We all hope and pray for the existance of karma. We want our WS's and their partner's to pay or at least feel some sort of pain or remorse for what they did....whether it be in the form of emotional regret...or current life difficulties. But, what about our own karma? Are there really peaks and valleys in life......or are there peaks....valleys....and bottomless pits of despair?? Are they self-created? Do we control how far we fall? Or is there a purpose for the pain and the difficulties that we face in life... are these tests to make us stronger? Or tests to see how long it takes until life finallly finds our breaking point? I don't know. I've lost all my belief.... and what I used to have that I called faith....and hope.... and dreams..... seems to have gotten lost in the darkness along the way somehow....
I like to think of myself as a good person. I try to treat others as I want to be treated.... but many times...that makes me a doormat rather than a good person. People in this day and age use good people to get what they want....or take advantage of them for their own personal gain.
I trusted so much for so long....that I don't know what to trust anymore. I don't trust just about anyone..... including my own intuition....my own gut... my own anything. I'm trying not to "have a moment" right now.... but I'm starting to feel hopeless again. I recently found out my health insurance for my daughter and I was going to go up to about $100 out of pocket per month... and my student loan payments that I had suspended and lowered so that I could withstand 6 weeks of unpaid maternity leave without the wrath of my XWH coming after me legally.... are now going back up. I know that $400 to most people is not much.... but that was my grocery money... and I'm very thankful that I was smart enough to not take a vacation this year and put away some of my tax money as a buffer to help us survive.
I am and have been looking for another job.... but its not as easy as one would think. I need stability.... so I can't take something that's unpredictable or commission-based. I love my job....but now with the insurance increase...my raise is moot. I will be making less money per month than I did when I started over 2 years ago.
As most of you know ....I moved in with my dad in February. I am very grateful for this.....otherwise....I would be drowning in debt far worse than I am now. I've done the math.....and food will be hard to afford.
I am 34 years old... and have come to terms that I am not where I want to be in life..... and may never find someone to share it with other than my current family and daughter. Who would want me? I don't think I would.
I live in a town where jobs are scarce..... the available decent men are taken... and the choice of moving is not really an option right now since I'm struggling as badly as I am. I don't even know why I'm writing this other than to just get it off my chest. I feel hopeless.... and helpless.... I work hard and have come far and my boss seems much more pleased with me which I'm glad about.... but it doesn't change anything.
The other night.....my daughter was screaming and being so difficult when I was out with friends just visiting. My patience was so limited.....but I kept my cool...and when I got her to bed..... I laid in bed and cried. Sometimes being a single mom is so so SO very hard. People don't realize how nice it would be to ONE night....where I don't have be the one to give her a bath.....or make her dinner.... or put her to bed.... or deal with the tantrum.....or worry about the bills. Sometimes...I get so jealous.....of real families... because sometimes...finding the inner strength to be the mommy and the daddy.... can be really daunting to my soul.... but I will do it. For her. This is all for her. She is what keeps me....moving forward. The only thing.
I expect 2x4's and whatever else but I think my mind just needed to sort this out in words....and purge it onto cyber paper if you will. I have no motivation.... other than to be heard. Thank you for listening.
I need a miracle. Goodnight SI.
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 10:15 PM, March 23rd (Sunday)]
ME - BW - 35 HIM - XWH - 39 D day: November 15th, 2009 Married: 5 Years, together 8 Divorced: December 13th, 2010 New Beginning: Piper/8-3-12
It sucks when things keep piling on top of you and it feels like the suckiness will never end.
It won't rain all the time The sky won't fall forever And though the night seems long Your tears won't fall forever Jane Siberry - It Can't Rain All The Time
Jane Siberry - It Can't Rain All The Time
(((Shelly))) - double dose of hugs.
"I’ve learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel". –Maya Angelou
This too shall pass. It's hard work, focus on the future.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
Life's good.
It will get better, I promise you! First of all, try to remember that your dd is at her most physically challenging stage in her life (for you). She is a separate human being, complete with her own developing thoughts and actions, but you still need to do 99% of everything for her. I swear to you, it gets better. Can your dad help? Serious question. My mom could help with my little ones, but my dad was pretty worthless with babies/toddlers. He is MUCH better with older kids.
Cry it out tonight, and in the morning, be thankful for the blessings you have in life - a safe place to live at very little cost, a recent raise that will help off set the increase in expenses, a day care you are happy with that allows you to work and run after work, a daughter and a dad who are great family, a job that you can go to every day (even if it's not ideal, don't discredit the value of this - 1, it's a check, and 2, there are a lot of studies that show job searching while employed is much more likely to lead to finding something than job searching while unemployed - hiring biases exist!).
What about odd jobs that would pay cash to supplement what you're earning from work? Weekend in-your-home baby sitting when you'd already be watching Piper? Evening tutoring in math for school aged kids or accounting for local college kids? Advertise on Care.com as a personal assistant available to run errands for the elderly, etc.?
I know it's not ideal, but if it's the difference between feeding your daughter Top Ramen every night and being able to afford some veggies and meat to put on the table, it might be worth it.
I send out the negative thoughts and I bring in the positive. For the most part, it really works for me. I'd say 90% of the time I am a very positive person. People ask me all the time, "How do you do it?" My response is, "This is just what works for me. Staying in the past does me no good and I can't see what is in front of me."
Now, after losing my latest dating prospect, I allowed myself to feel down, eat ice cream and just feel…sad. But, right back up this morning positive, sending him positive thoughts if I think about him, eating healthy and looking forward.
It is a work in progress, but I try to look for the sunshine.
As for the twin pillars of count your blessings, choose positive thoughts over negative ones. Well yeah, sure. Both of those, always.
But I have sympathy for how hard living in fear is. That's different from having a set back or two. It's easy to choose positive when there's only one negative to put to bed. But when you are embattled, you have to choose positive 100 million times a day, have to choose positive everywhere you look. That is just exhausting. I know. No 2x4s from me.
Honestly? I get through it purely by saying "well, it could be worse, I could be ... homeless, older, fatter, not have my health." Seriously, I know technically comparing yourself to others is a slippery slope but in this instance, this is what stops my complete pity party and allows me to reframe somewhat.
My student loans went from over $600/mo to $35/mo, based on my income and 2 person household (me and DD).
This is no joke, and is not a scam. Go to www.studentloans.gov and you'll need your federal student loan PIN, which if you have student loans, you already have a PIN, then you apply for the income based repayment plan. You can even electronically transfer over your tax return info from the IRS for faster approval.
Advantages of IBR Pay based on what you earn—Under IBR, your monthly payment amount will be 15 percent of your discretionary income, will never be more than the amount you would be required to pay under the 10-year Standard Repayment Plan, and may be less than under other repayment plans. Interest payment benefit—If your monthly IBR payment amount doesn’t cover the interest that accrues (accumulates) on your loans each month, the government will pay your unpaid accrued interest on your Direct Subsidized Loans or Subsidized Federal Stafford Loans (and on the subsidized portion of your Direct or FFEL Consolidation Loans) for up to three consecutive years from the date you began repaying your loan under IBR. Limitation on the capitalization of interest—While you have a partial financial hardship, interest that accrues but is not covered by your loan payments will not be capitalized, even if interest accrues during a deferment or forbearance. 25-year forgiveness—If you repay under IBR and meet certain other requirements, any remaining balance will be forgiven after 25 years of qualifying repayment.
Interest payment benefit—If your monthly IBR payment amount doesn’t cover the interest that accrues (accumulates) on your loans each month, the government will pay your unpaid accrued interest on your Direct Subsidized Loans or Subsidized Federal Stafford Loans (and on the subsidized portion of your Direct or FFEL Consolidation Loans) for up to three consecutive years from the date you began repaying your loan under IBR.
Limitation on the capitalization of interest—While you have a partial financial hardship, interest that accrues but is not covered by your loan payments will not be capitalized, even if interest accrues during a deferment or forbearance.
25-year forgiveness—If you repay under IBR and meet certain other requirements, any remaining balance will be forgiven after 25 years of qualifying repayment.
Marriages that start this way, stepping over the bodies of loved ones as the giddy couple walks down the aisle, are not likely to last.
Also, there comes a time we need to stop making excuses and make changes instead.
Forget about other people's karma. It's between them their maker. Comparing and feeling the unfairness is natural to an extent but it really holds us back in the end.
You are doing so much that is good and right. I can imagine that caring for a toddler is one of the hardest times in parenting. It's going to change for the better. Hang in there!
The day that Shelly has only one emotocon is seriously sad day. I am sorry you are feeling so down.
How perceptive of you. I didn't even realize it until now. You are right. I did only use one. I was lost in thought....lost in the moment.... letting myself FEEL what I needed to at that time. My therapist said...when those emotions surface....get them out....don't stuff them back down. That's what I did. I don't really wish ill will on anyone. People reap what they sow. I know that. I just feel like I try really hard....and have made so many changes and keep pushing and pushing....and sometimes..... every once in a while.... when my daughter is screaming.....my body is sore from running..... work is driving me insane....and life seems impossible.... I just wanna run out into an open field.....lay down....and stare at the sky.
And, pretend like that is all I ever will need to do for the rest of my life. Just be.
I think I need a vacation. (even though fat chance on that anytime soon!)
{{{hugs}}}}
It does get better....really, honestly, and truthfully. You just need to survive this small part.
Hang in there girl.
{{{hugs}}}
k9
It's hard, damn hard raising a kid alone.
What makes it harder is thinking how hard it is! Trust yourself that you'll deal with whatever comes your way. Then stop dwelling on it and looking at how hard it is. You'll handle whatever comes your way!!!
Look at your past, you knew having a baby while single would be incredibly difficult to manage, and now Piper is no longer a baby! Was it as hard as you imagined it being?
My mind plays tricks on my body. Right now I'm moving so bear with me: I needd to move a fully loaded 2drawer file cabinet upstairs-the movers locked it and I haven't located the key yet. That cabinet sat in my living room for 2weeks, I dreaded moving it, kept thinking about it, hating the fact that my DD didn't have time to help me move it. One day I woke up and told myself " it isn't going to get upstairs by itself" and made plans to move it myself. Yes it was heavy, and awkward, but it weighed more in my mind. My knees aren't hurting as badly as I THOUGHT they would. And my office is almost complete-upstairs
Trust yourself that you'll do what needs doing and you'll do it alone, but the burden while not light isn't as heavy as your mind leads you to believe.
Hugs,
[This message edited by Kajem at 7:12 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]
the only advice I have is to consider looking for a damn good job someplace else. Your town sounds limited. A bigger place might have jobs to offer that pay enough to make a move worth it. I was stunned when I stepped out of my location box and found outhow underpaid I was.
“Many of us crucify ourselves between two thieves - regret for the past and fear of the future.” -foulton oursler
Harder actually....breastfeeding her for 13 months was awful...it was not the commercially romantic bonding situation you see in books or movies....it was pumping 5 to 7 times a day for 396 days and nights sometimes at 1am and 3am and 6am and then 3 times at work EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. And, my daughter didn't sleep through the night for the 1st time until 10.5 months......imagine how fun THAT was single. But, the good always outweighs the bad with babies....and the love they give you makes you forget the struggles you endure.....
You know what..... I will tell you all something about myself that not many know. I know some will judge me for this but everyone has their own story in life...have to make their own decisions...and do what is best for them in any given circumstances.... When I was 18.... my 1st boyfriend got me pregnant. He had taken my virginity and had been married before...he was 6 years older than me. He told me that he was sterile and couldn't get anyone pregnant. He was wrong. I was not ready to be a mom. No where near ready. I made the most difficult decision of my life and had an abortion. I know that's a controversial stance and I don't expect everyone to agree with what I did. But, I did what I felt I needed to do for myself at that time and I don't regret it. But, I won't lie....besides the night I thought I had miscarried....it was the worst thing I had ever endured.....and I cried the whole time.
BUT......in that same token....as I grew older....and got married at 25....I realized how much I longed for motherhood. I told myself that I would NEVER and COULD NEVER make that decision again as an older more matured woman. And, hence......when my "surprise" baby girl came along at the age of 32.....it was a little bit of a shocker. I was unemployed when I found out....no insurance.....pregnant by probably one of the biggest losers on the planet...(hence NOT PLANNED....I was on the pill and he "said" he had a vasectomy... - my history of untrusting men repeated) and I was left terrified....and devastated. What I had wanted for SO LONG while married....was happening....but with the wrong person... and at the wrong time in my life.... and I was left with a decision.
And, that decision was crystal clear. I was keeping her....no questions or doubts about it.
God looked out for me. I believe that. I got my current job offer LITERALLY 3 days after I found out I was pregnant and I got full on insurance that covered my pregnancy without a pre-existing condition limit just 2 months later! I finished my 1st trimester and was covered! I started out making what I had made at my previous job that I was laid off at (which was really good since my area typically underpays because of the high volume and quality of the unemployment pool!) And, when I told my employer around 13 weeks about my situation....she was gracious and understanding and I was able to keep my position when I went on unpaid leave! Heck! My entire department came to the hospital to visit us that Friday morning to meet my little Piper!
It is hard being a single mom. It outright sucked having to move back home with my father.....pride sucking and frustrating to my independence. But, it was necessary. In order for my daughter to have the best childcare... diapers.... a roof over her head....food in her belly...and clothes on her back....I had to do what was best for her. And, this is it. It wasn't easy... but I would make the same decision again.
The next few years will be a big struggle....but I will pick at my debt piece by piece....and I will continue to look for a higher paying position (quietly) and do my current job like a continually self-improving professional.
I love being a mom and God gave me a gift. He answers our prayers.....just not always the way we expect him to. He most definitely works in mysterious ways....but as they say....never gives us more than we can handle.....so just keep moving forward I suppose....
One day..... I will be able to look back and be proud of the sacrifices I made to get us to a better place. I hope anyways!
[This message edited by She11ybeanz at 9:45 AM, March 25th (Tuesday)]
So....I'm in college trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up.
You took amazing steps to better your situation. You're a good mom. You're a good person. You will get good things in life.
Just keep swimming, Shelly.
