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Trusting again...how..?.

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sikkend posted 3/21/2014 21:55 PM

After several betrayals I am being told I am wrecking my new relationship - by being suspicious and guarded and not trusting. He also makes silly accusations.

The original cheater who is the reason I'm on this site, in the end took no responsibility for the damage he had caused to our family or me- just left and got a new wife within a year which was done within a year of that. He blamed me for not trusting and said if I didn't "fix myself" I would wreck all my relationships in the future with my mistrust. Now I am left wondering how on earth one does that after a serial cheater..?

How can I not be suspicious and scared to be hurt again?.

gonnabe2016 posted 3/21/2014 22:22 PM

So if I read that right, you are no longer with your WS that you have a child with.

So who is saying this to you?:

I am being told I am wrecking my new relationship - by being suspicious and guarded and not trusting.

And what are the *silly accusations*....and who is making them?

sikkend posted 3/24/2014 19:39 PM

I am sorry for the confusion. Correct, the serial cheater is in my past by 3 years now.

My current partner (who has on occasion been less than truthful, but I don't think has cheated) says that I am too suspicious, won't be vulnerable, and my comments show lack of trust. He also makes stupid comments that show similar qualities. Like during an argument, as I leave to get a time out and calm down, "go f?*# your hot neighbor like you always want to!" stupid, hurtful comments that show lack of trust and respect. Anger gets the best of him. And he says it's because of things I say which are much more discreet but show that I suspect him of being unfaithful - let me add that he had been checking out craigslist "casual encounters" and looked at several women's profiles, a month or two back. Before that it was pictures of women in underwear on the Chive. When confronted with that he said he was checking to se if I had posted pictrues of myself on there, because he knows I like to get attention for my looks (another bone of contention between us, as he is not that type to do that himself - and also shows distrust on his part if that was the real reason) At the time he was confronted about Craigslist, he first flew off the handle and went into a rage. Then after calming down and asked again he said he was curious and just looking. After a talk recently he admitted he gets excited looking at pictures of women. Ok. I get excited reading erotica. I often feel that one woman (even one who is sexy and takes good care of herself) isn't enough for a man's sensory needs, anywhere, anytime, anyhow.

I have done my share of blaming and it gets me nowhere. I want to make sure that I am not doing the damage here and I don't know how to stop looking for red flags and overreacting. How does one do this after a major life changing betrayal? six times over might i add. The first cheater says he did it because I am too controlling and I don't trust. What a catch 22 I am in.

Ostrich80 posted 3/24/2014 20:44 PM

He's not trustworthy either. What he's doing by looking at craigslist is betrayal. He's being shady then using your past betrayals to act like your over reacting. The insults about you and the hot neighbor...omg so disrespectful. He's not very nice and straight up rude.
I can't stand when someone takes a vulnerable person then uses their insecurities as manipulative weapon. Grr he pisses me off and.I don't even know the guy.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 8:46 PM, March 24th (Monday)]

norabird posted 3/24/2014 20:47 PM

I don't think the issue with your current partner is your lack of trust. It's that he is not worthy of being trusted and does not deserve it.

You are being emotionally abused by that man. Please end this relationship and spend some time on your own healing and learning to be happy on your own. You need some IC and some introspection to figure out why you keep settling for being disrespected. It's not worth sacrificing your peace of mind merely to have someone in your life. Why don't you believe you deserve someone who treats you right, honey? You are worth so, so much more than this.

Don't let him gaslight you. Trust your gut. Stand up for yourself. Draw your boundaries. Get your bitch boots and realize you will be happier alone than with someone who expects you to put up with their misbehavior.

gonnabe2016 posted 3/24/2014 23:14 PM

Sounds to me as if you picked a second guy who is, in many aspects, the same as the first.

Your current partner sounds like an ass. There is a ton of projection and manipulation (on his part) in what you've posted about your interactions with him.

The first cheater says he did it because I am too controlling and I don't trust.

Can you see how totally messed up this statement is? The guy was a serial-cheater.....so OF COURSE you're not going to trust him. Why would you????
And OF COURSE he's going to call you controlling -- he lacked boundaries, so anytime you try(ied?) to assert your own boundaries in the relationship.....he didn't like it because he didn't get to have free reign.

Anytime my stbx didn't (or doesn't) get *his way* or has/had to *account* to me for <something> that he didn't want to answer for.....he threw out the *you're controlling* card.


How can I not be suspicious and scared to be hurt again?.

......by finding a guy who's not an asshead.
You'll probably still be suspicious and scared, but a non-asshead's behavior, over time, will show you that he respects you and cares for you.
Know yourself and what you want in a relationship. Know your boundaries. Draw them out and be willing to hold firm to them.


I often feel that one woman (even one who is sexy and takes good care of herself) isn't enough for a man's sensory needs, anywhere, anytime, anyhow.

I disagree with this statement. IMO, you should take some time for yourself.....alone.....and figure out what you want and expect from a relationship. There are many men in the world who are willing to be in a committed, monogamous relationship (so I've heard, anyway )

FixYou71 posted 3/25/2014 00:13 AM

Everything gonnabe2016 said. And a good man with moral character can be monogamous and be very fulfilled and happy. He does not need multiple sources to meet his needs.

BtraydWife posted 3/25/2014 07:20 AM

All of the above few posts!!

Run from this guy. He is not trustworthy. He is already blameshifting and gas lighting you. He has poor boundaries and takes no responsibility for his actions and behaviors.

People like your ex and current douchebag prey on people who feel some responsibility for the actions of others (as you are doing.) Why do you care what your loser ex said as he ran away from facing his problems? It seems as if you feel it was prophetic. In reality it was just the words of a coward.

You deserve real, committed love and respect. There are many guys out there that have those qualities.


The first cheater says he did it because I am too controlling and I don't trust. What a catch 22 I am in.

You are not in a catch 22. Nobody cheats because of the bullshit reasons you've been force fed.
Why do you treat these trash words like gospel? Why do they have meaning for you?

How long have you been in IC? It seems you have a problem identifying what you are and are not allowed to demand of your partners in a relationship. You're taking to heart the words of people who destroy relationships and move on to the next like a parasite.

Why do you think you have to accept such treatment from men? Why do you think you are the one with the problem in these relationships?

It seems to me that if you have ANY problem it's one of low self esteem. You are under no obligation to commit yourself to an asshole. And as soon as you are able to identify a potential partner as an asshole he should be sent packing.

You might have to kiss a lot of frogs but don't settle for anything less than a prince.

BtraydWife posted 3/25/2014 07:28 AM

I often feel that one woman (even one who is sexy and takes good care of herself) isn't enough for a man's sensory needs, anywhere, anytime, anyhow.

And this is the bullshit you force feed yourself to *prove* you will never have a faithful man.

And really it's because you don't believe you are enough for a guy so you accept his mistreatment of and lack of commitment to you. This is what your problem is. You don't believe you are worthy of love. Please get into IC. Your life does not have to be filled with so much drama and pain.

You will get what you settle for and this is a self destructive pattern for you. You settle for a whole lot more disrespect and crap than any woman should.

[This message edited by BtraydWife at 7:29 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]

BtraydWife posted 3/25/2014 10:40 AM

I hope I didn't scare you off.

You deserve a loyal, loving, and respectful man in your life.

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