Dear Lots
I know you asked for a BH's response but after reading your post I felt compelled to answer.
I am a BW. I imagine what you wrote is something my H would write to a tee almost.
We too are 3+ years out from DDay and have worked extremely hard to fight for our marriage and make it better than ever. We have come a long way and I am proud of us and my H's ability to open up, be engaged and communicate with me.
It is still hard at times. Not because I don't love my husband. Not because I don't want to be with him. But there are reminders everywhere of affairs. Couples you know, TV shows or movies, magazines glamourizing affairs...it is literally everywhere.
We are currently dealing with issues with our oldest daughter and it has caused me to slip backwards a bit on triggering. I don't know if it is my high level of anxiety that I associate with the A or if it is just that I never dreamed we'd be dealing with this with our daughter JUST LIKE I never dreamed my H would have an affair. Emotions are funny like that, they aren't always logical. Feelings aren't right or wrong, they just are.
When you see a couple you know go through infidelity and/or divorce it is natural to think "wow - that could be us" and that is scary. For me it brings up a boat load of insecurities about am "I good enough" and maybe I am unintentionally causing my husband to think/feel like he did during the affair. I'll be honest, it is a huge trigger and I panic.
The feelings do pass and the triggers are spread out farther and farther apart but they still happen. Remember it takes on average 2-5 years to "heal" from an affair.
I give your husband credit for being honest with you and for calling this counselor. Both positive responses to the situation. He needed to vent, to articulate his concerns and he did. That is a lot better that stuffing them down and pretending he is fine when he isn't.
You are probably feeling odd because you want this to be over. You want to be beyond the A and the aftermath and it sounds like you are for the most part. That is something to celebrate.
When this happens to me, I apologize for connecting dots that aren't there, ask for my H forgiveness and tell him I love him. He in return acknowledges my feelings (validates me) and even though it is hard understands the pain of the A is still real for me.
This actually happened just last night so this is so real and fresh for me. My H stated that he understands why I feel the way I do and apologized again for hurting me. It helped me settle me down and refocus on the positive and be grateful for how far we have come.
It's a journey, a process. It takes time. You have to realize the affair will always be there. Hopefully with time it will be a blip on the screen.
Good luck. Keep talking.
(((many hugs to you both)))