SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/22/2014 11:59 AM

Just two weeks ago my life was normal. Maybe not perfect, but good. The morning of DDay started out like any other and I was very happy that particular morning. We said our "I love you's", "have a great day" and "see you this evening" as we always did as we left for our jobs. That afternoon after I got home from work, I was still extra happy and was working on getting supper ready. He came home just a little earlier than normal and he was a shade of grey. I asked like I always do, how the day went and he said fine, but I need to talk to you about something. He also told me that I may want to stop what I was doing, which was cooking our supper. At this point, my heart dropped to the ground and I thought he was going to tell me that he just lost his job and was preparing myself to handle the news. We went into our bedroom and as I sat down to listen to him openly and receive the news as best as I could, I NEVER dreamed to hear the words that came out of his mouth. "I've been having an affair".

I did know exactly who it was with as they were coworkers and I hadn't been able to stand hearing him say her name for quite a while. I guess my instincts knew for a very long time, but my heart and head trusted him beyond a shadow of a doubt. I did a lot of screaming, yelling, slamming, crying, vomiting while he just sat there. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he never meant for it to happen and was crying too. After a while, I calmed down and asked him what happens next? Then he dealt me the next blow - he has fallen in love with her. After I vomited some more and calmed down again, I asked how to work this out. We have been together for over 10 years, married for almost 5 of them. I couldn't see how all of this was gone, that we have too much of a foundation to just walk away from it. Then he tells me he doesn't want to fix it. At that moment, my heart shattered the last few pieces that were still holding together. All I could do was look around our house and see all the pictures on the wall, all of "us" just surrounding me. I couldn't believe it was suddenly all gone. He just told me he loved me that morning. We had plans for the upcoming weekend. He said he never wanted to tell me and that he was so sorry. But he still took a bag of clothes and left to go to his dads. I was in a state of shock and didn't know where to turn next. All I could do was cry and cry and cry.

The other blow to this story is that the OW was my familys' friend for over 20 years and she knew us well. And she's married too - has been for longer than us. Because she was a family friend, we know her history. She's cheated before and got caught and her family stayed together through it. She has also told my family that she doesn't believe in humans just having one mate for life.

This A was found out because she had gotten fired from our family company a couple of days before Dday happened to me. They were going through her emails the day after she was fired to see if there were any outstanding work emails to be dealt with. That's where they found emails between her and my husband. Then they searched the server and found even more emails between her and numerous other men. Mine just got stupid enough to fall for her games.

I have not been able to eat much. I've just gotten better at sleeping because I'm just exhausted from breathing every day. I've been in touch with my WH since that day because there are still things to be taken care of here at the house. Not to mention that I'm totally dependent on him financially. I have a little job, but it's not enough for me to stand on my own. I still need money from him and the house/animals still need taken care of. Every time we talk, he's in tears and keeps apologizing for hurting me. I cry too. I'm not ready to give "us" up but he keeps telling me he's fallen in love with her and can't change it. In the same breath he says he still loves me and that he didn't do this because he hates me. The A "just happened" as he puts it. Says he didn't mean it to happen. I truly think it's all emotional and don't believe it has been physical.

He has not given me any answers as to why or how this has happened. I'm so lost and confused and all I want is to have our life back. I can't find joy in anything. I can't see a future without him. It's so hard not hearing his voice after hearing it daily for over 10 years.

Just a couple of weeks before Dday, he was telling some people how we had gotten married and how much fun it was and all the things we do together. Just a couple of weeks before. I don't understand what has happened. He never gave me a clue that he didn't love me and our life anymore.

Yes, we have been struggling with some life issues, but who isn't? Finances aren't great, we have an adult child who's moved back home and has been making it stressful here, and we both haven't been happy at our jobs. But through that all, I didn't think we weren't happy with each other. I saw us as a team, hoping to make it through this struggle, and that life would get better in time. We just had to make it there - together.

I'm am devastated that all that I thought we had was just a dream to me. I feel like such a fool for having loved so deeply and blindly. Since Dday, he has told me that he's never been able to talk to me as I get too defensive when he tries. I apologized and said I didn't realize that I made him feel like that, but to know in my heart that I never meant to push him away. I also told him that I'm sorry if I ever made him feel taken for granted, but to realize that I have felt taken for granted many times too. He then also tells me I never trusted him anyways. I can't remember all the babble he said pointing out the ways I didn't trust him, but in that moment I knew it was the OW talking. Uh, if I didn't trust him completely, I would NEVER have allowed myself to become so dependent on him for everything.

We were best friends, having all the same common interests. We never fought. Ever. We spent all our time together because we truly enjoy each others company. In just the past couple of months he has told me that he has had guys ask him why he doesn't go hang out with them and he's told them, "because I like going home to my wife and I love spending time with her". This was just in the past couple of months.

I wish I could know what went wrong. What did I miss? Do I keep trying to hang on to him? I don't want to lose him and want desperately to work out whatever was wrong. I feel our foundation is too deep and invested to just throw it away over this. I believe he truly made a mistake and we could build "us" all over again.

However, right now, he's still insisting that he loves the OW and can't change it. He doesn't want to give me "false hope", but we are still in contact with one another. I'm afraid to not hear from him. I'm very angry with the OW, but have yet to find any real anger towards him.

What do I do next??

gahurts posted 3/22/2014 12:31 PM

LeftOut

I just want you to know you've been heard. Smarter people with better suggestions will be here to help you through this.

Right now the only thing you need to do is take care of yourself. Take some slow deep breaths to help calm yourself down. Breathe. Drink lots of water and make sure you eat something. Something reasonably nutritious. The infidelity diet can cause some serious unwanted weight loss. Before you can do anything about your M you need to take care of yourself.

Read in the Healing Library in the yellow box on the left and learn about and implement the 180. Only talk to him about finances and children (If you have any together). Otherwise total silence until or unless he wants to do what is necessary to fix himself and work on your M. A good first step would be for him to go to IC to determine why he would choose to do this.

Also consider getting IC for yourself too. Your first priority has to be taking care of yourself.

Welcome to the best club you never wanted to join. You find a lot of wisdom and support here and a few 2x4s when you need them the most. Hang in there.

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/22/2014 13:47 PM

gahurts

Thank you. I'm doing my best to eat some food daily. Ice water has been my best friend now. I really appreciate finding this group because I need all the support I can get. I've had a great group of friends helping me as well. I don't think I'd be able to talk about it and function as well as I am without them. The pain isn't any less and my emotions are totally out of control. I hope this group will help me conquer it all.

I had two people ask me about seeing a doctor yesterday and I honestly did not give it a thought before then. I just figure time will heal this, but I just hope sooner than later. I want this nightmare to be over.

mof2 posted 3/22/2014 13:49 PM

((((Left out))))

I am so sorry that you are finding yourself here, but know that we all understand your pain. Your WS has definitely drank the koolaid and is apparently in a crazy fog.

I couldn't agree more about what gahurts told you. Please read The Healing Library and do a 180. I know since it is early that do still have to have contact with each but keep it business like. No contact should be the ultimate goal for your own healing.

Unfortunately our stories are very similar. Mine was also very loving and left me the sweetest Valentine's card the day he left for two weeks of work offshore and then called me on the phone 12 hours later and asked for a divorce. He denied having an affair even though I had proof of OW and they are together now. She was also married.

We are all here for you. You will find so many encouraging folks on SI with very helpful advise.

Please take care of YOU! Remember that this has NOTHING to do with you. He has done this. In the beginning the BS will ponder for hours what THEY did to deserve what is happening to them....the answer in the end is always nothing!

Please hang in there, be strong, and keep your chin up!

4everfaithful83 posted 3/22/2014 15:25 PM

Sorry you are here LeftOutintheCold!

First know that you did nothing wrong. An Affair is a reflection on the other person, not you.

I'm going to give you some tough love right now!

Have you exposed the A to the OW BH? If not, I would do so immediately. He has a right to know! Do not take your WH word that the BH knows either. MAKE SURE HE KNOWS.

The A "just happened" as he puts it. Says he didn't mean it to happen.

This is bullshit. Nothing just happens. Every day we make choices. Some small, and others big. Having an affair is a choice. They do not just happen. EVER.

I truly think it's all emotional and don't believe it has been physical.

Why? Did he tell you this? Remember that he will lie to you every chance he gets. Anything he can say or do to make HIM look like not such a douche bag, he will do. Go get an STD test immediately!!! Based on her previous infidelity issues I would find it hard to believe that they have not been physical.

If your WH thinks he doesn't want you in his life anymore, the best advice I can give it to give him exactly what he ask for. Practice the 180 and worry only about yourself. You need to be OK whether he want to be with you or not.

It's easy for your WH to say he doesn't want you in his life because he's in the fog, and you are still around, waiting for him. Its funny how their tune usually changes when you actually give them what they want. I am not saying that your WH will come back (although he might) but by practicing the 180, you will be prepared for anything. Who knows...maybe when he wants you back, you won't want him? You never know...

come back often! The SI community rocks...and everyone is here for you!!

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/22/2014 15:26 PM

mof2 - Thank you for your words of support. I'm so sorry to hear your story too. I know each is unique but I'm sure all of our pain, confusion, devastation is the same on the inside. How dare these people play with us like that?? I guess there is no real answer to that, but I still can't help and wonder why?? Why does it have to happen? What did we ever do to deserve the pain we are being put through?? Where did I go wrong?

I'm going to try real hard to do the 180. I'm still afraid to let go completely because I don't want him to be gone. But, the sensible side of me totally gets it. He walked away from me. He doesn't want to be with me so I shouldn't spare him my time anymore. He can't be allowed to feel that what he did to me was alright. I know we'll never go back to the way we were because it's gone. And I need to accept that.

cluless posted 3/22/2014 16:00 PM

I'm so sorry this has happened in your life. I know with me I was in denial for a full year before I was receptive to hear the whole truth. Maybe I couldn't take it, it might have pushed me over the edge.

Finding out the person you trusted and loved the most in this world was somebody else can knock even the most stable person off their foundation. You basically go through the same process as a death. I'm not proud of the way I acted when I found out, I threw his stuff on the lawn, at one point I punched him in the face. I'm not a violent person, but I felt so violated. I looked at him and said "who are you?"

We all make choices, and many think they can have their cake and eat it too. Whether he "planned" on falling in love or not, he should NEVER have put himself into that position in the first place. This has NOTHING to do with you. He has issues that he will need to address. This OW & him (if they wind up together, has less than a 3% chance of surviving.) So, if he goes down that road, he and she will get what they have coming.

In the meantime, you are the most important person in this equation (unless you have kids). What helped me is was writing and reflection. It's not easy to look at ourselves and our part into what happened. IT WASN'T YOUR FAULT! But there is a lesson to be learned here, find it and grow from it. You sound like you are far more put together than I was, so I applaud you for your strength. There are support groups, IC that can guide you through this. Some GREAT books that will answer some of your questions as to "why" this happened. Unfortunately, we all have a similar story and you have a painful journey ahead. But you WILL get through this and will be a stronger and better person for it.

mof2 posted 3/22/2014 16:13 PM

Know that the "internal" pain that you feel will go away! I found that to be the absolute worst part and crying was the only way to release it. When you feel you need to cry.....cry! Don't go to him with your pain because from experience, it only makes the pain worse. He is extremely selfish right now and it is all about him.

PLEASE understand that you did nothing to deserve what he did to you. I found this very hard to accept in the beginning. It took him and his mother to convince me that I did nothing to deserve what happened. Your WS is in a crazy fog. I'm sure you are probably in a fog right now as well, but it will gradually clear.

Have you told OW husband? I agree with 4everfaithful. I knew and didn't tell OW's H because my family wanted my ex out of my life and he asked for nothing because of his guilt and my family wanted it to stay that way. With that being said, I felt a lot of guilt after OW's H figured it out and contacted me 4 months in. I have had to live with the fact that if I would have contacted him immediately that I could have kept a family from tearing apart.

I check SI often during the day, so if ever want to just vent you are more than welcome to PM me. I know it is painful but just know that you will get through it!!!

momentintime posted 3/22/2014 16:14 PM

He is gone, at least in his head. So show him what gone really means. Stop talking to him. Right now he thinks he can have you as his friend. NOT, friends don't treat us this way. He is choosing her, so let him find out what that means WITHOUT you as his safety net. As long as he thinks you are waiting and not moving on, he feels he can come back if things go wrong with her.

He needs to feel you gone. He needs to understand what consequences are. As we say..you can't nice him back, and you need to risk the M to save it. As long as he can call and you cry together, and he feels free to say he loves her, he will continue to confirm you are waiting for him if he changes his mind (or she drops him!). Don't be his safety net.

Cut him off, no phone calls..let him email you or text, but don't answer unless it is about finances and kids (if you have them). Give him no clue as to your emotions. Let him start guessing if he has lost you. It may just wake him up, and if not you have started on your journey moving forward. I know this will be hard to do, but if you don't change your reaction, he is gone.

[This message edited by momentintime at 4:17 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]

mof2 posted 3/22/2014 16:58 PM

^^^^^^^.......agree! agree! agree!!!!!

mof2 posted 3/22/2014 17:01 PM

My execs best friend told him me alone so he did. I caved with no contact and it totally satisfied him and said the only reason he didn't cave is because his friend told him to leave me alone. He was happy when I reached out and only made it worse for me. He knew he still had me.

dailyflowers posted 3/22/2014 17:24 PM

(((HUGSSSS)))

you have found a wonderful place you never wanted to be!! the wonderful folks at SI helped me in ways I can never vocalize after my DDay.

read lots, post often. you may not think so at first, but it will help. even just the opportunity to have verbal diarrhea with no fear of judgement is here!!

Just a couple of weeks before Dday, he was telling some people how we had gotten married and how much fun it was and all the things we do together. Just a couple of weeks before. I don't understand what has happened. He never gave me a clue that he didn't love me and our life anymore.

this statement really struck a chord in my heart!! three days before my DDay, H and I were having dinner and I remarked "we've had our ups and downs, but after 25 yrs, we have finally gotten to the point where we feel "we made it"

then I noticed he was sending a text as he was going into the bathroom. He never texts, so it piqued my curiosity, and, as it was close to the holidays, I snooped our phone records to see who he was texting, hoping it would give me an idea of a possible surprise present. and well, let's just say curiosity does indeed kill the cat.

anyway, I just wanted to let you know you are not alone, there are many of us here, and many with much more experience than I, who will have your back, hold you up and give you hope in those times it just seems so hopeless.

(((MORE HUGS))

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/22/2014 19:16 PM

Thank you all so much!! It has brought tears to my eyes just reading what you have told me and pointed out. Beginning tonight, as he left from stopping by tonight, I'm no longer going to be available to him. Everything makes sense that he needs to know what he walked away from. I knew when I said goodbye to him tonight, from my end, it was for real. I know I need to risk this M in order to MAYBE save it. It breaks my heart all over again. (He had come by to take care of some outside stuff that I complained about earlier this week). It's not fair that he walked away and left me with all this crap still surrounding me here in "our" home. Anyways, it also kinda feels good to know that I made that choice this time and it wasn't his. I know I'm a good person and that I never did anything to warrant this betrayal. Things weren't perfect, but I didn't deserve this heartbreak. What's meant to be will be. I'm so glad I found this group!! I hope to be able to help others like you all are helping me so far! My heart still hurts and I still can't eat, but I am still getting up each day and doing the best I can.

mof2 posted 3/22/2014 19:44 PM

Something tells me that "in the end" you will not want to save it. Point blank....he is not worthy of you. The day my ex asked me for a D I went to counseling. She handed me a piece of paper and told me to write down all the hurtful things he had done to me and all his bad traits. Do it and when you feel pain, read it! And journal everything and read that as well. I wrote my ex the longest letter while in intense pain thinking one day I would send it to him to try to make him understand. It finally got to a point where I could have cared less and didn't send it. As painful as it feels now, you will get there.....I promise!!!!!

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/22/2014 19:48 PM

Mof2 - I did start a letter to him earlier this week, but didn't get far. I do believe in writing as a catharsis, I just can't bring myself to put it into words to him yet. Just writing on here has been a tremendous help. It's still too early for me to look too far down the road as I still hate to look at the day facing me each morning. I'm taking it one breath at a time.

mof2 posted 3/22/2014 20:24 PM

Because you are still in a fog. You have been blindsided...the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. I was in a marriage where my ex H was very vocal about how much he loved me.....much like yours. The pain is unexplainable in the beginning, but I promise, promise, promise you....it will end. The week my happened I was driving down the road (ran a stop sign without even thinking) and was on the phone with my sister crying and said "I just want a week, a month, a year to go by". She said "it will"...and it has and made such a difference. Always keep in your head (because it is truth), this had nothing to do with you! All him!!!!!!

LeftOutintheCold posted 3/22/2014 20:36 PM

I think I ran a stop sign yesterday because I saw a work truck like his coming towards me and I was so distracted. I honestly don't remember stopping. I have also found myself saying that I wish the time has already passed so that I can be better. Yes, I'm really in a fog. Nothing seems real right now and I'm having a hard time even caring about anything. I do my best at work but even then it's a struggle. I just want to wake up one morning and be happy again. All in due time, I know.

brkn_heartd posted 3/22/2014 20:44 PM

Welcome, there is great support here. I am glad you found us.

First, take care of yourself. As already said, make sure that you are eating and drinking. It is hard to do sometimes, but make sure what you are eating is nutritious.

Remember, you did not cause this. No matter what he says this is not your fault. You each could have done things better (as in all marriages) but you didn't chose to cheat. He did. That is not acceptable. My H and I didn't fight. While I was proud of that for years, I realize that in the long run, that was a bad thing. That actually meant that we were not talking about things we should have been. Conflict is normal. We found that we suppressed our emotions so not to have a fight.

See a doctor and be tested for STD. You can bet they were physical. Has the A been exposed? Does her H know about it? The more light that is exposed, the less "magical" it is. The advice you were given about the 180 is spot on. Take care of yourself, and remember it is for you to heal not him. Make your self unavailable. Go to no contact with him except for finances and children. Do not respond to his "I love you's". He is still in a fog and he needs help getting out. My H didn't get it until I told him I was ready to divorce. I do advise you to see an attorney to find out what your rights are. It wouldn't hurt for him to know you went. That might pull his head out of his tush. I did my H.

It wasn't until I stood up for myself and would no longer be walked on, that he changed. I was ready to divorce him 4 years ago. Now, we are better. I am rebuilding my trust in him. It is slowly coming back, but it is coming back.

Keep posting, the pain does ease. Surround yourself with support. It makes all the difference in the world.

mof2 posted 3/22/2014 20:51 PM

You will. I know it doesn't seem possible right now, but I promise that it will! This makes my heart hurt! It is such a surreal feeling and trying grasp it is so hard and doesn't make sense.....right now! I can't reiterate enough that you will get there. We are all here for you!!!!! Know that you have arms wrapped around you from everywhere.

LifeIsBroken posted 3/22/2014 21:02 PM

Left: (1) Lean on your IRL friends. Let them help you through this mess. I would have been insane without so many good friends to support me and to try to make sense of the senseless infidelity mess. (2) KEEP A JOURNAL. Every day, write what happens, if anything, between you and your WS…. if he stops by to repair something, says something, texts/emails something, anything, put it on paper and keep the emails, etc. (3) Go through all your financials; make copies of everything and give them to a friend for safekeeping. Also, I would suggest you either change the locks or put an interior lock on your outside doors. He doesn't get to come and go at his discretion; he chose to leave and that means he no longer lives there. Do it because 'you need to feel safe, you can no longer trust him to do the right thing. And you sure can't trust the slut he's messing with…. you can only protect yourself.'

You didn't mention whose family owns the company he works with…. his family or yours ? I would request a copy of those emails; you don't say what state you're in but sometimes it makes a difference when using infidelity as a reason for filing for D, should it come to that.

It sounds as if the OW is vindictive and also probably calling the shots if your WS can go from 'I love you' to leaving so quickly. If I had it to do over again, I would have filed for D immediately after learning of the A. AND I would make sure the interim includes spousal support from him. Otherwise, the OW will have her cleats in any money available; your needs will come after hers.

Make sure the OW's BH knows what's going on. He needs to know so he can protect himself from her. And, out your WS to anyone you know. When no one acknowledges the A, the A partners suffer no consequences. I think we're all so shell shocked when it happens, we don't want anyone to know. Big mistake. AP's don't have so much fun when it's out in the open; when it's not a secret it becomes less exciting for them.

Finally, 180, 180,180. It's so important for you. Don't cut him ANY slack. As hard as it is, use your head, not your heart. ((((Left))))