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Afraid I will never heal

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Must Survive posted 3/19/2014 22:36 PM

Two years, 4 months out from d-day. Do any of you ever feel as though you will never heal from this? I am in IC, volunteer, work, exercise and I still feel so much pain.

I am at the age I should be starting to enjoy certain things. Instead, I have to worry about money, I have no retirement so I will have to work forever (self employed). I would like a "companion" because I will never marry again. But I don't feel as though that will ever happen because I can't heal.

I am scared that I will never have love, sex, a real partnership. And that hurts.

Nomorestrength posted 3/19/2014 23:03 PM

I worry about the same things. I will carry this with me forever.

Just take one day at a time, that's what I tell myself. Being alone is better than being lied to, disrespected, and betrayed. And I seriously doubt you'll always alone.

twillett333 posted 3/19/2014 23:11 PM

Im only a couple months from dday and a few days from dday #2 and it certainly feels like i will never heal. I know i will in time and you will too (((mustsurvive)))

Caretaker1 posted 3/19/2014 23:16 PM

Did you have kids together? Makes it that much worse you have to see the asshole.

Nature_Girl posted 3/19/2014 23:39 PM

I do feel sad & sorry for myself for the same reasons. Will have to work until I drop dead. Will probably never know true love or companionship. Will never marry.

I don't know that I'd characterize what I feel as pain. Just sad.

RedWheelBarrow posted 3/20/2014 00:03 AM

Count me in this category too. I'm going to be busting my ass trying to make a new life - for a long time! Sadly, where's the time/space/money for new partners, vacations, etc? Maybe when I'm 60-something. *sigh*
I have to think that once this phase of sadness passes, things will look brighter for all of us. After getting our minds around the new normal, that is.
((((hugs)))))

SBB posted 3/20/2014 01:51 AM

I'm forever changed by this so I do worry about some of the same things.

I will never marry again - of that I am certain. In a way it feels like the next guy is going to be paying the tax on what the sad clown did to me.

I don't think I'll never find love or sex again - I'm afraid I'll never allow myself to be vulnerable again. I'm afraid I'll never trust my picker again.

My girls are very young too so it will be near impossible for me to have a 'normal' relationship unless I'm willing to risk them bonding with someone to have it end. I'm not. So thats another 10-15 years gone. I'll be mid 50's by then and still working my arse off to be able to afford the good cat food for me to eat in retirement.

The financial stuff is a kicker too - he is now enjoying the career and salary I helped him get. He would never have climbed that corporate ladder without my coaching and support. I put aside my own career and education because, well, it would have been too difficult for both of us to do it at the same time (I thought I had time to do it later) and because I saw my investment in his career as an investment in mine and my girls futures.

How wrong I was.

But... none of us know what the future holds. Perhaps with enough healing and growing we'll either find we're happy on our own or we'll open our hearts to that risk again. Albeit mitigated (NEVER marrying or joining my life with anyone ever again).

50s and 60s isn't old anymore. Unfortunately the pool gets pretty full as this range tends to date those in their 30s/40s too. I can't fathom what a 30 year old would have to offer me NOW at 38, at 45, 50? Fuggedabout it.

stronger08 posted 3/20/2014 03:38 AM

Took me many years and a complete change of lifestyle to feel comfortable with myself again. Don't rush it as it will come. Some folks heal quicker than others and while I hate putting timelines on things, its ben said here that it takes up to 5 years to fully heal. Like you I doubt I'll remarry, but I sure would not mind a steady, healthy relationship. So far that alludes me, but I feel it will sooner or later. For now I date and have these semi relationships. Maybe I'm kidding myself but it seems to work for me. And to be quite honest I'm not really out there looking for one either. I have a lady friend who I am involved with, but there is no future in it as she is in no position at this time to pursue a fulltime relationship. But we take care of each others needs and do love one another. But I don't see any long term potential. So I will fake it till I make it. And like the song says "If you cant be with the one you love, love the one your with" Hang in there my friend, things will get better.

Must Survive posted 3/20/2014 08:55 AM

Caretaker,

I have 1 DS16 with STBXH. For the first 18 months or so DS would not have anything to do with his father. Now, they have lunch about every 2 weeks. No overnights etc. There really is nc all the way around. I have seen STBXH only during court hearings. He is blocked on my phone, so no calls and never any emails.

one2ndchance posted 3/20/2014 13:04 PM

I'm ten years out from first d-day, about 2 years out from second d-day. Presently going through divorce.

Occasionally I will have really down days where I allow myself to wallow in self pity. I don't think it's pain from the loss of him. I believe it's the pain of losing how I thought my life would play out as we approached retirement and a graceful slide into our golden years.

I am scared that I will never have love, sex, a real partnership. And that hurts

I'm scared of this also, but I realize the only chance of having it, is to let the pain go. By that, I mean I have to accept what's happened in my life.

To quote that great philosopher, Mick Jagger, "You can't always get what you want..." Life is filled with good times AND lots of disappointment. When we are younger, we make it through the bad times emotionally by telling ourselves it's not too late. But at some point we cross a line, where what we're still hoping for may not be found. How do we accept that and still have a satisfying life?

I once read an article about acceptance with the use of behavioral therapy. To me, it was like a fake it 'til you make it theory. But I found that it helped.

Whenever I start my pity party, I choose to indulge it with a good cry and a day getting nothing accomplished, or I turn the lights out on it by turning up the corners of my mouth (There's research saying you can change emotions by changing your face. You're sending a message to your brain through your face that things aren't so bad.) And I start listing all the good things in my life.

Let's face it, there's always someone worse off and while I don't think that's a positive way to look at it, it helps you to form your grateful list.

The goal in life is to be the best person you can possibly be. You adapt the characteristics that you admire in other people...self confidence, kindness, honesty, sense of humor, passion, etc.

You make yourself available to life because I've found as I approach my 60's, I don't have alot of time left, and I'll be damned if I'm going to let the fact that I don't have a man in my life keep me from enjoying my family, friends, good health, work, nature, exercise, entertainment and everything else life offers.

I'm afraid of the same things you're afraid of. I just don't want those fears to rob me of what's left of my life.

Caretaker1 posted 3/20/2014 20:09 PM

Must Survive

NC in your situation sounds great. With two small kids, I can't block her texts or emails. If you are going through a divorce, you may want to reconsider allowing him to text or email. You might get things to use in court.

Dawn58 posted 3/20/2014 22:11 PM

I am afraid that I will never trust again, or love again. Not like I did with my STBX. I am almost 16 months out. I did find my smile again, never thought I would smile again. I am dating someone, but it's pretty casual. I do not want to marry again. I do want companionship but I like having my own space and my freedom. I don't want to be under someone's thumb again, trying so hard to please someone else. I just want to be happy.

I am working on just accepting what happened. Grieving the dream. I am 55 years old and just finishing school. I will work until I die, my financial future is pretty bleak. I gave up a beautiful home, financial security and a lying, cheating, man who betrayed me and broke my trust. But he did not break me.

I believe we have an inner core of strength that carries us through this nightmare. The pain was suffocating, but I managed to breath through it.

I use to think that at some point in time, I'd feel like myself again. Well, I now realize, that I will never be the same person I was before. That makes me so sad, I will never be that trusting, loving and giving woman I was. I think there will always be a part of me that holds back. Maybe that's not such a bad thing. Just part of the new paradigm we are in now.

SurelyNOT posted 3/21/2014 09:55 AM

Just like everyone else here, I too feel exactly the same - it is reassuring to know that this is not that unusual, given what has been inflicted upon us. BUT gawd, it is awful, I just hate feeling this way.
Infidelity changes who we are forever!!!
Hopefully we will navigate these new unchartered waters and learn to be happy again.
Sending ((( HUGS ))) and strength to all of us in the depth of this horribleness.

shiloe posted 3/21/2014 10:23 AM

I right there with you all too.

Starting over at 54.

ruinedandbroken posted 3/22/2014 00:27 AM

Yes, I'm with you too. For me it will be 4 years in July. It feels like my life came to a screetching halt the day he left/DDay and everything since has been a painful blur. Yes, I am better now than I was then, but I still feel stuck and in a lot of pain. I am still in counseling. I am still lonely, scared, and completely messed up. And I don't forsee that ever changing.

tesla posted 3/22/2014 07:50 AM

We registered at the same time.
I am not healed.
I am still growing and learning who to be. I am still figuring out how to deal with ex-shat while he oscillates between deadbeat and Disney Dad. I am still figuring out how not to be bitter even while that piece of shit owes me thousands upon thousands of dollars from the settlement and unpaid child support.

I have resigned myself to the fact that I will not have the lifestyle that I believed we would have on his income. I have resigned myself to a simple life focused on Teslet and cultivating healthy friendships. This resignation has brought me a sense of peace.

As far as another marriage. No thank you.
Companionship would be nice, but not practical right now. I am afraid that I will make the next guy pay for ex-shat's sins. But I don't know and I suppose will have to cross that bridge if ever I find it on this journey.

I try very much to just be present in the moment and enjoy it. Not an easy task, but it is where I am at.

hexed posted 3/22/2014 08:00 AM

I'm much further out. Healing is individual.

Am I forever changed? yes absolutely. I'm in a new relationshipe of 3+ years. I am also forever changed by that. If we break up, I would be even more changed. All things change us. It is up to us to mold the change into the person we want to be. You're doing plenty of the good things for that.

At 2 years, I was still struggling a lot. In some ways it was the worst period of it all.

The way I approached new relationships is different but I am open to it and enjoying my new relationship. Retirement? What retirement? I have a little more now than I thought I would but that has come from pursuing new career opportunities and working a million hours a week.

Its not supposed to be like this? How is it supposed to be? Who says? Why? This is my life...it's taken a looooooong time to get content and happy with my new life. I am. I worked very hard on acceptance and living happily in my own moments.

Must Survive posted 3/22/2014 14:40 PM

Thanks everyone.

While I am not happy that you all have gone through this devastation, it helps to know others have the same feelings and concerns.

I need to remember that I am changed. It is what it is.

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