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We have been acknowledging that the A really happened, have appointments set for MC, and WH agreed to the letter writing to express ourselves until first MC session. The most progress in the 3 years since Dday! But his writing doesn't address the A at all, he only talks about things between us leading up to the A... and most of those things are how I was making him feel detached, resentment towards me, pushing him away, doing his classic "yes blahblah was my fault, but these more IMPORTANT issues that are YOUR fault made me do it". Its really pissing me off again.

The issue we got hung up on last night is that he STILL maintains that he never had sex with her. I again CALMLY explained that he wasn't having sex with ME, he started shaving his downstairs regularly (had never done that in the 5 years we were together), would get straight in the shower after staying out (with her), and even says after we separated he never had sex with her (even though everyone they knew knew they were in a relationship and he would stay at her house regularly etc). He just wants to downplay everything, and when i called him out on it and said a mutual friend told me more than he had, he got shaky and angry, demanded to know who, and told me that me not revealing my informant was the BIGGER issue, because clearly I'M the dishonest one blahblahblah.

Im sorry for the novel everyone, im just super angry today because he has once again disillusioned me, making me think we were moving FORWARDS, when we're still standing still...

3 years since Dday and he's still lying.
More, he's turning anger and blame around on you.

Unacceptable. You don't have to accept the unacceptable, and it stops when you say it stops.
Grab your power.
180.
It's for your health.

He's fence-sitting and bargaining with your tolerance for pain, all on you...
Kick the damn fence down.
Please stop tolerating abusive bullshit, and make no mistake, lies & turning it around on you are abusive bullshit.
You do not deserve that.

So you have been acknowledging the A happened, which was 3 years ago, right? But he maintains no sex, although evidence seems to say otherwise?

So in 3 years, what HAS he done?

It seems as though he has been

blameshifting

still lying to you

displaying anger when questioned about the affair

If all of this is correct then he is not remorseful and R cannot happen with someone that doesn't get it.

You have spent 3 years waiting for him to understand your pain and walk with you through R. He doesn't appear ready or willing to do that. Agreeing to MC doesn't work when one isn't open and honest.

When is it time for you to live your life? When do you stop waiting for him to care enough about his family, his wife?

Please don't allow him to dictate the direction of your life.

If I were you (and I am not, so take this FWIW). I would drop the MC, get into IC and start detaching from him.

Let him continue to derail his life.

Take charge of yours and take steps to make it a happy,fulfilling one.

You cannot do R alone.

(((hugs)))

honey ,,run......do not waste your tears and youth living a lie,,,,,,life is short.....move on....what is there to hang on to....he is cruel and very shady......he is dark....run as fast as you can,,,,you deserve better than being in an abusive emotional relationship.....stop letting yourself be abused by this sewer rat