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Newest Member: Tigress5455 (45753)

User Topic: Foo & Betrayal
Starzjourney
♀ 41287
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 9:22 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Day before yesterday was a triggery day...it was the day my gut told me what my heart didn't want to confirm...

STBXWH was going to the store and DD asked if she could ride with him, he yelled at her and she ran off upset to her room...

I point blank ASKED him if he was doing "that" again...it started an argument. He called me crazy, said I was never going to let the past go and that I was hurting him by accusing him of doing "that" again...there were a lot more words slung around like complicated, unreasonable...

From my experience with his cheating I learned that what he said is typical...my head knows this but the other day I was an emotional wreck all over again and I couldn't figure out why.

My mom exited my life when I was 4...I grew up with my father and stepmom (dad's AP)...they always used to tell me how crazy my mom was, that she was worthless, unreasonable, complicated and a whore...the taught me to believe I was "just like my mother"...

I know my STBXWH betrayed me but beyond saying he betrayed my trust I could never quite figure out what that meant...

Now I do...STBXWH was so convincing...for the few weeks before accidently sending me a text intended for OW#1 (D-DAY) he had started spending more time with me...I began doubting myself, thinking I was crazy, complicated and unreasonable...that maybe the problem was me, that I was a terrible person for asking him if he was messing around again...

It hit me like a ton of bricks...he knew my Achilles heel and he used it in a terribly mean way to protect himself...man this hurts...who the hell was I married to...what the hell will it take for me to finally stop loving him...when do I get to meh???????


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 10:33 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What a POS. Sounds like you have grown immensely to be able to see what he is doing. It's a shock and probably hurts like hell, but you are wiser now.

Think about what you want to do with this information. Do you want to confront him? For what purpose? D or R? You have some difficult decisions to make now, but at least you're going forward with your eyes open.

((Starzjourney))


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1976 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Starzjourney
♀ 41287
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 11:59 AM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you for responding Gemini...

Think about what you want to do with this information. Do you want to confront him? For what purpose? D or R? You have some difficult decisions to make now, but at least you're going forward with your eyes open.

I did break NC and sent him an email last night...The purpose??? In the early days he so often said he felt he had no choice to do the things he has done because of "the way you (SJ) treated me (STBXWH)." I wanted to put into words to him what he is capable of...how he used my weaknesses to gain an unfair advantage over me and that he was no paragon of virtue AND I DIDN"T CHEAT...that simply telling me the truth would have been so much more kind than the choice he made...

We are in a LT separation with an intent to D...I do not want to D...never did...I love him in spite of our past...I do know the good man who resides somewhere under whatever emotional issues he has that causes him to handle things in the stupid, devastating ways he does. I wish we could find healing together, finally and this is the 1st time I am admitting that openly....and it's hard to admit that considering...

He is practically living with OW#2 and will be making it official in a few months...he says he is "facing" himself, becoming a better person...I've accepted that it's over with me for him...not doing so good on accepting it's over for me...guess cause it isn't...it all still hurts, "meh" isn't coming fast enough...

I may not be crazy but there is no doubt I am a damn fool...


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
Leia
♀ 42510
Member # 42510
Default  Posted: 11:02 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't have any new words of wisdom, but I wanted to let you know that you're not the only one that feels like a "damn fool" when it comes to this. I feel very foolish most of the time and like I'm not going anywhere with it. I think it is common for them to play on our FOO issues. For example, while the A was going on before DDay, I was told that I was less and less trusting, that I was crazy, and that I had to "fix" myself. I even made a list of things that STBXH said needed "fixed." I'm still figuring out which are mine to actually own and which of them are lies/gaslight stuff. I keep telling everyone that my self esteem and self respect may be in the crapper, but I have enough left to call a halt to this mess. So yeah, playing on weaknesses seems to be a common thread around here. Plus, if you're crazy, then that gives WS's a good excuse to cheat. I guess that we'll be on the crazy train together!!!


"Somebody get this walking carpet out of my way." Princess Leia, Star Wars

Posts: 296 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: Kansas
Kajem
♀ 36134
Member # 36134
Default  Posted: 11:20 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You can't be a fool when you were conned by a con artist.

He misrepresented himself to you! I'm willing to bet you didn't intentionally misrepresent yourself to him! He doesn't get a pass from the problems in the marriage, not when he created half of them thru mistruths, misinformation, gaslighting and lies by omission!

I wasn't completely honest in my marriage, but I wasn't going around intentionally undermining my spouse by gaslighting them and conning them into believing ALL the problems are theirs to fix.

Forgive yourself for not listening to your gut.

Hugs


I trust you is a better compliment than I love you, because you may not trust the person you love, but you can always love the person you trust. - Unknown
Relationships are like sharing a book, it doesn't work if you're not on the same page.

Posts: 5550 | Registered: Jul 2012 | From: Florida
Gemini71
♀ 40115
Member # 40115
Default  Posted: 8:22 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

In a way we were all fooled by our spouses, otherwise we wouldn't be here.

I've also had to deal with this issue. I had no clue and was completely blindsided by his cheating. I wondered if I had been too trusting of STBXH, but ultimately decided that I trusted because that is what you do in a marriage. STBXH was the one who abused that trust. There was nothing wrong with me. He was just unworthy.

To use your FOO issues against you is a low blow. It boggles the mind how low some people can go. My STBXH used information I had shared with him about my XBFF's marriage to view her as a new AP. Conversely, my XBFF used information I shared with her about my marriage to bolster her self-esteem by having an A with my STBXH.

It makes it difficult for us as BSs to trust anyone, including ourselves. But part of healing is regaining that ability to trust. Start with yourself and slowly work your way out.

As far as getting to "meh", I have no idea. Indifference is the 'promised land' we all strive for. If anyone figures out a shortcut, they'll be the most popular person on SI! Good Luck.


Edited to correct stupid typos.

Double Betrayal D-Day 7/26/2013
Divorced 11/18/2014

Two steps forward and one step backwards, is still progress.


Posts: 1976 | Registered: Jul 2013 | From: Illinois, USA
Starzjourney
♀ 41287
Member # 41287
Default  Posted: 1:32 PM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Leia-Thank you, wisdom I think is what we find as we process, knowing that there are others processing the same or similar words/actions in these situations makes me feel not so alone...I'll take that...I just read a quote that said "knowing yourself is the beginning of all wisdom" (((Leia)))

Kajem...

Forgive yourself for not listening to your gut.

^^^^This is so very welcome today, especially considering this recent epiphany...I've been struggling with the whole "forgive" STBXWH thing...maybe I should focus a little more on forgiving myself.

Gemini-

It makes it difficult for us as BSs to trust anyone, including ourselves. But part of healing is regaining that ability to trust. Start with yourself and slowly work your way out.

Amen...I think I am developing some "red flags" and being okay with that...it's a strange feeling.

As far as getting to "meh", I have no idea. Indifference is the 'promised land' we all strive for.

For me "meh" and indifference are the same...my daughter has been using the term "meh" a lot lately...I think it has a cool ring to it...


Posts: 146 | Registered: Nov 2013
Topic Posts: 7

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