SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

OK - I'm on a posting binge today now that I have a functional computer back! Watch out! This one is long and introspective. I could use some thoughts from the oldtimers.

Several posts from people who are a ways out from Dday have me thinking about my current feelings about my M and my X.

We had known each other since Jr HS. He was the first boy I ever kissed. We connected and started dating in our 20s. We broke up for a year at one point by mutual decision but got back together. I felt like I was completely safe in my M. I was 100% convinced he was there forever.

I think I probably had one of the more amicable Ds in terms of actually settling it legally. Minimal lawyer involvement, creative but fair settlement. I spent basically 2 years of hell in multiple false R attempts prior to that. He felt extremely guilty for all of that b/c he knew how shitty it was so it was easy to get what I wanted.

He was horrible during that time. He probably had been cheating on me longer than I knew and likely throughout our relationship. I was also an awful partner at times. I was selfish in decisions that affected both of us. In fact, I probably coerced him into several major life decisions that he didn't like. It created a very weird dynamic in our relationship. Both of us had to be right all the time so there was tons of arguing. My X is an alcoholic so you can throw that whole dynamic into the mix.

He did some epicly shitty things along the way. I did too. He is a broken person. I've worked on my healing and growing. I don't think he's done much. He still drinks so he probably won't unless he quits. I did and always will believe that if OW had been out of the picture at any point during that time we could have worked it out. That was the hill I was going to die on and our M did die. He's still with OW. I've moved into a new relationship. I quit missing him and our life together a long time ago.

I moved away 2+ years ago. I have nightmares of being chased on the few occasions he does come to town but other than that he doesn't haunt my thoughts or life at all. We've never had strict no contact. I've definitley gone through periods of strict adherence to only discussing 'business' and other periods friendlier interactions. For about 4 -5 years I would get an occasionally 'i still love you' style text from him. He absorbed all the venting I've ever needed to do at him which really helped me heal. At this point our DS has graduated HS. We have very little reason to communicate. However we do talk from time to time. Not much, not long.

I feel very content with my life as it is. I don't want him back in it. Yet I don't feel compelled to completely severe the communication with him. My lack of desire to completely cut him out of my life strikes me as odd. Do any of you old timers have friendly relationships with your ex after the kids are gone?

You know, hexed, your situation is mine-almost word for word-except for the alcoholism, but that touched our lives because of our fathers. We have been D now for 3 years (as of last Friday), and d-day was almost 7 years ago.

I do have a bit more contact with him now because of our new grandson. We were together for 40 years--in some cultures, that's a lifetime.

We both have DS's best interests at heart (in our own ways ) and now we have love and aspirations for our DGS.

There are other facets now too, but I don't want to jack your thread.

I don't feel the need for complete NC either, due to the same reason, pretty much. We were together a really long time and have a lot of shared history.

T/J At the end of 2012 I heard that he'd done a radio show with Hiawatha, which enraged me for some reason.

I sent him some pretty explicit messages that spelled out everything that still triggered me regarding the house across the street from where I work and the university where he started his affair and where I'm a student.

They basically defiled every space where I hang out, so public news that they were still friendly or whatever sent me right back down the rabbit hole.

In this one instance I had to resort to the Ativan, the trigger was so bad. And it shocked me.

So after that it was several months of NC until I ran into him one day. On that street corner I got a blubbering snot-nosed apology, he broke right down and was openly weeping and saying "I'm so sorry, you deserve everything..." over and over again.

At that point I think he really 'got it'. It took a long time but he got there finally.

It was cathartic.

I know he's probably very lonely and misses everything we had terribly, and that is suitable punishment for him.

I've been moving on nicely and no longer trigger much on stuff, I don't care anymore. I really don't. I'm happy being alone, it's working for me right now.

So now I can be friendly again, and that works for me more than hating or avoiding contact completely.

end T/J

So I get it hexed. And it's totally OK.

hexed, I don't think it is odd that you do not want to completely cut your XH out of your life. You have a very long history together, plus a child together. It sounds like you have moved on and you can manage your feelings around the D and all that happened and accept it. IMHO I think that is very commendable. I personally have NC with my XH, I have a similar story to you AND my XH was an alcoholic but stopped drinking after the A. I look forward to the day when I can have neutrals feeling about all. I am getting there very slowly.

I'm healed enough now that I would be able to handle more communication with ex. But after 5+ years the NC has been pretty firmly set up, on both sides, so I suspect until a major life event with one of the boys happens, there still won't be much contact at all. And with that will bring more issues, because of wifetress.

In some ways it might be better if there was some communication with ex about the boys, even though they are young adults now. But really, that would be expecting more as divorced co-parents than there was as married parents, kwim?

I dunno. It does seem weird that I don't have contact with the father of my kids. Yet, otoh, my life has gone on, and it's not like I need or want that contact. It's just one of those odd "that's not the way it's supposed to be" thoughts that occasionally run through my mind.

We never had kids, so my dynamic is different than yours.

Once WXH got the understanding that I would never forgive him for what he did, he went nc with me. Totally.

He's kind of high schooling in the he thinks that we can't even be on speaking terms because that wouldn't be right to do to his current bar whore. But it was ok to fuck around with others while we were married.

We were together for 26 years, and it would be nice to check in periodically, but it's really his choice. And that's also fine with me.

the XH and I will email from time to time (usually about financials or the boys who are both adults now) and on the odd occasion, we will see each other face to face but it's few and far between (probably could count on one hand). But I get what you're saying. These are the people with whom we shared our lives and brought children into the world. For me, it would just feel weird not to have some contact. I think it might be because I need to validate the years that I spent with him - that they were not wasted even though they crashed and burned at the end.

My XWH and I keep in touch every couple of months just to see how the other is doing. When I got married in November he came to my wedding, my new husband was fine with it, in fact they get along pretty well. Our DS's were happy to have their father there, somehow I felt like sharing the joy of that day would not have been complete if he had not been there. My father passed 20 yrs ago and my mother and I have never had a relationship, I have no siblings so XWH and my sons were all the family I had for a very long time. He still feels like family to me, not like a husband but like family, so we talk every few months and keep a check on each other. If my XWH were sick or in the hospital I would go see him and do whatever I could to help him but truth be told so would my husband. Like I said I know it's weird but even my husband see XWH as my family. Times when he has needed help moving or carrying something heavy my husband has gone along with my 2 sons to help XWH. Fact really is stranger than fiction lol. But this is the dynamic we have going and it works for us.

I guess I'm different but I have no reason to communicate with my XH. I was with him since I was 22 and he was my first relationship and we had 25 years and two children, but once he walked out that door, no contact. I haven't talked to him or seen him in nine years since he left in 2005. He made his choice, he doesn't get to see me or talk to me anymore. Friends don't do what he did. It was healthier this way, the less I saw of him the less I thought of him and quicker I moved on. He made it easy not to miss him.

It's so individual. There are no rules about this.

I was with my x for 20 years and we were very close in that married bonded kind of way. I know he had a big break down after we separated and went to therapy 3x a week for a while. But he is still with OW. LIving in her father's fancy big house in one of the most desirable neighborhoods in america.

I think a main reason we are not in contact is that I don't want to have any contact with anyone who is in contact with OW. I can forgive the X but its harder to forgive her.

So we have no contact and I don't know if we will ever talk again.

Part of me would like to talk about what happened to see what his side of the story is after all these years - 6 years. Who is this man that went through so much therapy? I would like to see the progression of separation in the other person, like how they have changed or not.

But he will probably never reach out to me, and I am probably not going to reach out to him so we will just not have contact.

I feel a bit envious of those who have a little bit of contact.

It's all so weird to me still. I spent a huge part of my life with this person and poof.

I guess the reason we could be friends now is because the other woman is no longer a part of his life. In fact there was a time when our sons would not have anything to do with his life because she was with him. They sat him down and told him that as long as he was with her they would never fully be in his life, nor visit any home he shared with her or come over for dinner, etc... I guess he weighed the choices. Now he is dating a lovely woman who my sons care for and I have met on occasion, I just hope he does right by her and that he has learned something from all this.

Embers2Fire...

They sat him down and told him that as long as he was with her they would never fully be in his life, nor visit any home he shared with her or come over for dinner, etc... I guess he weighed the choices.

This is why my children have no relationship with their father. He moved to another state 100 miles away to live with OW and thought his kids should be the ones to visit him. He has never come back in nine years to see them or visit them at college when they were in school. They have no respect for him. It's too late now.

*^^^^this

Is kind of what really bothers me.

Kids (11/13 and to some extent 9) have said they do not want anything to do with h while ow is in picture. He cracked it, and said he would never see them again. WH is prepared to throw away a relationship with 6 kids for what....

Rico and I share some mutual friends and are Godparents to a friend’s son, so even though we don’t have kids together and his daughters have made their decisions to cut me out of their lives incredibly well known, it’s inevitable that we’ll see each other now and again and we do. I can completely handle these situations and so far it hasn’t been too big of a deal. I guess having other friends around helps.

He’s been living with Sparkle Panties for going on four years now (I think) and that relationship seems to be humming along (again, I think) as he does mention her and says that are still living together. That said, I had dinner with some friends (mutual to him) last week when one mentioned that she received a phone call from a crying, drunken woman looking for him. When my friend told her she didn’t know where he was and asked how she had gotten her number, the woman responded “I’m going through his phone calling all the women’s names trying to find him.” … and according to some of his cousins, he still apparently has a strong “BFF” *cough,cough* relationship with one of the false R hook-ups, so, there’s that…

Hello, Zebra! Meet stripes that don’t change!

He had in the past reached out to AJ when he would travel to California, but he hasn’t done that in almost a year. AJ did call him when his mom died (as did I) and they chatted for a bit, but that’s been about it. Which makes the fact that he was upset with me not attending her services somewhat ironic. As I said to him, “Let’s see…it would be me, you, your first XW, your live-in girlfriend, your daughters who have made it clear they want nothing to do with me and the other family members of your clan that ruined me there and you’re upset I don’t want to go?” Alrighty, then. Sometimes they just don’t get it.

Judging from his looks and behavior the times I’ve seen him, there’s little doubt he’s still drinking heavily. He has gained an incredible amount of weight, looks bloated and blotchy and very much possesses the characteristics of a late stage alcoholic – yellow skin and eyes, shivers and tremors and all. My guess is he isn’t long for this world.

As to considering him a friend, I am nowhere near that level of healing and sincerely doubt that I’ll ever get there. I have suffered such heavy collateral damage due to his actions (particularly from career and financial perspectives) of which I am still recovering from that I cannot fathom having that level of a relationship with him, particularly with no shared children – there is just so much pain there. He WAS my best friend, and that makes it tough because we shared so many common interests and he knew me like a book, but I have come to understand he doesn’t get to have that label with me ever again and I’m much better off viewing him as anything other than that.

AJ’s MOM

This is all very situational....

I was only with my XWH for 8 years....married 5. No kids. The day he asked me for the divorce because "he no longer had any spark" for me anymore...being his reason... was the last day I saw him and spoke to him in person (or over the phone). He has cowardly avoided all contact with me other than email, text, or mail related.

He sent me a letter asking for my kindness in releasing his name as co-signor to my student loans back in the Summer. It was not in my best interest due to higher interest rates. I remained NC with him and he got crickets. MOW sent me an email a year ago this April 1st asking for an "Olive branch" of sorts since we all frequent races and are runners and I gave her crickets. I have no desire to be "pretend friends" with her or my XWH ....and if she sticks that branch in my face again I may set it ablaze....

8 years is nothing.... with no kids. No reason to not keep up NC with both of them. They are now insignificant to my existence. Occasionally, I will have a moment.... a memory....that will make me smile. But, for the most part....my life with him almost seems like a dream I had. Almost surreal to think about anymore... and I am finally at a point where I don't miss him or think about him as often anymore.....I can go weeks......sometimes longer. That's good. For me anyways....