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Friends with X's Friends???

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FlySomeday posted 3/22/2014 07:37 AM

Hi SI friend. So, among the struggles of moving on, I find myself really perplexed by how I feel and how I should feel about being friends with the XWH's friends (wife of the friend). Anyone else out there struggle with this? Although we are divorced (8/13), I'm still embroiled in litigation because of lack of compliance of the court order. Still some really ugly shit going on. Sooooo...when my friend (XWH"s best friends wife) reaches out...I'm so uncertain of our relationship. I've tried very hard to not over share with her the garbage which is unfortunately still a big part of my life because I don't want it to get back to him. Sometimes, I wonder how harmful would it be?? Truth is truth right?? I try to live an authentic life here and am tired of analyzing and over analyzing stuff to death. I just want to be free of that. So, back to this friend of mine. INitially, she was 'on my side' and was completely disgusted by XWH. Since her husband is Friends (Best friends one would say), they hang out with him and whore (now married to her) . She once vowed she'd never go to that wedding (#4), but of course I believe she'll soften after all she is so 'likable' and she is 'nice to my kids'. Therefore I'm supposed to like her too?? I digress. Sorry. Anyway, my friend...she is lovely and funny. I just hesitate to share .... Tired of not being authentic and so guarded. But, in some cases if you aren't, then you get popped by an annoying I DEMAND YOU STOP SPEAKING TO MY FRIENDS IN A NEGATIVE MANNER bullshit email. *sigh* Damned if I do and Damned if I don't I feel. Just wanted to process here and see if anyone else has similar 'friendships' struggles. Thanks .

Harriet posted 3/22/2014 09:23 AM

I have stayed in touch with (some) friends of my ex's. I just don't talk about him at all with them. I feel that any negative thing I say about him will make them uncomfortable and make me sound bitter. There is the added benefit of, if it ever comes up, my ex knowing that I don't even talk about him. I let the rumor mill take care of things for me (and a lot has come out).

I focus on every other area of my life and and theirs. My ex rarely comes up in conversation because his friends are tactful.

One friend sent me this text: I don't care what he thinks, you and I got our own thing going on! I enjoy his company enought that it's worth supressing the knowledge that he is good friends with my ex also.

Sad in AZ posted 3/22/2014 10:38 AM

The X and I grew up in the same small town and had been together for 40 years since age 17. We have a lot of mutual friends. After the separation, I told them everything that I knew about the A. I didn't 'bash' him, but I was honest. Of course, throughout our M, they were there, so they also knew any struggles we had in other areas. Some of them are FB friends with the X, but he doesn't go out of his way to be involved with them.

Recently, the X's best friend (they met in the police academy in 1985) reached out to me. It was sort of funny because he went to the X to get his 'permission' to call me. We discussed the A a bit and of course the D. He & his wife had been to our son's wedding in 2011 (BF was in the wedding party) and the X had never told them we were D . The X had introduced him to the ow, and told him how 'mean' I had been during the betrayal. His BF basically read him the riot act. They've smoothed things over, but the BF really wanted to reconnect with me.

If I'm ever in their area in FL, I would certainly make plans to see them.

I'm 7 years out from d-day and 3 years out from D, so I've mellowed quite a bit. I don't really want to get into a situation where I have to be around the X and ow (they're not M) in a social situation, but it's mostly because I don't like her as a person--she's someone I would never have befriended in any circumstance. That's something you'd have to consider if you continued your relationship with his BF's wife. Alternately, you'd have to consider not being included in a social situation because you're the XW. How would that make you feel.

Ultimately, who cares what your X thinks or says about your talking about him to his friends--FTG. He can send you all the nastygrams he wants; he can't threaten you unless you are not telling the truth and slandering him.

[This message edited by Sad in AZ at 10:43 AM, March 22nd (Saturday)]

devistatedmom posted 3/22/2014 10:58 AM


Of course, your answer to this is, I'm not, I'm speaking to my friends about my life.

She's reaching out to you. Since you are still in the courts, DO be careful that she isn't reaching out just to get info for your X. I'd be careful about telling her your gameplan, just so it didn't get back to X.

That aside, there is no reason for you not to remain friends with someone that has outright told you they want to remain friends, and is working at staying friends with you. At least until your court stuff is done, I'd try to keep the conversation on other items other than XH, but you don't have to watch every little thing you say...remember, you could say it right back to him. I'm sure he's telling your friend (Wife of friend) terrible things about you. Tell him, you first.

dbellanon posted 3/22/2014 12:04 PM

Yeah. This is tricky, and I haven't really figured it out. There were a number of XWW's friends whom she "got to first," with whom she embarked on a massive campaign of character assassination before she ever even hinted to me anything about being unhappy. They all backed her up, even the ones who knew about the affair. So they're out. I'm never speaking to any of them again. But there were other mutual friends of ours that were, I suppose, more in my corner.

And I think I naively assumed that they couldn't possibly remain friends with her knowing all the horrible things that she had done. After all, I certainly couldn't. But one after another, they all affirmed to me and her their commitment to remaining friends with both of us, and did so in a way that made it almost sound like they thought that's what I would want. It was most certainly not what I wanted, for two main reasons. First of all, XWW genuinely believes and acts like she did absolutely nothing wrong when she had her affair. Even though the affair is over, she has shown absolutely no remorse for it, and frankly I feel like if people treat her exactly the same way they did before, they are implicitly agreeing with her believe that what she did was no big deal. They talk about not taking sides, but by not taking sides, they are taking her side. I don't think they realize this, and frankly there's nothing to be gained from telling them at this point.

The second reason is the one that you talk about, which is that I feel like I can't be completely open with them. Three can keep a secret if two of them are dead, so the saying goes. If I say something that I don't want to get back to XWW, then it's a lose-lose situation. Either my friends feel awkward about having to keep a secret, or they carelessly let something slip. I can't take for granted that they have my back.

If I had the luxury, I'd probably just eject the mutual friends who "refuse to take sides." Do that, and I rapidly run out of friends, sadly, and my daughter rapidly runs out of playmates.

So I end up compromising and settling for a much more shallow relationship, and I keep my more sensitive thoughts to myself. It kind of sucks.

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