SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

gotmylifeback posted 3/22/2014 21:41 PM

Each WS has their own reason for having an A. Validation, sex, etc. On SI, I have seen a few people say that they were looking for intimacy. It seems to be more of something that women tend to look for more than men. But, I dont want to generalize or stereotype.

So, what is intimacy? Is it just being close or connected to someone? A few WS have mentioned that they wanted intimacy, not the sex. And that the sex did not provide the intimacy they were wanting? So, what do you all think? What is intimacy?

cantaccept posted 3/23/2014 07:39 AM

I just saw this and I am surprised there were no responses.

Intimacy is what I was demanding for R. stbxwh definition of intimacy was sex.

For me, I needed honest expression of thoughts and feelings.

To be able to be honest and open with each other about those thoughts and feelings. To be able to share the core of who you are.

No pretending to be who you are not.

Trust each other with your vulnerablities as well as your strengths.

Also feeling safe in that expressing those deepest thoughts and feelings they will be protected, honored and not used to hurt you.

AFrayedKnot posted 3/23/2014 07:49 AM

I just bumped an intimacy post I really like in wayward
Check it out

somanyyears posted 3/23/2014 07:57 AM

..pulled out the dictionary..

"close in friendship or fellowship;familiar, confidential, pertaining to one's inner being; adhering closely; internal, inward; having illicit sexual relations.

..yup, WW was certainly being 'intimate' with who I thought was my bff

..not quite sure if I will ever know who her 'inner being' is after all this devastation in our lives..

smy

Flatlined123 posted 3/23/2014 08:05 AM

I agree Cant.

If you can't have that open communication, honest sharing of your feelings and being who you truly are, then there isn't true intimacy.

There was just a post about "pooting" that I laughed about. I pooted this morning and H did the same. I told him that he was the only one I felt comfortable enough around to do that. He laughed and used his saying of "we're like peas and carrots, we go together."

Knowing you know all the idiosyncrasies of each other, the good, the bad, ugly and the beautiful and still can be close and open....that's intimacy.

Skan posted 3/23/2014 13:38 PM

Glad that my post gave you an "intimate" moment, Flatlined!

Gads, my FWH and I just had a really heavy discussion about what intimacy meant to both of us. I was telling him that I needed him to be more intimate with me, he was offering what he thought of as being intimate, and we were not connecting. We had to sit down and really has out what ACTIONS I meant by intimate and what ACTIONS he meant. Because we were doing very well in the emotional part of intimacy talking to each other openly, seeking each other's thoughts and feelings, being careful of each other's feelings, but I wasn't getting what I needed physically.

And no, it wasn't about sex for either of us. It was the cuddling. The way the end of the night ended for each of us. The need for social time focusing on each other. The way we talked to each other. That intimate pair-bonding time that I felt we were just not reaching.

It goes back to, IMO, what does each of us really mean, really feel, when we say the word "intimate?" What do the actions look like, to each of us, when we state that we want that feeling between us? What are our expectations, spoken and unspoken? And what actions lead to deepening that feeling? All good questions that we need to ask ourselves and our SOs.

Scubachick posted 3/23/2014 18:41 PM

Would you say sharing secrets with someone is intimate?

gotmylifeback posted 3/25/2014 01:35 AM

I think that to have true intimacy, there can't be secrets. However, sharing a secret does not automatically create intimacy. I could share a secret with a complete stranger and still not know them. I believe intimacy comes with time and not just on a night after drinking too much. I think most A's never develop true intimacy. There might be exceptions but, real intimacy does not have to be hidden. And how can you have real intimacy when you are dividing yourself between two people?

blakesteele posted 3/25/2014 09:05 AM

Aaaahhhhh. It

blakesteele posted 3/25/2014 09:24 AM

Aaaahhhhh. Initimacy.

In to me see.

Adultery, like all sexual sin, is false intimacy.

In adultery a person is showing another exactly what they want them to see. When my wife "confessed" to her AP that "she just doesn't feel right about keeping her actions secret from me".....she thought she was opening up to another man, showing herself to him more fully then she could with me.

Turned out this was her showing him that.....yes, I am capable of serious deception and breaking my vows , but I am not really "that girl".

He answered with something like "I feel a little bad too but it is what it is....WE have something special".

Both people ALSO saw what they WANTED to see.....not the truths.

Due to respective FOO coping mechs inside both of us, we most likely never experienced true, deep, mature intimacy in our marriage.....and, quite frankly, struggle with intimacy outside of it as well .

What we are learning the hard way is that radical honesty and intentional living within our M are key components to the intimacy we have sought since childhood.

We are learning it the hard way, but at least we are learning it. Just because one ages does not mean they will mature .

While I did not commit adultery, I do have sexual sin (used porn) in my past. As I examine this......it was my attempt at attaining intimacy missing in my life.

Other focuses that limit intimacy in marriages are MANY......shopping, hobbies, work, kids, church.......all can be used to mask your need of and ability to obtain true mature intimacy. All are easier choices so are often chosen.

It is much harder to be radically honest.....to be vulnerable to another. Society tells us to be independent. Coming from D homes, independence was forced upon us. I believe one can only find and nurture mature intimacy via interdependence.

Mutually dependent. Not codependent, not independent....mutually dependent.

2 become one. Once you fully own that when one of you gets hurt, you both get hurt....I gotta believe better bonding occurs.

One thing my wife liked about her affair was how "easy " that relationship was.....how they could just come and go as it pleases them. He felt the same way....and he dumped her after the first 2 weeks of full on sex with her and found another woman to have another "easy" relationship with.

Wife and I are maturing our intimacy skills....but are still not sure we will recognize it when we get it.....but, perhaps this too is a continual process. Never fully attain it....but nurture it for a lifetime. Thus, the intentional approach to M I mentioned above.

God is with us all.

[This message edited by blakesteele at 9:39 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]