Cheating Hurt by Infidelity
Betrayal Wayward Donations lying
Welcome

Forums

Guidelines

Find a Local Counselor

The Healing Library

Media

Contact Us
lies
cover
In Association with Amazon.com
Support
Infidelity -
-

SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

like us on facebook
You are not logged in. Login here or register.
[Register]
Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: missing 'the want'
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 11:39 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm struggling hard right now. I don't know if I'm expecting too much of where I 'should' be and need to let it go a bit or if I've hit the 'what it all comes down to'.

The hold up on any progress is me. I'm lacking what I feel is 'the want'. The desire to be married to him. The 'I want my marriage and will do what it takes'. I don't have it. The very thought of that makes me want to curl my lip in disgust and pack up, throw in the towel.

I am married and have no problem acting as such. We get along fine, great by comparison with what we are going through. We are considerate of each other, act lovingly… but the underlying of even wanting any of it isn't there. His acts of kindness and love are just, meh, to me.

Nothing feels like its enough. Our marriage was pretty damn good before. He wasn't out looking for a girlfriend. How this all happened is pretty unfreaking believable. And the changes he made are great, but it doesn't seem worth it. He isn't 'the man I always wished he was' because I was happy with who he was before. I do benefit from his changes, but I kinda feel like I'm in an empty room with a balloon saying yay me, this is great. It isn't. I feel like my marriage is empty and hollow. But really it's my half of the marriage that is like that. He is madly in love with me, deeply remorseful, and I could take it or leave it all.

I'm happy with everything else in life. I enjoy working, hanging out with friends, taking care of the kids. I'm back to doing the things I did before DDay, I'm just not happy being married. I'd love a break, a time out. But we can't just separate 'for awhile'. I'm tired. Tired of thinking about it all, tired of trying to accept what he's done, tired of him touching me and thinking of him touching her the same way, just tired of being married right now.

Does this pass? Am I stressing over something that just takes dreaded TIME?


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2013
Crushed15Feb13
♂ 38846
Member # 38846
Default  Posted: 11:50 AM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Lost

So sorry you are struggling right now. (I am too)

I was thinking your description of where you are at reminds me of what they call the "Plain of Lethal Flatness" or the "Lethal Plain of Flatness" or something like that.

I'm not sure I can find link to it - but maybe somebody can help.

Anyway I think its a normal part of the 2-5 year recovery period, but it is called "lethal" fpr a reason. People can get stuck there I guess.

Wish I could be more help to you


Me: BH, 54
Her: WW, 54 4 yr LTA
Married 32 yrs, 2 college age boys
DDay #1: 15Feb13 - LTA 2008-2013
DDay #2: 27Jan14 - ONS, same AP 2007 - turns out it was a 6 yr LTA
Trying to understand

Posts: 267 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Colorado
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 12:05 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Maybe… The part that amplifies it I think is that I've always felt like this. I have never had the feeling of wanting to save my marriage. I feel like I've just been along for the ride. The pain of dday was never a desire to save the marriage. Does that make any sense??

Logically, it doesn't make sense to throw it all away. And that's what has me here. But there is no underlying want to be here.

I want to want to be here. That would make this all exponentially easier! How do I get there??? I read on here all the time, BS's state that they love their spouse and aren't willing to to walk without saying they gave it their all. Why don't I have that?? Is it possible to get that if you don't start with it?


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2013
1Faith
♀ 38975
Member # 38975
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Dear Lost

You can't manufacture a feeling. Either you have it or you don't.

Love is a choice as crazy as it sounds. We choose to love. We choose to engage.

If you don't have those feelings I would suggest IC to figure out why.

I am sure much of it can be contributed to the A. It is hard to have feelings for someone who disregarded yours.

The fact that he is doing all the right things now may be a "too little too late" situation for you. And that is okay. You are also probably still gun shy (understandably so) to fully love or trust him. He's hurt you and that doesn't just go away. That is where the darned TIME thing does come in. It does takes time.

What in your opinion would make your marriage less empty or hallow? What would need to change?

I know exactly what you mean about being tired of dealing with it, trying to analyze it, figure it all out etc. So do take a time out. Tell yourself you aren't going to worry about the marriage for a week or two. It will be what it is and you aren't going to go there. The mental break you give yourself might prove to be the exact thing you need to see things more clearly of what and how you want your marriage to be going forward or if you even want it to go forward.

I believe most marriages go through peaks and valleys even if there isn't an A involved. Sometimes we love our spouse and others we want to punch them in the face. NORMAL. We can't be loveable or love everyone all the time. We are human.

Logically, it doesn't make sense to throw it all away. And that's what has me here. But there is no underlying want to be here.

Logic rarely has anything to do with feelings. Allow yourself to feel what you feel without conditions or explanation.

It's been 3+ years for me and there are still days I struggle with the whole ugly mess. Less time than in the beginning but it is still there like an annoying fly that just won't die.

Take a breath and know that you don't have to figure it all out right now. One day at a time and you'll find your way through.

Good luck. Hugs


"I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it." - Maya Angelou

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Apr 2013
Lostinthismess
♀ 39210
Member # 39210
Default  Posted: 12:34 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you Faith. A lot of what I needed to hear I think.

I believe most marriages go through peaks and valleys even if there isn't an A involved. Sometimes we love our spouse and others we want to punch them in the face. NORMAL. We can't be loveable or love everyone all the time. We are human.

We've been married 13 years next month. We've had highs and lows. We had a period of 'I love you but I don't like you right now'. I was always madly in love with him and willing to do or give my everything to work through it all. I always wanted to work through anything. That's whats missing.

What in your opinion would make your marriage less empty or hollow? What would need to change?

Feeling in love with him. Security. Faith in planning a future. Contentment. Peace.


'You just keep living, until you are alive again'
'I don't want perfect, I want honest'

Posts: 333 | Registered: May 2013
Topic Posts: 5

Return to Forum This Topic is Archived
adultry
madness  
© 2002 - 2014 SurvivingInfidelity.com. All Rights Reserved.