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HarveyW posted 3/23/2014 08:38 AM

Well hell, I thought things were moving forward. This morning we had an athletic event pending weather. She gets text updates for cancellations in her phone. I looked at it while we were still in bed. I decided to do a spotlight search on her iphone for OM number. I haven't done any "investigating" for a while. Well, I found she has his number and home address hidden under another contact name. Shit. She had deleted all of his contact info, so I'd thought. It's not actual proof that they are in contact, but very suspicious. Do I ask her? Or wait it out?

yearsofpain25 posted 3/23/2014 08:45 AM

Good. I see this is in a new thread.

Clearly she is not being transparent with you. This is a BIG problem. IMO, I wouldn't wait it out and I would confront on not having transparency and lying. Other's are going to have much better advice that I on this topic. Didn't you start the 180? What happened? Maybe this is a good time to re-implement that. Before you do, is there any way you can search her phone based on the bogus contact info?

PurpleRose posted 3/23/2014 08:50 AM

I am not sure I would rush to confront. Waiting just a little bit might yield more information.

Do you have full transparency?

HarveyW posted 3/23/2014 08:55 AM

Things have been going great, so I thought. The parts of the 180 I implemented have helped in day to day life.

Her phone is clean besides the hidden contact info. The home address is the most troubling, as she didn't have that in his old contact info.

I am so fucking bummed. I really thought this was going to work out. I still do. I guess I have to confront her with it when she wakes up. We'll see...

HarveyW posted 3/23/2014 08:56 AM

I thought I had full transparency. And I was actually starting to believe it.

jb3199 posted 3/23/2014 09:14 AM

Harvey, you posted this (1) week ago:

Knowing she truly wants me and to be here with me has been what I've been looking for. I know beating her over the head with questions and revisiting all the lies and bad choices she made is not the way to achieve that. Only she can let me know by her actions. I know she had tried but I failed to accept it.

Has she really been trying? What are her actions telling you?

I know that you go from one extreme to the other on your WW, and that is not the most productive, but it is not that unusual. It is also NOT unusual when you described how your wife "shut down" emotionally under cross-examination, and was happy and engaging when you were nice to her.

You see the pattern, right? She is not showing you that she is *all in*. She is showing you, that if you back off the dealings with infidelity, she will cooperate. She hasn't forgot about his info in her phone. This is classic wayward behavior. I know that you want to reconcile so bad, that you are hesitant to push for the truth.

It starts with the *small* things, like this phone info. Then, after a little bit, a "little" breaking of NC. Then, more continued contact, and so on, and so on.....

My viewpoint may sound jaded, and I am one of the most trusting souls on the planet. Gullible to an extent. But watching your story unfold, I see a lack of remorse from where I sit. I see a man who is in great pain, desperately trying to get his life and marriage back on track---and a partner who still doesn't get it.

Harvey, you plan(hope) to spend the rest of your life with this woman. There is no reason to rush through something as devastating as infidelity. It will come back and bite you in the ass tenfold if it is not dealt with thoroughly right now.

You can do this. You need to delve deeper.

yearsofpain25 posted 3/23/2014 09:15 AM

Do you think there is a possibility that she's still seeing him?

ETA - or has plans in the future to see him?

In other words, why hold onto the contact info?

[This message edited by yearsofpain25 at 9:16 AM, March 23rd (Sunday)]

confused615 posted 3/23/2014 09:38 AM

The only reason to still have his contact info is to contact him. Either in the future, or now. My guess is she is still in the affair.

I'd lay low. VAR her car. Put spyware on her phone. If you confront now, and the affair is still ongoing, she will take it further underground.

craig2001 posted 3/23/2014 09:48 AM

Wait and see if you can find more information. The worst thing is for you to confront only to be able to lie out of it.

A lie with something like, oh, I forgot about that.

Can you tell when the last time that number or name was dialed or received.

Find out more, enough so that when you do confront, she cannot lie out of it.

Affairs continuing after DDay 1 are not that uncommon.

Does she have free time to meet the OM?

yearsofpain25 posted 3/23/2014 09:50 AM

The only reason to still have his contact info is to contact him. Either in the future, or now. My guess is she is still in the affair.

Exactly. I concur.

hatefulnow posted 3/23/2014 11:04 AM

Get a Google phone number. Place a message on it saying she is so busted. Replace OM number with the Google one and let her get an unpleasant surprise.

HarveyW posted 3/23/2014 11:24 AM

Well I checked back in for advice too late. Confronted her right out of the gate. Her story, she hid it there right after Dday when she deleted all other forms of contact. Of course she said she forgot. She insists there hasn't been contact and she has no desire for it. Of course I'm skeptical. I am pretty good at reading her, yes even through all the bullshit, I knew when she was lying. I think it is mostly true, except the "I forgot" part. I did change the number around so if she reaches out it will show up on usage as text. iMessage doesn't show up on phone bill. I have access to her contacts through iCloud and she doesn't know I do. I have been very consistent checking text usage daily since the whole thing started.
Very unlikely they could be meeting. He lives in a different state and works on another. Both are 10+ hours from us. I know that didn't stop them before, but in hind sight I knew of every meeting.
Anyway, probably should've waited. My gaurs is up and I'm very good at surveillance when I need to be. I'll keep you posted.
Thanks all.

HarveyW posted 3/23/2014 15:00 PM

I hope I don't sound too gullible or trusting. I'm not. I do know her very well. I KNEW SOMETHING was going on from day 1 when the A got physical. I just didn't have proof and tried to talk myself out of it. She has been very convincing today in her story of hiding the info back when all was fresh and she hadn't begun to "get over him". It makes sense to me. However, I will keep my guard up as I know there is a good chance she is lying. If she is, it's game over anyway. She knows this.
While I keep my guard up and sit back and watch (not necessarily listen). And continue on my goal to recovery. If she is being as honest as I actually do feel she is, we can keep moving forward. If not it will be proof her heart is not in it... game over.
I'm pulling for the former, but preparing for the latter to protect myself and my kids.

tushnurse posted 3/23/2014 15:09 PM

Dude have you been std tested and seen an attorney yet?
This is very questionable behavior from a WS That supposedly gets it.
I would urge you to VAR and GPS her car. I would also look for a burner phone. That seems the most reasonable way for breaking NC gives you the ability to search her phone and not get caught.

Protect yourself and guard your heart.

HarveyW posted 3/24/2014 09:19 AM

No on the STD or attorney. I know I should.
I'm sure I have everything covered as far a snooping goes. Like I said I am good at that unfortunately. All a result of this relationship. I do have a new suspicion that she may be contacting him through a friend of hers. There are many times she leaves to walk, run or have coffee with her and she always comes back a little different. It is the only friend that knows about anything (well besides a cum dumpster friend that encouraged her to go through with the physical stuff). She has no can't act with her anymore.
I'm of course hoping it's paranoia, but my gut hadn't been wrong yet. I may contact her friend's husband. I am casual friends with him and I think he would check phone records for me if I asked.
Any thoughts?

justinpaintoday posted 3/24/2014 09:40 AM

Harvey. Sorry to say this but if it looks like a duck and acts like a;s a duck. The truth is just stopping an affair is not always the cleanest thing. Should be, it's the right thing to do but being wrapped in an affair gets people acting outside their normal self. It is possible she forgot (I doubt it) but possible.

My opinion is she kept the number as an insurance policy because she wasn't 100% sure you guys would work out. Unconditional trust is gone my friend.

Everyone on this site knows how a successgful R works....transparency, IC, true openness and repentance. The truth is though most spouses (mine included) are not actively investigating how to heal those they have destroyed. They want the guilt to go away. Good luck and keep posting.

hopefulmother posted 3/24/2014 09:48 AM

Trust your instincts. Contact the friends husband. Besides, he may be interested in seeing how his wife supports affairs.

tushnurse posted 3/24/2014 10:54 AM


Sounds like you are good at snooping on the ways you know how, but unless there is VAR in her car, and a GPS on it, those times she is meeting with this friend could just as well be meet ups with OM.

I strongly recommend that you do the STD testing, and the Attorney sooner than later.
You need to get some strength, and knowledge will provide that. When you find out what your rights are, and that you are either clean, or not gives you power.

She is still very foggy, and you have yet to have severe and real consequences for her actions. Until you put your foot down, and say no more, to the lies, to the friend that isn't a friend of your M, to the lack of transparency, then she will continue.

It's time to put you first, because she certainly is not.
(((and strength))))

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