"Noone can make you feel inferior without your concent." Eleanor Roosevelt
Not that anything can change what has happened, and not that I will ever know, but...
Long story short, I found a picture of my husband's erect penis in the foreground and a naked woman in the background - primping in the mirror. I was home bedridden for 4 months, and when I found it I called my husband into the bedroom and asked him who is this? (I HONESTLY DIDN'T KNOW. Pathetic, I know.
His response was, "A prostitute."
I don't remember exactly what happened that night, but it was bad. I was hysterical, and now, 7 years later, I have just found out that my kids heard us.
Anyway, I found out that there had been inappropriate emails with women, and porn.
Anyway, in counseling, he said that he would NEVER be able to forget the look on my face when I found out about the prostitute. That the horror of it would never leave him. That he couldn't imagine that he had hurt me in that way.
Then, I found out a few months later that the emails and porn had continued.
Was it a lie??? Did it really bother him? Is it possible that it realy hurt him that it had hurt me so much - and yet he did it again?
Or, was he just lying in order to avoid worse conflict with me?
I ask for this reason. I am seriously contemplating divorce for the first time since his infidelity. I don't mean this is the first time I have thought of it - I mean that I am trying to determine for real if my marriage is over. It is a huge decision because of kids - especially because one is in drug rehab right now. He has zero respect for his dad, and I fear that it may go back to knowing that he cheated on me. I don't know.
Anyway, a big part of my decision about divorce is trying to determine whether my WH is a good person (like I used to think) but he just did a truly horrible thing. OR if he is really just an awful person. I have forgiven the infidelity...I know that I will never be able to forgive and move on if he does not show me that he is the kind of person that feels remorse and will work toward healing.
Any words of wisdom?
I will not be vanquished. Rose Kennedy