I'm struggling hard right now. I don't know if I'm expecting too much of where I 'should' be and need to let it go a bit or if I've hit the 'what it all comes down to'.
The hold up on any progress is me. I'm lacking what I feel is 'the want'. The desire to be married to him. The 'I want my marriage and will do what it takes'. I don't have it. The very thought of that makes me want to curl my lip in disgust and pack up, throw in the towel.
I am married and have no problem acting as such. We get along fine, great by comparison with what we are going through. We are considerate of each other, act lovingly… but the underlying of even wanting any of it isn't there. His acts of kindness and love are just, meh, to me.
Nothing feels like its enough. Our marriage was pretty damn good before. He wasn't out looking for a girlfriend. How this all happened is pretty unfreaking believable. And the changes he made are great, but it doesn't seem worth it. He isn't 'the man I always wished he was' because I was happy with who he was before. I do benefit from his changes, but I kinda feel like I'm in an empty room with a balloon saying yay me, this is great. It isn't. I feel like my marriage is empty and hollow. But really it's my half of the marriage that is like that. He is madly in love with me, deeply remorseful, and I could take it or leave it all.
I'm happy with everything else in life. I enjoy working, hanging out with friends, taking care of the kids. I'm back to doing the things I did before DDay, I'm just not happy being married. I'd love a break, a time out. But we can't just separate 'for awhile'. I'm tired. Tired of thinking about it all, tired of trying to accept what he's done, tired of him touching me and thinking of him touching her the same way, just tired of being married right now.
Does this pass? Am I stressing over something that just takes dreaded TIME?