5 months out and the pain doesn't feel any better to me. Not even a little. He is doing everything right (NC, MC/IC, remorseful, transparent, etc.) but I don't feel any better. I often feel adrift in a sea of pain and sadness with no land in sight. He was such a consumate actor during the A that I can't help but wonder if all the "right" that he is doing now is just an act?
I wake up in the morning thinking everything is normal only to be punched in the gut realizing that very little is normal because my foundation has been removed.
I feel so very, very lonely.
We're here for you. It sounds like your WH is doing right by you - but it's not going to feel right for a long time. Just take each day in small bites.
I can say, I am in a better place now...not perfect by any means, but better. I fully believe the rate of healing is directly tied the behavior of the WS. Sounds like your WH is doing everything that indicates remorse and commitment but since he has proven he is a great liar, you can't believe it.
For me, I snooped and checked and played detective until I was exhausted. Finally had to realize that after months of him doing everything I needed and asked for, I had to at least trust him (and my decision)enough to take a leap of faith...that's what we did when we initially gave them our hearts (of course, we didn't have any reason not to trust them, then). It is the only way I was going to have a chance to get what I want, a happy, healthy marriage.
I know R isn't the same for everyone, or a straight line, but read my post under the General forum titled "6 months from DDay" and maybe you will have a little more hope.
Prayers for you
Why Repentance Is Necessary? Because Undeserved Mercy Empowers Entitlement/Sin
I was the reality he was trying to escape.
I'm learning that when I am stuck or feeling flat or low, I have to challenge my thinking and consider another perspective. Usually when I do, I find that what I was originally thinking is actually false. I wonder what insights your H has given you that might just challenge this perspective -- or has he not given you any insight?
If he was escaping from you, why is he trying to R with you now?
My experience was, I think, a constant, rapid, accelerating roller coaster ride down for 6 months, followed by a slow cyclical 3 steps forward, 2 steps back for 1 year, and then 2 steps forward and 1 step back for a year. The last 9 months have been a lot better - 4 or 5 steps forward for every step back. (Of course, my memory could be mistaken.)
So 5 months out was almost my worst time. I have total confidence that you will feel better; I just don't know when it will happen for you. But it will happen.
My wake up experience sounds pretty similar to yours - waking up feeling great for the instant before I realize my W betrayed me.
3+ years out, I wake up thinking, 'Why the HELL is it still winter!' And then I reach for my W.
Your life really will get better.