SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

WH has been making some strides toward R, one of which was to see a MC. I scheduled an appointment for us at an office with a female therapist who primarily deals with relationship counseling, but they were booked for almost a month, so we still have two weeks to wait... WH took some initiative finally (I was so impressed and happy) and set an appointment with someone he found that could see us on Monday. He told me he really liked the sound of this guys counseling methods, etc. I looked him up today, and his therapist doesn't specialize in MC and some of his "techniques" are focusing on present positives and letting go of past problems. I was pissed that this was WHs choice!

how do you choose the right MC?

To tell you the truth I picked a male counselor so my WH could better relate since he was the one with the major issues...MC is the one thing that has really helped us along...that and books...in fact I recently shoved an excellent book in his face called how to help your spouse heal from your affair...I really liked it and read it in under an hour...if he followed that manual to a T that would really help our relationship...it's my favorite book so far...we'll see if he reads it like he claims he is...Happy you ate seeing a counselor that's a major and dire step!

I would be very uncomfortable with that choice. It sounds like your H shopped for and found a partner in rugsweeping.

We got a recommendation and I also took the 15 min. free phone consultation the MC offered. I asked a bunch of questions about her experience with Infidelity. If she knew about Dr. Glass and if she read the book 'Not Just Friends'. She had and I asked her take. I used the whole 15 mins., I loved that she answered completely and directly. She wasn't trying to 'sell' me, and she didn't pontificate. I liked her(and felt safe) from day one.

That was all I needed. We didn't do MC until years after Dday. We had to wait a month for our first appt. IMO, the good ones are worth waiting for.

Do not go into it thinking that you are 'stuck' with any one MC. Know what you are looking for, discuss it with your H, lay down your requirements and listen to his.

I would not be interested in attending MC with my partner if they are not willing to take time to acknowledge and examine the A. It isn't all that you will face/discuss but if he wants to back burner that, make sure he knows that will not be a possibility.

[This message edited by redrock at 5:07 PM, March 19th (Wednesday)]

finding a good mc can be hard. after credentials, it can come down to one that you both are comfortable wtih. there's nothing wrong with meeting with several until you find a fit.

for us, the MC had to "fit" with us. luckily, the first one we went to did.

on our first visit, we let him know what we were comfortable with (mr unfound is not a big reader, I'm a lay in on the line no bullshitting gal... we didn't like the idea of role playing or homework etc..). he respected that and conducted our sessions as such.

he never gave us a "six months and you should be at xyz point", but acknowledged that it would take as long as it would take, as long as both of us were participating and honest.

he had a great sense of humor. something we both appreciated and another "fit". during our second visit he asked me "I have to ask if you're feeling suicidal... I don't have to ask if you're feeling homicidal, that's kinda obvious"

he was willing to share information and have information shared by mr unfounds IC. big help.

he called us both on our shit early on.

he was professionally empathetic. he had been a bs, but could relate to mr unfound really well.

he didn't offer solutions, but led us to them. he'd give advice and ideas and tools, but it was up to us to use them.

it can be so hard to find a good mc, between insurance, costs, location....then toss in the specificity of dealing with infidelity and R...

living in the present and letting go of past problems..

I'd be curious as to how they define and implement these techniques. do they mean move forward from where you are, or resolving the past (letting go?) and being able to be appreciative of the work you'll be doing in the present.. hmmmmm?

The description the therapist had on his website said something to the affect that past conflicts or imperfections shouldn't be dwelled upon, that what you're doing right now matters much more, and that it usually doesn't help to delve into the past when working on the future! I was absolutely PISSED when reading this, being WHs first choice counselor!

I don't like the sound of his choice in counselor either, for the same rugsweeping reason. There may be a time and place for that kind of therapy but healing from an A isn't one of them.

The best advice I've seen here in SI re:choosing a therapist was given by Obliquestrat (si username) I have copied and pasted it here. I know you already have an appt but I think it's excellent advice. Have read quite a few posts about bad therapists and who wants to waste time and money if you can help it, much less risk the emotional ramifications.

When I started, I went to someone from the "Find a Local Counselor" section. They were very kind and understanding, but I didn't feel like they were anything like an infidelity sharpshooter - and that's what I wanted.

I found a winner by "phone screening" a dozen or so local/insurance-covered ones with some questions including:

- what % of your practice is individual versus couples?

- how much experience and training do you have with infidelity?

- what books THAT YOU'VE PERSONALLY READ align with your infidelity philosophy?

- how do you feel about a BS' need to know on details?

- do you agree that the BS and WS share the marriage, while the WS owns the A?

the most revealing, by far, was the book thing. Some couldn't even name infidelity-specific books. I think the part that tied them in knots was the bit about them reading it - I think many take the, "I recommend this one to my clients and they seem to like it..." type of line, without actually studying (or even reading) the material themselves. Or maybe they read something 10 years ago, and basically forgot about it.

Our counselor lit up when asked the question, immediately naming Not Just Friends, How To Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair, and After The Affair. And on our first visit to their office, they had copies of those and many more on their desk, filled with color-coded bookmarks.