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revenge affair?

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ItllGetBetter posted 3/19/2014 23:14 PM

My soul mate, love of my life, gave MY WHOLE LIFE to this chick, quit his job, started up a company with her, fathered her child it seems, filled his car with stroller, baby seat base ("she's my friend, jeez") we are in bankrupsy because there's no money for his "old" life, the new one being far more important...Our oldest became a heroine addict during this horrific time, the furnace doesn't work all winter, he runs off to Florida for a week to golf yet cannot take the time to help get his firstborn to the methadone clinic...on and on and on. I am finally done, he slept with her, he kept her. He never gave us one extra day to work it out, for me to get what I needed to heal. NPD? You bet.
So, I want to say, I never EVER looked at another man - never was in that place. I was so so so married. But it became quite clear he was never going to "fix" the hurt, stated all the reasons why he did what he did "I was out the door babe", What?? Where was I during that time? Oh yeah, raising your teenagers, running your house, oh and I had brain surgery. Yep, he became un-in love while I was recovering. Nice. I want to tell you all that I was devastated. This almost un-did me. Actually it did. While he was having his mid-life crisis, I was sobbing to everyone we knew. "Why? What's going on?!" His family. Our children!I was turning 50, felt old, dried up, over. Vulnerable
But he wouldn't throw me the tiniest bone. And so, a few months later, I cheated too. Once. He caught me, I owned up to it. And for the life of me, I just can't think it's the same as what he did. It's. Just. Not.
But boy oh boy, I sure gave him a gift. Now he doesn't have to answer any of my questions. Not that he was, anyway. He can now tell himself what a little whore I am. Never mind I never was that.
He cheated because he was unhappy. I didn't "make it nice for him". He says that. Over and over. I don't even know what that means.
I cheated because the marraige was wrecked. Everything I lived for, believed in, was gone. Do I regret what I did? I do. Do I think I "did what he did"? No way.
I used to think that infidelity was my dealbreaker. But over the last year, as I tried to get him to talk, I think that it could have been fixed. the dealbreaker it seems is that he didn't think I or our marraige was worth the effort. Any effort. Wow.

Me: BS
Him: Lots of bad bad words
3 exceptional kids, d in heaven, 2 sons 18&19
married 26 more to come
dday: april 10 2013 4pm

MovingUpward posted 3/20/2014 07:58 AM

What he did to you was totally wrong and no one should have had to live through that. On the other hand what you did, broke your vows. It was an equal betrayal of the vows. From your post you know what you did was wrong, but you are trying to sugar coat it by comparing the two examples. Now I am not going to try to beat you up but you need to acknowledge your actions in order to be able to learn from them.

For your own good, I think you need to sit down and dig into why if you knew the marriage was over that you didn't formally end it instead of crossing this boundary and breaking your vow. Why did you act on what was convenient instead of what was right? When you are able to do this you will be able to grow and move forward.


because I know that you are hurt and were hurt and this growing and healing process will be tough but you can do it for you are a worthy person.

[This message edited by MovingUpward at 8:00 AM, March 20th (Thursday)]

suckstobeme posted 3/20/2014 09:10 AM

I'm sorry you are so hurt and devastated by all of his horrible, selfish, cruel choices. I can feel your pain in your post. I honestly have no idea how someone just turns their back on family, including children and spouses who are sick and need help.

I think the issue is that you are now even more upset because your motivation behind the RA may have been to give him a dose of his own medicine. Unfortunately, that backfired. You now lost all credibility with him and, in his mind, his justifications/rationalizations of why he should have left in the first place just became stronger. It hurts that much more because it's one more way that he can reject you.

I understand the motivation. I do. I also understand why it hurts that much more now that he's dismissed your actions and doesn't seem to really care. What you need to figure out is why you chose to lower yourself just to try to get at him. Figure out why it has been so hard for you to separate him from your worth and value as a woman and a mom. You're worth way more than anything that he says or thinks. That's where you need to start.

ItllGetBetter posted 3/29/2014 06:18 AM

Thank you both. You're right. I think perhaps now I get stuck on what HE did vs what i did because he seem not to feel anything remotely close to what I do. If he does it's deep and hidden. All he says, (and I mean all) is I'd need to make it nice for him -- which includes going along - happily - with all he's doing, OW, secret OC, locked phones, etc. I know that's not ok, and that we're done. It just seems so wrong to not connect at least verbally one more time. And we're not, I know that. And so there is much that doesn't matter ( he's dating) - or cannot, anyway.
My motivation for my RA wasn't exactly I didn't go for it, plan it, even decide it. I "let" it.. because well, I wasn't exactly feeling married or attached at that moment,
Which I understand is pretty much what "they all say".
I've not been strong my whole life - defined myself by him. I'm better. I'm learning how to decide to act instead of re-acting.

sisoon posted 3/29/2014 12:59 PM

Is this the first time you've owned your A? If so, that's progress. The more you own it, the closer you'll be to healing.

Was it an exit A? Whether it was or not, why haven't you started D? (From what you say, your M is over. If you end it formally, you'll be free to make a life, either on your own or with someone else.)

Ra123 posted 3/29/2014 13:06 PM

Your note that he never felt the same way you did is exactly right. First, for him to rationalize what he did in the first place would mean he couldn't judge these actions as wrong to begin with. He would have had to view them more or less as normal. Second, even if he did, he would have to balance it against what he did. Either way, it's totally different. If it empowers you in any way, the better for it. Maybe it was part of the gateway to moving on.

whattheh posted 3/29/2014 16:26 PM

I don't think revenge affairs are a good idea but I can see why they occur.

Being betrayed by your spouse thru infidelity and deceit is crazy making stuff and the BS may react in unexpected ways esp if their WS is unremorseful and continues the deceit.

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