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Slow R. Anniversary around the corner. What to do?

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Guss posted 3/21/2014 15:16 PM

Hi Good Survivors,

Its now 11 months since DD. My emotions still run crazy. Have just been limping along…
I owe you all an update.

1. So immediately after DD went for STD. Together. came out clean. Both of us.
2. Did a paternity test and confirmed, much to my relief, that I fathered both of my kids.
3. Caused NC. As far as I know there has been no contact with OM.
4. Was able to establish, by tracing call logs that A started three years ago. So the affair had been running for 3 years of our 8 year marriage.
5. Succumbed to HB within a week after DD and it was raw, what with negative STD tests!! But looking back I Feel like I betrayed myself. I felt bad afterwards. I feel that I lost my bargaining power (how long did it take some of you before HB kicked in??)… will come to this feeling later…..
6. Decided to try R because of the MY KIDS who I love to death (but also largely motivated by the positive paternity test!!)

But as of now, I am NOT impressed with the progress on R. Here is why:
R started well but I find that I have to do a disproportionate share of the work like sourcing reading material and urging former WW to go for IC.
What drives me crazy is the lying. Stories don’t add up:
She claims they only had sex once during the whole three years of the A???!! She claims after the sexual encounter it turned into an emotional affair?? Could this be true?? If not true, what else could FWW be hiding??
Also information is not easily volunteered. I have to probe to probe. I find this exhausting.
Her strategy seems to be: talk less. Volunteer no info. If not asked, don’t tell.
Put simply, I am not happy with the way R is going and that’s why I say I regret I was betrayed by HB.
With one year anniversary around the corner what should I do? What should I demand?
What did you guys do on your year’s anniversary after DD.

Confused. Rumbling thoughts but could do with some pep talk.

Love ya all,


FWW 46
2 kids..9, 7
M: May, 2004
D-Day: April, 20, 2013
Status: R? I don't know..I hope. I don’t know… I hope…Keeps changing…

karmahappens posted 3/21/2014 15:29 PM

Hi GUss :)

Ok, well it isn't going well...what IS she doing to help the healing process?

If you believe there is more to her story (one time in three years, many of us have heard that...) sit her down and tell her that.

As far as your demands go, you say you are staying for the kids.

What does a marriage look like when you stay for the kids? Can you define it? Itemize what you want and need going forward?

Do you love her and wish R was true?

If you are not getting what you need then IMO it doesn't hurt to lay it all on the line.

Write all your demands out...what you want best case scenario. Don't settle, let her know what you need.

I know you want to stay for the kids, but a healthy, happy, loved Daddy is an amazing role model for a child.


oh, the anniversary, be good to you and do as little or as much as you want. Go to dinner, take the kids, see a movie...make it a family night even.

But take care of you, please.

sisoon posted 3/21/2014 17:14 PM

Once again, karma says what I would say.

I'm adding my voice because what karma and I suggest is much easier said than done - but it's so worth doing. You won't regret doing it.

I recommend reframing your thoughts about sex. Yeah, you want sex, but probably so does she. You both experienced and benefitted from HB, and your W would be poorer if you hadn't done it.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:16 PM, March 21st (Friday)]

BFFGone posted 3/21/2014 19:26 PM

Are you in MC?

What boundary agreements do you have in place? Honestly, I know I would not last a day in R without my very elaborate and agreed upon boundary agreements.

You have been betrayed. What do YOU need to feel safe, to feel like things are headed in the direction you want them to go?

I'm 14 months in to R. Some days are hard, some are harder. Do you see a light ahead, or do you still have questions that need answering?

Good luck to you!

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