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Getting sex back

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Breezy150 posted 3/20/2014 12:00 PM

I have committed to give R a try, WH is doing everything I ask of him. We have started to have great times together. The last few days have been really good, he has been so supportive and wonderful.

We had crazy HB after I found out. Now even though I want to have sex and it is wonderful while it is happening I am a mess afterwards. I start obsessively asking questions about OW, crying, and I have terrible self talk. We have only tried twice, the first time I just waited for him to fall asleep and cried myself to sleep obsessing about them together, this time I talked to him about what I was feeling and he was supportive. I can't help but think that it's all a waste of time, that we will be able to get our friendship back but that is all.

How did you approach sex? He says he will wait forever if he has to, but I want that intimate part of our relationship back. I don't want to just put it off if it is going to trigger me later. Can you just muscle through it and let the feelings come, and hope they lessen each time? Any advice is welcome, I know it hurts him deeply to see me like this afterwards.

veronique12 posted 3/20/2014 12:09 PM

Talking with your H about your feelings afterward is definitely the way to go. You are giving him the chance to show you that he's safe and that he cares about and loves you. Bottling it up until he falls asleep robs both of you of that potentially wonderful opportunity. I think that the more chances you give him to help you through the hard moments the easier it will get.

Breezy150 posted 3/20/2014 12:13 PM

Thank you, the first time I was just so surprised by my feelings because of HB that I couldn't even sort them out. I hope it eventually comes back though and isn't such an ordeal.

olwen posted 3/20/2014 12:15 PM

I sooo wish I could give you some good advice on this. All I can give is a big me too!

I keep fighting, trying to make sex good, trying to make it exciting, but you can guarantee within 24 hours my mood hits the floor. It starts straight after and escalates for me.

For me its like this

pre sex - oh I love h, I want to be close to him, it's about us now not them, I don't want this to become and issue for us again.

during sex - this is lovely, wow I like this, I feel so close to him.....uh oh, he did this bit with her....switch of emotionally and get into the physical sensation - really enjoy it.

after sex - WTF was I thinking! He did this with her how can I let him get so close? How can I have made myself vulnerable again? how could I, she is slimmer than me. Is he faking? was it good for him? Does he really want to be with me? Was he thinking of her?

And down I go into a pit of jealousy and despair.

I don't know if it's any comfort, but you're not alone. I keep on trying and sometimes it's better.

My therapist says I shouldn't be having sex until I can do so without these feelings. I say if you leave it too long it will cause more problems. Not if it's early days though. Those first months you do what you need to do. Just get through day to day and don't push yourself before you're ready. We had HB then nothing much for a few months. At a year out, for me, it's not regular but it's not an issue that's pushed either.

We are at a middle ground right now. We cuddle lots, we kiss lots, we snuggle in bed. If something happens it happens and I worry about it later, if I am feeling bad we stick to cuddling.

Not ideal and nothing like the HB but at least we are staying close most of the time.

We are also focussing on doing stuff he didn't do with her, or altering it so it's less trigger.

Sometimes, as people on here have advised, we make it all about me. It helps me feel wanted, makes it different and H is quite happy with it. His turn will come and he knows that.

Be gentle with yourself. It's not easy. I also open up to him now, if I am facing the dreaded shame the next day he prefers to know so he can reassure me. One day he simply text me 'please don't be ashamed - I love you' before I had even said anything. It helped a lot.

[This message edited by olwen at 12:17 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]

Breezy150 posted 3/20/2014 12:42 PM

Thank you, that does help a lot. My cycle sounds the about the same as yours. I will talk about it in IC and see what she has to say about it, but I am kind of a take charge and face it head on kind of person, so waiting doesn't make sense to me.

cvs2kkids posted 3/20/2014 12:48 PM

Hi Breezy and Olwen,

I get where you're coming from, believe me.

However, you're both only a few months out. It's not called a roller coaster ride for nothing.
It will get better and easier.

You may never forget, but if you forgive/accept, and your WS is truly committed to R, time will make the hurt less and less.

Breezy150 posted 3/20/2014 12:55 PM

Thank you, that is exactly what I hope for. My IC keeps saying how amazed she is at how far in the process I am so I told her about SI. I dove straight into an obsessive search for knowledge and it really has helped. She says I am lucky because I have incredible coping skills already.

The roller coaster still throws me for a loop though, my emotions weren't this crazy after the murder and attempted murder I had to deal with. Lol.

veronique12 posted 3/20/2014 12:55 PM

Yeah I am more of the muscle through it type too. And that's what I do when I feel those bad thoughts trying to break in. However, I usually don't have feelings of shame afterward. Those are definitely something to discuss in IC or MC.

Not sure if this is part of the shame or unease you are feeling afterward, but I know a lot of us feel upset with ourselves for "rewarding" our WS's with sex after they lied to us about having it with someone else. I remember 3 weeks after D-Day standing in a Victoria's Secret dressing room in a slinky lacy thing thinking "What the hell am I doing? He cheats and I run out and get lingerie? How pathetic of me." But I think that another way to look at it is that it's ok to want to be close to your WS, provided s/he is giving you the emotional support you need. It's ok to meet your needs too.

Again, not sure if this is part of your feelings of shame. Just rambling, I suppose.

Breezy150 posted 3/20/2014 12:59 PM

I don't feel shame afterwards now, I did during HB, couldn't wrap my head around that while it was happening. I do feel vulnerable and angry and sad afterwards now, I can't really explain it. I think it is a trigger and that is all.

swank posted 3/20/2014 13:08 PM

Something I read recently said "You can't be close to someone you don't touch." I think it's true. I found out about my bf's infidelities six months ago. At first I couldn't touch him at all without getting hysterical. Now we've had some good "sexy time," as we call it. I sometimes get sad after, or have "bad thoughts" during, but I try to remember that these are thoughts, not realities, that I can't change the past, and that if I want to make this relationship work I have to focus on the relationship, not on what's over and done. It can help some - it's like training your mind to stay away from painful topics. It's not easy and it's a long process, but don't give up.

olwen posted 3/20/2014 13:11 PM

veronique12 - that's where most of my shame comes from! Where is my dignity, where is my self respect? He cheats and suddenly here I am fighting triggers to be with him after he has been elsewhere.

It's not the only reason though, the rest comes from my upbringing and abuse. Sometimes it's so bad, my self hatred, that after I think omg who do I think I am! Sex isn't for people like me, it's for the slim, young, sexy people. What am I playing at, I am not sexy. He can't possibly want me after being with her.

So for me, it's either why I am letting him have sex with me? or, Who the hell do i think i am to think he would even want to!

Screwed up I know. I have a lot of work to do.

I don't want to thread jump. Just wanted to say I understand the feelings. I guess my feelings are a bit off though...

veronique12 posted 3/20/2014 13:14 PM

it's like training your mind to stay away from painful topics

Yes. I feel like my entire day is this.

deena04 posted 3/20/2014 14:03 PM

Same here...we will get through it. I just wanted to let you know you're not alone.

bionicgal posted 3/20/2014 14:29 PM

Oh, veronique!

I remember 3 weeks after D-Day standing in a Victoria's Secret dressing room in a slinky lacy thing thinking "What the hell am I doing? He cheats and I run out and get lingerie? How pathetic of me." But I think that another way to look at it is that it's ok to want to be close to your WS, provided s/he is giving you the emotional support you need. It's ok to meet your needs too.

Me too! The timeline was very slightly different -- and I had the worst fear that OBS or AP would see me with the tell-tale bag, and think I was the worst chump ever!

But, the truth is, the A totally blew apart some unhealthy sex dynamics that we had had for years, and I knew more than I ever had, that being intimate was for me first, then us, then him. It was kind of freeing.

So for the last 9 months, sex has been a sanctuary, a respite, and sometimes a source of pain for me. I see it as a reflection of what is going on in the rest of the relationship. I read in "Hold Me Tight" that in about 20% of sexual encounters in a marriage, one or the other person deem it not successful, so expecting it to be stellar all the time is setting yourself up for issues, in any couple.

WIth mind movies, etc. I muscle through if I can -- they usually pass if I don't pay attention to them. They tend to rise and fall, but the intensity of them over time is definitely lessening. It used to be like the herd of elephants in the room, and now it is more like a pesky fly. Well, maybe a dozen pesky flies.

I am not sure there is a way to do it wrong if you are listening to your inner voice, and your goal is to be close and loving. I just tell myself 'this is MY time, with MY husband, and I won't let it be ruined."

Peace to all of us struggling with this.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 2:33 PM, March 20th (Thursday)]

Breezy150 posted 3/20/2014 14:46 PM

Thank you all for your responses, they make me feel so much better.

I talked to WH again after getting some responses and he was eager to help me in any way. He came to the conclusion that if I wanted to have some sexy time, at least for now it needs to be in the evening so he can be with me through all of the fall out. We are usually morning people, but he felt terrible having to leave me in such a state.

Since he has really found remorse sometimes I don't even know who he is. Lol.

This ride still sucks, and I hate that he put me on it, but at least now he surprises me in good and supportive ways.

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