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Newest Member: SadDadOf3 (46038)

User Topic: 3 Weeks In: Help?
krispy47
♀ 42863
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 2:29 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I've been lurking on this site for two weeks, reading everything I can. Today I am finally ready to post.

My WS and I have been married for 23 years. We have 4 kids ages 7 to 20. I think we had typical marriage: madly in love at the beginning, then got caught up in parenting and work and busy lives and lost touch a little bit.

About 3 weeks ago, I came home from work early with a headache. There was a strange car parked in my driveway. I assumed my H had a meeting with our financial advisor, or one of the other leaders from our son’s troop, and had just forgotten to tell me. I walked in expecting to find them at the dining room table, but the house was dark. Then I heard voices coming from our guest room. At this point I knew what I was going to find, but was still devastated to open the door and see my husband and this woman rolling away from each other off the bed. Thank god they were both still dressed or I might have committed homicide right on the spot.

I held it together long enough order to order her out of my house. Then I faced my husband, who confessed everything. They had been seeing each other for seven years -- SEVEN YEARS! – ever since our youngest child was a newborn. They met at a local community meeting, had lunch a couple of times, then progressed quickly to a sexual relationship. She is 11 years younger than me, has no kids, and works from home, so she was at his beck and call any time he wanted her.

They had perfect cover for their affair: my husband would leave my bed each weekday morning saying he was headed to the gym before work, and go straight to hers. He would have her for an hour or so, and then go on to work. On weekends, he would go out to "run errands" and meet with her. She contacted him only through his work issued phone and email, which I could not access. They lied so well and so often that I was totally fooled, and had no idea what was going on.

Did I mention that this slut has been to my house on social visits? She runs a business where she takes high school music students on trips to Europe. We had a babysitter who was from her favorite country, and my husband thought they would enjoy meeting each other. So she waltzed into my home, introduced herself as a “friend” of his from the civic organization, and came and went several times to visit the sitter and – I am sure – flirt with my spouse under my nose. He says that she got a real thrill out of this.

After he confessed, I gave my husband 24 hours to make a decision: he could keep her and move out immediately, or give her up and remain in the house until I had time to decide on what to do next. He called her the next day to tell her it was over. Her response was to plead for one more night of “goodbye sex.” She wanted to rub my nose in the affair, for me to have to spend at least one night knowing she was screwing him and to suffer. When he told her no, that he had hurt me enough, she got so angry that she hit him.

My husband is now remorseful, and begging me to stay. He has realized exactly what he stands to lose: his home, his kids, the respect of his scouting and church communites, all of our friends and my extended family, and the woman who has loved him through the very worst and very best times of his life. He is going to counseling to try to figure out why he acted like such a shit. I am going to counseling to try to figure out if 20+ years of love and good memories can ever cancel out such a massive betrayal. We are doing MC together weekly. I’ve also seen a lawyer to begin formalizing a separation agreement cover myself financially, just in case it goes that way.

My heart is shredded, my sense of safety and my self-esteem are gone, and I am lost. I cannot believe that I am in this position. I truly believed that my H was one of the good guys who would NEVER even THINK of cheating. And I have so many questions! I plan to post many of them here, but for today, just wanted to send up a white flag and see if anyone responds.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 6:59 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)]


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
swank
♀ 42835
Member # 42835
Default  Posted: 3:25 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

What an awful story. To catch him in the act must have been beyond painful. I'm so sorry.

You're reeling now, it's only been 3 weeks. Time helps a lot, it really does. And it sounds as if your husband is doing the right things to try to restore your trust and save your relationship.

Try to take care of yourself and look ahead, not back. I found out 6 months ago and I feel so much better than I did when I was where you are now. It still sucks, but it's much, much easier to get through the days.

Good luck to you.


Posts: 126 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: United States
happyman64
♂ 33212
Member # 33212
Default  Posted: 4:39 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krispy

I think you are awesome and no white flag is needed.

Your husband needs therapy. About 7 years worth.

He is the one leading a double life. Did you never suspect over 7 years that he was cheating?

For now focus on you and your kids. Protect yourself financially and good luck with your decision.

Because he deserves a divorce. You don't.

Take your time making that decision.

HM


Posts: 1017 | Registered: Aug 2011 | From: New York
lastdance
♀ 42401
Member # 42401
Default  Posted: 5:14 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I am so sorry for you(((((HUGS))))))........I too experienced this horrible pain....just like you.....the pain.......in my house.......with someone who visited my home........I saw them in bed together except my husband was making love to her.........I attacked him....I wanted to kill him......I punched the hell out of him.....I wanted to grab his balls and yank them out of his body......my son was the one who drag me off of him eventually.....yes my son saw the OW and my H naked......my husband gave me the same speech as yours.....I ASKED HIM: HOW THE F$$K ARE YOU SORRY YOU HURT ME NOW BUT IT NEVER CROSSED YOUR MIND FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS???????....I agreed to work on the marriage....UUUGGGGHHHH......I so wish I had SI back then.it would have saved me so much pain.....for 13 years we stayed married.....I never was happy again , never smiled, had nightmares, cried all the time, never trusted him, especially when he said he loved me and he was sorry for hurting me, I could not stand him touching me....no sex... MC AND IC could not help me....I was numb....how do you betray the person you love...how do you go to bed with me after you were with her...how do you lie and look me in the eyes like all is fine....how do I nelieve anything you say..........I divorced him......I am free of those emotional chains.....I am happy, i now smile and sleep well......I no longer look over my shoulder,wondering if that woman is cheating with my husband.....I AM FREE.....I AM NO LONGER UNDER MY EXH'S CONSEQUENCES BY HIS BAD CHOICES>>>>>I AM FREE>>>>>>>> it hurts right now for you but you will come to understand soon that you were not married for 20 years....you were only in a married partnership for 13 years......the other 7 years you were in a threesome....you did not have a husband....you had ab open marriage....open only to him.....7 years is not an AFFAIR.....7 YEARS IS A LONG TERM EMOTIONAL AND PHYSICAL RELATIONSHIP>>>>A COMMON LAW MARRIAGE>>>>>can you ever forgive this kind of betrayal??....can you ever forget that he had sex with her in your HOUSE,your HOME.....how can he do that??......this type of disrespect for you,your marriage vows, your family, your most intimate place ,your zen place....your love nest.....I could not even after 13 years......I lost 13 years trying to glue back together what was broken...I so regret that decision....I should have moved on right away after finding them....please think clearly and not emotionally...do not make hasty decisions....he has already shown you who he really is...how he lies and cheats....he has shown no love or compassion for you as his partner....do not waste your life or time on someone who knows no boundaries....you deserve to be loved not deceived.....what you have is not love....it is a lie

Posts: 153 | Registered: Feb 2014 | From: orlando, fl
justinpaintoday
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 5:24 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry for your situation. Just started posting here as well and can tell you the support is a lifeline between IC and MC. It's a safe place to vent and ask those really difficult questions that nobody around you can probably answer.

Get ready for some tough love though. People will call bullshit as needed in an effort to help protect you as you navigate this mess.


I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
allusions
♀ 25376
Member # 25376
Default  Posted: 5:31 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Hi Krispy,

Glad you found us.

Just wondering, you said he called her to end it and she got so angry she hit him. How did she hit him over the phone?

There should be no contact between them now, and he certainly shouldn't be seeing her for ANY reason.


Posts: 316 | Registered: Aug 2009 | From: California Central Coast
krispy47
♀ 42863
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 6:08 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Allusions: He broke the news to her over the phone, but I was dumb enough (numb enough?) to give him permission to meet with her in person at a local restuarant the next day. He "needed closure." I know, I know....

Justinpain: Tough love is what I need, I think. I certainly don't trust my own judegement any more.

And to the poster above, no I really did not suspect a thing. I knew that our marriage had holes -- we were having sex less often, he was gone more often and not fully engaged in family life -- but I attributed that to his extreme unhappiness at work. I guess I told myself that fireworks die, but we still had a bedrock commitment. Turns out I was the only one who had it.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
krispy47
♀ 42863
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 6:11 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Lastdance: what you're saying is NOT what I want to hear, but it sounds like truth. Your comment about a common law marriage is a gut punch, but also exactly right. I think site is going to be important for reality testing for me. Thanks.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:25 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The final meeting between your WS and the OW may have been a discussion on how to take this affair underground; they will be much more careful next time.

My advice is that this betrayal is too much to absorb and forgive. Maybe after the divorce you can be polite friends for the children's sake. Meanwhile the OW can have him; see how long that lasts.

Save yourself a lot of heartache and file. The post from lastdance is both heart rending and an example of how forgiveness has its limits.


Posts: 1869 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
norabird
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 6:28 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry. Stick to your guns and enforce the NC and make sure that you verify everything instead of trusting his words just yet. Most importantly continue taking care of yourself. You know what you deserve; stay strong in your knoedge of your own integrity. I hope your WH gets how much is needed from him in order to R and feels true remorse for the betrayal.


Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4235 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 6:32 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You mentioned a business that the OW runs. The URL leads to the female owner, which could be tracked back to your WS and yourself. Might consider removing this.

Posts: 1869 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
authenticnow
♀ 16024
Member # 16024
Red  Posted: 7:00 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

krispy47,

You have a PM.


Take up your space (and do it well).

"That's the thing about pain, it demands to be felt."


Posts: 38965 | Registered: Sep 2007
AndreaL
♀ 41522
Member # 41522
Default  Posted: 7:35 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Just wanted to say I read your story, and my heart goes out to you. Why do our WS do this shit?? I'm so sorry :(


Me:35
Hubby:38
Kids ages: 2 and 5
Married: 8 years
DDAY: Dec 1 2013
Affair: 2 months EA and PA
Status: Separted. Sigh...I wish I could forgive 😞

Update: attempting to reconcile


Posts: 263 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Canada
betrayedidiot
♀ 42868
Member # 42868
Default  Posted: 11:39 PM, March 23rd (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry to hear you have to go through this. I'm in a similar situation, so it's good to know we're not alone!

I agree with what another poster said. Your H was living a life with someone else for many years, so that is more than just an affair. As sad as it is to tell you, your marriage was already over. Surely you had to see signs? And he now has a strong history with the OW...even if he has NC now, will he let go?

I don't see how you could ever trust him to not do this again, with her or someone else. For my situation, I think it is better to heal and start over with someone else, rather than try to repair something that is so broken and a lie. You deserve to be happy.


Me: BS
Married almost 20 years
2 year EA and 1 month PA
DD-16
D-Day: 01/14/14
Separated and divorcing

Posts: 92 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: TX
Gotmegood
♀ 41407
Member # 41407
Default  Posted: 12:22 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Krispy- Another voice telling you that you've been heard, no effing way you deserved ANY of this horrid, painful mess, and to urge you to focus on yourself. It's hard at this point to think straight, I'm certain that you're still in shock. My advise: make NO decisions. Buy the book 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" and force your POS WH to read it.

A bit of a thread-jack, sorry, but I must say that I've never quite seen such strong posts urging a newbie to throw in the towel quite so quickly, especially when the WH proclaims he wants to work on repairing the damage his choices have inflicted. It started me thinking......what is the limit? a 7 year affair is too long to forgive, beyond salvageable? If someone gets caught after 3 weeks for instance, who is to say that that infidelity wouldn't have lasted 12 years? How about crossing that line, breaking that special bond once? Lying, deceiving and knifing your spouse in the back only once......why is that maybe forgivable, but a long term A is not? I just don't know. If you steal your friends lipstick, is that any less sinful and wrong than if you stole your friends bracelet? Or if you stole a dollar from your friend every week for 13 years? Know what I mean?
Ugh. It's all so sad and sordid and head spinning, isn't it?
Anyway, good luck and keep posting. You will always get support here.


Me: faithful wife 62.
Him: WH 64 , prostitute 20 yr old
DDay: 8-13-2013
Status: boinging up and down like a yo-yo

Posts: 546 | Registered: Nov 2013 | From: Florida
krispy47
♀ 42863
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 2:33 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

@GotMeGood: I also am a little surprised and dismayed at the vehemence of some responders, but none of you are saying anything I have not already thought. When I told my best friend, her response was, "Seven years! That's a hell of a lot of lying!" I am curious however. Some LTAs are worse than others?

Regarding the current state of my roller coaster ride...

On the plus side: WH has answered every question I've asked and I have been able to verify much of what he has said. He appears to have broken things off with OW, as evidenced by her increasingly hysterical attempts to contact him. He seems genuinely sorry, and feels like shit. His guilt is causing him to be very generous as we draw up a separation agreement. He initiated IC and MC. He is reading a lot about his responsibilities as a WS, including everything here, and he is saying all the right things.

On the minus side: I can't believe anything WH says! OW continues to pursue him relentlessly, even showing up to confront him in our church parking lot last weekend. In our discussions, he still sometimes hedges (yes, I fucked her in our guest room, but I didn't want to. She insisted!) The fact that he brought her TO MY HOUSE and allowed her to gloat about it is really sticking in my craw. How is it possible that he was so in love with OW that he would risk our lives for her, and now suddenly he is ready to be done with her and commit to R? I have had occasional good moments when I think I'm going to be OK, but then I remember that WH is a lying sack of shit and nothing will ever be OK again. Sigh...

Can someone please tell me how long the acute symptoms of this horror last: nightmares, insomnia, lack of appetite and hysterical crying in the car are getting old.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 3:16 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I also am a little surprised and dismayed at the vehemence of some responders

I think vehemence isn't the word I would use. We gave advice reflecting that some of us think 7 years of deceit and betrayal, in your own home at that, is just too much to forgive.

You have a decision to make. Do you have enough capacity to forgive and trust this man over the rest of your marriage? Or are you going to drag out the suffering and misery as you struggle to reconcile; leaving bitterness and ultimately a ruined relationship.

If you can fully forgive go for it; easily the most productive option. If however, its going to be a deal breaker then spare yourself a lot of suffering and file. Only you have the answer to the choices that your husbands selfishness has presented you.


Posts: 1869 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
krispy47
♀ 42863
Member # 42863
Default  Posted: 9:40 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have a decision to make. Do you have enough capacity to forgive and trust this man over the rest of your marriage? Or are you going to drag out the suffering and misery as you struggle to reconcile; leaving bitterness and ultimately a ruined relationship.

If you can fully forgive go for it; easily the most productive option. If however, its going to be a deal breaker then spare yourself a lot of suffering and file. Only you have the answer to the choices that your husbands selfishness has presented you.

Exactly. And right now, I am totally incapable making that decision. I feel like I've just survived a tsunami, and am treading water and trying not to drown until I can get my bearings and figure out which way to swim. I do truly appreciate every single comment on this post so far. I know that the angry-sounding comments are not directed at me, but are life lines thrown out by those already in the lifeboat.


Me: 47 WH: 48
Married 22 years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus rising ONS body count
Status: currently riding the coaster from hell

Posts: 107 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Virginia
hopefulmother
♀ 38790
Member # 38790
Default  Posted: 10:07 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your story is just breaking my heart. This is the first time I have actually cried real tears for a fellow BS. So so so sorry.

I wish this was like some support group that meets once a week, because I want to give you such a huge hug. I also want to beat the crap out of this leech. I see a bunny boiler in your future.

I would out her to everyone. It has been 7 yrs and it is going to be really hard for them to stop cold turkey. Outing it to everyone will let the community shame them and keep a close eye on them both.

It took me 5 months to get over the acute symptoms. By then I had lost 20 pounds (I was down to a size 2), my sanity, and my joy. My poor children had to suffer through my lack of anything but the basics for them. Then I woke up and started to fight back. Anger will do that for you...when you get to that phase. Going on an anti anxiety med helped me. Escitalopram. It really made it easier to deal with sleep issues too. I started around month 4/5 and stayed on 5mg for about 4months.

From the outside it is easy to judge. I have to agree with LASTDANCE.

Your husband (if you can call him that) has been married to another woman on a day to day basis for 7yrs while married to you. He is not going to give this relationship up so easily. Even if it does stop, you are going to question where his heart and thoughts always lie.

You still love your husband. Do not be ashamed of that. You are a good person. In time as the shock wears off and you stop fighting to keep this man, you will wake up and realize "Do you even want this man?"

Do not let him railroad you anymore. You can't allow anymore private conversations. Most likely they are planning a way to take the affair deeper. NO ONE lets go of 7yrs that easily.

[This message edited by hopefulmother at 10:19 AM, March 24th (Monday)]


Me-BW 39
WH-39
D-day 9-4-12
Major TT 8-14
Friends for 20yrs dating since 2000
Married 10yrs with 2 toddlers
My wedding band is a symbol of hope, forgiveness, love, and grace.

Posts: 953 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: PA
scaredyKat
♀ 25560
Member # 25560
Default  Posted: 10:25 AM, March 24th (Monday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You cannot make any permanent decisions right now, and you shouldn't. For those of us whose marriages included years of lies and deception, we need time before making changes, the trauma we are facing is too intense.

However, to all appearances, he threw her under the bus. That gives you a pretty good indication of his level of commitment and attachment to her. Not much. More likely she was a convenience. An ego kibble. An unpaid pro.

His job is to bend over backwards to ensure you that he's done with that hobby. Full transparency. Passive tracking of his cell phone with followup photos of where he is at all times. Total no contact with the toy-woman and a harassment charge if she won't go away. You have complete and total access to passwords, to credit and debit accounts so you see what he is seeing, saying and spending. A polygraph if you want it. ANYTHING you need, and he still doesn't know if he hasn't indeed, thrown away everything good in his life. That's the price he pays. He balks at any of this, you walk. He did this damage, caused the distrust, not you.

You will get through this, with or without him. Practice self care, eat healthy, stay hydrated, get medication if needed. YOU are the prize.


Me-BS-60
HIM-SAFWH-63
Damn autocorrect is responsible for the silly errors, sorry!

Posts: 3868 | Registered: Sep 2009 | From: In my head
Topic Posts: 45
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