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Something that has really been bothering me lately

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WhatsRight posted 3/23/2014 17:59 PM

Not that anything can change what has happened, and not that I will ever know, but...

Long story short, I found a picture of my husband's erect penis in the foreground and a naked woman in the background - primping in the mirror. I was home bedridden for 4 months, and when I found it I called my husband into the bedroom and asked him who is this? (I HONESTLY DIDN'T KNOW. Pathetic, I know.

His response was, "A prostitute."

I don't remember exactly what happened that night, but it was bad. I was hysterical, and now, 7 years later, I have just found out that my kids heard us.

Anyway, I found out that there had been inappropriate emails with women, and porn.

Anyway, in counseling, he said that he would NEVER be able to forget the look on my face when I found out about the prostitute. That the horror of it would never leave him. That he couldn't imagine that he had hurt me in that way.

Then, I found out a few months later that the emails and porn had continued.

Was it a lie??? Did it really bother him? Is it possible that it realy hurt him that it had hurt me so much - and yet he did it again?

Or, was he just lying in order to avoid worse conflict with me?

I ask for this reason. I am seriously contemplating divorce for the first time since his infidelity. I don't mean this is the first time I have thought of it - I mean that I am trying to determine for real if my marriage is over. It is a huge decision because of kids - especially because one is in drug rehab right now. He has zero respect for his dad, and I fear that it may go back to knowing that he cheated on me. I don't know.

Anyway, a big part of my decision about divorce is trying to determine whether my WH is a good person (like I used to think) but he just did a truly horrible thing. OR if he is really just an awful person. I have forgiven the infidelity...I know that I will never be able to forgive and move on if he does not show me that he is the kind of person that feels remorse and will work toward healing.

Any words of wisdom?

norabird posted 3/23/2014 20:05 PM

I think if you believed it was just a lapse from a good person you would not be struggling. So, being outside the situation, I can only take my cues from that and assume that you are right--that there is a deeper brokenness and lack of remorse.

I don't think you should try to stay because of a child facing rehab by the way. They are on their own journey and you are on yours. No matter what you will continue to be a loving and supportive mom and that's what matters--not if you D.

hardtimesinlife posted 3/23/2014 21:57 PM

If you aren't in alanon I urge you to start. Divorcing, fighting, R'ing - none of it will make your child an addict, none of it will help your child recover from addiction. If your DS has no respect for his dad then he has no respect for his dad. That is between them. As a recovering addict I can assure you that your son can find any excuse to use. Some are convenient and some he might have to pull out of thin air but life has plenty of excuses to use. Whether or not he stays clean will depend on his commitment, how hard he works his program and how much he wants it. I know this is a hard time for you and rightly so but please don't take on more responsibility than is necessary. Hugs.

gonnabe2016 posted 3/23/2014 22:40 PM

I am seriously contemplating divorce for the first time

I am honestly at this announcement from you. I never thought that you would reach this point.


Did it really bother him?

I don't think he was bothered by hurting you.
I think he was most likely bothered by the fact that you found out his dirty little secret and his *wonderful husband* cover got blown.


I have forgiven the infidelity...I know that I will never be able to forgive and move on if he does not show me that he is the kind of person that feels remorse and will work toward healing.

He has shown you time and time again that he will not work towards healing.

There is a whole lot of gray area between being a good person and being an awful person. Bottom line is that your WH has done nothing to *repair* the marriage or make it a *good* place for the both of you. IIRC, he is physically disabled and suffers from depression, but he won't seek treatment for himself. He may be the greatest guy in the world, but there's a significant part of him that is broken and he won't fix it. You're the only one who can decide whether you can live with that or not.......

Gemini71 posted 3/23/2014 22:49 PM

Your WS is the only person who can tell you if he was truly hurt by his actions.

However, his behavior with internet porn and prostitutes points towards a sexual addiction or compulsion. That is a VERY deep level of damage, and if he is not willing to put in the hard work to get better, his behavior will continue.

I second the suggestion for finding an al-anon or even s-anon program. You cannot control another person's recovery, only your own.

sisoon posted 3/24/2014 10:51 AM

I expect he really did mean it when he said it, but because he never made any real changes to himself, he couldn't follow through with his intention.

For R to work at its best, the WS has to do the work necessary to change from cheater to good partner.

A WS who has good intentions but who doesn't do the work doesn't do much for the BS.

WhatsRight posted 3/24/2014 14:50 PM

Thank you for your responses.

I am so confused.

I will be attending my first al-anon meeting this week. I dread it with ever fiber of my being.

hardtimesinlife posted 3/24/2014 21:52 PM

Why do you dread it, WhatsRight? It is just an IRL version of SI but for the family members of addicts and alcoholics. People are good and kind and want you to learn how to be happy. Just like here. Sure, there may be a turd among them but those are few and far between. Just give it enough time. And remember that everyone you meet is there for the same reason. They know what you are dealing with and how rough it can be. And most of what you will learn will also help with the fallout of infidelity. Hugs. Big ones. I'd come with you if I was in your area.

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