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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: How to Help your spouse heal from your affair
undonelife
♀ 38421
Member # 38421
Default  Posted: 5:28 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am a BS. I have been reading the "how to help your spouse heal from an affair" book. I wish I'd read it the day after DDay. I feel like we have several strikes against us. He did all the top 4 worst things to do when being discovered. 1. Leave with AP. 2. Leave but not with AP. 3. Stay but do nothing to heal. 4. Stay but do a haphazard attempt to heal. (the wayward feels he/she knows how to do it best with no help)

When confronted he immediately told me he wanted her not me. Didn't love me anymore, loved her. He agreed to go to MC but 6 weeks later after trying MC he said he didn't want anymore time with me, withdrew money from our account to pay for his L fees and proceeded to look for a place to live. When questioned said he didn't want her, he just wanted to get away from me, move on and get a life of his own. I didn't believe him and felt he had made arrangements with her to pretend for a while in MC and then say it wasnt working then go thru with the divorce and hook back up with her when enough time had passed, but he stuck with that story for quite a while. He never moved out (L told him not to), then 2 1/2 months (of pure torture for me while having to live with him knowing he was D me) later relented, said he loved me, wanted to work things out. Even then he wanted to "move past it", not talk about it, not reveal answers to details I asked for. 7 months later I discovered texts and pictures revealing that he had lied to me over and over for months about details. Had told me no as answers when he should have answered yes. He claims he did it to keep from hurting me although I insisted I needed truth and answers to my questions. I have been struggling. its been 15 months but Im still wondering if I want this marriage or not.

I encourage all BS to read this book as well as insist their waywards to read as well. It validated many of the things I've been feeling and helped me understand why I'm struggling so much to reconcile. He is doing a lot now, 15 months out, but I wonder if its enough of too little too late.

I appreciate any opinions or thoughts on this or any feelings you have in your own situation in conjuction with this book. Im trying to sort things out in my mind and wonder if we can make it or not.


Me: BS 53 Him: WH 51
M: 28 years (30 now)
DDay 11/25/12 TT 9/9/13
OW:20 yrs younger McOW
Kids: 2

Posts: 196 | Registered: Feb 2013 | From: Dont know anymore
Skan
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 6:29 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Oh yes, this was a great book for both FWH and for me. I learned that I was not crazy and he learned that I was not crazy. I credit this book with being a firm foundation stone for us. I still re-read it upon occasion when I'm feeling like I was/am being too crazy/controlling/trigger/etc.


Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012



Posts: 5100 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
veronique12
♀ 42185
Member # 42185
Default  Posted: 8:04 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This book started us on the road to R and help end months of my H's TT. I was at the end of my rope with H's half-hearted remorse and minimizing and I demanded my H read this book aloud with me as my last attempt to try to force a real understanding of what I needed from him. The change in my H after he read the book was immediate. I learned some really painful details about the A minutes after we finished. It hurt to hear these but if he hadn't revealed the truth we would prob be separated now.

H did a lot of things wrong too after d-day, esp the blame shifting, TT in order to protect himself. After this book he realized there was no way forward without complete transparency. This book was the catalyst for my H's understanding that his role should be healer and that he had the power to prove his worth to and love for me. I'm so grateful that we found this book.


BW: me (38)
WH: 43
OW: false "friend"
D-Day: 11/29/13 (4 month EA discovered); 12/19/13 (discovered was also PA); TT thru 2/14
Married: 2001; Together for nearly 20 years
2 beautiful young kids

Posts: 571 | Registered: Jan 2014
rachelc
♀ 30314
Member # 30314
Default  Posted: 9:02 PM, March 19th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I sat my husband down and made him read this between his affairs. He would say he wasn't ready to read it. I think his second affair was two weeks later...
So, I like the book but the humility it brings to a lot of waywards didn't work for us.


his Dday: 2/10 but TT until 7/11
my Ddays: 1/12, 4/12 broken NC 12/12

me (WW/BS): 48
him: (BS/WH)52
4 kiddos in mid 20's

“Follow your intuition. Be smart, be brave. Tell the truth and don’t take any shit.”


Posts: 5531 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Midwest
Gotmegood
♀ 41407
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 12:15 AM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

That book was my Christmas gift to my WH. Without it, we would still be separated. I thank god I found it....and that he read it


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 529 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
Topic Posts: 5

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