Several posts from people who are a ways out from Dday have me thinking about my current feelings about my M and my X.
We had known each other since Jr HS. He was the first boy I ever kissed. We connected and started dating in our 20s. We broke up for a year at one point by mutual decision but got back together. I felt like I was completely safe in my M. I was 100% convinced he was there forever.
I think I probably had one of the more amicable Ds in terms of actually settling it legally. Minimal lawyer involvement, creative but fair settlement. I spent basically 2 years of hell in multiple false R attempts prior to that. He felt extremely guilty for all of that b/c he knew how shitty it was so it was easy to get what I wanted.
He was horrible during that time. He probably had been cheating on me longer than I knew and likely throughout our relationship. I was also an awful partner at times. I was selfish in decisions that affected both of us. In fact, I probably coerced him into several major life decisions that he didn't like. It created a very weird dynamic in our relationship. Both of us had to be right all the time so there was tons of arguing. My X is an alcoholic so you can throw that whole dynamic into the mix.
He did some epicly shitty things along the way. I did too. He is a broken person. I've worked on my healing and growing. I don't think he's done much. He still drinks so he probably won't unless he quits. I did and always will believe that if OW had been out of the picture at any point during that time we could have worked it out. That was the hill I was going to die on and our M did die. He's still with OW. I've moved into a new relationship. I quit missing him and our life together a long time ago.
I moved away 2+ years ago. I have nightmares of being chased on the few occasions he does come to town but other than that he doesn't haunt my thoughts or life at all. We've never had strict no contact. I've definitley gone through periods of strict adherence to only discussing 'business' and other periods friendlier interactions. For about 4 -5 years I would get an occasionally 'i still love you' style text from him. He absorbed all the venting I've ever needed to do at him which really helped me heal. At this point our DS has graduated HS. We have very little reason to communicate. However we do talk from time to time. Not much, not long.
I feel very content with my life as it is. I don't want him back in it. Yet I don't feel compelled to completely severe the communication with him. My lack of desire to completely cut him out of my life strikes me as odd. Do any of you old timers have friendly relationships with your ex after the kids are gone?
ďMany of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.Ē -foulton oursler
I do have a bit more contact with him now because of our new grandson. We were together for 40 years--in some cultures, that's a lifetime.
We both have DS's best interests at heart (in our own ways ) and now we have love and aspirations for our DGS.
There are other facets now too, but I don't want to jack your thread.
Me: FBS (no longer betrayed nor a spouse)-62
D-day: 2007 (two years before finding SI)
S: 6/2010; D: 3/2011
T/J At the end of 2012 I heard that he'd done a radio show with Hiawatha, which enraged me for some reason.
I sent him some pretty explicit messages that spelled out everything that still triggered me regarding the house across the street from where I work and the university where he started his affair and where I'm a student.
They basically defiled every space where I hang out, so public news that they were still friendly or whatever sent me right back down the rabbit hole.
In this one instance I had to resort to the Ativan, the trigger was so bad. And it shocked me.
So after that it was several months of NC until I ran into him one day. On that street corner I got a blubbering snot-nosed apology, he broke right down and was openly weeping and saying "I'm so sorry, you deserve everything..." over and over again.
At that point I think he really 'got it'. It took a long time but he got there finally.
It was cathartic.
I know he's probably very lonely and misses everything we had terribly, and that is suitable punishment for him.
I've been moving on nicely and no longer trigger much on stuff, I don't care anymore. I really don't. I'm happy being alone, it's working for me right now.
So now I can be friendly again, and that works for me more than hating or avoiding contact completely.
So I get it hexed. And it's totally OK.
In some ways it might be better if there was some communication with ex about the boys, even though they are young adults now. But really, that would be expecting more as divorced co-parents than there was as married parents, kwim?
I dunno. It does seem weird that I don't have contact with the father of my kids. Yet, otoh, my life has gone on, and it's not like I need or want that contact. It's just one of those odd "that's not the way it's supposed to be" thoughts that occasionally run through my mind.
Once WXH got the understanding that I would never forgive him for what he did, he went nc with me. Totally.
He's kind of high schooling in the he thinks that we can't even be on speaking terms because that wouldn't be right to do to his current bar whore. But it was ok to fuck around with others while we were married.
We were together for 26 years, and it would be nice to check in periodically, but it's really his choice. And that's also fine with me.
God has breathed new life into me fanning my fading Embers into a brightly burning Fire.
I was with my x for 20 years and we were very close in that married bonded kind of way. I know he had a big break down after we separated and went to therapy 3x a week for a while. But he is still with OW. LIving in her father's fancy big house in one of the most desirable neighborhoods in america.
I think a main reason we are not in contact is that I don't want to have any contact with anyone who is in contact with OW. I can forgive the X but its harder to forgive her.
So we have no contact and I don't know if we will ever talk again.
Part of me would like to talk about what happened to see what his side of the story is after all these years - 6 years. Who is this man that went through so much therapy? I would like to see the progression of separation in the other person, like how they have changed or not.
But he will probably never reach out to me, and I am probably not going to reach out to him so we will just not have contact.
I feel a bit envious of those who have a little bit of contact.
It's all so weird to me still. I spent a huge part of my life with this person and poof.
They sat him down and told him that as long as he was with her they would never fully be in his life, nor visit any home he shared with her or come over for dinner, etc... I guess he weighed the choices.
This is why my children have no relationship with their father. He moved to another state 100 miles away to live with OW and thought his kids should be the ones to visit him. He has never come back in nine years to see them or visit them at college when they were in school. They have no respect for him. It's too late now.
Is kind of what really bothers me.
Kids (11/13 and to some extent 9) have said they do not want anything to do with h while ow is in picture. He cracked it, and said he would never see them again. WH is prepared to throw away a relationship with 6 kids for what....
Heís been living with Sparkle Panties for going on four years now (I think) and that relationship seems to be humming along (again, I think) as he does mention her and says that are still living together. That said, I had dinner with some friends (mutual to him) last week when one mentioned that she received a phone call from a crying, drunken woman looking for him. When my friend told her she didnít know where he was and asked how she had gotten her number, the woman responded ďIím going through his phone calling all the womenís names trying to find him.Ē Ö and according to some of his cousins, he still apparently has a strong ďBFFĒ *cough,cough* relationship with one of the false R hook-ups, so, thereís thatÖ
Hello, Zebra! Meet stripes that donít change!
He had in the past reached out to AJ when he would travel to California, but he hasnít done that in almost a year. AJ did call him when his mom died (as did I) and they chatted for a bit, but thatís been about it. Which makes the fact that he was upset with me not attending her services somewhat ironic. As I said to him, ďLetís seeÖit would be me, you, your first XW, your live-in girlfriend, your daughters who have made it clear they want nothing to do with me and the other family members of your clan that ruined me there and youíre upset I donít want to go?Ē Alrighty, then. Sometimes they just donít get it.
Judging from his looks and behavior the times Iíve seen him, thereís little doubt heís still drinking heavily. He has gained an incredible amount of weight, looks bloated and blotchy and very much possesses the characteristics of a late stage alcoholic Ė yellow skin and eyes, shivers and tremors and all. My guess is he isnít long for this world.
As to considering him a friend, I am nowhere near that level of healing and sincerely doubt that Iíll ever get there. I have suffered such heavy collateral damage due to his actions (particularly from career and financial perspectives) of which I am still recovering from that I cannot fathom having that level of a relationship with him, particularly with no shared children Ė there is just so much pain there. He WAS my best friend, and that makes it tough because we shared so many common interests and he knew me like a book, but I have come to understand he doesnít get to have that label with me ever again and Iím much better off viewing him as anything other than that.
"Truth has no special time of its own. Its hour is now - always." - Albert Schweitzer
Me: BW - Him: 200+ # tumor removed 7/09
One AMAZING DS - 34
I was only with my XWH for 8 years....married 5. No kids. The day he asked me for the divorce because "he no longer had any spark" for me anymore...being his reason... was the last day I saw him and spoke to him in person (or over the phone). He has cowardly avoided all contact with me other than email, text, or mail related.
He sent me a letter asking for my kindness in releasing his name as co-signor to my student loans back in the Summer. It was not in my best interest due to higher interest rates. I remained NC with him and he got crickets. MOW sent me an email a year ago this April 1st asking for an "Olive branch" of sorts since we all frequent races and are runners and I gave her crickets. I have no desire to be "pretend friends" with her or my XWH ....and if she sticks that branch in my face again I may set it ablaze....
8 years is nothing.... with no kids. No reason to not keep up NC with both of them. They are now insignificant to my existence. Occasionally, I will have a moment.... a memory....that will make me smile. But, for the most part....my life with him almost seems like a dream I had. Almost surreal to think about anymore... and I am finally at a point where I don't miss him or think about him as often anymore.....I can go weeks......sometimes longer. That's good. For me anyways....
ME - BW - 35
HIM - XWH - 39
D day: November 15th, 2009
Married: 5 Years, together 8
Divorced: December 13th, 2010
New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12