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High road

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Virginiagirl posted 3/22/2014 10:16 AM

I decided pretty soon after Dday that I wasn't going do and say all the terrible things that I wanted to my WH. I felt like, first off, I wasn't going to bring that ugliness and hatred into my life sphere, that if I allowed myself to hate him then it would bring a black cloud over my entire adult life that I spent with him. I didn't want to have resentment color every memory I have for the past 20 years. I let him off pretty easy!
I also try to continue that mindset because if I am the good person, the better person through this, then he will have no reason to act out towards me during the process of separating and working out logistics. Plus (I hope) it will cement in the realization that of what he is losing, because one of the great things about me (haha, pat my own back) is that I always put him & the kids first and never gave him any grief, about anything. He was always the source of drama etc in our lives, I was always the one trying to make things better.
So it's weird, but now when he does show that he's sad and regretful (still not remorseful, I've stopped hoping for that), that's when my anger gets to me. Not when he acts like his old jerk self. Because I start rehearsing in my brain all my answers if he should happen to ask for another chance. And that starts me down a rabbit hole of incredible anger and resentment. I have been spinning my wheels in the same ugly thoughts that have been playing through my brain for almost a year and for what? No benefit to me; no harm done to him. Sometimes I really regret taking the high ground. I want to just yell all these things at him still. I want to tell the whore the truths that she never knew. But I know once the dust settled I would regret it. And nothing else would have changed with my situation.
God please turn the auto-repeat off in my head. I am so so sick of thinking about this 24/7. I'm trying so hard not to let this poison my life and even though I see very clearly how much better my life has become since he's been out of the house, I continue to punish myself with the constant background noise in my head.

one2ndchance posted 3/22/2014 11:19 AM

While I admire your ability to take the "high road" and control any outward display of anger or resentment, I'm not sure if that's not the reason why you're struggling.

You ARE a good person, but you're human too. It's a natural reaction to become angry when the person who you trusted most, stabs you in the back. It's normal, if not right, to be angry when there is injustice.

If we all took the "high road" and let our respective cheaters "off pretty easy," then don't you think society as a whole would start to feel that infidelity is not that terrible? It's bad enough that movies and tv often display cheating in a glamorous light. It doesn't show the realm of destruction it inflicts on the betrayed spouse and innocent children.

When something unfair occurs, I think anger is appropriate. It shows that we as a society know this to be morally wrong.

I'm not saying we should go to the extreme with anger and resentment, although I certainly understand those feelings. I'm saying a certain amount of justified anger and expressing that anger is good.

You're stifling a normal response. You may also be stifling anger and resentment because your high road behavior isn't working at making him remorseful. You say that you've stopped hoping for that, yet you continue to rehearse in your brain your answers if he should ask for another chance.

Don't get me wrong. I get where you're coming from. I often stifle my anger to get what I want from STBXWH, but I also allow myself to lob an insult occasionally when I think he's forgetting what he did. There's nothing wrong with showing what you think and believe in.

devistatedmom posted 3/22/2014 11:21 AM

Taking the high road does not mean you have to do things that have no benefit to you. No, you don't have to yell and curse and tell every person that mentions him that he is evil slime. But as you are seeing, bottling up everything is hurting you.

Forget about his reaction. Honestly, I will bet that, even though you haven't said anything that would give him a reason to act out towards you, he still does. Why? Because. Even though you are taking the high road, he is still finding reasons to believe it's all your fault. That's what they do. I found out after we split that he was telling TONS of people about "rotten" things I did to him because he needed others to believe that he was justified in leaving. It didn't matter what I said or did, he had to have me be at fault.

You don't need to badmouth him or whatever, but you do need to be truthful to yourself, to help you stop spinning your wheels and let you heal. You are not going to see him being sad and regretful no matter how "nice" you are. You are already the bad guy in his little play. He's NOT sad and regretful. He wanted out, he did what he did, and he got what he wanted. Why would he be sad and regretful?

Stop waiting for that. When your brain starts trying to go over things, again, stop yourself. Start to think, ok, he's an ass. He's gone. What do *I* want? And start thinking about things you can do to improve YOUR life. Stop worrying about what he will think, or if you doing xyz is going to make him have a reason to act like a jerk. As you said in your own post, he still finds reason to act like one. Think about you, and what you need. Cut him out of the equation.

Caretaker1 posted 3/22/2014 11:52 AM

I try this but I flip flop. I have been replaced and she will remarry as soon as divorce is final. It's a lot to process, some days relieved this train wreck is gone, but humiliated, and lonely, and feel guilty kids get 2 homes back and forth. It's not a good life but some make it so. I put too much into it and drew boundaries too late.

Virginiagirl posted 3/22/2014 13:41 PM

Thanks to all for ur posts.

I don't feel like I'm stuffing the anger, I just don't see any point or benefit in saying anything to him. I have, of course, expressed a lot of it during the past months, but now what's the point in repeating it? U know? My mind is totally made up; I don't want him back even if he did finally see the light.

However it's an important distinction that I need to do what's good for ME, not because I am looking for a certain reaction or validation from him. Thanks for those reminders. I've come a loooonnnnng way- but I still catch myself, like u guys just did, acting a certain way because I want to test him, or look good to him somehow. Gotta break that cycle completely.

Smashedat58 posted 3/22/2014 15:25 PM

High Road, you sound like me. I, too, have tried to will justice to happen. Life doesn't work that way. Justice will be served, when your WH wakes from his fantasy and finds that he has become involved with someone he doesn't really know, and lost the one he really wanted and needed. But do't wait for it, start making plans for your own life. What if his realization comes at 92? Would you want him then? Forget him, and put yourself first. You are young and strong enough to make a better life for yourself. He's hopeless. As far as the other woman is concerned, she deserves to be married to him, and betrayed by the moron. It will happen. She'll get tired of washing his dirty underwear, and rubbing his hairy old back. If she's young enough, he may have to endure her menopause, and she his MLC again, but from the other side. You will be having a great life, with at least half of his money!

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