Yeah, I haven't magically transformed into something I've always WANTED to be, just back to what I was. I don't have a lot of goals for being, I am what I am. Except for the decade or dozen or so years I wasn't.
At what freaking point did I decide appeasing this man, taking care of this man, or worrying about what this man thought was so important I gave up me?
The more I get back to "me" the more I realize how much of me was buried...and how much I used to like me. And how much I really don't now!
Yesterday my son started talking about wanting to be a dad. As he shared his details of his "dreams" I remembered being around his age thinking I would NEVER marry but I'd have 2 kids - a boy and a girl - Christopher and Cassandra
I married, I got one boy, and then began the process of living H's life, not mine; killing myself to provide for him while he did nothing for anybody....
OMG I'm so stupid!
But I forgive the Me-of-my-30s (thats what I'm calling it, my delusional years). Now the Me-of-my-40s is getting my girl baby (SO not going with those names from 1980s LOL) and getting my not-married life and MYSELF back.
I see potential everywhere so I don't have to kiss-a$$ for a job.
I care about how I feel and how I look and want to make an effort to like ME again and can say "f it all" and MAKE the time or spend the $ as *I* want not what HE wants.
I have no time for pita people and have no problem walking away, not even bothering to go through that whole "I should, but I have the power to say no, to actually saying no and feeling like I should give reasons" - now I just internally wonder at how much how MANY people expected of me and how easy it is to just not even join the conversation let alone have to go through the whole "should I or say no" thing.
I am back to my freedom from stuff. When I can make it happen I'm walking away from a 3 bedroom HOUSE of STUFF. I will be taking about 1 room full of stuff.
I bought the car H wanted. Now I'm car shopping all by myself and getting the car *I* want.
I feel free to pursue whatever, wherever, whenever - I don't have to consult anyone about where I look for a new job, where I consider moving to, when I do what or anything else. I do try and include my son just so he feels some power in his unstable little world right now but he's pretty laid back.
All the options, all the freedom, and all the possibilities are a bit overwhelming. Its almost hard to pick, choose, decide. I feel like I did when I was nearing the end of my Bachelors degree right as I was meeting H.
These sort of epiphanies usually happen when I am finally away from home (we're still in house - both looking for our own places). I love vegging at my brother's place every other weekend. Me and my son and niece shop - can I tell you how long its been since I went to a mall and bought something - for ME?! And the kids are like little cheerleaders and conspirators so then I have to pay them off with some shopping for them or a trip to the Target snack bar.
Today I took the time to try on and buy (clearance woot!) nursing cami's and tanks. Why? Because I read they are comfy and convenient and I wanted them. Before there would be no money for such things and I'd make due with what I had until it fell apart so H could buy whatever he wanted without working for it.
I even made an appt for a major dental consultation for all the years H got his mouth taken care of and I didn't - I'm going to get my smile back and when I do I want it to be pretty like it was 12 years ago. And I have the $ to do it because I'm not buying the best and newest in all the gear H ever put on his buy-list.
While H is online flirting and making a gross spectacle of himself on social media and living a fantasy life like I almost wanted to/wished for, I'm meeting nice people IRL and chatting. Can I tell you I've not met one person that wasn't attached to either work, H, or my son's activities in 12 years. In the last 22 days I've met someone to walk with at lunch, I've made a new friend that likes to craft some things I wish I had time to make, and I've made a new friend who makes jewelry and I make her web stuff. None of these people have anything to do with H or ds. Its freaking amazing. Its like I just quit looking down at the ground while running around or quit mentally working on a never-ending to do list from H and Looked UP and voila - people!
I'm blabbing because its late and I'm not tired mentally but my big, pregnant self is aching head to toe and can't move any more today....
Whereas before H's attitude that life was pointless for all the obstacles. And I now feel that despair that I caught from him lifting...when a job lead doesn't pan out, ok, not for me then, next! No more moping and negative thinking that something great is NEVER going to happen but instead feeling like just where I am now is great and there is always potential out there.
Whereas before H made a checklist out of things to own, things to do, and mapped out the life we were supposed to live and set us up for so many disappointments because I could never work enough, make enough $, ever to catch up on his dreams that he didn't want to work for - now I am back to just looking around, appreciating, trying to recognize opportunity and flow that direction but allowing for chance and change and liking it because there is NO checklist.
H's BUSY-ness that I adopted is gone. I have 2 jobs, grad school, and kid stuff while pregnant but now it seems I have all the time in the world to put my feet up, or take time to chat with ds, or take time to pamper myself a little, or stop and enjoy something outside. Just on whims here and there - doesn't have to be planned. Even though life is busy, I don't have to be busy like H HAS to. Its like a fake busy - running around crazy but never accomplishing anything and never enjoying anything.
I want a cookie - I have a cookie. I don't have to worry about the dirty looks, the comments, or any of that from the man who can eat ANYthing and still be perfectly sculpted. I'm not. But I enjoyed my cookie :)
I don't have to sit around and wait and be told to hurry up and be ready and wind up waiting. I just go as *I* flow. And you know what - so does everyone I'm going with. Its as if EVERYONE relaxed after I filed the D papers, not just me.
On this side of the D filing - without any major hitches yet (c'mon and come peacefully June 1st) - I can envision peaceful days including things I WANT to do not have to do.
Then I smile and give thanks that I am the kind of ME now that CAN put one foot in front of the other and make this life happen because I'm pretty sure H isn't and I don't want to be there anymore.