I am at the age I should be starting to enjoy certain things. Instead, I have to worry about money, I have no retirement so I will have to work forever (self employed). I would like a "companion" because I will never marry again. But I don't feel as though that will ever happen because I can't heal.
I am scared that I will never have love, sex, a real partnership. And that hurts.
They have a choice: they can live in my new world, or they can die in their old one." — Daenerys Targaryen
Just take one day at a time, that's what I tell myself. Being alone is better than being lied to, disrespected, and betrayed. And I seriously doubt you'll always alone.
*Finding my strength*
I don't know that I'd characterize what I feel as pain. Just sad.
I will never marry again - of that I am certain. In a way it feels like the next guy is going to be paying the tax on what the sad clown did to me.
I don't think I'll never find love or sex again - I'm afraid I'll never allow myself to be vulnerable again. I'm afraid I'll never trust my picker again.
My girls are very young too so it will be near impossible for me to have a 'normal' relationship unless I'm willing to risk them bonding with someone to have it end. I'm not. So thats another 10-15 years gone. I'll be mid 50's by then and still working my arse off to be able to afford the good cat food for me to eat in retirement.
The financial stuff is a kicker too - he is now enjoying the career and salary I helped him get. He would never have climbed that corporate ladder without my coaching and support. I put aside my own career and education because, well, it would have been too difficult for both of us to do it at the same time (I thought I had time to do it later) and because I saw my investment in his career as an investment in mine and my girls futures.
How wrong I was.
But... none of us know what the future holds. Perhaps with enough healing and growing we'll either find we're happy on our own or we'll open our hearts to that risk again. Albeit mitigated (NEVER marrying or joining my life with anyone ever again).
50s and 60s isn't old anymore. Unfortunately the pool gets pretty full as this range tends to date those in their 30s/40s too. I can't fathom what a 30 year old would have to offer me NOW at 38, at 45, 50? Fuggedabout it.
I have 1 DS16 with STBXH. For the first 18 months or so DS would not have anything to do with his father. Now, they have lunch about every 2 weeks. No overnights etc. There really is nc all the way around. I have seen STBXH only during court hearings. He is blocked on my phone, so no calls and never any emails.
Occasionally I will have really down days where I allow myself to wallow in self pity. I don't think it's pain from the loss of him. I believe it's the pain of losing how I thought my life would play out as we approached retirement and a graceful slide into our golden years.
I am scared that I will never have love, sex, a real partnership. And that hurts
I'm scared of this also, but I realize the only chance of having it, is to let the pain go. By that, I mean I have to accept what's happened in my life.
To quote that great philosopher, Mick Jagger, "You can't always get what you want..." Life is filled with good times AND lots of disappointment. When we are younger, we make it through the bad times emotionally by telling ourselves it's not too late. But at some point we cross a line, where what we're still hoping for may not be found. How do we accept that and still have a satisfying life?
I once read an article about acceptance with the use of behavioral therapy. To me, it was like a fake it 'til you make it theory. But I found that it helped.
Whenever I start my pity party, I choose to indulge it with a good cry and a day getting nothing accomplished, or I turn the lights out on it by turning up the corners of my mouth (There's research saying you can change emotions by changing your face. You're sending a message to your brain through your face that things aren't so bad.) And I start listing all the good things in my life.
Let's face it, there's always someone worse off and while I don't think that's a positive way to look at it, it helps you to form your grateful list.
The goal in life is to be the best person you can possibly be. You adapt the characteristics that you admire in other people...self confidence, kindness, honesty, sense of humor, passion, etc.
You make yourself available to life because I've found as I approach my 60's, I don't have alot of time left, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the fact that I don't have a man in my life keep me from enjoying my family, friends, good health, work, nature, exercise, entertainment and everything else life offers.
I'm afraid of the same things you're afraid of. I just don't want those fears to rob me of what's left of my life.
It's hard to see the road ahead if you're always looking in the rear view mirror.
NC in your situation sounds great. With two small kids, I can't block her texts or emails. If you are going through a divorce, you may want to reconsider allowing him to text or email. You might get things to use in court.
I am working on just accepting what happened. Grieving the dream. I am 55 years old and just finishing school. I will work until I die, my financial future is pretty bleak. I gave up a beautiful home, financial security and a lying, cheating, man who betrayed me and broke my trust. But he did not break me.
I believe we have an inner core of strength that carries us through this nightmare. The pain was suffocating, but I managed to breath through it.
I use to think that at some point in time, I'd feel like myself again. Well, I now realize, that I will never be the same person I was before. That makes me so sad, I will never be that trusting, loving and giving woman I was. I think there will always be a part of me that holds back. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Just part of the new paradigm we are in now.
Starting over at 54.
I have resigned myself to the fact that I will not have the lifestyle that I believed we would have on his income. I have resigned myself to a simple life focused on Teslet and cultivating healthy friendships. This resignation has brought me a sense of peace.
As far as another marriage. No thank you.
Companionship would be nice, but not practical right now. I am afraid that I will make the next guy pay for ex-shat's sins. But I don't know and I suppose will have to cross that bridge if ever I find it on this journey.
I try very much to just be present in the moment and enjoy it. Not an easy task, but it is where I am at.
Am I forever changed? yes absolutely. I'm in a new relationshipe of 3+ years. I am also forever changed by that. If we break up, I would be even more changed. All things change us. It is up to us to mold the change into the person we want to be. You're doing plenty of the good things for that.
At 2 years, I was still struggling a lot. In some ways it was the worst period of it all.
The way I approached new relationships is different but I am open to it and enjoying my new relationship. Retirement? What retirement? I have a little more now than I thought I would but that has come from pursuing new career opportunities and working a million hours a week.
Its not supposed to be like this? How is it supposed to be? Who says? Why? This is my life...it's taken a looooooong time to get content and happy with my new life. I am. I worked very hard on acceptance and living happily in my own moments.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
While I am not happy that you all have gone through this devastation, it helps to know others have the same feelings and concerns.
I need to remember that I am changed. It is what it is.