I focus on every other area of my life and and theirs. My ex rarely comes up in conversation because his friends are tactful.
One friend sent me this text: I don't care what he thinks, you and I got our own thing going on! I enjoy his company enought that it's worth supressing the knowledge that he is good friends with my ex also.
Recently, the X's best friend (they met in the police academy in 1985) reached out to me. It was sort of funny because he went to the X to get his 'permission' to call me. We discussed the A a bit and of course the D. He & his wife had been to our son's wedding in 2011 (BF was in the wedding party) and the X had never told them we were D . The X had introduced him to the ow, and told him how 'mean' I had been during the betrayal. His BF basically read him the riot act. They've smoothed things over, but the BF really wanted to reconnect with me.
If I'm ever in their area in FL, I would certainly make plans to see them.
I'm 7 years out from d-day and 3 years out from D, so I've mellowed quite a bit. I don't really want to get into a situation where I have to be around the X and ow (they're not M) in a social situation, but it's mostly because I don't like her as a person--she's someone I would never have befriended in any circumstance. That's something you'd have to consider if you continued your relationship with his BF's wife. Alternately, you'd have to consider not being included in a social situation because you're the XW. How would that make you feel.
Ultimately, who cares what your X thinks or says about your talking about him to his friends--FTG. He can send you all the nastygrams he wants; he can't threaten you unless you are not telling the truth and slandering him.
[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 10:43 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)]
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
I DEMAND YOU STOP SPEAKING TO MY FRIENDS IN A NEGATIVE MANNER bullshit email
Of course, your answer to this is, I'm not, I'm speaking to my friends about my life.
She's reaching out to you. Since you are still in the courts, DO be careful that she isn't reaching out just to get info for your X. I'd be careful about telling her your gameplan, just so it didn't get back to X.
That aside, there is no reason for you not to remain friends with someone that has outright told you they want to remain friends, and is working at staying friends with you. At least until your court stuff is done, I'd try to keep the conversation on other items other than XH, but you don't have to watch every little thing you say...remember, you could say it right back to him. I'm sure he's telling your friend (Wife of friend) terrible things about you. Tell him, you first.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
And I think I naively assumed that they couldn't possibly remain friends with her knowing all the horrible things that she had done. After all, I certainly couldn't. But one after another, they all affirmed to me and her their commitment to remaining friends with both of us, and did so in a way that made it almost sound like they thought that's what I would want. It was most certainly not what I wanted, for two main reasons. First of all, XWW genuinely believes and acts like she did absolutely nothing wrong when she had her affair. Even though the affair is over, she has shown absolutely no remorse for it, and frankly I feel like if people treat her exactly the same way they did before, they are implicitly agreeing with her believe that what she did was no big deal. They talk about not taking sides, but by not taking sides, they are taking her side. I don't think they realize this, and frankly there's nothing to be gained from telling them at this point.
The second reason is the one that you talk about, which is that I feel like I can't be completely open with them. Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead, so the saying goes. If I say something that I don't want to get back to XWW, then it's a lose-lose situation. Either my friends feel awkward about having to keep a secret, or they carelessly let something slip. I can't take for granted that they have my back.
If I had the luxury, I'd probably just eject the mutual friends who "refuse to take sides." Do that, and I rapidly run out of friends, sadly, and my daughter rapidly runs out of playmates.
So I end up compromising and settling for a much more shallow relationship, and I keep my more sensitive thoughts to myself. It kind of sucks.