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blakesteele posted 3/19/2014 11:35 AM

A good friend of mine passed away a couple of weeks ago. He was mature in age and wise in nature.

He wrote a letter to his "family".....of which I was blessed to be a part because early in this letter he defined "family" as all of his friends, of which I was one.

" have to believe . And believe it will work

Was the part I want to post about here.

I have spent a couple weeks on "owning" this wisdom for my own . Here is the summary of that process;

Believing is hard, but pretending doesn't work.

I didn't believe I was hurt by my childhood. I pretended I was okay, healthy even. I found ways to justify and prove that I was NOT pretending......but I was. And it hurt my marriage. My wife pretended in her life as well. FOO coping skills are often called "masking" skills.....a form of pretending.

I have stripped away that charade and have experienced growth because of it.

Believing is hard.....:but it is far more palatable to me NOW than to pretend.

And I have real hope within me.

While not healed, I am comforted for starting to grasp some of the truths my mature friend possessed and was kind enough to share with me and others.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:41 AM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

Morhurt posted 3/19/2014 12:28 PM

Believing is hard, but pretending doesn't work.
Absolutely! I was definitely pretending before and that is over. It is so freeing. I hate that my heart and trust had to be shattered but to feel free to express instead of pretend and to question (and therefore believe) is something I would not give up. Seeing my H do it also, that is so wonderful.

He was a master suppressor and now he tells me. He's not pretending anymore because now he believes in himself and in me and in our marriage.

Thanks Blake and Blake's friend.

blakesteele posted 3/19/2014 16:05 PM

I hate that my heart and trust had to be shattered but to feel free to express instead of pretend and to question

In the book Codependent No talks about the process of "shattering". It absolutely has to take place to break a very destructive cycle that is all but impossible to break otherwise.

I appreciate the fact that you choose the word "shattered" Morhurt. You get what has happened and have recognized the value it has in and for your life from this point forward.

I KNOW this from your posts. You are making this pain work for you, nurture your growth. God is smiling.

Keep the faith.

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