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O-L-D, I'm really lonely

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foreverempty posted 3/23/2014 17:25 PM

Well I don't think I'm ready to date. Don't think I ever will be. Made some huge mistakes which I regret massively.

Given up drinking for a year but seriously questioning why?

Spending a lot more time at my parents house. Been here now for 5 nights while my house lays empty.

Tried to kill myself and my dad today, although that's a whole other stupid story of accidentally gassing us with a petrol generator while working in a new build house!

Thing is, whilst laying in hospital this afternoon on oxygen, next to my dad, I realised that I have no one who cares for me apart from my parents. They asked for my next of kin and asked if I was married, I had to say my mum and dad. I guess lucky for me we were working out of area so went to a different A&E (ER) that XWW is ward sister on, that would have been awkward!

Shouldn't be a problem going to her ER if I felt indifferent but I don't, I still harbour feelings, both of hate and need to feel her comfort. It's been over 2 years now.

I will not get any better than I am now, I'm a dweller. I will always regret my part in what went wrong and will always miss what could have been. Still feel the same about previous ex of many many years ago, wish we'd managed to work things out.

I'm craving companionship both emotionally and physically, but don't feel I have the spare time to have a relationship but maybe that's deliberate?

My no drinking has been very easy, but what I have done is restrict my social activities, so I have become more reclusive, up side is I've not been in any situations where I've had a drink and been attracted to the wrong type of woman!

I'm very confused and in the mean time tonight I surfed to see what's going on in the world of OLD. Came across my sister which was amusing, but also then not undeliberately narrowed the search down and found a very pretty lady living not too far from me, who I looked and and thought, "she looks hot" and I doubt any of you would need more than one guess to work out who that was!

Now don't get this confused with wanting her back. I'm not that completely daft in the head even after a serious gassing! But I miss having someone in my life that cares for me, worries about me and is there when I need them.

I'm also 38 in just over a months time, I can see my parents getting more fragile as they grow older and realise that if I don't start my own family, that before too long has passed I will be all alone, laying in a hospital bed old and frail with absolutely no one, no wife, no son, no daughter, nothing.

Holy crap that sounds crap to me.

So. OLD? Worth a shot? LOL

I was trying to give myself a clear 12 months, no alcohol, no dating, just focussing on me. All I'm doing though is going to bed early, getting up late, not going out just waiting for the next 9 months to pass me by so I can start trying to enjoy myself just a little bit again.

Why are my posts always so long and negative and me me me?

Brandon808 posted 3/23/2014 17:34 PM

I get where you're coming from. I really do. Right now I'm sitting in a Panera Bread (coffee shop/restaurant) trying to get some work done. I needed to get out of the house and be among people.

I would recommend the same for you. Get out. Find some activities, hobbies, anything that gets you out and among other people. Focusing on yourself is what you should be doing but like me you're actually just sequestering yourself. That impedes healing.

You need to heal your life. To heal a life you need to figure out how to live a life. That means trying things that may not work but gets you out and experiencing things. Most of all you need to be patient with yourself.

I would wait on OLD. Do it when it is a positive thing and about making connections. Right now you sound more afraid of not doing it.

You said you dwell. If you apply what you learn to the future then you're not dwelling, you're growing and maturing. Make that your approach.

foreverempty posted 3/23/2014 17:58 PM

Thanks Brandon

I'm hugely busy but not putting in enough effort to do the things I need to do. Like me working full time (hate the people I work with but love the job and need the regular income which is very good) and running my own, rather unsuccessful business (unsuccessful because I put myself down too much but could do very well indeed with minimal more effort and I'm very good at what I do so customers tell me).

Then there is my house I need to finish renovation, then there is my other house I need to finish the new bathroom on so my tenants don't have to share 1 between 4 of them, then there is my flat that I'm in the process of changing the letting status from serviced short stay to conventional assured short hold and the associated repair/redecoration works that are needed to get it ready after years of it being used like a hotel and thus a little abused....

Holy crap, writing it all out kinda makes me realise why I'm feeling a little overwhelmed and lacking in confidence, there is no way I can get all that lot done in the time I have!!!

What I need is cheap labour not OLD!

Must Survive posted 3/23/2014 18:20 PM


We are on about the same timeline. I think we go through cycles. I know I was at a low spot a few days ago. I worry that I will never heal from this. Others responded,

It helped to see others going through the same struggles because sometimes (most of the time) I feel as though I should be (I really want to be) through this mess and living my life without the pain.

If I didn't force myself, I could become a hermit.
I could live in my sweats. But that is not good for me. So I have forced myself to get out. I work out 3 times a week at a "boot camp". Other days I walk, bike or kayak. I do this by myself. But at least there are other people around. I have also signed up and volunteer at a homeless shelter and the Red Cross. I always feel better when I am helping someone else. I have taken some
artistic type classes. I have discovered I don't like mosaic (too messy), but like making jewelry, beading etc. I was surprised to see so many gentlemen also doing beading.

I have also made a real effort to make new friends and connect with older ones. Thus far I now have two girlfriends who I can go out with. Sometimes its a movie, dinner, dancing, bar hopping or the farmers market.

It took a while, but I focused on making the changes so that I was not going to end up on my couch watching tv forever.

You might also check with a dr, mine did a blood test and it was discovered that I was low on the vitamin that you get from the sunlight. I started taking those vitamins and make sure I get a bit of sunlight. That also has helped.

So even with all of the above, I can be lonely, nights can be bad. But I am accepting that. I think about dating. I am on 1 site. But haven't really put much effort into it.

Try to figure out what puts a smile on your face.

Brandon808 posted 3/23/2014 18:22 PM

I'm hugely busy but not putting in enough effort to do the things I need to do.
Sounds like you're putting in all of the effort you can considering all that you have on your plate. Right there with you. I took on too much too often. Now I'm focused more on accomplishing work without running myself into the ground.

Strange concept but if you approach by saying to yourself I'm going to respect myself enough to not wreck me in getting this done. I'm going to respect my limits and do the best I can.

dailyflowers posted 3/23/2014 18:24 PM

awwwwww (foreverempty)

actually, I have just come back to SI after a pretty long absence, and I was just wondering about you--- I have to say, your post reads to me like you are doing MUCH better than you give yourself credit for!!!

I actually hear you healing, your posts are not so heartbreakingly raw. You'll get there, I can feel it.

keep spending time on you.

every single night before you go to bed, write down three positive things you had in your day, no matter how big or small. it really does help.


cmego posted 3/23/2014 18:51 PM

I'm like Brandon808, I force myself to go just sit around other people so I'm not quite so lonely on the weekends when I don't have kids. I'm in grad school, so I always have something to study, I find a table and just zone out while at least being in public.

I was sad this weekend, so I only left the house once, I can feel it. I become more withdrawn if I don't force myself out.

I tend to haunt Starbucks, and last week I went in with my dd, and the barista said, "You have a dd?? I always just see you with books!!"

The problem with dating because you are lonely…you will tend to ignore yellow or red flags because you are "desperate" to have someone around.

The first year, to keep myself occupied, I did a LOT of volunteer work on my down weekends. I did not date the first year at all. I did IC, volunteer work and just worked on me.

Now, 3 years out, I put up with so little shit from guys, it isn't even funny. I have a very defined idea of what I am looking for, and if I don't find it…then I'm OK alone too.

foreverempty posted 3/23/2014 19:33 PM

The problem with dating because you are lonely…you will tend to ignore yellow or red flags because you are "desperate" to have someone around.

Oh yes exactly that!

Thanks everyone for being so supportive. Your always there when I'm down.

dailyflowers. It means a lot that you've been thinking of me while you've been gone.

I need to try and get out more. Having my dog Ebony is lush but she does stop me from just popping out and mooching around shops, coffee shops etc. she's great for cuddles at night though. She's my girl

Amazonia posted 3/23/2014 19:35 PM

Forever, can I give you a gentle 2x4?

I am roughly your age. I did the OLD thing, and met a lot of guys, and had a really amazing relationship develop. But I also met a lot of guys who were looking for a date to fix them. That is what I'm seeing in you now.

You are unhappy about where your life is or is headed, and you see OLD as a potential solution, or means to an end for that problem. What that really means is that you see the women you could meet as a solution to your problem, right?

As a woman who would probably fit your demographic, and who met a lot of guys like you, I don't want to solve your problem. I don't want to be responsible for being your source of contentedness.

Very gently, what are you currently bringing to the table in a potential relationship?

You need to work on you, and not just not drinking, which is passive, but actively. You sound bored - so go out, get a hobby, join a sport league, volunteer somewhere, find your purpose in yourself. THEN try OLD. I think you'll attract a much higher caliber of woman and suffer far fewer rejections along the way.

And you'll be happier even if you don't meet someone.

PS - giving up drinking by removing yourself from life isn't really a strong way to learn self control (the whole point of the exercise, no?). When you start going back out, what's the motivation to not just fall back into the exact same pattern?

phmh posted 3/23/2014 19:53 PM

I've said this before to you, but your attitude of things never getting better makes me so sad. Because I worry that it will become a self-fulfilling prophesy, and I know that it doesn't need to be.

Work some on yourself. If you go on OLD now, only crazy, insecure, personality-disordered ladies are going to want to have a relationship with you. Anyone who is healed and who would make a good partner is going to run.

Don't just wish for the next 9 months to fly by -- that's silly. If not drinking (and I do know why you're doing that) is not working for you because it's making you anti-social, do something about that.

Either organize non-drinking activities (or find some already organized) or change your no-drinking challenge to an "only one beer" challenge or something like that.

It's not just time that heals; it's what you do with that time.

Do some reading on happiness; practice gratitude. (the topic on today's headline is perfect for you -- "10 Things to Remember When You Feel Lost and Alone")

There is so much more out there. Find what works for you and don't resign yourself to being broken forever by the actions of your XWW. You can climb out; don't choose to be unhappy the rest of your life. We're all rooting for you!!!

foreverempty posted 3/23/2014 20:15 PM

Very gently, what are you currently bringing to the table in a potential relationship?


I'm a nice guy?

1st date, 2nd date, 3rd date I'd most likely be a lot of fun to be around and will look to be a contented singleton in his late 30's who's done ok for himself, works hard and has a business that's interesting and is developing well.

When they get to know me after a while you'll realise that I have a fantastic persona, but am deeply troubled and that a lot of what you have seen is bravado, that I'm genuinely honest kind and caring but significantly battle scarred.

By then it'll go one of two ways, run a mile and wish me all the best, or, having realised I have potential, fall for me a bit more and risk me possibly running away from heavily committing cause I'm so god damned scared of being comprehensively destroyed again.

The second option is what last years SO chose to do and I let her down although she does not hold any grudges.

She text and we met up for a coffee a few weeks back when she was down with her family and I had chance to apologise to her face to face and she said she hopes I can get myself sorted out properly and find a way to be happy.

The problem (?) with me is that I get so much happiness and feel so completely contented when I have someone in my life that I can make (wrong word but not sure how to phrase it) to feel the most important person in the world. That really doesn't read right sorry.

Co dependant much?

Amazonia. Don't worry about 2x4s. I always respect the words you speak very much.

Amazonia posted 3/23/2014 20:30 PM

I guess I'm challenging you to go out and become the kind of person who you would want to date (gender aside )

And work on that codependence. It's not healthy.

I want to see more active and less reactive from you, more doing and less being affected.

foreverempty posted 3/23/2014 20:32 PM


Thanks for the reading links, I'll take a look tomorrow. I went to bed @8pm from hospital for an early night and it's now 1:30am and I'm still reading on here. I need to get some sleep.

If you go on OLD now, only crazy, insecure, personality-disordered ladies are going to want to have a relationship with you.

Yes this I know. I find it sad that I've contemplated risking that exact situation happening! I should want better for myself.

You've also hit a potential issue right on the head. I have been warned that my approach to this non drinking situation may lead to more trouble than it could cure. What am I expecting to do when the year is up? I've already said I'll be having a party but then I'm right back where I started!

My very good friend spoke with me about it a few weeks ago, he understands the reasons why I'm shying away from drink but also says that a social drink in a safe environment, like a friends house with people I know well, who know my possible issues, where I can feel comfortable to relax and know I will be looked out for.

Also everybody without exception has said, following me explaining why I am doing it, have said I am just trying to punish myself rather than put anything right.

I can't disagree with them. The longer it goes on the more I realise I'm not really achieving anything productive.

Maybe I need to learn a new way to social drink and not binge like I've done in the past.

When I drink though I really really relax. I don't know if that's good or bad and if it's bad I don't know how bad it really is except the last time I really screwed up. But that is a once off isolated incident that's never happened before and I have learned a lot from it already and will never let it happen again. It really scared me.

I don't know. I'm very confused by everything right now.

Need to get some sleep though so I'll say goodnight for now

phmh posted 3/23/2014 20:40 PM

I'm a big fan of moderation.

I saw so many of my friends go absolutely crazy with alcohol when they went to college -- because their parents hadn't taught them how to drink properly. (Note: I did this with Lucky Charms in college, since my parents severely restricted sugared cereal!)

Because I lived in France for a year when I was 16, and because I learned to drink there, my parents allowed to me have wine with dinner my last year of high school.

I learned how to moderate and drink properly, which is something (one of many!) that I'm eternally grateful to my parents for. If I recall, this is a self-imposed challenge; it's not something a professional recommended. I think it bears examination.

Get some good sleep. Sounds like you'll have some time for reflection. I wish I had some good self-help books to recommend.

As I've told you before, I feel a strange kinship with you (perhaps because my D-Day is the day before yours; same year) but I really want you to succeed. I know you can, and it worries me when you know you can't. Because you're the one who will determine what the rest of your life will be like.

Looking forward to hearing how you're feeling in the morning!

And, sending you many healing, happy, positive, optimistic hugs from the States!

foreverempty posted 3/23/2014 20:51 PM

Thanks phmh

You've always seemed so strong. I feel bad I always come here for help rather than helping others. I wish I could have yours and several others strength

foreverempty posted 3/23/2014 20:55 PM

Just finished watching "Butterfly on a wheel"

Had no idea what it was about. Jeepers it's powerful. Wish everyone considering an affair would watch it before they made the first step.

Made me realise how well controlled and behaved I was through my angriest and most emotional times.

Amazonia posted 3/24/2014 06:09 AM

Maybe I need to learn a new way to social drink and not binge like I've done in the past.

When I drink though I really really relax.

Or maybe you need to learn to relax without the alcohol? Or learn to exist socially without relying on it?

For me, when I struggled with moderation, drinking a bottle of water between each bottle of beer, or a glass of water between each glass of wine, helped a lot, and it's easy to do no matter the situation.

foreverempty posted 3/24/2014 08:35 AM

This just popped up on my Sonos random play list.

Made me laugh

drinking a bottle of water between each bottle of beer

I never thought of that!

It's existing socially I'm struggling with. I live out in the sticks a bit. I had begun to socialise more but with that came more drinking. I can happily not drink for a very long time, I'm not reliant on it at all. Got a fridge full at home I've not even contemplated touching.

What makes me feel weird about my choice is situations like what happened with my dad the other day. We'd had a really busy exhausting day and got lots done helping him clear his garage and gardening work, it was a nice day and we had the F1 recorded to watch and dad asked if I'd like a beer with him, to which I said no thanks. He was fine with that but I sat there and thought to myself, 'what the hell am I trying to achieve here?'

norabird posted 3/24/2014 12:27 PM

He was fine with that but I sat there and thought to myself, 'what the hell am I trying to achieve here?'

It seems to me that you're trying to achieve the ability to not need any crutches to be happy or content. That's harder work than just drinking to get those feelings and a worthy goal.

nowiknow23 posted 3/24/2014 13:43 PM

((((forever)))) It's good to see you posting.

I feel bad I always come here for help rather than helping others.
Three things:
1. Not true. You have posted in support of others many MANY times. You're supportive posts are always compassionate and encouraging. You write with a steady and calming voice. Very reassuring.
2. Even if you only posted for help, remember that there are thousands of people who don't post, but rather read along, relate to others who are posting, and gain from reading your posts insights they wouldn't otherwise have as well as a sense of not being alone. So by seeking help, you are helping, even if you never know who you helped.
3. Even if you WEREN'T helping anyone else (and trust me, you are) seeking support and help is the whole blessed point of SI. That's why it's here! That's why we're all here! And lest you think you shouldn't need help by this point, look again at the other folks who are posting for help. You'll find plenty of veterans on both sides of the help needed/help given equation.

It's all good, forever.

[This message edited by nowiknow23 at 1:44 PM, March 24th (Monday)]

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