I sometimes feel like I just can't believe in forever anymore. I love my SO. I would like to marry him, even. But I can't seem to convince myself that he's NEVER gonna leave me. Feels like that would be a fairy tale and a half.
It's more like I find myself wondering what it would be like... IF. What would it be like if I didn't think it was temporary. What if I actually believed that when people say I love you they mean it more than just in the moment?
I think life is full of uncertainties. I understand that better than ever now. So I don't let myself believe that things could "never" happen or are "impossible" because I've had that mentality before and was proven wrong.
I don't think I will ever believe that a future SO could "never" leave me or hurt me in some way. Could it be very unlikely or improbable, if I choose the right man? Sure. But I will "never say never" again.
I hope that doesn't prevent me from enjoying things in the moment as they happen.
And suddenly I see...what I lost ain't no loss.
-Richie Kotzen, "What I Lost"
And now we've been together for a little over 4 years. Forever looks different to me than it did when I was 19 and met ex. Forever looks different than when I was 45, and divorcing ex. But at least I can see SO and I being together forever, in this new version of forever I have in my head.
Or not together. As long as it didn't end because of infidelity or some other type of abuse, if we ended it, I would still consider it a blessing that SO had been in my life for as many years as he has been. But yeah, at this point, I'm really hoping what we have together is forever.
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
[This message edited by gahurts at 7:20 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]
"Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway." - Aubrie
I would not have remarried if I didn't think it could last. And I'm very happily remarried.
WH#2 (SorryinSac)- Killed himself in our home 6 days after being served divorce docs.
XWH #1 - legally married 18yrs. 12+ OW (that I know of).
I edit often for clarity/typos.
But yeah, at this point, I'm really hoping what we have together is forever
Me too. You guys make an adorable couple
End of t/j
1. Look at our spouses and how much time and we still didn't know. There are no guarantees.
Would you trade the ability to love freely? I figure I met my ex at his best and she is getting someone who is broken. I am grateful for what I had. If it is meant to be then it would be icing in my life.
2. If I took the time I needed to be comfortable and it still went off course I know I am strong enough to handle it.
For me I am hoping I know but I don't ever think anyone can know 100%.
Don't push yourself either way. When it is time you will know.
[This message edited by fireproof at 9:50 PM, March 22nd (Saturday)]
I tend not to plan for anything anymore, and I find it quite liberating
Divorcing - at last!
Last fall we got engaged. No plans for M until his son gets settled in HS (2-3 years). Then he will move in with me (we live an hour apart). Honestly I've panicked more in the past 2-3 months than I have in the past years. But I've been reading some books about combining families (we both have kids) and I'm slowly calming down. I am thankful for the long engagement, I think I need it
I think of "forever" like Schrodinger's cat. Maybe its alive maybe it isn't at any particular moment in time. I believe in the concept of forever. I want forever. I went into my M thinking it was forever. In reality, from day one, it wasn't forever. I just didn't know it at that point in time.
A gazillion things could have changed the path along the way and X and I could have been forever. Do I know what they were? No, not all of them. Would some of those potential changes in the path of my M, been bad for me? Yes absolutely. And some of the gazillion things that could have happened differently that might have given us 'forever' might have been great.
Now I embrace the "maybe". The possibility of forever is with us. Who knows what will happen to our lives? We both have children, jobs, families, divergent interests, health issues, ect ect ect. So who knows? I approach every day with him as another day along the journey to 'forever'. However, I do know that forever isn't a guarantee. It isn't a reason to be in my realtionship. I live in the now with my relationships. Forever is something that will build out of that. Of course, after 3+ years I have more faith that we can make it through hard times and get to forever. After 3+ years I have more objective evidence of that than I did at 1 year.
It doesn't lessen the quality of my relationship. I love him deeply, completely, fully, passionately. I view each day with him as valuable so if it ends before we get to forever it won't have been life wasted.
Its your life, your own experiences, your own values. Live your life and relationship as it feels normal and right to you. The concept of forever isn't a requirement unless its a requirement for you.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
The plus side to it never going away? I'm more aware of potential problems and things that are important to keep a marriage going and happy. I'm always striving for more communication from SO. I'm striving to speak my mind and not be passive-aggressive. There will always be room for improvement, but I think as both partners continue to work on their relationship, there is hope for forever.
We are talking like we are planning on forever because we can't plan on quitting in x number of months, years, decades. I think it is possible to be together forever. But I whether it will really happen, not just physically together but emotionally together, I just don't know.
I just realized recently that not allowing myself to plan on creating a life with him, not trusting us, was getting in the way of me moving forward and feeling like I can envision a positive fulfilling future.
So I am just starting to open up to that thought of forever together and how that might look. It's taken me a really long time to take us seriously because I just havnt had the trust or relationship confidence after all the crap of the A, S, &. D. I know what you mean when you say its hard to really imagine forever.
But neither of us pushed the trust, it has taken the time it's taken and that's ok. I will just keep letting it unfold its own sweet way and try to be as self aware and conscious and communicate as best I can along the way.
I believe that he is my forever man, but make no mistake that my eyes are wide open. He knows that I will not tolerate any BS, especially when it comes to infidelity. He knows that an A whether it be an EA or a PA is a deal breaker.. I WILL NOT TOLERATE IT IN ANY FORM... if he choses to do it then he knows I am gone, period.
I think the question is more one of feeling comfortable in the relationship and making plans for the future. After what we have been through, we KNOW that nothing is sure. But, we also know that we can handle whatever life throws at us.
So you have to enjoy RIGHT NOW. Plan for the future, knowing it might not come the way you hope it will. Trust until or unless you are given a reason not to trust. If you close yourself off to possibilities because of fear, you are not fully living.
Sending strength and peace.
I don't really have anything to add to this conversation all of 2 months from my d-day, but I am closing in on my D being final, and I've let my mind start wandering towards the future. I know I am nowhere near ready for a new relationship, and I'm both looking forward to and a little nervous about what lies ahead for me. My goal isn't to make me the best partner I can be for someone else, but to make me the best me I can be for me and let the rest take care of itself. That said, it's good to read positive stories of new beginnings and relationships.
I know there are no guarantees in life, but thank you all for giving each other the strength to try, to put yourselves out there, and to show it is possible love again after being so betrayed. It is an inspiration.