The roller coaster of emotions really is one hell of a ride. I have gone from shock to numb, tears to anger, hate to love, D to R and so on back and forth hundreds if not thousands of times this last month.
You wonder when it will get better, when the hurt and confusion will start to subside and things can be 'normal' once again.
However, yesterday I took some time out by myself and just reflected on these past 5 weeks.
That first week I didn't eat a thing, I barely drunk anything either, week 2 I start to graze every few days, week 3 I was having something to eat every day, week 4 I started to eat proper meals again.
That first week I barely slept for fear of nightmares or missing an action my WH may do to show he was still cheating. The second week I began to sleep for a couple of hours a night. The third week I could actually go a whole night, last week I woke up and my first thought wasn't about WH and OW as it had been every day up until that point.
I am hoping to R and my WH is doing everything he should be. His A had ended by the time he told me, (3 weeks after they last met. i didn't find out he just confessed). BUT I also know that if R doesn't work I am getting stronger and better each day if only in a purely insignificant or tiniest of ways. I know I can survive this as I have survived these devastating last 5 weeks and starting to come out of the dark to realise actually whether I stay married or D I know I am going to be.
I know I won't feel like this every day but I take comfort in knowing that today I feel a whole lot better about ME than I did those long 5 weeks ago
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie
For perspective, I am now five full years removed from the events that turned my world upside down. In my case it was a few months of suspicion followed by ten months of trickling truth and new discoveries, followed by half a year of recovery and daily struggle and then one final climatic event(no contact) that led to a huge breakthrough for my wife during an emergency session with our therapist, and nothing but healing since.
I used to marvel at how when I finally hit a day where the events of the past did not factor in how amazing that felt because I had gotten to the point where I did not know what it was like not to fret and worry and calculate as part of my normal daily routine. In fact once we started to rebuild our relationship a huge obstacle was letting go of the detective mode that had become second nature. Smells, sounds, just about anything would trigger a sense of needing to investigate. For the longest time I would introduced innuendo into conversation that would reveal either my still bruised feelings or an attempt to gather more information. But if your partner is committed to doing a living amends to you that too can and will go away.
The fact your WH confessed is a very good sign that he is ready to own up to his actions and be accountable. But as you have indicated, no matter how it all plays out you will be okay. This is so much a live and learn experience, and as much as there are similar patterns each situation is also unique and different and while the playbook for recovery is helpful so much is intuition and acting and reacting to your specific circumstances while in the cauldron.
Two things I would suggest to ease your transition. First do not blame yourself. This advice is repeated over and over, but it also means not feeling foolish or responsible for not knowing what was going on. You chose to be honorable in trusting him and the relationship and that is right. What he did was wrong and now he must own up to his mistakes and make amends. Second, even though this trial by fire was not of your choosing and painful know that you can grow from the experience. If your relationship survives it will be stronger because you will accept nothing less. Your partner was broken in some way to have done this, and if you both are not in therapy currently I would strongly advise finding someone who is qualified and helpful to assist you on the road to recovery. Of course the qualifier here is that all therapists are not equal. Take the time to research and find one who has experience in this area and use the motto from this board of taking what is useful and disregarding the rest. If she/he is not helping find a better one until you are satisfied. Speaking from experience, a good therapist can be worth their weight in gold. Good luck!
That being said, I agree, there are moments of joy and happiness again. WH did EVERYTHING wrong the first few days after the OBS contacted me. Now he is doing things right! He has become very "couple centric" (that is what aour amazing therapist told us needs to happen!). He has honored the NC agreement thus far. He has been as transparent as possible, even though I am still suspicious. He handles my meltdowns and I truly feel that he is remorseful and wants to be with ME more than anything!
I am still heart broken. I am still grieving. But I am surviving, which I didn't think was possible 5 weeks ago.
Good Luck. Stay strong. And feel free to contact me anytime!
I am only 4 days in and each hour is different. I relate to the not eating. I haven't had an appetite. Lost 5 pounds in 4 days. Not sure how that is possible, but either way not good. Trying to make a conscience effort to eat. I went all day yesterday without crying. Today, not so good. Any little thing can remind me of something he said or something I want to say or something I need to know or ask.
I do still find myself feeling like the ultimate fool. And I am questioning everything I ever did or didn't do.
Just reassuring to hear that I am somewhat normal in my feelings.
Thank you for sharing!
We will all get through. Thanks so much to those of you like Ming who keep lighting up the dark for those of us just stumbling in!
