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How to find the good in this

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Dawn58 posted 3/23/2014 08:41 AM

HI all,

I went to this radical forgiveness workshop yesterday. it was interesting. One of the concepts there, was that in every situation, there is always good that comes from it. Well, in most of my life experience (with hindsight), I can see the good that came out of it.

I am really struggling with seeing what good has come out of Dday when my world came crashing down.

I do not want to get stuck in this anger, and pain over being deceived, lied to, trust broken and my heart shattered.

The good that I can see coming out of this situation is this: I found a strength I did not know I had. I have no idea how I came through the storm. The feelings of pain were so overwhelming, I could hardly breath through them. But I have. For 16 months, I have walked through the pain, rage and rawness.

I know I deserve more than a partner that lies, who is a coward and holds no respect for me or the promise he made to me. I know he is incapable of truly loving. I know that I am.

I enjoy what moments of peace I have in my life, I embrace the freedom that I feel at times. I really love that I don't have to please anyone but myself today. I can pursue my spiritual practice, I can take a walk on the beach, I can have ice cream for dinner, I can do homework at midnight, vacuum at 1 am, sleep when I am tired. No one wakes me up in the middle of the night to rub his back so he can go back to sleep (and I agreed to do it, would not sacrifice my sleep for another person again.).

I do grieve my old life, I miss my house and I miss my garden, especially in the spring. I miss being in love with someone. But my life now has a strong foundation, a reality that did not exist before.

Just wish that there was a less painful way to learn this......

Virginiagirl posted 3/23/2014 11:33 AM

Good for you, I think our hearts fight us when we look for silver linings because it's like "But wait! How can you be grateful for something when your entire life has been detonated?"

There is good, though.
I don't ever want to go back to the person I was pre-A. I'm glad for that, I really am. Even though I wish it hadn't happened that way, obviously.

This event completely changed my life path. But there's still a path, we are still moving forward on our unique journey. Follow where the road takes us.

It is so, so hard.

norabird posted 3/23/2014 21:53 PM

That is all a great foundation indeed. I'm glad the workshop was helpful for you. I'm sure the good will keep on showing more and more clearly as time goes on.

GotPlayed posted 3/23/2014 22:41 PM

@Dawn58, maybe the problem is the granularity? D-Day is missing the forest for the trees a little bit. The whole D-Day-to-D process (with all its midpoints) is what you should be focusing on, instead of a granular detail like D-day itself.

Here's some of the good in my case. Some of these probably apply to you.

- Freedom from the emotional torture (and complete freedom legally once D is final, which is coming pretty fast as STBXWW NPD girl is not looking at me for Narcissistic supply yet so she's not focusing on making my life miserable).
- The love of my kids was unchanged. I got them half the time which is awesome (they're sleeping in their beds at my new home right now, my sweetie pies).
- A peaceful home. No yelling, no fighting (stbxww would fight with MIL a lot and still does). I find my kids are much calmer here.
- A closer relationship with my own family, and with some of hers - my very moral sister-in-law switched sides, and I'm "her new brother". So I even got new family out of the deal.
- I used to work too much, now I make a point of going out every time I don't have the kids.
- Met a bunch of singles whom I do fun stuff with no dating pressure. Some are becoming fast friends. Some of the guys and gals went through this and I'm getting some serious help re-valuing myself, as they're much further in this than I am.
- I matter. After a relationship with what turned out to be a slighly NPD woman, I truly matter.
- I am much better at boundaries. With STBXWW and with others.
- I'm much more assertive.
- I found that I go to church with the kids because I want to, not because stbxww nags me to do it (she used to be the more religious of us, until she had to justify the A, that is). I'm tremendously more consistent in my faith, and my values, which were shaken and tested by her behavior as "one flesh" in spiritual terms, are iron-clad now.
- The knowledge that she got 3 chances. She blew them, not me. No matter what she says, I was compassionate and still am.

I also miss my old life. But I'd rather focus on the future. My heart is still a basket case - and believe me, it's a daily rollercoaster in my chest, but my brain is leading and doing things the smart way. Heart will have to catch up. At least when it's ready, the road will have been paved by brain.

That radical forgiveness sounds cool. I'm not at the point where I can forgive stbxww, but I understand what's going on with her (CSAB survivor, OM is one of her old abusers, ill MIL is another narcissist and now sober alcoholic+drug addict, all three of them are seriously narcissistic and damaged as a result), so I think forgiveness may happen after D, probably pretty shortly after. She's still responsible for the consequences of her own choices, but I do need to let go. All this brain work will help my heart let go, as it will have friends and good things to look forward to. As my IC says, if (and that's a BIG if) she works at it for a few years with an IC and truly heals, there's always remarriage.. After an iron-clad prenup and making sure MIL can't ever live with us again and OM is shipped to Siberia.

That is of course, if she can get her act together before I find someone else. Not saying I'm in a hurry or ready by any stretch of the imagination, but healthy, successful men my age tend to get picked up fast. Muahahaha!

Mercifully, I was always good at seeing silver linings.

StillLivin posted 3/23/2014 22:55 PM

There was no good from him crushing my heart.
However, I've chosen to get some positives from the situation.
I will forever after put myself first.
I will never accept for any excuse/reason poor behavior from another again.
I am working on improving myself. I'm back in school full time, and it's HARD BTW.
I'm better off by myself than with someone who was so damn selfish and immature. It still hurts, but it hurts less each day, and I realize what really hurts is the love I had for someone who wasn't really there. He wore a mask, and I loved the mask.

persevere posted 3/24/2014 00:26 AM

I haven't read all of the posts in this thread in detail, but my one gut response to this, after three years since Dday, is this:
I no longer feel that I'm missing anything from my marriage. I actually feel that he, unintentionally, set me free from his craziness, craziness that I didn't even realize affected me at the time. And, now, I am SO very grateful for it. Life does get so much better without the crazy my friends.

BAB61 posted 3/24/2014 00:36 AM

I was just talking IRL about forgiveness and how it's really for you. To heal you need to forgive those who have hurt you. There is no need to forget, but forgiveness is necessary! Thanks for this thread, it just really was what I needed tonight.

RedWheelBarrow posted 3/24/2014 01:00 AM

My DS had 2 auditions today. He was fighting the process, pre-audition. Hating the repetition, the nervousness, the dedication required to perform well, the *pain* of the thing. Now, that he's worked hard, and done both auditions, he is feeling very pleased with himself. Now, he decided to move through this process on his own - to achieve something. And we have a painful thing flung in our faces - and really have no choice but to do the work and move through it. But the end result is that we are better off, and more whole, and all this reflection leads to some very good insight and development.
Uhh... Right?
After a beer or two, that's what I got. :)
Still - I have trouble understanding what forgiveness is supposed to be. I may come out of this with more awareness, able to see myself and those around me more clearly, but I will not absolve him from his crimes against us. It will not happen.

alphakitte posted 3/24/2014 07:31 AM

Well, for one. . . No more talcum powder "poofies" on the upholstery!

Seriously, that guy is a walking bundle of deceit and pride. There's no room for anyone else in his heart. He's only a shell, scratch through that and there's no sunstance.

As time goes on you will flourish in your world of calm and positive accomplishments.

Stay the course, Dawn, there is much good to follow.

SBB posted 3/24/2014 07:46 AM

The good? I'm free.

The bad? I have to share my children with a lower muppet. I'm free - they are not.

There are lots of other goods - so many I never would have guessed in my wildest dreams. None are because of what he did to me - they are despite what he did to me.

I honestly think I was on my way to this well before DD - without a DD it just would have taken a few years longer. I was miserable for the last 5 years of that M, there's only so much gaslighting a person can do to themselves before they just can't.

Reminded me of another good - I dint waste 20, 30, 40 more years with that guy.

The moments of peace get longer and longer with each passing month. I no longer feel rage about what he did/does to me. My forever Achilles heel will be what he does to my girls. I'll never stop raging about that. I can find no good in that. None at all.

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