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Holding hands

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dbellanon posted 3/21/2014 22:41 PM

XWW and I both went to DD's preschool this afternoon for a parent-teacher conference. DD is 4. When we were ready to leave, we both left the building with DD together since XWW wanted to talk to me about a few of the things that we had discussed in the conference.

As we were walking together, DD wanted us all to hold hands so that we could swing her in the air between us, something that we had done when we were out together before we split up. It's a fun little game that she hardly gets to do anymore for obvious reasons. I think that last time she got to do it with me was when my mother and I took her out together during the holidays.

I couldn't say no to her, of course, so I took her hand, and XWW took her other hand and she swung in the air between us over and over again all the way to the car. She was having the time of her life, and I couldn't help myself smiling, but another part of me was building up with anger because I was being reminded of what XWW took away from us.

DD has hardly ever complained about not being able to spend with the two of us anymore, but you could tell from how she reacted when we both came to the school together that she missed it. It just broke my heart.

I've been doing well, but that moment really kicked me in the gut. I'm finding myself particularly sad and bitter tonight. Having that brief reminder of what it was like when we were a family just makes me all the more angry that XWW ripped that away from our daughter. How could she be so selfish?

StillLivin posted 3/21/2014 23:04 PM

I have no words to make it better, but I have been where you are many times.
They are so delusional that they have convinced themselves the kids don't care.
Sorry you are hurting tonight!

SBB posted 3/21/2014 23:17 PM

Ugh. I feel kicked in the guts myself. My girls do this with the sad clown and OWUmpteen. Other small things too like OWUmpteen doing their hair in the morning. I don't want that whore touching my girls. I want to rip her face off at these times.

They are mine. All mine. Those eyes? Mine. Those lips? Mine. That face-shape? Mine. Those hands? Mine. Those funny-looking knees? Mine. Those hugs and kisses? Mine. That quirky sense of humour? Mine. Being the best kids on the planet? All me. Mine.

My big girl told me my twirls are the BEST ever. I hold both of their hands then as we're walking I'll twirl them both at the same time by surprise. They love it. They ask for it all of the time. It's the element of surprise they love the most. It's one of 'our' things.

They also love our bedtime ritual of singing sings and goose bumps (I stroke their arms/bellies/faces until they get goose bumps).

They tell me all of this unsolicited. I could weep with joy when they do.

I get it. Whilst I can only imagine what it felt like to do - I do understand what you're feeling now.


5454real posted 3/22/2014 01:53 AM

I am many years post D with my first wife. Granted, I'm an outlier in that XW got an EOW visitation schedule and had to pay me support(20 years ago). The court actually split siblings to award me custody.(XW had a child from a previous M) Let me give you an example of why this is a good thing.

My son. Currently working his way through college. Pretty good job, good grades and a steady relationship. My former step-daughter?(Yes, I tried for custody of her too, XW never allowed me to see her again) 3 DUI's, bankruptcy and 2 engagements broken. (XW currently on probation for 100+k embezzlement)

I was being reminded of what XWW took away from us.

Be happy you're out. If anything, mourn for your DD, that this POS is the mother.

Mother something alright.


stronger08 posted 3/22/2014 04:43 AM

Perhaps your XWW took notice too. I doubt it, but maybe she did. And I hope it stung her just as hard as it did you. Like everything else in life its the little things that matter. But in time your little girl will grow up and understand what really happened. She will see that even after all the pain the XWW inflicted on you that you still cared enough for your DD to swallow your pride and be a part of her life. Its a very good lesson in life for her to see. It shows that you were man enough to put an end to your XWW's bullshit, but still had enough love to make her happy. Trust me these things don't go unnoticed. My son was very young when my XWW started her shit. I never once spoke ill of his mother in front of him. Now he is turning 14 and gets it. He has asked questions and I have been honest with him yet not derogatory towards his mother. Contrary to how my XWW has portrayed me with her lies and rants to the kid. I do this because I want to instill in him that relationships are not supposed to be disposable. That people should not cheat nor should they sit there and endure it from their mate. Children learn from example and I pray that by showing him these little lessons he can view relationships as they should be. I want to break the chain so to speak from what he sees his mother doing. I think your doing the same and its not only commendable, but needed as well. Hang in there bro !!!!

Klove posted 3/22/2014 07:31 AM

Reading this kicked my in the gut too.
I often feel this way and I know my boys do...
The loss of the family and our many traditions is hard to overcome right now.

Virginiagirl posted 3/22/2014 10:26 AM

I know how you feel. It is so tough when happy moments for your kids are sad/mad moments for you. Our wayward spouses ruined those moments forever. I resent him so much for that.
My DS, 10, is a sentimental little guy and I know he treasures every moment when me and WH do something with him together. It means so much to him.
And it means a lot to WH too- I know it kicks him in the gut- but he is also feeling sorry for himself during those times too. And I think he even resents me for them, thinks "If only you could get over it and forgive me, DS could still have this"
But coming from a family where my parents hated each other and stayed together for me- I refuse to stay together "for the kids". In the long run it is not a better thing for them.
You're doing the right thing by your kids, swallowing your own pain to do things as a family with them even though it hurts you. Giving your DS that happy moment that is tearing you up at the same time. That's love. She's a lucky little girl.

Jennifer99 posted 3/22/2014 10:32 AM

Just the kind of thing that continues to gut me. Hugs to you & DD

thisisterrible posted 3/22/2014 22:47 PM

The effect on the kids is really, truly, the saddest part of the whole situation.

When STBXH and I do stuff with the kids together, I always end up feeling pissed off at him all over again. I want to scream at him "Were things THAT awful with me that you had to go out and find someone else?? Was THAT worth throwing away family moments that could be happening every day if we weren't getting divorced??"

On the flip side, I think when STBXH goes home after we do something with the kids, he feels pretty fucking awesome about himself. In his mind, he thinks is just great that we can still do things as a 'family', and that it's really wonderful that the kids can still get to have 'family' time and experiences. So, you know, leaving me and the kids for OW wasn't such a big deal after all.

I could cry everytime I think about what was taken away from my poor kids in terms of having a "normal" family. It's not what they deserved and were promised when they were brought into the world.

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