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Newest Member: wileyconfused (46027)

User Topic: Not the step I wanted
SeekingPeace84
♀ 42765
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 2:00 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Talked to WH tonight. He told me he cut things off with OW two days ago, but didn't want to tell me in case he "fell down into it again". When I broke down sobbing (with relief), he made it clear it was because he felt like he shouldn't be with anyone right now. And also said he wasn't moving back in anytime soon. It felt like a punch in the gut, but I had to remind myself that steps forward are often messy and ugly. They won't always be accompanied by lightbulb moments on his part, with him realizing just what he's done and how he should be amazed that I would give him another chance (if he meets my boundary guidelines, of course). I guess I was expecting a full turnaround--him cutting it off with her while realizing that it was me he loved all along. And then being willing to do whatever it took to heal and strengthen our marriage. I'm seeing now that that's not what our journey will look like.

Here's what I'm thankful for right this moment:
1.) He's not talking to the slutbag
2.) He's pursuing IC to sort through his issues, wounds and scars
3.) I am a f**king warrior. I am stronger than this garbage.
4.) No matter what happens, I will heal my hurts, uncover the damage in my life that made our marriage weaker, and let go of the past that still haunts me.
I might not feel like this tomorrow, but for tonight I'm resting in these things.

I pray for every other BS. May you find peace. Moments where it doesn't hurt to breathe. Friends and family who will take pieces of this burden and walk with you. And times of joy that break up the days of loneliness and fear.

Be strong, be courageous. Because your WS isn't right now.


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Jrazz
♀ 31349
Member # 31349
Default  Posted: 2:11 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

(((SeekingPeace84)))

No matter what happens, I will heal my hurts, uncover the damage in my life that made our marriage weaker, and let go of the past that still haunts me.

I like this.... but I don't want you to take responsibility for the A. Problems are one thing - there's no justification for cheating. Keep on the path of healing - just make sure to be gentle with yourself and allow as much time as is needed to get there.

[This message edited by Jrazz at 2:12 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)]


"Welcome the rawness of vulnerability as an opportunity to open." - Pema Chodron

Me: BW 35
Crazz: WH 33
Daughter: 4.5 Going on 16


Posts: 18682 | Registered: Feb 2011 | From: California
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 7:54 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I like the warrior comment. Thanks for the prayers too. I think we all need them. Not much to add just encouraging you in your walk. This site is great for helping.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Christy516
♀ 42546
Member # 42546
Default  Posted: 2:40 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

"I might not feel like this tomorrow" . Thank you for saying that. I confuse myself sometimes with my ever changing thoughts and emotions. It's hard to explain that to my WH. Hearing you say it makes me feel like I'm not alone.


Me: 44
Him: 39
DD: 1/5/14 (the final one)
Trying to recover

Posts: 218 | Registered: Feb 2014
BtraydWife
♀ 42581
Member # 42581
Default  Posted: 2:53 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your current attitude is great. Reflect back on it when you are feeling down.

Now-cut him off. If you don't have kids go completely NC on him. He wants to be away from you then show him what it's like. Find some stuff to do to occupy yourself if you feel lonely. Post here instead when you want to contact him.

Let him feel what not having you in his life is really like. Texts or emails only and only about kids and $. NO emotions or small talk.

Study and implement the 180 that's in the Healing Library.

You are doing better than you feel you are. Very proud of you.


Me-BW
Him-WH
DD-March 2010
TT for 6 months
Unremorseful for 3.5 years

Delay is the deadliest form of denial. - C. Northcote Parkinson

Your standards aren't up for negotiation just because he/she can't meet them.


Posts: 2586 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: United States
k94ever
♀ 11176
Member # 11176
Default  Posted: 3:16 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

eh.....my Bullshit meter just went off. It sounds like your WS is gas-lighting you.

sorry.


k9


BS: 56
WS: 53
Betrayed: 23 years
Affairs: 14 (2 lasted 3 months. Rest were ONS)
WS died: 16 May 2011
Do not stay in your hurt forever. Choose to move out of it.

Posts: 6635 | Registered: Jul 2006 | From: Wisconsin
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:31 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Focus on #3 and #4 to the exclusion of #1 and #2 right now. Detach and put your energy into your own healing. That is what you can control in this situation and the hopes implicit in your first two comments, while understandable, also makes you vulnerable to him. Now is the time to remember and build up your strength.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
LeftOutintheCold
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

seekingpeace84 - Your post is so full of positivity! Good for you!!! I am also reeling from a recent discovery (dday 3/6/14) and your words really struck a cord with me. This forum is such a great support group even though I hate that any of us have to be here. At least we are not alone.


Me - 42
WH - 40
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Headed towards Divorce

Posts: 332 | Registered: Mar 2014
gonnabe2016
♀ 34823
Member # 34823
Default  Posted: 8:59 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

he felt like he shouldn't be with anyone right now.

And also said he wasn't moving back in anytime soon.

This can either be a good sign on his part or a whole bunch of *stringingSeekPeace along* bullshit.

You need to be very careful not to get yourself too entrenched in the *pick me* dance. I fear that you are giving him way too much leeway and decision-making power. Him considering that he may "fall down into it again" is not really consistent with his proclamation that he feels like he shouldn't be with anyone right now.

Your WS needs to provide you with transparency during this period of separation. You need to have passwords to all of his accounts.....and even monitoring products on his electronics because nothing is going to blow this shit up faster than you *patiently* waiting for him to get his head pulled out of his ass, only to find out that he never stopped communicating with the OW.

Be strong and courageous for yourself. Don't shoulder the burden of this broken marriage and give him a free pass.


"Oh, what a tangled web we weave when first we practice to deceive." - Sir Walter Scott

In my effort to be *concise*, I often come off as blunt and harsh. Sorry, don't mean to be offensive.


Posts: 8252 | Registered: Feb 2012 | From: Midwest
SeekingPeace84
♀ 42765
Member # 42765
Default  Posted: 8:46 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all for your comfort, advice, input and just letting me know I've been heard. I read every word and am immensely thankful for this group of people who reach out when they don't even know me. Thank you!


Me: BS
Him: WH (3 month OEA)
Known each other all our lives, Together 5.5 yrs, Married 4 yrs.
D-day: 3/8/14
Separated 3/8/14 and currently seeking IC

Posts: 56 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: USA
Topic Posts: 10

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