trying to make the marriage work, no less still divorcing. I keep hearing how it gets better. For them, yes. They are able to do 180s and find new lovers who feed their need for adoration and validation. Am I better off? Yes. But it also hurts for having lost family and seeing children half the time. The money will be paid back over years. Like any debt it will be repaid. It's ashame. All that money could have gone to children or been invested and worth so much more. It is what it is.

[This message edited by Caretaker1 at 5:31 AM, March 21st (Friday)]

million pieces posted 3/21/2014 06:06 AM

My ex has no diagnosis, but def has some traits (but not the image one) of NPD. He isn't stupid, but acts stupid. Honestly, reminds me of Tesla's husband. My ex too married his bar slut, and in the process cut off ALL of our/his friends because they didn't want to be around her. Truly a bar slut.

Anyway, spent >20K each on the D, and just spent $5K extra to force him to pay child care (left out of the divorce papers because I wasn't working full time at the time). He was so adamant that he wasn't going to pay when MD law clearly said he had to pay a portion that he set himself up to have his income reviewed. CS DOUBLED!!!!! So he spent $5K (I'm assuming he spent the same as I did) against something he had no chance to defend and in the process double his CS payments.

I'd love to have someone diagnosis him with something other than assholitis.

million pieces posted 3/21/2014 06:06 AM

My ex has no diagnosis, but def has some traits (but not the image one) of NPD. He isn't stupid, but acts stupid. Honestly, reminds me of Tesla's husband. My ex too married his bar slut, and in the process cut off ALL of our/his friends because they didn't want to be around her. Truly a bar slut.

Anyway, spent >20K each on the D, and just spent $5K extra to force him to pay child care (left out of the divorce papers because I wasn't working full time at the time). He was so adamant that he wasn't going to pay when MD law clearly said he had to pay a portion that he set himself up to have his income reviewed. CS DOUBLED!!!!! So he spent $5K (I'm assuming he spent the same as I did) against something he had no chance to defend and in the process double his CS payments.

I'd love to have someone diagnosis him with something other than assholitis.

million pieces posted 3/21/2014 06:06 AM

My ex has no diagnosis, but def has some traits (but not the image one) of NPD. He isn't stupid, but acts stupid. Honestly, reminds me of Tesla's husband. My ex too married his bar slut, and in the process cut off ALL of our/his friends because they didn't want to be around her. Truly a bar slut.

Anyway, spent >20K each on the D, and just spent $5K extra to force him to pay child care (left out of the divorce papers because I wasn't working full time at the time). He was so adamant that he wasn't going to pay when MD law clearly said he had to pay a portion that he set himself up to have his income reviewed. CS DOUBLED!!!!! So he spent $5K (I'm assuming he spent the same as I did) against something he had no chance to defend and in the process double his CS payments.

I'd love to have someone diagnosis him with something other than assholitis.

neverdidithink posted 3/21/2014 09:00 AM

Has anyone fought a battle with an attorney, while the WS didn't have an attorney?
How did that makes things more or less difficult / costly ?

Me! XH's attorney quit - announcing to the judge in an open court that he and his staff are tired of XH's abuse.

It became a nightmare. I wanted out, so I ended up paying my L to do all the paperwork. XH fought every line of every document. He was RIGHT and eventually everyone would realize it if he only kept reminding them.

We needed a GAL to decide custody because we couldn't agree. The D went to trial becuase we couldn't agree. XH contested the divorce because he didn't agree. We spent years in and out of court becuase he was wronged.

Becuase he didn't need a L (or want one becuase he was smarter than everyone else) he could file whatever he wanted whenever he wanted and I had to respond. I spent about $25K on the D and probably that much afterward.

IMHO the only thing worse than a STBX with a lawyer is a STBX without a lawyer.

woundedby2 posted 3/21/2014 12:31 PM

I can only nod my head along with the rest of you. My D cost me about $17K, and I conceded a few things to avoid going to trial. Post D court proceedings have further cost me around $6K.

I have 2.5 more years until my youngest ages out of CS. I hope there won't be any further court matters, but you just never know with an NPD...

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