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Newest Member: 2ndtimernd (45746)

User Topic: Your thoughts welcome
Branca
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 4:56 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hello all. Sadly I'm joining the club.

My H and I married in 2001. We have 2 lovely children. Early 2013 I overheard him talking on the phone to a female friend, using a tone of voice I recognised - a tender, loving tone of voice that he used to use with me when we were courting.

I pulled him up on it and he told me they were just friends and that he was advising her on her difficult relationship. He and she had a brief teenage relationship and they kissed. I warned him not to inadvertently mislead her or say/do anything inappropriate. And then I continued to do what I have always done - I trusted him.

The phonecalls seemed to stop. But in August 2013 I accidentally discovered a FB conversation between him and her, which clearly showed a cheating relationship.

The bottom dropped out of my world. I did a bit of internet research, gathered all my strength and started to address it with him. He claimed he wasn't cheating because he says there was no sex. I went through a website with him with advice on how to re-build our relationship. We were planning to go on FB together for him to draft a NC letter to her. I then realised that I hadn't seen their entire conversation and I started to scroll down. He quickly took over and deleted it even though I said no. He said it was to save me from further pain, and that it only contained 'more of the same' of what I'd already seen. I went into shock because we had just read together that I needed his full honesty and disclosure, and here he was perpetrating a further deception - hiding the reality from me, ensuring I could never see it for myself.

I went into deep shock which took several days to even function as a person. I had to tell the kids I was sick.

Long story short, here I am months later. Still really struggling. I can't get all the relevant info into this one post, but I had to start somewhere. I live in a developing country in a remote area. There are no counselling services here. I have plans to move back to my country of birth (where there will be counselling services) but that will not happen till next year. In the meantime, I have to survive somehow.

Due to my religious beliefs, and of course the children, I want to save my marriage if at all possible.

He says they never had sex. But their FB conversation implied that they hugged and kissed. he says those references were to way back when they were teenagers, but I'm struggling to believe him, even though in practical terms I'm not sure how they could have met up to have sex. But it's possible. At the time I discovered the infidelity, I didn't realise I should have gone for STD testing... and I have slept with him since. Now wondering if I should still go for testing. How will he react since he thinks I believe him that they never got physical? I just don't know the truth.

Thank you all for being so supportive.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Uhtred
♂ 40392
Member # 40392
Default  Posted: 6:19 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Branca,

I hate to see that you've been put in this position like so many of us here. I don't have much advice other than to tell you it sounds like your husband is still lying to you. It's hard to reconcile with lies still in the way. Hell its hard to reconcile with remorseful person. Sometimes sorry just isn't good enough.

Someone will chime in and give you some sound advice. Keep your head up and keep swimming you'll make it to the shore sooner or later.


Me: BH 32years old DDay 4-29-13
Her: WW 33 years old
“Yet each man kills the thing he loves
By each let this be heard
Some do it with a bitter look
Some with a flattering word
The coward does it with a kiss
The brave man with a sword”

Posts: 627 | Registered: Aug 2013 | From: Houston, Texas
brkn_heartd
♀ 30396
Member # 30396
Default  Posted: 6:58 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First off, welcome. I am sorry you needed to join the club. However, there is much wisdom and support here.

Your gut is telling you there is more to the story. Your heart is telling you there is more to the story. Your husband's actions in deleting the FB message tells you there is more to the story. I would also not be surprised if he has gone underground and is hiding further contact. Listen to your gut.

As long as he is denying and is not fully disclosing to you your trust will not further develop. He has to EARN it back. What is he doing to help you? There is a difference in regret and remorse. Regret is being sorry for getting caught...remorse is demonstrated through trying to help you heal. His every action and every word should be directed towards your healing. Without that, you are not recounciling but just simply living together.

I encourage you to still go ahead and get your STD testing. If he gets upset, remind him that you trusted him not to cheat, but he did. In this case, he has lied to you before and he may still be lying. His behavior in deleting the messages shows that you cannot trust everything. You need to protect your heal. I would not have relations until you have been tested.

While divorce may be something that is not an option, it might be something to consider. The reason I say this, sometimes you have to be ready to end the marriage to save the marriage. It was not until I was ready to divorce that my husband finally got his head out of his tush and ended his A and came clean.

Keep posing. We are here for you! Take care of yourself.


Me-51 BS
Him 58-WS
Married 31 yrs, together 34
Affair Aug-Dec 09
official D-12/14/09
broke NC 1/31/10
second D 3/19/10

Posts: 1683 | Registered: Dec 2010 | From: Northwesten US
Deanna
♀ 26854
Member # 26854
Default  Posted: 7:08 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Branca,
I am sorry you are here. I understand how you feel. My husband had an affair with his childhood sweetheart. Hopefully you caught it before anything became physical. Gently though it can become physical much quicker when they have a past. It took me two years to believe they didn't have sex. Ask the same question thirty different ways. You will have a hard time reconciling if you don't believe you have the whole truth.
I can only tell you my story. My husband and I are over four years since d-day. Our marriage has never been better. If you are both willing to do the work the marriage can be saved. PM me if you ever need someone to talk to.


DDay - 11/4/09
BS-49 DDay
fWS-46 DDay
EA/PA with childhood sweetheart/ kissed
R - 11/25/09
Life is not a dress rehearsal

Posts: 1474 | Registered: Dec 2009 | From: Northeast
lastdance
♀ 42401
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 7:09 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

please do go get tested,,,,and from now on use condoms,,,do not let him say he is safe,,,,they lie,lie,lie.....this is your health and your life....only you can take care of it....when they cheat ,wifes are not in their minds,only the ow......yes there was an affair,,,,now you know what your husband can be capable of doing....now you know he has no boundaries,,,,marriage vows mean nothing to him....keep your eyes open

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
Getting to Happy
♀ 35200
Member # 35200
Default  Posted: 10:56 PM, March 22nd (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry that you had to join this site. But the folks here are caring and wonderful...full of wisdom.

He was cheating on you...Cheaters lie. He is lying about not having sex with this skanky childhood friend.

I think that you can restore deletes on Facebook. Also there is usually an email that captures all of the correspondence from Facebook. Look for it. Just don't tell him.

I know that you would like to have honesty in your marriage but right now this is war. And him not being totally honest with you WILL KILL your marriage.

So do your snooping with gusto!

Have you outed the OW to her husband or boyfriend? Or is she a single skank? If so let her parents and family know what she is up to.

Facebook will restore for a limited time. Also if it has not been too long since he deleted the info you can have the computer seen by a forensic geek to see if the info is still latently there.

I did this with great success!

I had and still have a burning desire to know my own history. And since I am tied to Mr. Happy through marriage I took great umbarage to him trying to dictate MY HISTORY. The nerve...cheat on me and then lie to save his own ass. I don't think so buddy!

What really struck me about your post is the way you figured it out...very same with me.

I heard him talking in our office with the same tones he reserved for me. That was the first DD.

And we went through alot of trickle truth. That is a marriage killer. He almost lost me.

He had to admit that he was a coward and when he saw me slipping away he had to come clean. He wrote me a timeline. Paltry as it was it confirmed what I had snooped.

I hope your WH can understand that not being honest at this moment will make or break the bond that tethers you to him. His choice to tell the truth BUT you get to choose how you process this info.

Exercise your power. You have the right to choose how your respond. Only you. Flex your power. Make your choice based on what is best for YOU.

Take care.


WS him
BS me DD's 26, 25' DS 23
dd1 1-1-10, dd2 Mothers Day 2011, dd3 3-12-12 Hawaii trip with ho-worker...

Never forget what is worth remembering or remember what is best forgotten.
Unknown


Posts: 1144 | Registered: Apr 2012 | From: La La Land
Branca
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 11:07 AM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your loving and supportive responses. It has really helped.

I mentioned STD testing to my husband. He still maintains they never had sex (but admits that he very likely would have, given the chance) and volunteered to go with me for testing if I choose. I haven't decided but it's good to know he didn't hesitate to support me in this. I guess he realises he can't expect me to trust him.

Since I discovered his cheating messages he's given me his passwords for his FB and his email. So that's positive too.

He seems willing to do what is needed, but he also seems a bit emotionally clueless, which I suppose is common for some men (not all men, I know). He seems like he needs me to take the lead in any kind of relationship work. But I can see he is trying to do his bit in terms of childcare and housework - practical things which I can appreciate. In the emotional department I guess I'll have to drag him along as he's not showing much initiative of his own.

I know it will be a long road but I have to try to repair this marriage. Right now though, having read some of your experiences, I believe if he throws away this second chance he's been given, he won't be getting a third one!

God bless you all.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 12:22 PM, April 1st (Tuesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry Branca. It sounds as if your concerns are being heard by your WH--that's really good. Building up trust is a long process, but you can make it together. He needs to figure out that he crossed a huge boundary, to understand why he needed that external validation and obtained it in such a cowardly way, and to heal; himself too by learning to focus on you, on the M, on your kids--on real life, not some fantasy.

Keep hanging in there.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4203 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
NeverAgain2013
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:02 AM, April 2nd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I mentioned STD testing to my husband. He still maintains they never had sex (but admits that he very likely would have, given the chance) and volunteered to go with me for testing if I choose. I haven't decided but it's good to know he didn't hesitate to support me in this. I guess he realises he can't expect me to trust him.

Well how big of him to go with you.

Since HE'S the one who created this mess and HE'S the one who compromised yours and his sexual health, shouldn't it be HIM getting swiped, swabbed, poked, jabbed, prodded and invaded by the STD doctor? I sure as hell would make that an absolute condition of reconciliation. Let HIM experience it first.

We were planning to go on FB together for him to draft a NC letter to her. I then realised that I hadn't seen their entire conversation and I started to scroll down. He quickly took over and deleted it even though I said no. He said it was to save me from further pain, and that it only contained 'more of the same' of what I'd already seen.

Like all cheaters, he's a LIAR. You haven't heard the whole truth, and he's lying through his teeth to you. Like all liars, he'll only admit to what you absolutely know, and nothing more. So typical.

Here's where you can even the playing field, Branca.

I understand up in the account/profile section of every Facebook account there's an option called, "download my data." From what I've heard, engaging this option brings BACK all the prior deleted messages, friend invitations, comments and likes and so on and so forth. In orther words, it 'undeletes' what's already been deleted.

Sure your husband had no problem giving you his FB password - he'd already deleted the damning evidence, told his 'friend' to no longer contact him via Facebook, and figures he's safe going forward. Well, he obviously isn't aware of this "download my data" feature that can MAKE IT ALL COME BACK.

If I were you, I'd find a few free hours when I'd be alone and I'd log into his account and go up into the account settings and engage the "download my personal data" option.

DO NO TELL HIM YOU ARE DOING THIS!!

You need to stop tipping your hand to him because all you're doing is giving him ammunition to cover his tracks better. So DON'T TELL HIM If you choose to log into his Facebook account and do this. But you do need to make sure you have a few hours alone because I understand it takes a few hours for this data download to complete.

I'm really sorry, but he's acting JUST like every cheater I read about here on SI who claims they didn't have sex with their OW. 99.9999% of the time, that's a lie. He didn't delete those messages to 'protect' you, he deleted them to protect his OWN ass, plain and simple.

I'm a firm believer in that you can't truly reconcile when you're still being lied to.

I hope you're able to get the rest of the story from his Facebook account.

Good luck to you.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 1900 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
Branca
♀ 42837
Member # 42837
Default  Posted: 10:20 AM, May 7th (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just wanted to update you all. I did go ahead and try the data dump from FB as you so kindly advised me. And yes, I did it without his knowledge and covered my tracks. It took a couple of attempts but it finally worked.

I combed through the stuff very carefully. Unfortunately, the messages with OW#2 were gone. I think it disappeared when he unfriended her and deleted all messages. I do recall, upon him deleting, FB did give a warning that it would totally remove the records which would not be recoverable.

Her comments on his photos still remain, as they were in the public domain anyway, but all their private messaging was gone.

Her name was on a list of 'removed' friends, along with OW#1. So, it was worth a try, but I have to accept now that I can't 'undelete' those conversations. I feel a bit flat but feel good that at least I tried.

Anyway, I tell myself that what I did see was evidence enough. Seeing more of their teenage conversations or finding evidence that he slept with one or the other of them would not make a huge difference at this stage. The betrayal happened and that is what I'm dealing with.


Me: BW, 36
Him: WH, 36
Married 13 years
2 children aged 9 and 5

DD #1 26 August 2013 - EA on FB and phone with a former flame OW#2 for about 8 months
DD #2 30 April 2014 - EA/PA for 10 months in 2011 with OW#1
Hoping for R


Posts: 119 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 10

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