"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Guinness23 posted 3/21/2014 16:13 PM

Hi. I am a new member to this site. I wish I had found it 5 years sooner. A little background on me: I married in 1994 to a man I felt was my soul mate. He wasn't. In 2008, the same month my mother died, I found out he was cheating on me. Since then, I have gotten a divorce, lost my home and filed for bankruptcy. I have no kids. I became a member of Surviving Infidelity because I am clueless as to how to recover fully from this. I am lonely but don't trust anyone. Since my divorce, I have dated one man and he is a narcissitic piece of work. I need help and I don't know how to get it. My trust level is in the toilet. I am currently living with my 81 year old dad and I feel I am done. With the 42k members on this forum, I would like to know if I am through. Please help me.

GotPlayed posted 3/21/2014 16:22 PM

Hi Guinness23, welcome.

We can talk and we can try to heal. It sounds like you haven't healed fully yet. They say around here "broken attracts broken". I'm sure many people here can help you. I'm lonely as well, but I decided I wasn't going to let what she did define me, and I was going to continue trusting people. Having said that, not healing fully and dating is probably not a good idea, particularly for a woman.

Are you seeing a therapist currently? If you can't afford it, are you religious? Your house of worship sometimes will have therapists for free or near-free, as well as support groups.

Guinness23 posted 3/21/2014 16:34 PM

Thank you. I am not seeing a therapist but am drinking Guinness - hence my name- I have lost everything. My family and friends thing that I should be over this by now yet non of them have lost what I have lost. How do you learn to trust after 15 years of marriage? There was a disparity of income, too. In a recession and bad economy, how do you rebound?

better4me posted 3/21/2014 16:40 PM

hi Guinness and welcome to SI. It is never too late to come here! Glad you found us. Take a look around, read the other forums too and the healing library. I'm sure you'll find something that is relevant to you and your situation and will be helpful to you. When I first joined, reading about other people's situation was really a comfort, helped me see that I was not alone. And now, 3 years later, I know that whatever my situation or feelings, someone else here can relate to me. If you haven't already discovered it, you'll find a thread related to Narcissism (NPD) on the "I can relate" forum. Also, issues related to divorce (and recovery even after 15 years) can be found on the Divorce/Separation forum. You may want to post the same questions there.

It can be a little slow here on Fridays through the weekend so if you post and don't get a lot of responses that may be why.

Again, WELCOME!!

[This message edited by better4me at 4:42 PM, March 21st (Friday)]

suckstobeme posted 3/21/2014 16:45 PM

Hello Friend - I'm so sorry you find yourself here and that you are hurting.

At this point, I would say to take one thing at a time and remember to just take small steps toward whatever goals you may have. Goals can be big and very small, it doesn't matter. If you want to try to cook a new recipe this weekend, that's a goal. If you want to go back to school, get a degree, move out of your dad's house, those are goals too. Each day, just take a small step to get yourself a little closer to a goal. You may be down, but you're certainly not out.

As far as how to trust after 15 years of marriage and such deception and lies? You got me on that one. I'm three years out and have not dated yet, largely because I'm afraid of getting pummeled again.

I think the main issue is that, when you are ready, you have to accept that there is no way to control whether another shitty thing in a relationship happens again. We unfortunately can't get a pass or a guarantee based on the shit we've already been through. What we can do though is trust ourselves that if we are ever in front of this mess again, we will know what to do and that we will be okay, no matter what. We will draw on the strength that we have built up to get away, heal, and move on.

As far as when that acceptance is going to come, I'm not sure. You got me again on that one. I think everyone is different and everyone has to process their thoughts and feelings on their own time lines. Friends and family who haven't been through this mean well. They do. But, they don't know what it's like so they say the easiest thing that comes to mind - get over it. I also think that those types of statements arise out of fear as well. If these people are married or in relationships of their own, they tell you how to handle the infidelity because they hope to God that it's how they would handle it. They don't want to see you alone and struggling because, if it ever happens to them, they want to know that what they would be facing is different.

You can't worry about what other people say or think.

For now, I would take a deep breath and write down one thing that you would want to accomplish in the next few weeks. Again, it can be a small thing to the outside world, but it might be a huge victory to you.

yearsofpain25 posted 3/21/2014 16:52 PM

Hi Guinness23. Very sorry you are here but as better4me suggests, it's never too late. My circumstances are not typical and lets just say it took me almost 25 years to find this place. I instantly gravitated to your user as I'm drinking a Guinness right now! Happy Friday to you!

Take a look around. Don't hesitate to post in the other forums (except don't start a thread in Wayward or post to a STOP sign there). But you can always post your thoughts and feelings in Just Found Out or General as well as here in NB. SI ha helped me immensely just by me being able to get all of my story out. It has helped me to organize my thoughts and feelings and I have now been in therapy for 6 weeks. Post your journey as well if you want. Even if it was years ago. You may find it therapeutic.

Take a look in the Healing Library in the upper left. You will find a section for abbreviations as you will get hit with many here.

The people here are SI are amazing.

Welcome!
yop

Nature_Girl posted 3/21/2014 18:07 PM

I have an assignment for you. Will you read a book? It's titled "Getting Past Your Breakup". I love this book, lots of others here at SI also love this book.

There are questions & exercises in the book. Will you do them?

fireproof posted 3/21/2014 19:24 PM

Take a step no matter how small for you.

Maybe just a walk and every week start a new step.

Personally I would focus on friendships until your feet are underneath you.

It will get better but it means trying things- only you will feel the difference.

It will happen!

Sad in AZ posted 3/21/2014 20:19 PM

Hi Guinness. Yes, you've lost a lot, but if you start reading some of the backstories and browse through JFO, you'll find that your story is not uniquemany share your experience. It's good to know that you have company. Some are farther along than others, but we all wound up here for the same reason.

Can you recover? Yes. It's possible. I was M to the same man for 33 years (together for 40) before I divorced him for infidelity. I lived with my mom for about a year, then I got my own place. I've had to move several times for work. It's tough starting over but at this point, you have no choice.

Another thing you'll find is that we all know about despondence. If you are receptive, you will find acceptance and assistance here. I hope you can find some peace.

Guinness23 posted 3/21/2014 21:26 PM

Thank you all for your responses. I know this is a journey. One baby step at a time. My divorce was final in January 2010. For 4 years, I still haven't been able to rebound. I have only dated the narcissitic piece of work since. My biggest fear now is being forever alone and depending on myself financially. What I earn is nothing. I am scared that I will be forever dependent on family to take care of me, like my dad. The recession has hit me so hard. Technology and the economy have killed my career paths. What do I do?

Guinness23 posted 3/21/2014 22:17 PM

Background on me: I am 46. Married my ex 8-27-1994. Tried have kids with him but failed. Went to a fertility clinic for 2 years to try in 2002-04. Have a BS in Accounting but was coerced into that when I was a teen by family. I am an artist. I am a creator of crafts, photography, and journalism. When I was still married, I left the accounting field to pursue a creative career knowing my ex was there to field the bills until I could contribute with my new change of career.

In 2008, the front desk clerk at a hotel in Indianapolis where he had a 6 month gig going and he was staying was WAY too accommodating and ended up stealing my husband and giving him 3 children I couldn't. Since then, I have lost my husband, my home to foreclosure in 2013, the location I was familiar with and my youth.I feel dried up, discarded and useless. I had to declare bankruptcy in 2013 so my credit score is shot. The divorce was final on Jan 27, 2010. He doesn't appear to be affected one bit. Me on the other hand am miserable. I got replaced by a younger fertile model.

The recession murdered my life and hopes. I am too old to matter and too young to retire. I have too many things I have done on my resume because of my degree and creativity outlets and not enough "friends" in my "network" to get me anywhere. I am flat broke and living off my 81 year old dad. I am disgusted with myself for this.

The only man I have dated since the ex is a narcissitic pig I finally let go of this week. My Lhasa Apso baby is my significant other. Guinness is my best friend and its killing my stomach and health because I am drinking too much. I don't know how to get out of this bad situation I am in. Please help.

Nature_Girl posted 3/21/2014 22:22 PM

Look into going back to college to either freshen up your present skill set or to send your career path in a new direction. This is what I'm trying to do. I've been given a Pell grant, I just found out today that I've been awarded another grant, and I'm hoping to get a scholarship or additional grants so I can fully pay for college without incurring any loans. I'm desperate at this point because I've been a SAHM as well as out of the corporate workforce for 15 years. No one will hire me, I can't even get interviews, and my POS ex has found a way to not pay spousal or child support. I have to completely reinvent myself and think creatively to try and get any money I can.

You can do this. You've already taken a HUGE step just by registering here and telling your story. Believe it or not that truly is a very big deal. So good job for that!

So, back to the college idea. Is there a college in your area? Do they have a women's resource center or anything like that on campus? If so, give them a call. You might be pleasantly surprised at the support and ideas you find there.

PhoenixRisen posted 3/21/2014 22:28 PM

What do I do?

Put the Guinness down and join AA. You will meet others who were in the exact same poition ()lost everything) and started drinking ... a olittle at first, then some more, then it was their only comfort. Once you are successful with your drinking you can become a mentor to others (esp newly divorced women) and help them over come their drinking.

You need to find your value. You do have value. You are worth something. But your value will not be found in a romantic relationship. It will be found in helping others, guiding the next generation, giving back to the community.

Only when you have nothing, can you really give.

Work with others who are worse off.
Go to a soup kitchen, volunteer in an abused women shelter, tutor homeless children, head to the animal shelter and walk the dogs

Go - go out and be someone

Guinness23 posted 3/21/2014 22:39 PM

You need to find your value. You do have value. You are worth something. But your value will not be found in a romantic relationship. It will be found in helping others, guiding the next generation, giving back to the community.

Only when you have nothing, can you really give.

OMG, Phoenix Rising... this is awesome. THANK YOU

Guinness23 posted 3/21/2014 22:41 PM

Nature Girl - do they give scholarships/funding to 46 year old dried up people? I am scared. I am broke.

Guinness23 posted 3/21/2014 22:43 PM

Phoenix - THIS is SO prophetic:

Only when you have nothing, can you really give.

You are SO right. Thank you

Nature_Girl posted 3/21/2014 22:59 PM

Hon, I'm in the next decade older than you. Yes, they give scholarships to oldies. I've been competing against fresh young 20-somethings for this money, and today I just scored a little victory.

Listen, I know it's hard to change your thinking. If you're new here you don't know my story or the hell I've gone through, or the fresh hell I'm now in. Just believe me when I say I am fully aware of what it's like to be middle-aged, destitute and desperate. I know what it's like to look at your life and wonder what the fuck happened, how can it be that you're this old and can't make it? I know what it's like to have been kicked around and beaten down by life so many times you can't imagine that it's possible to get back up one more time.

I agree with Phoenix. Put down the bottle and find some people IRL to talk to and hold you accountable. Get that book I mentioned upthread and start doing some serious work on your thoughts & emotions. Your life isn't over. I think your spirit recognizes this and compelled you to post here. You have much to contribute and many decades ahead of you.

One step at a time. One day at a time.

GotPlayed posted 3/21/2014 23:08 PM

Guinness23 - Check out https://www.udacity.com/ for learning about technology related topics. These are serious courses, Georgia Tech and San Jose State. It started as an experiment by Stanford University.

There's a partnership with Georgia Tech so that the Masters in Computer Science transfers directly (Udacity gives you a MSCS from Georgia Tech diploma).

https://www.coursera.org/ is another resource. They provide what's called "Ace Credit" (ACE is the American Counsel for Education), which is a way to get college credit (or at least allowing you to challenge the course based on experience through the coursera courses) for having completed similar work.

Did I mention they're free? (in Coursera's case there's a free option and a very small fee option).

These avenues can seriously reduce the cost of your education, and allow you to take it at home with your iPad and such.

The world of education is seriously changing before our eyes. Check it out.

Cheers! It does get better. Just be optimistic, you're only 46. That's nothing!

And you have all of us to cheer you on!

[This message edited by GotPlayed at 11:09 PM, March 21st, 2014 (Friday)]

Guinness23 posted 3/21/2014 23:10 PM

Thank you, Nature Girl. The book you mentioned seems to be about getting past the ex. I AM past him. What I am not past and am still floundering on is how I personally can matter post divorce. I grew up in a well to do family and then married a man who could make a huge buck. My huge fear is how "I" can earn enough money to pay bills. I never had to worry about that before. My marriage died during the recession and technology murdered my dreams of a photography and journalism career. While I am completely past the ex, I don't know how to matter in 2014.

Guinness23 posted 3/21/2014 23:17 PM

Got Played - thank you. I will check into those sites.

And you have all of us to cheer you on!

I feel I am now in good hands for the first time in 5 years.