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Newest Member: MaggieO (60733)

User Topic: 208 weeks he still doesn't know why...
♀ 27871
Member # 27871
Concerned  Posted: 2:27 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Wth? He goes to IC every week. Last week I asked how he felt his sessions were going. If the IC was helping him....he said yes. And honestly he seems more connected and present in our marriage. I asked him if he knows why he blew up our marriage. He says " no not yet". I tell him its been over 200 weeks i'm waiting for him to gain insight into his choices. He is surprised. I'm livid. Now, its been 2 weeks since that convo. He's @ his regular session. I explained again to him that one of the requirements of R is the why. Why he cheated. Why he made that choice. I need to know how he can promise he won't cheat again if he doesn't know why he did it in the first place. I think he knows but won't tell me.

Me:55 BS
Him:55 FWH Trying to make me a believer?
Years married:37
:03-01-10: The day I learned the truth
Kids:Daughters 4 all grown and married.
Reconciliation is hard.
Really freakin' hard.

Posts: 770 | Registered: Mar 2010 | From: The Great State of Texas
♀ 33226
Member # 33226
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage


You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

Posts: 40179 | Registered: Aug 2011
♂ 26970
Member # 26970
Default  Posted: 3:14 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

..4 years??? and he's still stonewalling you??

..he knows why ..and I think you do's not complicated..

..he thought he could get some on the side
..he thought you'd never find out
..he got his ego stroked
..he was selfish
..he enjoyed the excitement
..he got to have a secret life
..he got the validation
..he got to live out a fantasy can't read on this site without learning about all the reasons that are posted for the 'whys' of the affairs

..the list is a mile long.

He just doesn't want to admit to you, the reasons why he stepped out of the marriage, because.then he'd have to admit them to himself! sorry you're here.. so sorry any of us are here!!


trust no other human- love only your pets
She isn't and never was who I thought..I can't believe who I married and what she did to us.
Me 70
Her 66
Married 45 yrs (together 49)
18 yr LTA with bff/lawyer.
. died from a brain tumor@57

Posts: 4920 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Ontario Canada
♀ 35846
Member # 35846
Default  Posted: 4:08 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am sorry.

So has he been in IC for the entire 4 years?

I was pretty broken and I can tell you there were many lightbulbs that turned on for me after a few years.

What has he learned about himself? Has he found any pieces in him that were/are broken? Does he connect the dots from his issues to their origin?

What is he able to share with you about his IC?

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom”
Anaïs Nin
Me: 45
Him: 47
Dday 8/2007
We have R'd

Posts: 4012 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: Massachusetts
♀ 35812
Member # 35812
Default  Posted: 4:45 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think that I would be making an appointment to see his IC and find out, exactly, just what in the hell they had been talking about for four years! I actually did this, when I caught my FWH lying about something major, because I wanted to see if he was actually telling SOMEONE, like his IC, the truth!

Imagine a ship trying to set sail while towing an anchor. Cutting free is not a gift to the anchor. You must release that burden, not because the anchor is worthy, but because the ship is.

D-Day, June 10, 2012

Posts: 9776 | Registered: Jun 2012 | From: So California
♂ 31240
Member # 31240
Default  Posted: 5:52 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Has he changed at a gut level? That, to me, is the most important goal of IC.

If my W asked me for the whys of my dysfunctions, I don't think I could answer cogently, but I do think I know a lot about the ways in which I've changed, even though W & I disagree on a few of the changes.

As of September, 2017 -
fBH (me) - 70+, fWW, Married 50, together 50+, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
I share my own experience because it's all I know.

Posts: 16280 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: Illinois
Member # 325
Default  Posted: 7:05 PM, March 21st (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My husband cheated close to 15 years ago--did IC for 13 years and hads no clue why he cheated. His therapists all tell me why, and he repeats their words, but he himself isn't capable of digging deep enough to have found out. Of course, all the therapists he's seen and I've seen (we've moved a few times) tell me he doesn't need to know why. They say, you touch a hot stove, it hurts, you don't touch it again. You don't need to know why hot hurts! Whatever.

Posts: 5662 | Registered: Jul 2002
Topic Posts: 7

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