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How does your WS react when you bring up affairs?

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Jls0320 posted 3/19/2014 11:39 AM

I'm curious, because my husband seems to shut down whenever I discuss feelings. I had a COSA meeting last night and it brought out a lot of feelings for me and I wanted to discuss them last night, he pretty much just sat there and listened but never said a word, even when I brought up the fact I feel like I can't talk to him about my pain. I wished he would have said again how sorry he is for forever changing who I am and for what he did, maybe a hug or hold my hand while I talked and cried. He instead shuts down and I know intimacy is a huge problems for sex addicts but I need more from him if this is going to work. I've been regretting my decision to not file the divorce lately and wishing I hadn't gotten the remainder of my retainer back, that I'd left it there for possible future use :(. I feel very alone in this and have for years, I don't know what to do

Lostinthismess posted 3/19/2014 12:18 PM

He apologizes, cries, answers my questions if I have them.

I'm sorry you're not getting what you need. Have you spelled it out, plainly, exactly what you want from him?

Morhurt posted 3/19/2014 12:20 PM

I'm so sorry for your pain Jls0320. I don't know anything about SA but that sounds really hard. My H struggled to show true empathy at first but he has it now (we're about 9 months out) and it is so much better. He brings it up, is open to talking about it any time and shows very real and sincere emotions. If I say "tell me" he stops what he's doing and tells me how much he loves me, how sorry he is, how much he hates what he did, how awful it is that he hurt me so badly, how safe I am now etc. It really helps me.

I am also open to hearing about his feelings, sometimes it's hard for me but I can see how much it helps him and that is very important to me. It also helps to make it more like a "team".

Your most recent DDay is still pretty fresh, maybe he'll get there? Is he in IC?

And what's COSA?


Wodnships posted 3/19/2014 12:22 PM

Mine cries and starts talking about what a bad person she is. She apologizes, but beats her self up. Tells me she doesn't deserve me. and talks about how messed up she is.

sadone29 posted 3/19/2014 12:26 PM

Before he would just call himself a piece of shit and go into shame mode. Now he drops everything, gives me all his attention and answers anything.

Is your H in 12 steps? It took my H a while after gaining sobriety to also gain some new coping skills. He's still new on his journey, so we are learning as we go.

Jls0320 posted 3/19/2014 12:33 PM

Thank you for the responses, he is in IC and has attended a few SAA meetings but is not working the program as extensively as I or his IC would like. He's never been a touchy feely kind of guy and it got much worse as his addictions took over, but he has to make an effort.
COSA is a program for spouses of sex addicts

[This message edited by Jls0320 at 12:34 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

sadone29 posted 3/19/2014 13:01 PM

H went to every meeting, but it still took a while for him to really start the work. Fear is a big wall they have to overcome. But he also has to realize that it's something that you also need to feel safe for R to take place.

I hope it's okay that I answer your question in general here, since I'm already writing here. :) I went to S-ANON for a while. I found it helpful to help me really come to terms with the fact that I can't control his addiction. I stopped going more because of my own anxiety issues. It could be that you need to deal with the trauma first, which IC is good for. Some spouses of SAs just don't find 12 steps helped them as much. I think it's difficult to know when we're making excuses to resist healing and when something is genuinely not helping you. I hope you find a recovery path that's right for you!

[This message edited by sadone29 at 1:03 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

Sparkle0504 posted 3/19/2014 13:18 PM

I'm in the same place with my SAWH. IC appointment for me today and my homework is to list what is in this relationship for me.

Currently can't think of anything. Which speaks volumes.


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