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Faithful w/Love posted 3/21/2014 08:38 AM

they detach quickly, which is the norm for a cheatin ass! Anyways, I was thinking.

So they detach, okay, but the behavior towards us is something else. I mean, I am not attached to a lot of people but I don't treat them as if they are not worthy of being a human being. The silent treatment, the acting like we are worth nothing, we are some sort of person that attacked THEM! The way they ignore us or beat us up verbally or in silent, or the actions of there behavior. I just don't get this at all.

I mean lastnight, I felt bad because he was silent with me and I went about my business, son and I were watching the basketball games and looking at our brackets and wh grabbed his and looked at us and went to his room. I ACTUALLY FELT BAD like he may be feeling like HE was the one that was not wanted for once! Why do I give a shit what he may feel? It is because I know how it feel to be not wanted and left out ALL the fucking time and it hurts! But he brought this on himself and now we don't even talk.

I do my workout, stay to myself, do what I want to do and ignore his ass just like he does mine. I love how they pout or poor me but they treat us like the we are the ones that did them wrong and treated them wrong. Unbelievable. Honestly!!!!

Chrysalis123 posted 3/21/2014 09:05 AM

This behavior is so common around here, isn't it. It is just baffling. I am 5.5 years past divorce and the hatred aimed toward me is at an all time high. He completely vilifies me, and in his mind I am evil incarnate. He especially attacks my parenting.

We are in the middle of settling motions he filed in court, so it is worse because I am having to have contact with him and his lawyer. Him email only, but I am getting the hateful treatment through his lawyer too.

[This message edited by Chrysalis123 at 9:59 AM, March 21st (Friday)]

Faithful w/Love posted 3/21/2014 09:13 AM

Chrysalis123,
Yes, it is unbelievable. So your Xwh is doing this but your at fault somehow in his mind so he feels he needs to be a evil ass to you!!!

I wonder what the hell goes thru their minds about us? I really want to know how a person literally destroys another persons life and their own family, treats them like scum of the earth as if we are the ones that had an affair, that we berate them, tell them the most hurtful stuff, put them on a roller coaster, do the push pull, hoovering, back to the evil vile shit!

I really feel these types of people have some phys-co shit going on. I mean I could NEVER in my life treat someone so horrid and expect them to be nice to me.

suckstobeme posted 3/21/2014 09:45 AM

Yep. I think about this a lot too. My ex barely acknowledges me. He actually acts like I don't exist most times. Now, I return the favor the majority of the time, but it sort of blows my mind that, unlike me, he really has no reason to treat me like furniture.

I don't expect him to kiss my ass, but I also never expected that he would avoid me like the plague either. I never expected that he would be so disrespectful to the mother of his own kids.

I think, in my case, the reason is three fold. First, based on all sorts of evidence and actions that I won't bore you with in this post, it seems like he is filled with guilt and shame. Certainly, there has never been remorse. But, he is ashamed of himself and probably always will be for the way he handled this whole thing. The multitude of lies, stealing money, acting like a fool with his own secretary. It's all just so gross and since his whole life was built on being the "nice guy", I think this entire thing has put a major monkey wrench into his life plan. I'm pretty sure he would have been content to stay with us and have his piece on the side. But, it blew up in his face. She was a single OW with a big mouth. He got caught and had to run. He's ashamed and should be. I certainly wouldn't want to face me either if I was in his shoes.

Second, I think a part of him is pissed off that I didn't chase after him. I chased him enough after the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech because I wasn't yet aware of what was driving that bullshit to come out of his mouth. I chased after my husband and tried my hardest to save us before I knew there was another party waiting in the wings. The minute I found out, I told him he was dead to me. I've slipped off the NC wagon a few times, but I essentially turned my back once their A was exposed. I have never let him see the pain I've experienced over this and never will. I won't give him that satisfaction. I think part of him never saw it going down that way. I think part of him wanted me to remain desperate and to fight with her over him. He never expected me to take my ball, go home, and leave him to have her. I think in some sick way, that was a big blow to his ego.

Finally, I think OW has him on a short leash and never wants him to communicate with me over and above the bare minimum. She doesn't want him around me because I think she's very afraid he will actually see me and remember me. Aside from his horrible behavior toward the end, we had a long, good history of love and friendship and we share children together. Banging in a back office or getting sloppy drunk on a work night is all they have. She's threatened by me and by what I represent in his life. She would love nothing more than to help him erase me forever.

If none of these things were true, I think he would love to flaunt his new life in my face and to try his best to get us to be "friends" for the sake of the kids. He knows he's no longer welcome in my world and that makes him ashamed and pissed off like a teenager who will throw a tantrum and stand his ground just to show me.

Whatever. I hope they both drop off the face of the earth.

hummingbird8 posted 3/21/2014 09:45 AM

My new husband has shown me emails etc from when he divorced his ex. In some of them she makes these same kind of statements. He divorced her and she wouldn't leave him alone. She would email, call, text all hours day or night. Try to manipulate, play nice, then be hateful if that didn't work. He just wanted her to go away and him be able to parent his son. He wasn't angry with her, he didn't hate her, he just didn't want her around.

Sometimes I think people don't understand divorce. It means they no longer want to be around someone. So the more someone makes up dumb excuses to make contact, or whatever, the more frustrated they get.

Softcentre posted 3/21/2014 09:47 AM

I don't find it that baffling.

They have had to work up a pile of resentment (real or imagined) to justify to themselves why they 'had to' have their A We've become their scapegoat for everything that is 'wrong' in their lives. Even once we're gone.

If they had to ability to stop blameshifting, most of us wouldn't be in this mess. They need us to be the 'bad guy'. They have not truly moved on until they stop this.

Faithful w/Love posted 3/21/2014 10:03 AM

Hummingbird,
Did your new h exw have an affair? I use to do that, what she did but my wh was cake eating and I was trying to win .

Right now my wh is doing the NC and 180 on me, which I find funny because I have not done anything to him but call him out of somethings that he didn't like to hear and thought I was mean.

What happened was this... Monday I asked him about OW because my gut was screaming, xOW is looking at my kids twitter pages, and she accidentally favored a twit of DD. Anyways, I told him about it and said "do not contact her about this" I thought it was funny a grown ass woman would stalk and fish on my kids accounts. Anyway, my gut was right, he told me he contact her regarding it, I was pissed, and when I ask "why is she looking at our kids stuff", he told me "don't worry about it she will not be doing it again" Hell fucking NO this is my kids stuff but I am not allowed to know. Then he said that was the only contact for a long time... BULLSHIT!

So Monday I was looking at the nightlife in the paper and he asked " Are you going out this weekend"? I said "IDK, Are you? Oh wait that is a given I don't know why I just asked". He thought I was rude and my DS was sitting there and said " Dis, she just called you out and its true". So he is mad and will not talk to me.

I didn't mean for it to come out and not in front of son but it slipped because wh is always going out on Fridays and Saturdays sense I moved back home.

It does not bother me that I am getting the silent treatment it just speaks volumes to me and his cake eating ass.

I am just venting today again about how they treat us!

nowiknow23 posted 3/21/2014 10:16 AM

It's natural to assume that what we would think or feel is similar to what others think or feel, but someone with a PD doesn't have the same wiring. If you are dealing with a disordered personality (as I was), you will go crazy if you attribute "normal" emotions, reactions, motivations, etc. to them.

Reading on outofthefog.net helped me tremendously with this.

Faithful w/Love posted 3/21/2014 10:33 AM

I have read that also Nik, And I understand what you are stating it just really rubs me the wrong way that they are is all.

Nature_Girl posted 3/21/2014 11:07 AM

I know what you're saying.

It wasn't until I read about PD's, and specifically NPD, that the horrible way he behaved & treated me made any sense. That doesn't lessen the pain, but at least I understand what's wrong with him. At least I understand that it's him, not me, who has the problem.

I just never knew there were people like this. I never realized how I could be so utterly fooled. I never realized that someone could take the best parts of me and use them against me. I just didn't know. The sudden rush of realizations is painful.

GotPlayed posted 3/21/2014 11:22 AM

I just never knew there were people like this.

And I never knew one of them could be someone with whom I spent 17 great years. Seemingly overnight. She had been harboring resentment for so long from even before she met me she exploded in a meltdown of BPD/NPD and self-destruction.

@Faithful w/Love - they detach quickly because they're on a different timeline than we are. They started detaching before the A even started. That's how they were able to start the A in the first place. Because a person who's attached won't leave their significant other. In a sense they're already been detached. We're just starting. They are playing with our feelings, but they don't even realize it because they're not thinking of our feelings, they're thinking of what they can obtain from our behavior.

Start growing on your own. 180 works well. It's very hard with kids. My kids are still young so there has to be constant communication. And it's heartbreaking. And the totally makes me out to be the bad guy, at least that's how she behaves.

((@Faithful w/Love))

Faithful w/Love posted 3/21/2014 12:06 PM

Thanks GotPlayed,
I have been 180ing him for the most part and it really does not bother me that much. It is just the fact of who he is.

It took me along time to understand that he detached before the A because he was always so lovey dovey and all over me all the time. But, then he met assface and all bets were over for us.

I was just wanting to know if other wonder the same as me.

I say screw him, I sleep good in my own bed and I love who I am, sometimes sad and the pain can get me but I bounce back. I know that one day WAAAAYYY down the road I will make someone a lucky man because I love being a wife and growing old with someone and sharing my life with them.

hummingbird8 posted 3/21/2014 14:15 PM

Faithful, there was no infidelity in their marriage. They had issues and he divorced her. She was much more interested in him once he filed for divorce then she ever was when they were married.

neverdidithink posted 3/21/2014 14:41 PM

It wasn't until I read about PD's, and specifically NPD, that the horrible way he behaved & treated me made any sense. That doesn't lessen the pain, but at least I understand what's wrong with him. At least I understand that it's him, not me, who has the problem.

^^^^THIS is where my tagline comes from!