I think a remorseful WS feels immense pain, generally worse by far than the BS does.
The BS just has to deal with the pain of being betrayed. The WS has to deal with the guilt and shame of betraying a person s/he loves, AND to be a decent partner in the future, s/he has to deal with the pain s/he tried to avoid with her/his cheating.
So - it's worse, but it's probably a lot different from the BS's pain, which makes sense, because the source of the pain is different.
You can heal no matter what your WS does - but that could require D or S. If you want to R without rugsweeping, though, your WS must process and release her/his pain and change from cheater to good partner.
My point is this: to heal, focus on yourself and ignore your WS, unless s/he shows again and again that s/he's a good candidate for R.