I sooo wish I could give you some good advice on this. All I can give is a big me too!
I keep fighting, trying to make sex good, trying to make it exciting, but you can guarantee within 24 hours my mood hits the floor. It starts straight after and escalates for me.
For me its like this
pre sex - oh I love h, I want to be close to him, it's about us now not them, I don't want this to become and issue for us again.
during sex - this is lovely, wow I like this, I feel so close to him.....uh oh, he did this bit with her....switch of emotionally and get into the physical sensation - really enjoy it.
after sex - WTF was I thinking! He did this with her how can I let him get so close? How can I have made myself vulnerable again? how could I, she is slimmer than me. Is he faking? was it good for him? Does he really want to be with me? Was he thinking of her?
And down I go into a pit of jealousy and despair.
I don't know if it's any comfort, but you're not alone. I keep on trying and sometimes it's better.
My therapist says I shouldn't be having sex until I can do so without these feelings. I say if you leave it too long it will cause more problems. Not if it's early days though. Those first months you do what you need to do. Just get through day to day and don't push yourself before you're ready. We had HB then nothing much for a few months. At a year out, for me, it's not regular but it's not an issue that's pushed either.
We are at a middle ground right now. We cuddle lots, we kiss lots, we snuggle in bed. If something happens it happens and I worry about it later, if I am feeling bad we stick to cuddling.
Not ideal and nothing like the HB but at least we are staying close most of the time.
We are also focussing on doing stuff he didn't do with her, or altering it so it's less trigger.
Sometimes, as people on here have advised, we make it all about me. It helps me feel wanted, makes it different and H is quite happy with it. His turn will come and he knows that.
Be gentle with yourself. It's not easy. I also open up to him now, if I am facing the dreaded shame the next day he prefers to know so he can reassure me. One day he simply text me 'please don't be ashamed - I love you' before I had even said anything. It helped a lot.
[This message edited by olwen at 12:17 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]