You ARE a good person, but you're human too. It's a natural reaction to become angry when the person who you trusted most, stabs you in the back. It's normal, if not right, to be angry when there is injustice.
If we all took the "high road" and let our respective cheaters "off pretty easy," then don't you think society as a whole would start to feel that infidelity is not that terrible? It's bad enough that movies and tv often display cheating in a glamorous light. It doesn't show the realm of destruction it inflicts on the betrayed spouse and innocent children.
When something unfair occurs, I think anger is appropriate. It shows that we as a society know this to be morally wrong.
I'm not saying we should go to the extreme with anger and resentment, although I certainly understand those feelings. I'm saying a certain amount of justified anger and expressing that anger is good.
You're stifling a normal response. You may also be stifling anger and resentment because your high road behavior isn't working at making him remorseful. You say that you've stopped hoping for that, yet you continue to rehearse in your brain your answers if he should ask for another chance.
Don't get me wrong. I get where you're coming from. I often stifle my anger to get what I want from STBXWH, but I also allow myself to lob an insult occasionally when I think he's forgetting what he did. There's nothing wrong with showing what you think and believe in.
It's hard to see the road ahead if you're always looking in the rear view mirror.
Forget about his reaction. Honestly, I will bet that, even though you haven't said anything that would give him a reason to act out towards you, he still does. Why? Because. Even though you are taking the high road, he is still finding reasons to believe it's all your fault. That's what they do. I found out after we split that he was telling TONS of people about "rotten" things I did to him because he needed others to believe that he was justified in leaving. It didn't matter what I said or did, he had to have me be at fault.
You don't need to badmouth him or whatever, but you do need to be truthful to yourself, to help you stop spinning your wheels and let you heal. You are not going to see him being sad and regretful no matter how "nice" you are. You are already the bad guy in his little play. He's NOT sad and regretful. He wanted out, he did what he did, and he got what he wanted. Why would he be sad and regretful?
Stop waiting for that. When your brain starts trying to go over things, again, stop yourself. Start to think, ok, he's an ass. He's gone. What do *I* want? And start thinking about things you can do to improve YOUR life. Stop worrying about what he will think, or if you doing xyz is going to make him have a reason to act like a jerk. As you said in your own post, he still finds reason to act like one. Think about you, and what you need. Cut him out of the equation.
WH says marriage is over: May 15, 2009.
EA#2 July 20, 2009. Legally sep: Aug 16, 2009. DIVORCED!!!! Signed Nov 23, final Dec 24, 2010, adultery listed.
I don't feel like I'm stuffing the anger, I just don't see any point or benefit in saying anything to him. I have, of course, expressed a lot of it during the past months, but now what's the point in repeating it? U know? My mind is totally made up; I don't want him back even if he did finally see the light.
However it's an important distinction that I need to do what's good for ME, not because I am looking for a certain reaction or validation from him. Thanks for those reminders. I've come a loooonnnnng way- but I still catch myself, like u guys just did, acting a certain way because I want to test him, or look good to him somehow. Gotta break that cycle completely.