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Husband's advice from his IC

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Klove posted 3/19/2014 16:16 PM

Ugh. Stbxh just called after his IC session to say he talked to the IC about how he misses the kids so much.
The IC wanted him to talk to me about a week on/week off in the house with the boys. That this is a common arrangement during this time. When I hesitated, he flipped out. Said he was going to put all his wishes in an email to me and if I ignored them, he would show the boys he tried and I ignored him for my own gain.
Nevermind the fact that he is only home 30-40% of the time for the last 4 yrs and he will just adjust his work schedule (in another 3 weeks when this project is over...his kids weren't enough of a priority for the last 3 weeks or 3 weeks to come.)
Nevermind the fact that he has a free place to stay down the road from our house so he can visit the boys whenever he free place to live on my off week is 20 mins away.
Nevermind my free place is wayyyy out of my way for work. Also crossing a bridge $1 each way. My home is not. And I have to pay for gas while he has a company car
and gas.
Nevermind he's batshit crazy. Clearly his IC isn't hearing about the abusive bullying my stbxh has done here the last few days.

I just want all this over. I can't stand this bullshit.
First Lawyer appt tomorrow should help...

Nature_Girl posted 3/19/2014 16:19 PM

That arrangement is called nesting, and by & large it is frowned upon and discouraged by most people, including child psychologists. This is an arrangement which I beg you to NEVER agree to. Your STBX is psychotic, and I think he's going to get violent with you very soon. If you were to do a nesting thing you would find yourself watched 24x7 by the hidden cameras he would plant & the microphones he would conceal.

This man is dangerous.

damncutekitty posted 3/19/2014 16:21 PM

You need to move up that lawyer appointment to like, yesterday.

He does not miss the kids. That's his excuse. And his claim that this was the advise of his therapist is most likely a lie. My XH used to claim that his IC encouraged his infidelity. Your WH wants control over you. He wants to be in the house so he can snoop through your stuff and keep tabs on you.

Be careful with this man. He sounds like a control freak. I hope that he does not escalate into scary violent territory.

SBB posted 3/19/2014 16:30 PM

Yes, I too heard a bunch of bullshit about what 'his IC said".

This is not the domain of ICs, this is the domain of the courts.

If you can I would get your boys into IC ASAP. He is absolutely going to pull parental alienation on you and claim you are doing it.

Nag recommended the boom "Divorce Poison" to me here and I recommend it for you.

None of this is about the kids - this is all about tormenting you.

Do not take his calls - insist on all comms in writing so you have a record of what he is saying. I hope you got his comment about showing the boys on tape. You are going to need it.

My girls are 6 and 3.5 and the sad clown wanted week about (not in the same home). I refused to not see my girls for a whole week whilst they're little. No way in hell would I agree to nesting with such an unbalanced guy. No way.

It might be time to visit the local police to have a chat so they are aware of what is going on. Make sure you document everything. Inform the neighbours. Now is not the time to worry about airing dirty laundry - this kind of abuse thrives in the dark. Being it out into the stark sunlight.

Please - stop taking his calls.

[This message edited by SBB at 4:32 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

Klove posted 3/19/2014 16:36 PM

I didn't get the show the boys comment on tape because it was on the phone.
To get around an argument I told him I would discuss it with my lawyer...he said "remember she is a lawyer- not a psychologist."
Ugh. For the millionth time I ask myself- why did I marry this man?

Nature_Girl posted 3/19/2014 16:40 PM

I have a feeling your STBX is in the same category as mine as far as mentally deranged and evil. Girlfriend, you need to get as many warriors IRL on your posse ASAP. Tell EVERYONE what is going on. You're going to need some serious help.

This is not going to be an easy or cheap divorce for you.

GotPlayed posted 3/19/2014 16:47 PM

I'm no IC, but I don't think any IC would ever suggest emotional blackmail involving the children ( "I'm going to write this email, and if you don't do what I want, the children will know" ), even if they were for nesting.

Ask him if that part came from his therapist too. If he says it did, ask him for the IC phone number and say you're going to conference him in. If it didn't, ask him for his therapist phone number again, so you both can talk about blackmail along with your lawyer and "you can all be on the same page" (now it's a 4 way conference!).

Because that, itself, is abusive bullying. It's one thing to ask, quite another to blackmail and think of "gain".

It's bull. You don't have to do anything.

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 4:48 PM, March 19th, 2014 (Wednesday)]

Klove posted 3/19/2014 16:54 PM

I just read a few articles on bird nesting. I can see how it would be really great in a lot of situations...
With 2 sane parents.
I can't even imagine this working with stbxh. I feel sick. But, man, he is going to use this as Klove isn't working in the kid's best interests....

ButterflyGirl posted 3/19/2014 17:12 PM

He just threatened parental alienation, a HUMONGOUS NO-NO, and you don't have proof because it was a phone call.


Take2 posted 3/19/2014 17:26 PM

I have to agree - this wouldn't have occurred undocumented if you weren't taking his calls. Stop answering the phone!!! Let it go to voice mail - let him email. Use the VAR if he shows up.

Klove posted 3/19/2014 17:36 PM

I wonder if I incite him by texting:
"Just curious- did your IC tell you that it was a good idea to put your wishes in an email and when I ignore those wishes to show the boys that you tried and that I was selfish? Or was idea all your own?"
I wonder if he would get into a text battle with me that would be on record?

[This message edited by Klove at 5:37 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

ButterflyGirl posted 3/19/2014 17:42 PM

You can bait him to repeat, but remember the judge is looking at your words too. Always remember the judge is reading, and be reasonable, polite, professional, and NEVER deragotory, emotional or sarcastic.

I've lived this girl. You have to accept how serious this is. Protecting yourself is number 1.

I promise. He's gonna hang himself. I've been wiping the floor with my ex in court by following the rules of only texts or emails.

He's gonna bitch for a while, "I don't have time for email," etc, but he needs to learn the new normal. Don't bend on this rule.

ButterflyGirl posted 3/19/2014 17:45 PM

I would email him, "I think emailing your wishes is a good idea so we can discuss, but I don't think we should ever involve our children in our negotiations."

caregiver9000 posted 3/19/2014 17:53 PM

I am going to echo a few things here.

1. I think your ex is creepy evil and mean and a bully. There are a few of us who have experience with those kind and I think we learn to spidey sense them in others. Please take note of the ladies who are posting repeatedly on your threads.

2. Absolutely stop talking to him. Make up some bullshit about going over your minutes, or develop laryngitis or blame your L, but stop talking to him!! Force him to put his bullying in text or email. (my ex threatened to shoot a professional person giving me treatment during the S. And he added in a cold voice, that I knew he could do it too... But because it was a voice threat against a third party instead of against me, and because he said he NEVER would say something like that!! I also tried to document after the fact in emails and he always responded with "what? CG, you are crazy... I really think you need help. I am concerned for you and for the children.)

3. Using the expert suggested something that is really something HE wants is very very common. The "voices in his head" experts. All his friends that he has told his side of the story to. Everyone agrees... All the more reason to stop talking to him!!!

Remember, in text there is no hesitation for him to flip out during. And if he blows up your phone with this stuff, good!!

Try not to buy into his tactics. He is hitting you where he knows your weakness is: the kids.


ButterflyGirl posted 3/19/2014 18:09 PM

Oh, and develop a thick skin. I've been accused of everything under the sun. But guess what? He can't prove what's not true! Believe that the truth will set you free.

He is going to make you question your feelings, actions, everything. Don't let him! Tell us here what he said. (And I relied on my mom). We will dissect it and show you the truth of his motives. I posted our communications tons of times, and everyone was so helpful to me how i could improve..

And IGNORE any outright accusations or derogatory statements. You only have to answer direct questions about the children and finances. In no way to you have to defend yourself or explain how you *arent* doing something. And don't try to fix him either. Let him shoot himself in the foot. To the judge, you both deserve respectful communication. It's great if you're the only one giving it.

I will also agree it's not about the kids. A hard truth for me to accept was that he doesn't really want the children all that often, but for him it has to be my fault he's not getting to see them. Accept he might be like that too..

[This message edited by ButterflyGirl at 7:38 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

gonnabe2016 posted 3/19/2014 19:35 PM

Since it seems that you are currently still living together, *staying away* from his incendiary comments or requiring that he use email/text will be pretty difficult......unless you engage him through those mediums at a time when he's not in town and get him *talking* about it. I would suggest that you carry a VAR on you when the 2 of you are in the house together. The VAR may not give you anything that is would count as *admissible* evidence, but at least your L would be able to hear the conversation and plan accordingly.

And welcome to the world of *mystery people*. You're gonna start hearing about *this* person or *that* person whose viewpoints align perfectly with your stbx's stance.....and paint YOU as unreasonable. Ig-Nore It. Adopt a "don't care, <this> works for me" attitude and don't go back-and-forth with him about it.

I am also going to second BG's message about how to deal with him in regards to ignoring the wild accusations and assumptions that he'll (most likely) make about you.
Just make note of the things that he is accusing you of so that you can give your L a heads-up and have *your* version available.

Your stbx can say that you are the most horrible person on earth, who does the most awful things and is the world's most incompetent mom -- but until he makes those accusations to a judge (orally or in motions).....all he's doing is being a bully and you are free to roll your eyes and walk away. It's a time-waster to respond to ridiculous accusations.

And this:
****if I ignored them, he would show the boys he tried and I ignored him for my own gain. *****
Even IF you were being unreasonable, what kind of dumbass decides that he's going to threaten telling his YOUNG children this? What an idiot.

one2ndchance posted 3/19/2014 23:22 PM

I find it horrific that he's threatened to show your 5 & 7 year old children an email to insinuate you are selfish!

What kind of man wants to directly involve young children in all the acrimony of a separation and divorce?! My goodness....can he stoop any lower?

Nature_Girl posted 3/19/2014 23:48 PM

Have you started reading Divorce Poison yet? You must. My ex also used my children during the divorce. He still is. Tells them all kinds of lies about me, uses them as emotional dumping grounds, uses them as messengers, verbally abuses them... Children are absolutely fair game to this kind of sick person.

Do not underestimate the level of evil you are dealing with.

BtraydWife posted 3/20/2014 10:05 AM

Stop believing and caring what this liar says to you. For all you know he met a guy at a bar for a beer and they discussed this.

Even if he did go to a therapy session you have NO IDEA what was discussed, none. And anything that was discussed is advice for your WH to follow, not you.

Nothing a therapist will say to your WH means anything because you know for a fact that your WH is not being completely honest with his therapist. Anything his therapist *might* say that is in his favor-he will run with it. This is not your therapist. It doesn't matter to you, what this therapist says. Not your problem.

Please listen to what people are posting. No more phone calls. None. You can not be reasonable with this guy. Any further attempts by you to be civil with him will result in you being hurt in some way.

Get your lawyer. Anything other than kid info should go though the lawyer. Finance stuff-go through the lawyer. And the contact you do have regarding the kids stays strictly unemotional and is done with email or texts.

My goodness....can he stoop any lower?
Yes, he has a long way down he can still go. And he will.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 10:06 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]

Faithful w/Love posted 3/20/2014 10:11 AM

I am scared for you. My STBX is very controlling and manipulative. He use to be physically abusive when he would not get his way or I pissed him off about something. He has stopped that but went on to mental and emotional abuse, however, I know that the physical abuse could come out one day but I don't think he will because our son is older now.

My point is you have to play it safe for you and your kids. I see what he is doing and he is GOING TO SNAP and I am afraid for you!

Please do what others are telling you and I would let others know about this so that you have backup if something were to happen.

What if he gets in a drunken rage and comes to the house while you are asleep or even awake. I know how these people think. Please call your lawyer and tell him TODAY what is going on. See if you can protect yourself by changing the locks. Or putting a deadbolt on. Your babies need you. He is not in his right frame of mind because he can not control you so he is using the kids and if you don't agree he will come at you!

These people don't think of the consequence of what they will do they just do them.

Girl he is scaring me!

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