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Newest Member: danisisu7 (61142)

User Topic: D in CA Question
♀ 41599
Member # 41599
Question  Posted: 11:00 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello fellow Californians.

My L says there is no advantage to filing first in CA. But I see so many people here posting to do it first. Maybe that's important in other states but is there any advantage here? I don't really care about the whole "I'm dumping you, you pathetic cheater!" thing. I have a lot more to lose financially and I'm more concerned with that now at this point. We have no children.

Me: BS 40's
Him: WS 40's

Posts: 30 | Registered: Dec 2013
♂ 41294
Member # 41294
Default  Posted: 11:49 PM, March 20th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My L said the same thing. WW filed first (I told her the day I'd file, stupid me).

The idea is that whoever is the petitioner gets to speak first if it goes to trial. However, it doesn't actually matter, if your Ls work together so it never gets to trial in the first place.

The cheater will not want it to go to trial. That's the case with WW. They are being very reasonable and we are too, so it's going smoothly. We have kids and we agreed on 50/50, they have essentially agreed to everything I've pushed back on (and my L has been reasonable as well).

Look at my recent posts to see how my court went and whatnot.

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 11:49 PM, March 20th, 2014 (Thursday)]

Master of my Fate, Captain of my Soul.
XBH and healing. D final March 2016
Her: Doesn't matter anymore.
DS13 Severe SN. DD11 Awesome

Posts: 1012 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: California
♂ 42777
Member # 42777
Default  Posted: 12:40 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So they go first and you counter. It's a game, they will lie you biting in the truth.

Posts: 234 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 42691
Member # 42691
Default  Posted: 5:50 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I was told it didn't matter who filed first, as well. (Unless there was violence, you needed temp. support orders, or someone disposing of marital property & you needed it stopped)

Unremorseful WH-48
M 26+ years
DS 26, DD 23
H moved out 10/3/12
IN House S, H lost job 2/7/14→now
Dday 1- 3/2002 short EA/PA w-COW
Dday 2- 2/12/14→LTA, H STILL seeing "Bi"MfCOW (OW now S too)!

Posts: 121 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: CA
♀ 14759
Member # 14759
Default  Posted: 11:21 AM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In my case, my STBXWH is "too busy" with his own law practice (which is far removed from family law) to be bothered with doing all the paperwork. By maintaining a very nice, cordial attitude with him, I've lulled him into thinking that I will be very fair and not try to take advantage of anything.

When you file first, you have the opportunity to say what you want first. You get to claim what is your separate property and what is community property. You have the opportunity to request that STBX pay atty fees and court costs. You can also ask that the court not allow him to request spousal support.

He, as the respondent, has 30 days to respond if he disagrees with any of this. If he doesn't, it leads to default, which means he is not contesting what I'm asking for.

Because my "very busy" STBXWH is too busy to read any of the divorce papers served him and is so trusting of me (which he SHOULD be since I've been a loyal, giving, fair, good wife for 25 years), he will be going along with pretty much everything I've asked for.

I've been the one driving the divorce bus. He doesn't even plan on hiring a divorce lawyer until the marriage settlement agreement is filed. Then all hell may break loose, but we'll see. His income outweighs mine by a huge amount, so he knows he's paying, but I've been very careful in trying to manipulate things in my favor by being sweet and nice.

In your case, since you have more to lose financially, you may want to file first to state your requests first and possible have a STBX like mine who doesn't read the fine print. OR if you WH files first, make sure you read and respond within that 30 days.

[This message edited by one2ndchance at 11:23 AM, March 21st (Friday)]

Married 26 years
DDay #1 2/2002
DDay #2 6/2012
Gave him his second chance and he blew it.
Divorce final: 9/9/2014

It's hard to see the road ahead if you're always looking in the rear view mirror.

Posts: 714 | Registered: May 2007 | From: California
♀ 18522
Member # 18522
Default  Posted: 12:21 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think there is a real practical advantage in doing the filing, but there is a certain feeling of having the advantage when you take the bull by the horns and file.

In 2010 I divorced the NPD assclown who cheated on me with my best friend.

Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson

Posts: 8023 | Registered: Mar 2008 | From: SoCal
♂ 32258
Member # 32258
Default  Posted: 2:16 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I filed first and I am glad I did. STBXWW's version of why we broke up is "we grew apart" and she left me. She moved out to build her own house. Mine is the truth which is I filed for divorce because of her A's. Yes she moved out so we could begin S and the the 1 year waiting period before the D can be finalized but it was because I filed for Divorce. No matter what story she tells I was the one that filed. I officially left her. Me filing first had no impact on the process or who got what in my case. In the big picture it doesn't mean much but to ME it meant everything.

ETA: I don't live in CA but i'm still glad I filed first.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 2:23 PM, March 21st (Friday)]

D-day 5/24/11
BH = Me
2 children
The first true sense of calm I felt in YEARS was when I filed for D...
Divorced 9/2/14 and loving life!

Posts: 2201 | Registered: May 2011 | From: VA
Topic Posts: 7

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