Weíve had a couple of weeks where weíve been in turmoil. Iíve been triggering, FWH has been defensive because he was convinced that it was over something that we had agreed was OK by me, I was trying to tell him that that wasnít the problem, but we were both locked into having the same damned discussion yet again. And again. And again.
Came to a head on Monday night late, when after some hurtful words, I simply curled up on my side of the bed and ignored him. Iíd had it. And of course, the next morning, we woke up, I tried to explain why I was upset, he reiterated with the beginnings of the same damned discussion, and I semi-exploded and just said Thatís IT! We arenít having this discussion again because you refuse to listen to what I am actually SAYING!
Not too productive, eh?
So we decided that we would come together that evening and try to talk out the issue, prayed, and both went to work. During the day, I sat down and did some thinking and some writing on the computer. I think best, when I just type on WORD (which Iím doing now, actually). And I got to the bottom of why I was triggering. And some actions that we both could take that would help make it better. And a new way to explain why I was reacting the way I was and why it was only peripherally related to our OK agreement. Let it sit for a while and then went back to the ďjournalĒ and refined it with some more level-headed reflections, and headed home. Where luckily, FWH arrived as I did, having left early to come home!
We sat and decompressed a bit, then prayed together for guidance, and holding hands, I was able to explain what had been happening, what need of mine was not being met, and why it was not being met. He clarified a few things, I gave some examples, and (hereís where Iím so proud of Mr. Skan) he started to get defensive a couple of times, and then relaxed and said that this was my time to talk and that if he needed to talk when I was completely through, he would wait until then, which I agreed to, as I wanted to make sure that he was fully heard as well. We both talked and settled the understanding part of the disagreement, then I told him that I had a couple of ideas to propose to help in the future, but I wanted him to fully buy into them, or propose his own solutions, or any combo of the two. He liked what I proposed, came back with a couple of refinements, and we came up with an action plan. Part of which he implemented immediately as we watched a movie we had saved, curled up in each otherís arms.
Dang! This actively listening to each other, striving to understand the otherís feelings and intent, and repeating it back really works when two people enter into it with love and a determination to share and be fair with each other! Thank God for tools that, when we choose to use them appropriately, help further our need to be understood and to understand the oneís that we love!