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byefornow posted 3/19/2014 14:51 PM

Last night my WH said something that I haven't been able to get off my mind today. I just wonder what others think and please be gentle with your 2X4s. I have had a rough couple of days with alot of crying.

We were talking about the affair last night and my WH said he was 99.9% sure he would never have another affair. I looked at him crazy and said 'why not 100%' and he replied, that he had said he was 100% certain before this affair happened and now he is questioning if he can trust himself.

I guess this is alright thing to say at 5+ months out? to me it sounded like an excuse to have another affair, so it set off spark plugs in my head misfiring. He has been remorseful, he has been talking to me and helping me, so I don't think he was being hurtful, just honest. And it scared me.

Has anyone had their spouse say anything similar?

neverdidithink posted 3/19/2014 14:57 PM

I think this sounds like a good thing.

He feels like he did something he didn't think he was capable of and therefore knows there are no absolutes. For him to not tell you he's 100% positive shows he's rattled by his behavior and not grandstanding.

To me, this sounds like he's owning his shit.

1Faith posted 3/19/2014 15:02 PM

Dear Bye

Well, I guess you can look at him being honest, however, I would have liked him to be more careful with his words.

What I have bigger concerns with is that he is leaving room in his mind and in yours that yeah, this could happen again. NOT OKAY. Your radar of being scared is right on the target.

Regret and remorse are two different things. He can regret the affair, the hurt it caused and the way he behaved. But IMO, if he is truly REMORSEFUL he would do ANYTHING to never allow himself to go down that path again. He wouldn't leave the 1% margin of error.

At 5 months this is still new and raw. It still hurts like hell. But I am 3+ years out and I would still have a problem with this statement.

Please look into IC. Your husband needs to do a deep dive on why he allowed himself to cheat in the first place and figure out how he can trust himself and demonstrate to you through actions and words that he knows 100% that he will never do this again.

Hold on tight and ALWAYS follow your instincts.

Good luck. (((hugs)))

Morhurt posted 3/19/2014 15:05 PM

I totally (100% ) understand what you mean, I have had similar convos with my H. He says he needs to keep working on himself to ensure that he is a safe and worthy partner for me and I want that (him to do the work) but I also want (need?) him to tell me that NO MATTER WHAT he'll never cheat on me again. Obviously it's not realistic, in the sense that he has to do the work to be what I need, but yet my need is to know I'm 100% safe now and forever...

OK, rambling, but I hear you and I understand. And as NDIT said, I think it's actually a good sign. If he's saying it in a way that shows he's going to do the work to be 100% safe and not as an "out" then try to think positively about it.

byefornow posted 3/19/2014 16:37 PM

But IMO, if he is truly REMORSEFUL he would do ANYTHING to never allow himself to go down that path again.

this is what i needed to hear today. and i guess it is what i had been thinking but my mind is soooo muddled i could not say it like you did.

he has said he will do anything NOT to go down that path again. I will give him credit for that. I do think he is questioning himself alot about how he could let it happen in the first place. and I agree with neverdidithink

To me, this sounds like he's owning his shit.

But, what I think I need to do is reconcile the two statements together with him. And, ask more questions around his percentage. It seems stupid to focus on that, but I do want to hear assurances right now that he will NEVER hurt me that way again.

thank you for the gentleness. It has been a rough week.

Simple posted 3/19/2014 17:04 PM

@byefornow 6+ years here in R and hopefully can give you a different POV.

To me I agree with neverdidithink, my own FWH with multiple OW, for 11 years, said something very similar. He said he will do his damn best to be the best husband he can be and NOT be unfaithful ever again. He also said that he doesn't think he would do it again but just because he thinks so doesn't mean it's a guarantee it won't happen again. My husband is also bi-polar and have anxiety issues. To me, pure brutal honesty is better than fake comforting ones to make me feel better. To me PURE transparency is it. How we are doing now is if my FWH is feeling like he wants to have sex with another woman, he actually TELLS ME. And to him, once he tells me it looses momentum and once he voices it to me it suddenly sounds stupid.

Pure, brutal honesty of what he is thinking, his thought process and his looking at his behaviour makes the chance of another infidelity more remote than ever. But again, that why we have have to remain diligent about our Marriage and ourselves. All I'm saying is that the work for R never ends. Working for true love never ends.

Do you understand what I'm saying? I hope this perspective helps you.

AlwaysOnEdge posted 3/19/2014 17:09 PM

Dear Bye

I can kinda understand both sides, If my WW had said that to me last night i'd have been like "You what?? you cant give me a 100% What the hell is wrong with you? havent you done enough damage??" and i would have worried myself sick that she wasnt serious about our R.

However had she said that to me this morning I would have understood what she meant. She would have been the completely honest, open and truthful person I have been asking for. She has been so shook up by what she was capable of doing, so rattled to her core and so ashamed, frightened and sick over what she did that she now has so little belief in herself. A flippant "100%, yeah, no worries" would scare me so much more than the "99.9%, because I am so f'd up that i cant even believe in myself anymore".

Maybe your WH was trying to do the right thing but the wrong way? I keep saying to my WW, we will not always say the right thing at the right time, but as long as we are honest thats all we can ask of each other.

I dont think it is ever "stupid" to focus on something that has unsettled you. Whatever you need to clarify or talk about is right for you.


Simple posted 3/19/2014 17:14 PM

I do want to hear assurances right now that he will NEVER hurt me that way again

Never is a strong word. I'm not a fan of it.

I was reading a lot before I thought of R. One of the thoughts about R is that you shouldn't R or even think about R if you think that if he does it again it will destroy you completely.

Destroy here means worse than the destruction we felt when we found out about the A. This is a no U-turn, no exit sign "destroyed". Only you and can really tell what that would mean to you knowing what you're going through now with finding out about A.

Logically, he could hurt you again. My FWH COULD hurt me again. But I know it won't destroy me, I know I will leave him if it happens again because if I stayed one more time to R one more time, I will be destroyed. Hence I chose R and this is his one and only chance. It's a risk BS takes. If you think you will be DESTROYED if he does it again after you R, then you have some thinking to do. We are stronger than what we think but all of us have limits. That's why some BS don't even R at all even with an ideally perfect FWS showing up here in SI, and I don't blame them. R truly is a gift we BS give FWS.

stupidgurl posted 3/19/2014 17:16 PM

You do or you don't do, he needs to choose one.

What happens when we say we will "try" to do something?

We don't end up doing it half the time!

What happens when we say we WILL do something?

We do it.

What we do or don't do starts with our mindset, not having a solid plan for ourselves is setting ourselves up for failure.

ReunitePangea posted 3/19/2014 17:36 PM

For me, I would not be willing to accept anything less than 100%, even 99.9%.

I get it, we all make mistakes. That is why we are in R. BUT this is not just another mistake because we are human. This is unzipping your pants, spreading your legs, or what every else you want to call it and repeating a HUGE mistake that you were given your one and only second chance for. There are often multiple boundaries that need to be broken just to get to that place to make this mistake again.

Sure you may be figuring things out still. But if you can't figure out how to at least keep your pants on then that is not good enough for me.

I want 100% and nothing less.

4everfaithful83 posted 3/19/2014 17:58 PM

I posted something similar once, I had said that my WBF said he would "Never" cheat on me again.

Someone replied to me saying:

"The words NEVER shouldn't even be in his vocabulary"

And they are right. To say you would never do something that you have already shown you are capable of doing...its not right.

So him saying 99% sounds like a good, honest answer to me. However, I can see how it would upset you as well.

The truth is, words mean nothing. Its all in the actions. Anyone can say they WILL or WON'T do something. Only actions prove whether or not this is true.

My WBF said he'd "never"(which I take to mean 100%)cheat on me when we used to talk about how devastating something like that would be in a relationship. Lot of good that did...

broken313 posted 3/20/2014 02:24 AM

Byefornow, let me ask you you 100% trust your FWH will never have another affair? My guess is that even though he is doing everything right, your answer is no.
Personally I think your FWH made an unthought out comment not that he wants to have another A.
Percentages are just numbers, a lot of us get married knowing up to up to 50% are involved in infidelity at some stage dont we?
I will not return to Never and 100% in my marriage, I would feel I had switched off my radar.

peoplepleaser posted 3/20/2014 02:27 AM

I agree that absolutes are dangerous. I can see how it would hurt you that he said that, though.

WS swears she didn't actively engage in activities both the OW and OBS say she did in her first EA, but she also says she can't remember all of it. It's infuriating because her memories of the 2nd EA minimized her involvement until I uncovered evidence of more. Ultimately she set herself up to lie. She also declares she's not the same person or THAT person anymore. It sounds like a sidestep from accountability to me. Of course she's THAT person. She would have said the same before she did it. I don't want to invalidate her oeuvres a or her determination to create barriers to this happening again, but it is a part of who she is it she wouldn't have done it.

Maybe your WS could have worded it better or said it more gently. You know better his intent, meaning that it's possible he was presenting a future "out" or he was embracing raw honesty and the realization that he is not immune to infidelity.

I'm sorry it hurt to hear it said that way. I'm sure that was painful. Hugs to you.

william posted 3/20/2014 03:33 AM

my wife says she is "positive" and "100% sure" that she would never do this again.

when she says this i believe that this is what she believes.

i am not, however, sure that it is an accurate statement.

she didnt intend to have ONS 1 either. a few days before a friend of hers warned her about ONS 1 guy. she got indignant and angry, swore that nothing would ever happen, that she was in control, that she wouldnt ever cheat in her marriage ... and yet ... it happened.

she didnt plan on sexting a bunch of guys either - yet it happened.

so when she says shes positive that it wont happen again i believe she means that. however, i cant take her being sure or positive it wont happen again as a 100% predicater that it wont actually happen again.

i read your post and felt your husband is being more honest with himself then my wife is with herself.

byefornow posted 3/20/2014 05:36 AM

Thank you all for your help. Taking time out of your day to help me, means so much!

This weekend I am going to talk to him more about his percent without dwelling on it too much. I truly, knowing him, felt he was saying "I can't believe I did this the first time and now I am second guessing myself".

You all have given me thoughts to consider today. Just praying for a less tearful day. Maybe the sun will finally shine today?

MindMonkey posted 3/20/2014 10:23 AM

I actually accept a number <100% as true remorse. I want FWW to be fightend of the .1% chance out there. She's cheated twice. She better not tell me it could NEVER happen again. In a way, I'm actually more confident than my FWW that it won't.

I would expain to your man that it's fine he's only 99.9% sure as long as he KNOWS that the remaining .1% is your deal breaker.

neverdidithink posted 3/20/2014 10:32 AM

it's fine he's only 99.9% sure as long as he KNOWS that the remaining .1% is your deal breaker

peoplepleaser posted 3/20/2014 11:22 AM

MindMonkey, I love that post. It succinctly said what I was feeling. In noticing the vulnerability there is done security that precautions will be taken. Thank you.

peoplepleaser posted 3/20/2014 11:22 AM

MindMonkey, I love that post. It succinctly said what I was feeling. In noticing the vulnerability there is done security that precautions will be taken. Thank you.

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