SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Reading a book on codependency and it's scary familiar

He has the boys today and I just went for an hour run in the sunshine. I started to think about all of the sacrifices and support I gave this man.
I supported him while trained for 2 marathons- brought him water/stuff during his training, traveled to cheer him on with signs and flags, etc..(and made sure kids were looked after while I did), had kids on my own during all those hours of training, cooked special meals. Had celebration parties when he was done.
I supported a 2 week trip to trek a mountain- which is where his A started with a female coworker.
I supported job after job with increasing travel, nights and weekends working while I was with the kids, made every meal, did all housework, planned every party/occasion, etc.
And I think about how much me time I lost doing all this.
And how I never, ever felt appreciated.

It's hard to accept that this is how it ends and how much I gave up for a man who didn't love me.

He loved you. My STBXWH still says he loves me. What we must keep in mind is their love is a very selfish love...much different than ours. They are incapable of true, selfless love.

So...what do you need for you? What are you going to take from all of this? You have the choice to hate and blame him for EVERYTHING...or to acknowledge that you made some choices too.

Now that doesn't mean that you deserved any of his selfish horrible behaviour (NOT AT ALL!)...but what are you learning from this so that:
- you can spot the red flags for the future
- you can make sure you don't lose your sense of self in another relationship
- you know what your dealbreakers are for any relationship
- you have and maintain healthy emotional boundaries in all areas of your life

I know I probably seem harsh,but someone did the similar for me. It helped me to try not to fall into the victim mentality, which is so easy when dealing with an unremorseful manipulative WS. This in no way excuses what they did, or underplays the gradual manipulation/emotional abuse that we have lived with. It's about helping us to avoid getting in the same position again.

Good advice.....I have kids and I know they will adapt and be part of a new rushed blended family with her AP Disney Dad.

Totally understand your feelings!
Try to turn them around. Instead of being bitter about being a good person that went unappreciated, take strength in knowing that you were and are AWESOME. His loss. (And yes, I bet he knows it, on some level). If u had to do it all again, wouldn't you still want to be a caring, giving person? Doesn't that make your light shine brighter, whether he appreciated it or not?
(I know that there are a lot of things we all would change if we could- not saying that. Giving so much of ourselves that we lose ourselves. But that doesn't make it bad that you were a giving wife. Don't regret that. Like soft centre said, look at things from your own viewpoint now, not from what he did or didn't see himself. Validate yourself, don't let ur self-worth stem from whether jerkwad noticed or not)

Klove I could have written your response word for word except his obsession was road cycling and boy did I support his international travel for business so he could climb the corporate ladder and never once did I allow the kids to hold resentment towards him for all his time gone from events. Never once did he support me in my chosen goals because he deemed them not worthy since it didn't involve and grueling cardio event like a 100 mile bike ride or a 10k. I told him when he left that the buffer is gone now between him and the kids and they will see him for who he truly is. It took about 4 months and they have been onto his game since and he keeps trying to get me to fix it. I must repeat the phrase "your relationship between you and the girls is your responsibility, I am not going to mediate" hundreds of times. I of course then get accused of being a poor __________. Any guesses on filling in the blank?? Ding ding ding I am sure there is a winner in SI land: co parent. I despise that word and concept must have been developed by a spouse that left the marriage for selfish reasons to feel better about themselves. Humor and not owning his shit goes a long way towards healing.

Klove with time though you will feel better and cannot keeping looking back because what's done is done and now you move forward and establish new and healthier boundaries for yourself and kids. Reading on these boards will make you see that life does get better and you are not alone in your experiences and how you can heal. You already gave him enough time and energy time for you now!

[This message edited by GreatRoleModel at 2:10 PM, March 22nd, 2014 (Saturday)]

I also feel like I may have written the same post, but mine was triathlons. He not only competed in IronMan competitions, but ran the local tri club. I kept everything running in the house and put my career on hold to do it and raise the kids, all while cheering him on in the best way I could. Yet, I still got the - you never supported me line. He started an A with another tri club woman and they kept it up for years (may still be together - who cares?). I struggled with bitterness more in the past and only occasionally now. I see how limited he is in so many ways. He is completely self interested and incapable of true love and empathy. My 10 and 9 year olds have already begun to see through him. They know what he is capable of and they know who is there for them. I have a feeling that your situation will be similar. Kids are smart.

You may have given him years of your life and he never appreciated it. But he gave you something really invaluable 1. your boys 2. awareness

You are now sure of what you will accept and what you won't. You are sure that you are worth more than what he gave you. You are aware of how far you've come. You are aware of what you want/need to teach your kids about relationships. The list goes on...

I feel sort of grateful to my STBXWH in a strange way. He forced me into it, but I have grown so much from that woman I used to be. I hope you have too.

Wow.
I hope I can get to the place you're in. But I know you are so right...
When you said you xh said "you never supported me..." my heart skipped a beat because I heard that line.
I now understand that I didn't necessarily support him happily because I was codependent and gave and gave and allowed myself to be in such an uneven relationship. I have already learned so much about myself. I never want to end up in a relationship like this one again.
Right now I am going through a weird despise period. It's like all the negative things I felt about him that I crammed away (but that leaked out anyway in passive aggression) are flowing out of me. It's such a change from how I felt 2 weeks ago. Then I was sad, depressed, hopeless...missing him.
Now I feel like I can't stand the sight of him. Listening to him speak is unbearable. When I see his name come up on text I clench my jaw and think "what now?" I don't let him know about the anger- trying for 180 and as much NC as possible.
I would really like to get to a place of indifference. But I guess a few stops along the way must include allowing myself to feel all the anger I tried to deny I really felt these last 2 years.
I guess it's a process you just can't rush.

You did what you were supposed to do. Spouses support each other. From where I sit you held up your end of the bargain. Same cant be said from him huh ? Never, ever regret doing the right thing. Because when all is said and done, you at least can look in the mirror with the knowledge and comfort that you tried your best. I believe we all have to account for our time on this earth. And when you meet your maker he will welcome you with open arms. Now think about how your welcome your WH is going to be when its his turn. Its not going to be a pretty sight.