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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Feeling very low
flayed
♀ 41875
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The OW was the/his fantasy. I was the reality he was trying to escape. For over 2 years!

5 months out and the pain doesn't feel any better to me. Not even a little. He is doing everything right (NC, MC/IC, remorseful, transparent, etc.) but I don't feel any better. I often feel adrift in a sea of pain and sadness with no land in sight. He was such a consumate actor during the A that I can't help but wonder if all the "right" that he is doing now is just an act?

I wake up in the morning thinking everything is normal only to be punched in the gut realizing that very little is normal because my foundation has been removed.

I feel so very, very lonely.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
callmecrazy
♀ 38765
Member # 38765
Default  Posted: 12:32 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I have no good advice, but you are not alone in this. (((flayed)))

Posts: 279 | Registered: Mar 2013
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 12:41 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry, flayed. Truth be told, 5 - 14 months was when I felt my worst. I can totally relate to waking up with that gut-punched feeling. All I can say is take care of yourself as best you can while you're treading through all of this emotion.

We're here for you. It sounds like your WH is doing right by you - but it's not going to feel right for a long time. Just take each day in small bites.

(((flayed)))


"If the path you walk leads back to yourself, you'll never get anywhere." - Master Oogway

Posts: 18350 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
Shayna71
♀ 42105
Member # 42105
Default  Posted: 12:50 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wow, I know exactly where you are coming from. I could have written this post not too long ago. The thought of believing him is like pulling the knife out of your heart and handing it back to him, trusting he won't plunge it in again...at least that's what is was for me.

I can say, I am in a better place now...not perfect by any means, but better. I fully believe the rate of healing is directly tied the behavior of the WS. Sounds like your WH is doing everything that indicates remorse and commitment but since he has proven he is a great liar, you can't believe it.

For me, I snooped and checked and played detective until I was exhausted. Finally had to realize that after months of him doing everything I needed and asked for, I had to at least trust him (and my decision)enough to take a leap of faith...that's what we did when we initially gave them our hearts (of course, we didn't have any reason not to trust them, then). It is the only way I was going to have a chance to get what I want, a happy, healthy marriage.

I know R isn't the same for everyone, or a straight line, but read my post under the General forum titled "6 months from DDay" and maybe you will have a little more hope.

Prayers for you


Me: BW 46
Him: WH 42
3 month EA and PA w/a mutual friend
DDay 09/20/2013
Married over 20 years
DS 26, DS, 19 DD, 18
Currently in R

Posts: 130 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: Indiana
Kyrie
♀ 41825
Member # 41825
Default  Posted: 2:45 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

flayed, do you really believe this statement?
I was the reality he was trying to escape.

Was he really trying to escape from you? Weren't there other things he was avoiding/escaping? Aren't you simply one part of a much bigger reality that he was trying to avoid?

I'm learning that when I am stuck or feeling flat or low, I have to challenge my thinking and consider another perspective. Usually when I do, I find that what I was originally thinking is actually false. I wonder what insights your H has given you that might just challenge this perspective -- or has he not given you any insight?

If he was escaping from you, why is he trying to R with you now?



Me: BW (47), WH (48)
Married 24 yrs, 2 teenagers
DD#1 01.20.12 When diagnosed w/STD
Told it was 15 mo. PA that ended 6 years ago
DD#2 04.06.14 Truth: PA was 2yrs/8mo
Separated for 6 weeks
Reconciling and healing now

Posts: 230 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: southeast USA
Teach8
♀ 36521
Member # 36521
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Flayed...I so know how you feel. 7 years of escaping reality for my wh. And now that I'm almost 2 years out, I am finally starting to get my feet under me again. Honestly, I do believe my H was escaping reality...adulthood, responsibility, maturity. I remind myself that he is freaking lucky to have me. And your H is lucky to have you. It isn't you he was escaping. Please believe that. And it will get better if your H is doing all the things you have asked of him. I know that is hard to believe, but it will. I still trigger, still have difficult times but it is so much better than at 5 months. It might even get worse in some ways before it gets better, but you can get through it...if you really want to R. Hang in there.


Me: BW. Him: WH. Dday: 4/26/12. TT until 8/15/12 LTA 7 years. Trying to R

Posts: 509 | Registered: Aug 2012
sisoon
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 4:43 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I expect your H was trying to escape the reality of his own pain. Given that he seems committed to R, you probably made reality bearable until his pain grew too great. His A was about him, not you. You're collateral damage - my bet is that he really didn't want to hurt you.

My experience was, I think, a constant, rapid, accelerating roller coaster ride down for 6 months, followed by a slow cyclical 3 steps forward, 2 steps back for 1 year, and then 2 steps forward and 1 step back for a year. The last 9 months have been a lot better - 4 or 5 steps forward for every step back. (Of course, my memory could be mistaken.)

So 5 months out was almost my worst time. I have total confidence that you will feel better; I just don't know when it will happen for you. But it will happen.

My wake up experience sounds pretty similar to yours - waking up feeling great for the instant before I realize my W betrayed me.

3+ years out, I wake up thinking, 'Why the HELL is it still winter!' And then I reach for my W.

Your life really will get better.


fBH (me) - 70 (22 in my head), fWW (plainsong) - 65+, Married 45+, together since 1965
DDay - 12/2010
Recovered, not yet fully R'ed
I share my own experience because it's the only experience I know, not because I'm a good model.

Posts: 10581 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Chicago area
flayed
♀ 41875
Member # 41875
Default  Posted: 5:21 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you everyone. I talked about this with my husband and he said that he was not trying to escape me and that he always loved me and wanted to be with me. It just doesn't feel that way.
He says he will never leave me unless I ask him to go. I very much want us to reconcile but some days I don't feel strong enough for the task.


BS(Me)-39
WH-39
Married 13 yrs, Together 19 yrs
4 kids under 8
2 yr LTA
DDay- Oct.29, 2013

Posts: 88 | Registered: Jan 2014
Topic Posts: 8

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