I am a bumbling idiot child. Stumbling over myself seemingly getting dumber as time goes on. Never seem to learn much of anything tell it gets driven into my head with a sledgehammer. That's been the recurring pattern my whole life. I sit and regret, abuse and mentally crucify myself over the stupid things I do and have done and what dose it get me. More angry twisted and hateful of myself which then allows me to make more and even dumber decisions.
I've been in r with my b.s. for 4 and a half months now. When I thought I was sorry I apologized. Since then has been a slow progression of realization and discovery that with every step leaves me more and more disgusted and hateful of myself. At first I thought I could apologize for the A. So I did, turned out she had questions and wanted to know why i did everything to i could to destroy her except actualy beet her to death, and why i found it so easy to abandon her and the kids phiscally emotionallyand financially with out a second thought. well duh could have figured that one out. So I come clean about pornography addiction and masturbation, and how I've been mentally conditioning myself this way for years. She took it well a little bump in the road a few struggles Then things were starting to go really good. I'm changing my ways and really trying to make a relationship now and I start to realize I'm still lying to myself and my W. So I try to pray and think I'm wasting my time praying because I haven't told her everything yet, and if I'm wasting my time I'm really wasting hers. So I panic for a day or to and finally come clean about the prostitution, and not just with her but the A.P. as well. Then it comes out I'm a full blown sex addict. And have been for most my life. So I take the appropriate steps and check into a twelve step program and really start to work at fixing myself. I start focusing on what it really means to be transparent and work to achieve it. When the realization comes that I e been a lying piece off sh. The hole marriage. My problem with this is that threw all of this my w is still here willing to work to make some kind of life with me, and for the last two weeks all I can do is cry and mope around like a dumb ads and make things harder.
I've been sliding backwards letting my shame get the better of me, self destructing, using peoples words of encouragement against myself. I had actually convinced my self that I was not worth the hug my son had given me. I started withdrawing from people at work and my S.A. group. The other day my B.S. and I were talking. Well she was talking and I was pitying myself and she was trying to build my spirits she mentioned the a lot of people that have done what I've done end up committing suicide, and I took it as a invitation. Worse than that I actually considered obliging.
I've been reading stories on sit for a while now, so has my b.s. we discuss the stories and send our hearts out in prayer to everyone we read about. I've been hurting the last few days real bad, been reading on S.I. all night. Started thinking again feeling for everyone's pain. For every W.S. feeling their shame and regret as if it were mine, and for every B.S. every heart break and lie suffered as if I had forced it on them. Every tear cried on both sides. Realized again for the first time I've spent so much of my life hating everyone because I hate myself, and why exactly I always hurt the ones I love the most. Its simply because they give me the most opportunity. Its that simple, I've been a taker. In my wake of destruction I've lost a lot of respect and trust from alot of good people he'll I even had some admiration in there. The worst part is I lost all that from the person I want it from the most and like and idiot child been blinding myself that I still have a chance to earn at least some of it back.
While reading last night I read a lot of things that made me tear up and I realized I don't hate any of you. I hurt for the B.S.s the W.S.s and the people that can't quite get out of the fog. I have hope for all of you because I do care. Just starting to figure out maybe I could throw some of that care my own way. Thanks I'll keep praying for everybody and keep hoping to feel like we're all in this together in a way. Sorry if I got to dramatic or sappy