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When a child and Stbx both meltdown

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kg201 posted 3/20/2014 21:52 PM

I had to be at an event at work this evening for a couple of hours, so STBX was with the kids this evening, on my night. I got two phone calls during the event from my daughter saying how angry she was at STBX.

Now, my daughter is a difficult child...lots of PTSD, and other issues stemming from neglectful and abusive birth parents. The phone call was partly a way to try to calm herself and partly a way to use me to get back at STBX for telling her what to do. It worked and STBX was in full flip out mode. Now, other than the affair thing, my STBX is a good mother to them, and I expect my kids to treat her respectfully.

But tonight I got on the phone with STBX and had to talk her down, and explained how i would speak to my daughter about her behavior. It was the right thing to do. My STBX was distraught, and ultimately my daughter would suffer, if I hadn't. It was the right thing to do, but It was hard being supportive to STBX. At least she thanked me...that's something I guess.

Not looking for feedback as I know I handled this mess the right way. Just letting off some steam, because it was hard. This relationship between the both of them will continue to be difficult, partly because of the typical mother-daughter issues of preteens, partly because of my daughter's many challenges, and partly because of what has happened since dday. One day at a time. Thanks for reading.

SBB posted 3/20/2014 22:40 PM

There are things that we do for our children that appear to benefit the X.

I did similar things in the early days of S but then I realised he had worked out a new way to press my buttons. He could manipulate me this way. I thought I was helping my girls but his behaviour escalated (thereby actually hurting them) until I removed myself completely and just supported my girls as best I could.

STBX is the adult. SHE needs to manage her relationship with her daughter, special needs or not. Its not your job anymore.

If she can't handle her then you may need to revisit the custody arrangements.

You did a good and decent thing - I'm not disputing that. I would just be wary of getting involved. You are not her KISA nor her saviour and I doubt you will be able to protect your DD from her. You could damage your own relationship with your DD if you try.

You know your own situation better than anyone - just another perspective here. I don't want you to miss the forest for the trees.

Gemini71 posted 3/20/2014 22:42 PM

You have been heard.

So glad your DD has you to turn to and to set a good example. Your respectful treatment of your STBX in this difficult situation will speak volumes to DD about how to treat other people.

StillLivin posted 3/23/2014 23:33 PM

(((kg201)))

Kajem posted 3/23/2014 23:44 PM

What I see are two parents working thru a situation the best way they know how -for the good of their DD.

Eventually the dynamic of this drama will change. Hopefully it changes as your DD matures, and she leads the changes.

I see nothing wrong with putting a united front forward to the kids! I think the kids win when that happens.

You've done good!

K

stronger08 posted 3/24/2014 01:21 AM

Someone needs to show the kids how to behave. Your standing up for the STBXWW was not for the sake of her, it was for the sake of your DD. Kids needs to be taught right from wrong. Kuddos to you for doing what was needed. I have on multiple occasions chastised my son for being disrespectful to his mother. Not because I felt sorry for the XWW, but because I insist that he behave accordingly. Children need direction and discipline just as much as they need love. Being their pal or a Disney parent only creates rotten kids. She will thank you for this when she grows up.

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