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Threatening Custody. help.

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MichelleRenee posted 3/21/2014 12:18 PM

On the advice of my lawyer I refused my stbx's request of helping him save our home that I awarded him in the divorce. He immediately told me that he's not "playing nice" anymore and that he's taking me back to court for more custody. He says that now that he's not working that we can do 50/50 (right now it's 70/30. Currently he gets 3 weekends/month & every weekend in the summer. Plus 2 vacation weeks a year and every other holiday. We currently live 1 hour apart. I am sick to my stomach & terrified. I cannot lose out on more time with my son. He's only 9. My son also does not want more time away from me. What do you think will happen? Our judge, btw, was very "Father Friendly" which scares the crud out of me.

sparkysable posted 3/21/2014 12:27 PM

Mine did the same thing. And the first time it happened, I was terrified. I was bawling on the phone with my mother, afraid that he was going to take her from me.

I can't remember what he was mad about, but it was something where he didn't get his way, and he threatened that he wanted her 50/50 physical custody. I think he asked for her for an overnight, and he doesn't get overnights according to our decree.

Luckily for me, and I hope you do this too, but I kept track of every single time he had visitation with my daughter. It showed that he takes her less than he is entitled to. And by less than he's entitled to, I mean average of 1 visit per month.

After speaking with my lawyer, she said that no judge would ever remove custody from a mother and give 50/50 to a father that didn't even use the visitation he was entitled to.

So I waited him out. The court appearance letter never arrived in the mail. I never heard another word about it.

Can you imagine how this conversation would go?

Judge: Mr. Dumbass, why do you think that you should get more custody?

Mr. Dumbass: Well, MichelleRenee would not help me save my home that she awarded me in the divorce.

Judge: Pardon me?

Mr. Dumbass: Yes. And since she would not give me money towards an asset that is not even hers anymore, I want 50/50 custody.

I mean seriously!!

nowiknow23 posted 3/21/2014 12:34 PM

Based on the stories I've read over the years, courts aren't likely to change a custody arrangement that's been in place and working well unless there is some compelling reason. Him being unemployed is not a compelling reason.

There are compelling reasons to keep it as is, however. The current schedule has been working. And your genius STBX is the one who asked for the current arrangement anyway.

It just isn't logical. I think he's making a knee-jerk, vindictive threat. He knows what you value most, and since you didn't bow to his wishes, he's trying to scare you.

MichelleRenee posted 3/21/2014 12:35 PM

Logically that makes sense, Sparky, but I'm just absolutely terrified. I just don't know what to do anymore.... And my stbx does take all his visitation except for a 3 week period last Nov when he took a trip to Ohio to visit his homewrecker. Also, in the divorce, my stbx insisted i stop home schooling which the judge sided with him on. So now my stbx is saying that we'll keep homeschooling so he can have him 50/50 & also do work with him. That doesn't sound like very good consistency to me. Flip flopping homes & trying to keep schoolwork on track. I just feel sick....and as we speak my stbx is texting me about this crap. I cannot keep my sanity any longer...I just can't.

MichelleRenee posted 3/21/2014 12:37 PM

He's doing an amazing job at scaring me, nowiknow... very amazing job. and he's currently texting me that I don't think of anybody but myself!!!! HE CHEATED. I GAVE him OUR home. Yet he still manages to threaten & put all this on ME! I'm shaking. I'm literally shaking.

Softcentre posted 3/21/2014 12:39 PM

Did you get any of that via text/email? If you did, it's great to show that his motivation is not the child's welfare, but revenge...

Also, he's got no job? How's he going to afford the lawyer and court fees? Can he afford to support your son for 50% of the time? Is he paying CS? And is he up to date? Did he lose his job because he quit/was fired? - that doesn't go down well with a judge if you can prove it

I know I'd been terrified if that happened to me...but wait until you actually get a summons. Remember,liars lie, so you ignore their words/threats and wait for their actions. If he's a lazy can't be arsed type, chances are he won't get round to it.

But sending you hugs for a horrid situation

woundedby2 posted 3/21/2014 12:40 PM

*crickets* to him.

Turn your phone off for a while if you need to. He's trying to upset you, and is doing a good job. Shut him down.

MovingUpward posted 3/21/2014 12:41 PM

We currently live 1 hour apart. . . . . He's only 9.

First of all I would any judge would be a parent to get a job so that they could help support their child (the only times I could see that not be warranted is in cases where a parent was the stay at home parent). But this 1 hour apart and your child being 9 makes me assume that your son is enrolled in a school. So the judge would still have to look at the hardship of your son with 2 hrs of commuting a day for a 50-50. No judge or school system would support a one week here and another week at a different school.

Now you said your judge is family friendly yet he only awarded your XH 30% of the time. As a father I don't see that as being father friendly. So there must have been a reason for that ruling and I can't believe it was because your XH was working.

Was your XH stupid enough to have corresponded to you in text message or email where you have proof of his declaration to not play nice? Does your XH lose your old home? Does he have a residence? Can he show he can support himself? I understand how you are scared, you need to work with the facts and your lawyer though and see what happens. Your lawyer should be able to size the chances of his success.

MichelleRenee posted 3/21/2014 12:42 PM

thank you softcentre. he was fired. he hasn't paid any c/s in a couple months & even before that he only paid partial. his threats are verbal. the only thing he texted was how I was being selfish and that the house is for our son etc etc. i don't think he's dumb enough to threaten via text.

nowiknow23 posted 3/21/2014 12:46 PM

his threats are verbal.
Stop talking to him. Let all his calls go to voice mail so you have a record of him messages.

Huge hugs, honey. I know this is terrifying you. Just keep breathing. Deal with what you have right now - a bunch of hot air and threats. ((((MR))))

MovingUpward posted 3/21/2014 12:46 PM

Well you were under no obligation to help support him and his dwelling after the settlement. He is just a bit entitled and manipulating you to feel guilty about his inability to provide.

MichelleRenee posted 3/21/2014 12:46 PM

MovingUpward, the judge awarded the custody exactly as my stbx asked for it. since he was working full time during trial it was custody that worked for him. Now that he's unemployed he's saying he can have 50/50.
And no, he is not threatening via text. I am trying to call my lawyer but can't get him right now.
As far as schooling - I was able to homeschool this year but according to our court papers he needs to go back to regular school next year. That was my stbx's request - not mine.

sparkysable posted 3/21/2014 12:46 PM

I know it's upsetting. I'm a pretty strong person, but his threat just shook me to the core. I was crying and shaking, and calling my mother and friends and texting my lawyer to calm me down.

He won't follow through, especially if he's behind in CS? Even though they are 2 separate issues, they are NOT going to take him away from you and give your DS to him, especially under these circumstances.

He's lashing out at you for something that most likely has nothing to do with you. He wants to engage with you, and he keeps poking. Don't give him a response.

I swear, every time my XWH has a fight with the OW, he tries to stir shit up with me. And he gets crickets every time.

Softcentre posted 3/21/2014 12:47 PM

Ok can show that he's not concerned about the welfare of your child because he's not paying CS and is making no effort to get a job (ie, he actually plans to stay unemployed so he can get 50% custody )

Courts do not like CS liable parents who get themselves fired, do not pay CS and intend to stay unemployed...especially if he is likely to soon be homeless. He will not get an increase in custody

nowiknow23 posted 3/21/2014 12:50 PM

They also don't like people who get rulings going their way (the current custody arrangement AND the change from homeschooling to public school) and then try to undo it all just a short time later.

He. Is. Delusional.

MichelleRenee posted 3/21/2014 12:57 PM

I pray pray pray that you guys are right. I just can't even function right now. I knew he'd be evil when I told him that i wouldn't help him but this is worse than i imagined. i don't know what to do...any and all dealings with him give me so much anxiety. i cannot handle this.

GabyBaby posted 3/21/2014 13:08 PM

I'm with Softcenter.

He's about to lose his home.
He's unemployed.
Yet he has the $$$ to take you back to court to get 50/50? Yes he has no money to put a roof over his head (and therefore his kids' heads 50% of the time)?

He's saying this to scare you into helping him wiht the house. Ignore his dumb arse until you see actual documents from a court regarding custody. I'd bet my next paycheck that (as usual)he's just spewing words. No action.

ThisHell posted 3/21/2014 13:12 PM

I'll tell you what you CANNOT do.... you cannot GIVE IN to him! and you have got to stop answering the phone. He does NOT have a leg to stand on and he does not deserve the energy you are putting into this being afraid. He knows what he's doing! And you are falling for it...

I totally get it. I have been there. Recently as a matter of fact. But thing is, until you get a summons or whatever it is, you need to focus on giving him no air time. Crickets. Do not engage in conversation. If you feel you must, email only! I might be inclined to email him "regarding this matter" and inform him that he got as he asked for in the decree. The house was given to him and is his, and only his responsibility. That you will not tolerate being "verbally abused" on the phone, and due to his behavior in that way, you feel the only way to correspond in a healthy fashion is through email.

Let him respond to that where you have his response in written form and THEN he will really have hung himself. Be polite but firm in your boundaries and remember anything you write will possibly be read by a judge so take care, but it might help to rope him into a written tirade that can be helpful to you should he actually make the attempt to do something with the courts...I think he is totally bluffing to bully you...

Gemini71 posted 3/21/2014 13:16 PM

..any and all dealings with him give me so much anxiety. i cannot handle this.

So do not deal with him. Do not read his texts or emails, do not take his phone calls. If DS is with you, there is no reason for communication at all. If this weekend is his time with DS, have someone else do the exchange if possible. If stbx complains that he can't get a hold of you, save it as proof that he cannot care for DS for one weekend without help, how does he expect to do 50/50. NO VERBAL COMMUNICATION!!! It will save your sanity.

MichelleRenee posted 3/21/2014 13:20 PM

Ok, ThisHell, I will no longer verbally speak with him. Text only. I don't know his new email since we used to use his job email to correspond & he no longer has that... Now I get to be a nervous wreck each time I check the mail - waiting to see if I get papers. I'm already a nervous wreck every time my phone beeps or rings. I'm constantly on edge with what I'll have to deal with next from him. It's amazing how 1 human can literally ruin your entire life.

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