"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

DyingInside21 posted 3/23/2014 12:53 PM

Hi everyone,

My WH confessed to his year long Affair on Thursday night. We have been through so much these past few years (He lost his father and best friend within 6 days of each other) He is no longer speaking to his mother, whom he felt was his constant. And so many other outside family issues. Through this all I tried to give him his space to mourn and tried to keep things sane and normal for our kids. With his time away from our nuclear family, for the first time in 15 years of being together I truly suspected infidelity but never had any proof. His behavior wasn't totally out of the ordinary, but he was more distant. But I just thought it was his way of mourning. What kind of person would I be to not allow him to mourn, right?

We have needed marriage counseling for a long time, however. And he has been resistant. He has ADD and never consistently takes his meds. I needed to seek counseling to determine if our marriage was capable of being saved because living with an adult with ADD is very much a roller coaster ride of moods and emotions and behavior. He went to one session with me, but never returned. I have sought help on my own over the years and it helped, but I needed my partner to be in it with me. Our biggest problem (IMO) was always communication. That is what I thought therapy would help us do because I thought that was our only true issue.
When we fought we kept going over the same issues, or issues I thought we had already resolved. His chief complaint was always, not enough sex. Mine was not enough intimacy, which he equates with sex. Again, communication was lost.
With his revelation on 3/20/14 he confessed to finally realizing how incredibly selfish he has been his whole life and how he realizes that he doesn't like himself. He claims to want to change and realizes how he and only he has destroyed our marriage and family. He says he wants to fix himself and ultimately our marriage, if it can be saved. He left the next day and spent the night in a motel. He works away from home (he's a fireman) and so it's very hard to talk or get more details about the A since he is gone and texting is so sporadic. He has already found a therapist and is scheduling a meeting.

I am still so RAW and have so many mixed emotions. This was my deal breaker. You cheat? I leave! But now that I am in this and I consider my children and my heart, I am so confused. One minute I am so angry and hurt and the next I am just numb and I feel nothing. One minute I want to cut and run and the next, I consider trying to get help. But my blind trust for him is so shattered that I cant imagine ever trusting him again and I cant decide if he deserves my trust.

I have only told my best friend. It took me two days to make that choice, but I was just bursting at the seams with so much pain and emotion that I needed to tell now the one and only person who I knew would keep this secret (not ready to tell anyone else yet) and who would support me no matter what my decision.

Thank you in advance for being here and letting me vent. I have finally gotten to a point where I can think about it without breaking down. Having the kids at home for spring break for two weeks is hard because I have no alone time to grieve. Im a SAHM and live 2 hours away from my mom and closest friends.
Just so raw!

Skan posted 3/23/2014 13:24 PM

Hey there. Welcome. I'm glad that you found us for support. I'm REALLY glad that you have someone IRL (in real life) to confide in as well.

Of course you're raw. Finding out that your spouse has committed adultery is like having a nuclear explosion blow up your house. You're left standing in the rubble with your skin burned off, numb and in shock. Knowing that the reverberations of this explosion, the fall-out, is going to continue for some time.

Listen. You are not alone in saying and truly believing that, should your partner betray you, you are walking. Not one of us ever said that it would be OK to stay in these circumstances. And this may indeed, be a deal-breaker for you. If so, no shame to you whatsoever. But the good news is, you do not have to make One Darned Decision right now. You don't have to decide to stay or go. You can take this one day at a time heck, one minute at a time, if you need to. Your only obligations right now are to be very, very kind to yourself and to nurture yourself, so you can take care of your children. Your WH can take care of himself. Your job is to take care of yourself so you can take care of your children.

If you have not already, please read The Healing Library, which is in the upper left corner in the yellow box. Please look in the first 3 pages of this forum and read the 1st page of all posts with red "targets" next to them. That's all good information that will be of help to you.

Come back often for support. It's quite often slow here on the weekends, but each of us wants to be there to support you. (((hugs)))

frenchmoxie posted 3/23/2014 13:55 PM

Yes I agree with the previous poster in that you need to spend this time nurturing yourself. I made the mistake of worrying about my partner during the initial stages of finding out he had been cheating. this was a mistake on my part because he just simply was so confused and I was so confused that he didn't even really want to talk about things and he still doesn't and it's almost 4 weeks into our relationship ending. Don't worry about your husband he's a big boy and he can take care of himself. I would feel very lucky about the fact that you say he wants to see a counselor. my partner did not want to see a counselor at all and that's a bad sign in my opinion.

DyingInside21 posted 3/23/2014 13:58 PM

Thank you, Skan!

I can't sleep very well so I have been reading as much as I can at The Healing Library. Ordering books to read, too.

WH keeps texting apologies and updates on his desire to "fix" things. I can't trust his words. Just replied that while I appreciate his saying he is sorry, I need for him to show me he is sorry. He is very good as saying the right things, but I can't accept his, "Im so sorry for hurting you" comments. They are of no comfort right now.

Thanks again!

lastdance posted 3/23/2014 14:36 PM

honey , he left because the marriage is over...he knows this.....he left so he can continue his affair without having to account for his actions, he does not care.....if he cared about the marriage and you he would be home helping you thru this pain.....he would be there tying to fix his marriage....the fact that he is not there tells you he checked out of his marriage and you a long time ago......do not believe his gas lighting you....this is all part of the game....never confronted you with details ,never gave you the opportunity to ask why,why did you do it......that is so cruel and says so much about how he feel about you....he is having an affair and he is still lying to you....do not feel sorry for him....he is the one that cheated...you did nothing wrong.....he betrayed you....go to the healing library here in SI and do a 180 as soon as you can,,,,you need to stop contact with him....in order to save your marriage if that is what you want.....you need to let it go...he needs to miss you,not have you available....he needs to miss your emotional support....he cannot have the 2 of you at the same time....make him miss you.....he is 90 percent right now leaning towards the other woman...that is why he left you....do not let him confuse you...he knows what he is doung...how do you really know he is in counseling and for what,,he might be there to help him with his moving away from you and the marriage......many stories in here will show you how these guys play the game and how they play their poor betrayed wives......how they say the right words to keep them hanging on in limbo while they get their new life in order....I know it hurts and you do not believe he can do you like this....but BELIVE THAT HE LEFT YOU ALREADY, BELIEVE HE IS NOT COMING BACK ,BELIEVE HE IS WITH THE OTHER WOMAN, BELIEVE THAT HE IS GONE.

tushnurse posted 3/23/2014 14:37 PM

This is an incredibly difficult time for you. Be happy you have found this site and the amazing people on it.

You are a step ahead of the game Knowin that his words are just words. Keep reading, keep posting.

There are few to do's I recommend for all newbies.
See a lawyer find out what your rights are and his obligations are.
Call your dr schedule STD testing. When you go share what you are going through and of you can't sleep or eat then talk about meds to help you through this first painfully raw point.
Figure out what you want and need from your H to R if you choose to do so. Be clear and concise as to what you are willing to tolerate and consequences for not. Be ready to follow through.
You get to call all the shots going forward. Be strong be to the point and don't tolerate anything other than te utmost respect and love. None of us survived this and saved our M'sbu being the nice guy an allowing the cheater to be the one in charge.

You can do this, you will survive.

(((( and strength)))

norabird posted 3/23/2014 18:37 PM

It is totally normal to feel raw and confused--to swing wildly between wanting to leave and wanting to work it out. Know that you do not need to make a decision now. Keep insisting he show you actions, not words, and be as good to yourself as you can be, any small pampering or kindness toward yourself is very much needed right now. Don't let him deflect blame towards your sex life either; yes, you can be mindful of past issues with the M, but this was his selfish choice and nothing justifies it. He needs to understand that.

Take care of yourself honey. You will survive this and heal, no matter what happens. You are strong.

DyingInside21 posted 3/23/2014 18:57 PM

I should clarify some details: The A took place a few years ago and lasted a year, according to him. Again, not naive, but since I didn't catch him and he confessed it on his own, Im not sure why he would change those details. But I am sure it has happened. I do not know, however if they are still in contact with each other, which I intend to find out. So far everything I have had a chance to ask has been answered. He knows I want and need more details and he says he is willing to respond, but not while he is at work.
Also, he stayed at the motel because I needed him to go. I had the kids to worry about and he asked me what I wanted him to do, leave or stay?
He is currently at work, something I can verify, not currently with her, although that doesn't mean he isn't in contact with her via text. Again, I have my eyes wide open, but the post suggesting that he has already left the marriage I think was a bit premature and I admit that some details were missing from my original post. I was just trying to get it all out.

All I do know is he sent me the details of the therapist he is hoping to meet with. She covers all variables (IC, MC, etc...) This is so he can see her in IC while keeping the option for MC open.

Im just going crazy as I wait for THE conversation. I have questions, that he wont answer while at work. He knows, so far, what I expect, and seems to be ready to do what I ask, but again, actions will determine how sincere he is.
Remember, this is just 3 days in. He isn't getting in to see a therapist on a Saturday or Sunday no matter how invested he may or may not be in working this out.

His not being here for a few days has actually helped me gain some of my composure. Not having a daily reminder of what he did. I also needed time to adjust to avoid breaking down in from of my kids, which I know I wouldn't have been able to do had he been in the house the whole time.

I already had a standing appt. with my GYN and will ask for an STD test. It was the first question I asked him and he says he used protection, but I obviously don't believe him. Not for an entire year!
My next goal is to see an attorney. I have a referral handy. He will speak to me initially without a retainer, so that is good.

Again, I am still in limbo because I don't have much in the way of details. That first night all I could do was weep. Now that I am a tiny bit less emotional and have been on this site and done a little reading, I have my list of questions and my demands ready.
I know this will be hard, but the NOT knowing is making it harder.

Howie posted 3/23/2014 20:18 PM

This is the horrible time,nothing can prepare you for it. Waves and cycles of emotion that distort everything. Most of the advice above is excellent. Keep in mind, tomorrow will come and the next day. Take a deep breathe. You will need to look and plan beyond the current pain.
A very important fact is that he confessed.Why? This can be so complex he doesn't know why. Possible-to end the marriage with you by provoking you to action.Possible,simply to relieve himself- and to hurt you.Possible, to save the marriage from his own untruth because yes, he does love you. If, this last, his actions will confirm it, real remorse and actions not just words,toward reform. Right now take care of yourself get used to the horrible new reality. He needs to be forthright and communicative. You will need to be clear and consistent in what you expect.The road from here is hard but you will survive it. And most times, you end up in a better place. A place of truth. Good luck to you.

DyingInside21 posted 3/23/2014 20:28 PM

Thanks, Howie!!

I actually asked my best friend that very question when I told her. Why did he confess when I didn't already know? That is the million dollar question. I think knowing that answer, if he can give me one, will help direct me a bit better.

Trying to implement the 180 rules but I have a question: How do I appear not sad, depressed and pathetic when that's exactly how I feel? Im not good at faking emotions, especially now. I don't want to be cold, but I need to protect my heart, so I am being just that.

LA44 posted 3/23/2014 20:38 PM

DyingInside, I am so sorry you are here. And of course you are raw at 3 days in. So, so painful.

I too am a SAHM and my D-Day came 2 weeks before Christmas. I was a wreck. My H stayed in the home but left at night when they went to bed. I knew I could not manage my own children, solo.

Glad to read that your H confessed and is finding a therapist. There is no reason not to have an appt. at least made, by Monday. I always recommend, After the Affair by Janis A Spring. I like what she writes about High Cost Behaviour ie: NC with the AP, getting into IC, giving you his passwords, etc. Not everyone has the same High Cost Behav., but NC is a MUST.

How to Help Your Spouse Heal...is another recommended book.

My H's two year affair ended one year before I found out. They remained "friends" for the third year. With D-Day he was told that he could continue the friendship or stay married to me, if in fact that was what I wanted. He called her the next day to say I knew and there could be no more discussion, no more "friendship".

Remember: Actions. Not just words. Some people are really good at talking. Turn the volume down on EVERTYTHING he says and WATCH the behavior.

I hope you keep reading, keep posting, keep breathing. You will get advice that is solid and you will get advice from people who are projecting. Keep this in mind.

This is a terrible time. You will find lots of support here.

LA44 posted 3/23/2014 20:41 PM

ps: I thought 180 was used when the WS was NOT being remorseful/owning it? Someone can correct me if I am wrong. It's a way to protect yourself.

DyingInside21 posted 3/23/2014 20:52 PM

LA44

Thank you!!

After the Affair is the one book I have already ordered.

He called the therapist yesterday and so I expect he will get a call tomorrow.
He keeps saying that he is hurting too, which may be true I just cant seem to care right now. He also says he needs to get his head straight and that he is desperate to speak to someone. Again, I will be watching what he does.

I expect to learn that he may still be casually in contact with her, but don't know for sure. The NC will be the first thing I ask for.

Question: If he says there hasn't been any contact for some time, do I still ask that he initiate a call to end all contact permanently or wait until OW makes contact?

LA44 posted 3/24/2014 07:05 AM

He keeps saying that he is hurting too, which may be true I just cant seem to care right now.

Does he mean the pain he caused you?
The pain from his long-standing depressing?
The pain from ending the A?

Regardless, it is understandable that you feel this way. You have to be almost selfish - protect yourself - right now.

I expect to learn that he may still be casually in contact with her, but don't know for sure. The NC will be the first thing I ask for.

Question: If he says there hasn't been any contact for some time, do I still ask that he initiate a call to end all contact permanently or wait until OW makes contact?

Basically you say: There can be no contact with this person ever again. This is a condition for R. New contact means new hurts and I have been hurt enough.

Sending something is writing is preferred around here - make sure you see it and approve of it. It can be something like this:

This is the last time I will intentionally contact you.

I told my wife about our A. My actions have devastated her. Actions both you and I took part in to violate our marriage. Right now, there is nothing more important to me than repairing the damage and hurt I have caused. My marriage is the most important thing to me.

Do not contact me, again.

BUT - let him write it first. See what he puts down. There should be NO apology to her that's for sure.

It's really up to you whether you send one if they have not been in touch. You can always get it ready and have it in an envelope. I know the AP in our case contacted my H several times after a phone call AND a face to face NC was requested (she works for the same co) but I SO WISHED we had done the letter. I did not know about SI and all the great direction given here.

[This message edited by LA44 at 7:06 AM, March 24th (Monday)]

Howie posted 3/24/2014 08:14 AM

Hi; I don't see how you can show feeling other than you feel,sad,depressed in this time.Later, I hope too you will pride that you were honest and faithful.The 180 may not be in play if he is doing the right things. He needs to give you right words and right actions but he too is adjusting to the new reality of disclosure; I always advise giving the guilty some time too to reorient themselves.
If the affair is over for sometime, no contact is the rule; obviously if she still calls him, he can say that. (Diff case,mine: as it wasn't over, I allowed my wife one last "interview" with OM -not for everybody but right in my case.)
This is the worse pain anyone is ever likely to feel. I am 15 years out and still have painful flashbacks. At the time and for about six months, I simply wanted to die, my life could not sustain this misery and utter void in my being; with a total violation of trust,my wife had killed me as a person and yet I lived like pained meat.
So, I am sorry you are here.I can testify,if gets better, one' s good life is still out there waiting for you.In time, you meet up again.Best to you--

DyingInside21 posted 3/24/2014 09:43 AM

LA44: He says he is hurting for all the pain he has caused me and our family, not just for the A but for all of his selfish decisions he has made during our marriage. He is also hurting from his own guilt. He is still mourning his father and best friend, but he isn't really specifying that.

He has said nothing about hurting from ending the A. I am not clear on how it ended or who ended it. He describes the A as, "My selfish way of trying to make myself happy by seeking it outside our marriage."

He didn't mention his feelings toward her and I wasn't in the right frame of mind to ask at the time.

Once I hear about whether or not there is ANY contact at all, even if it's few and far between, I will ask for NC or at least have a letter written in preparation just in case she does make contact.

He doesn't work with her and would have no reason to see her unless he sought her out or she sought him out.

Thank you again for all your kind words and advice, "LA44" and "Howie".

It's truly amazing how much better I feel just being on SI. I feel more secure in what to ask for and what to expect. I know more bad days are ahead, but I feel a little less powerless every time I log on.