Just two weeks ago my life was normal. Maybe not perfect, but good. The morning of DDay started out like any other and I was very happy that particular morning. We said our "I love you's", "have a great day" and "see you this evening" as we always did as we left for our jobs. That afternoon after I got home from work, I was still extra happy and was working on getting supper ready. He came home just a little earlier than normal and he was a shade of grey. I asked like I always do, how the day went and he said fine, but I need to talk to you about something. He also told me that I may want to stop what I was doing, which was cooking our supper. At this point, my heart dropped to the ground and I thought he was going to tell me that he just lost his job and was preparing myself to handle the news. We went into our bedroom and as I sat down to listen to him openly and receive the news as best as I could, I NEVER dreamed to hear the words that came out of his mouth. "I've been having an affair".
I did know exactly who it was with as they were coworkers and I hadn't been able to stand hearing him say her name for quite a while. I guess my instincts knew for a very long time, but my heart and head trusted him beyond a shadow of a doubt. I did a lot of screaming, yelling, slamming, crying, vomiting while he just sat there. He kept telling me he was sorry and that he never meant for it to happen and was crying too. After a while, I calmed down and asked him what happens next? Then he dealt me the next blow - he has fallen in love with her. After I vomited some more and calmed down again, I asked how to work this out. We have been together for over 10 years, married for almost 5 of them. I couldn't see how all of this was gone, that we have too much of a foundation to just walk away from it. Then he tells me he doesn't want to fix it. At that moment, my heart shattered the last few pieces that were still holding together. All I could do was look around our house and see all the pictures on the wall, all of "us" just surrounding me. I couldn't believe it was suddenly all gone. He just told me he loved me that morning. We had plans for the upcoming weekend. He said he never wanted to tell me and that he was so sorry. But he still took a bag of clothes and left to go to his dads. I was in a state of shock and didn't know where to turn next. All I could do was cry and cry and cry.
The other blow to this story is that the OW was my familys' friend for over 20 years and she knew us well. And she's married too - has been for longer than us. Because she was a family friend, we know her history. She's cheated before and got caught and her family stayed together through it. She has also told my family that she doesn't believe in humans just having one mate for life.
This A was found out because she had gotten fired from our family company a couple of days before Dday happened to me. They were going through her emails the day after she was fired to see if there were any outstanding work emails to be dealt with. That's where they found emails between her and my husband. Then they searched the server and found even more emails between her and numerous other men. Mine just got stupid enough to fall for her games.
I have not been able to eat much. I've just gotten better at sleeping because I'm just exhausted from breathing every day. I've been in touch with my WH since that day because there are still things to be taken care of here at the house. Not to mention that I'm totally dependent on him financially. I have a little job, but it's not enough for me to stand on my own. I still need money from him and the house/animals still need taken care of. Every time we talk, he's in tears and keeps apologizing for hurting me. I cry too. I'm not ready to give "us" up but he keeps telling me he's fallen in love with her and can't change it. In the same breath he says he still loves me and that he didn't do this because he hates me. The A "just happened" as he puts it. Says he didn't mean it to happen. I truly think it's all emotional and don't believe it has been physical.
He has not given me any answers as to why or how this has happened. I'm so lost and confused and all I want is to have our life back. I can't find joy in anything. I can't see a future without him. It's so hard not hearing his voice after hearing it daily for over 10 years.
Just a couple of weeks before Dday, he was telling some people how we had gotten married and how much fun it was and all the things we do together. Just a couple of weeks before. I don't understand what has happened. He never gave me a clue that he didn't love me and our life anymore.
Yes, we have been struggling with some life issues, but who isn't? Finances aren't great, we have an adult child who's moved back home and has been making it stressful here, and we both haven't been happy at our jobs. But through that all, I didn't think we weren't happy with each other. I saw us as a team, hoping to make it through this struggle, and that life would get better in time. We just had to make it there - together.
I'm am devastated that all that I thought we had was just a dream to me. I feel like such a fool for having loved so deeply and blindly. Since Dday, he has told me that he's never been able to talk to me as I get too defensive when he tries. I apologized and said I didn't realize that I made him feel like that, but to know in my heart that I never meant to push him away. I also told him that I'm sorry if I ever made him feel taken for granted, but to realize that I have felt taken for granted many times too. He then also tells me I never trusted him anyways. I can't remember all the babble he said pointing out the ways I didn't trust him, but in that moment I knew it was the OW talking. Uh, if I didn't trust him completely, I would NEVER have allowed myself to become so dependent on him for everything.
We were best friends, having all the same common interests. We never fought. Ever. We spent all our time together because we truly enjoy each others company. In just the past couple of months he has told me that he has had guys ask him why he doesn't go hang out with them and he's told them, "because I like going home to my wife and I love spending time with her". This was just in the past couple of months.
I wish I could know what went wrong. What did I miss? Do I keep trying to hang on to him? I don't want to lose him and want desperately to work out whatever was wrong. I feel our foundation is too deep and invested to just throw it away over this. I believe he truly made a mistake and we could build "us" all over again.
However, right now, he's still insisting that he loves the OW and can't change it. He doesn't want to give me "false hope", but we are still in contact with one another. I'm afraid to not hear from him. I'm very angry with the OW, but have yet to find any real anger towards him.
What do I do next??