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Didact posted 3/23/2014 22:47 PM

I am sorry this is so long, writing it out has actually helped slightly.

Before the affair, our 28 year marriage had many ups and many downs. We were married young, and so made many mistakes (no known affairs).

But for the last 10 years, I had naively believed it was more up than down. We were fortunate enough from my prior job that neither of us really needed to work financially. My wife chose to work because she liked what she did for a living (RN) and it provided benefits. I was a stay at home dad for our two youngest (now 9 & 11). Two years ago, my former business partner asked if I’d start a new law firm with him. My wife and I talked about it, we hoped that it wouldn’t take too much time from us, but we agreed that it was a good idea. We both knew the danger of the time it would consume. Business aside, it wasn’t a good idea for our marriage. The workload is relatively heavy and because I own the place, I brought home a cloud of problems from work each day. Our marriage was in a rut, and I was at least half responsible for it.

Several weeks ago, I discover a text message that was suggestive of an intimate relationship, but was addressed from someone who used to be a (female) co-worker of my wife. It was on the phone front page, so she hadn’t deleted it yet. Hours later it was gone from her phone. More texts came from the same number and she quickly read them and deleted them in front of me. For a week, I went through every imaginable possibility.
In the end, I confronted her, and she stuck with the story that it was a girlfriend from work, how dare I?

I felt guilty for not trusting her, and tried to calm down. That night, for first time in weeks, she suggested sex. It was worst ever, which, given the state of the rut and boredom we were in, was saying something. 24 miserable hours later, I was emotionally certain sure she was lying.

I pulled the cell phone and data records and was shocked. 40% of her call time was with that same number--4-8 hours of phone minutes per month, dating back for over a year. Worse, there was a 40 min call to that number shortly after I previously confronted her. Now knowing these details, I again confronted her. Story changed to it was harmless flirting, though this time there was no outrage at the suggestion. But she assured me that there was nothing more, and she again promised all contact would stop.

45 minutes later, she then called him again from our home phone, thinking that I wouldn’t have ability to look at that. I also at that point sent my own text message to him, asking if he’d like to talk about the nature of his relationship with my wife. Later, I used a friend to help discover his identity – because she said it would do nothing for me to know and she wasn’t going to tell me who it was.

When I pressed her on the issue of the phone call, she refused to talk to me about it. While I was too upset to recognize it at the time our kids were in the car with her, and she didn’t want to talk about it in front of them. When I kept pressing on whether she’d made the call that I knew she had, she told me “enough! I’ve told you everything!” and hung up on me. I immediately texted her saying if we couldn’t talk, I have to talk to his wife. She didn’t reply to my text. So I made good on my bluff. OP’s wife’s phone went to voicemail, I left a message saying I had something personal and hard to talk with her about. I was cornered and afraid, thinking that this was the only way things would stop.

That afternoon, my wife confessed to the affair. It took several days to get many of the details, including (over the next few days) correcting a few lies about some of the confessions. In short, the details were devastating.

The affair had been going on for 11 months, 2 visits per week with multiple sex sessions on many of those times. It happened, inter alia, in our bedroom, our spare, our couches, his bedroom(s?), a least one of the cars. So many times they had long ago lost count. It was all unprotected, but that was ok because he said it was ok. I asked for the brutal details and got some. She told me that the sex was better than ours because of a number of issues, including his size, his fitness and that he cared more. Other details she doesn’t want to tell me, because they are too trivial in her mind, or (/fear) they are even more devastating. She is angry if I ask for them. I am angry when she tells me some of them, though I try.

The day after I learned the first details, OP’s wife called me back and I told her that her husband and my wife had been having an affair for nearly a year. My wife is furious at me for that call – she is worried for their family. OP’s wife claims that she couldn’t be more grateful, and disclosed some very large details about affair that my wife had omitted, even when I asked. She has called me a few times, but now seems disappointed that I appear to be giving my wife a shot at reconciliation.

My wife tells me that she doesn’t want to continue the affair and that she is deeply sorry and wants to rebuild. Many times I believe this. There are times when the talks get heated that the state of our marriage at the time the affair started is brought up. I don’t like being blamed, but our marriage clearly needed work, and I needed to be a part of that work.

From the day I confronted her about the text message until almost today, I had consistently said that if she stopped talking with him or seeing him, and if she was fully honest with me, I’d be willing to work on things. Except for perhaps yesterday, each day, she has broken one or both of those promises in one way or another. I don’t think she was dishonest yesterday, and I don’t think she had contact with him. Today, she asked permission to meet with him in private to end it formally – for closure. The fact that she asked me instead of just meeting him was encouraging. She told me she didn’t want to break up by note, and that in person was best way. I offered to accompany her, and she said no. I went back and forth, but ultimately told her that if she needed more private time with him, she’d have to lie to me about it, and that if we ever built a new foundation for this relationship, the first building block was then going to be based on a lie. She said she wouldn’t contact him then.
She asked if she could call him while I was on the phone. I said yes, as long as it is short and direct. She said great, she’ll text him to let him know the call was incoming. I agreed, and she agreed to save the text message.

I’m terrified to discover what’s next…

I don’t know if I’m just being insanely jealous and pushing too hard on details. It has been less than a week since the affair was exposed. Maybe it is all too soon, but it feels like I can’t get into it enough.

I also don’t know if I am overblowing the idea of no private closure with her affair partner.

The range of emotions are pretty spectacular, worse than anything I have ever experienced or imagined.

Help.

hewasmine posted 3/23/2014 23:20 PM

This reply is my 1st time posting here. I am so sorry for what you are going threw. You made the right decision by calling the other guy's wife. That just threw a stick in the gears of their fantasy. Others will come along to give you some great advice soon. I just wanted to welcome you to the club no one wants to be in and let you know your not alone

Emptyshelldad posted 3/23/2014 23:38 PM

Wow. I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. Read the healing library as it has some really good articles about what a remorseful spouse sounds like. It certainly sounds like she is not truly remorseful.

She got caught and she is sorry about that. She probably doesn't want the divorce so she is sorry about that.

But that is all really far from really wanting you. I say meet with Lawyer and file for divorce. You can always stop the proceeding later, but for now she is not facing any real consequences of her affair. I mean for crying out loud she is more worried about his family than about you, or your family for that matter. She could not be more selfish and entitled.

If she doesn't not see immediate remifications of her actions then she will face no real consequences. I mean, ask herself how her life will change in the things she cares about if you just try to work this out all neat and tidy.

She still has you, still has your income, still has your help with the children, still has the house, the life....etc. Everything is e same. No consequences.

My father gave me the same advice. And when I finally took it, I saw immediate and big big changes in my WW (wayward wife). But also it helped me to realize I didn't need her, and that life would move on great without her. So, I was able to make a free and clear and well informed choice about whether or not to try and reconcile with my wife. Having lived without her for a bit showed me how life would be without her.....not as bad as I thought. And it showed her, how life would be without me......much worse then she could have imagined. So now.....she is all about wanting to do whatever it takes.

She needs to see that her actins have consequences. Fee l free to private message me if you ever just need to talk.

stronger08 posted 3/24/2014 01:06 AM

Bro this is a very typical A and your WW is acting just as typical. Closure ? I don't so. Do not allow this because it just gives her another free pass to screw him. Think about this carefully here. She has been involved with this asshole for a year and now all of a sudden she is sorry. She is not sorry for having the A, she is sorry that you caught her. I understand your hurting and looking for some sort of sense to it all. But the truth is there is no sense to be found. Stop taking on the burden of this A as you had nothing to do with it. I don't care what the condition of your M was. The A is 100% her responsibility and it has no bearing on the M prior. You need to understand that while the M may have been influx, she had choices. She could have spoken to you about this, she could have sought MC, shit she even could have asked for a D. But what did she do ? She went out behind your back and got herself a lover. She lied and covered it up as much she could, going as far to make his phone number appear as another person. These are not the behaviors of a person who just got caught up in something. This was plotted and executed. It was premeditated councilor !!! So stop allowing yourself to think you have contributed to this A. And I have to say that plan of action will not work. You have to make a stand now. Do not under any circumstances show weakness. Even if your heart is about to fall out of your chest. Don't show it as she will simply use it to her advantage. The WS thrives on the fears and insecurities of the BS. It gives them power that will be used to inflict further harm on you.

Another mistake is to think you can rationalize with her, that you can negotiate or mediate her into fixing this mess. Fact is infidelity is emotional terrorism and you don't negotiate with terrorists. The only option available to you right now is to stand tall and lay down the law (Pun intended) Right now she is so filled up with the fantasy that the OM represents she can not see the real truth here. Her demeaning and comparing you to him as a man and lover is proof positive of this. There is absolutely nothing you can do but drag this sordid mess into the light of reality. Reality is the only solution that will help your situation. So what are your options ? Well for one you informed his BS, great move on your part. Don't regret that one no matter what your WW says or feels about it. Did she consider your feelings when she fucked OM in your home and bed ? Did she consult you prior ? I think not, so don't feel you owe her anything especially consideration because you don't owe her a damn thing. Your next move has to be to demand NC. Don't ask, demand it. You also must come up with a list of requirements you need to heal. Those must be demanded as well. She then has the option of what she wants to do. She can chose to work on her M and do whatever you have asked of her or she can balk at your demands. If she balks you must be able to follow through with consequences. And the ultimate consequence is D. Don't be afraid to use D as a weapon as its probably all you have right now. If she insists on going that route, well the gloves need to come off and you need to do whatever you need to do in order to protect yourself and your family. Action begets action, remember that. Talk is cheap right now and do not allow her to talk up a good game nor should you use words either. Action my man is the only barometer that will gauge sincerity. Please keep in mind now that you have caught her she has no right to privacy either. I'd bet my left nut that she will pull the privacy card real soon. There is no such thing as privacy after an A. She must be totally transparent with you. This will get worse before it gets better. But you need to man up, otherwise she is going to walk all over you.

I'm going to shut up for the time being. There is much you need to process and consider. I don't want to overwhelm you with my advice. But you really have to take that stand now brother. You must show strength and resolve or your M is doomed. Weakness is simply not an option when dealing with an A. Lay the cards on the table and let the chips land where they may. She started this, but you must finish it. Your future happiness and stability depends on it. I'd like to welcome you and suggest you follow the advice given here. We all have walked in your shoes, we all have done the wrong things at first. But with experience comes wisdom. Please use our mistakes and wisdom to your advantage. Please keep posting and reading.

OK now posted 3/24/2014 03:42 AM

Frankly, unless your wife becomes remorseful instead of regretful it will be difficult to reconcile. Right now she is blame shifting; almost blaming you for her decision to have the affair.

She had so much high quality sex with the OM, and she felt the need to inform you that you did not match up as a lover. For a whole year she walked around with his bodily fluids inside of her 24/7. Now she decides that even though you hardly match up as a paramour, it would be a good idea to reconcile; providing you accept the blame for creating the conditions that caused her to cheat.

She has to be stripped of this arrogance or you will never be able to let go of the pain and humiliation she has caused you. Unless she can transform your current and future lovemaking into a comparable quality to that very much enjoyed with her lover, you will suffer by comparison. I don't think many men could absorb this humiliation without a supreme effort from a very remorseful WW. Your masculinity has been battered; what is she going to do to put things right?

lordhasaplan? posted 3/24/2014 08:23 AM

Sorry you had to join our club. Your wife is not making this discovery less traumatic for you , in fact she is adding to her mess. A few pieces of straight to do's.
1. Go see a lawyer and make sure you know your rights and how to protect yourself asap.
2. Get tested for STD's. Many on here have been exposed by WW's who had unprotected sex, "because he said he was ok"
3. Start to go to counseling, a good IC will help you work through all this turmoil.
4. Make sure you keep all documentation of her affair. Gather it and put it in a place of safe keeping.
5. Tell her she must send No contact letter and become completely transparent.
6. Watch her actions, not words. this is where her true remorse will be demonstrated.

Sorry your here bro,

[This message edited by lordhasaplan? at 8:24 AM, March 24th (Monday)]

deena04 posted 3/24/2014 09:29 AM

I am so sorry for you having to be here. Please remember that we are all here to listen and help if we can. Eat, drink water, and exercise. Rest when you can. Work on you! Read the Healing Library, which has wonderful and helpful information. You have been heard!!

shiloe posted 3/24/2014 09:51 AM

You got a lot of good advice.

She is not sorry for having the A, she is sorry that you caught her

I believe Stronger is on the mark.

Be cautious, they will most likely take the A underground.

hopefulmother posted 3/24/2014 11:03 AM

DO NOT ALLOW PRIVATE CLOSURE!

It will haunt you for the rest of your life what was said and what went on.

They don't have that right to that intimacy anymore!

Bigger posted 3/24/2014 11:12 AM

Friend,

I hope I don’t sound callous or as if I don’t care… There are SO MANY posters that come here, post their story and then disappear. We can help you find ways out of the quandary you are in but it won’t be in a single 300 word posting. The collective experience here on SI could probably tell you step-by-step how things will develop with +80% reliability. But it takes time and it takes feedback…

So please – post again. If nothing more than simply a statement telling us you have read the offered advice. Just let us know and I promise you will get the help you need. (Note: not the help you want but definitely the help you need)…

I will offer you these three things to ponder on:
First; I take it you are an attorney and I’m assuming you are not specialized in divorce cases. You know the old adage; the attorney that represents himself has a fool for a client. NO MATTER WHAT then in the next 72 hours call in on a colleague that has experience in divorce and get your rights confirmed. This DOES NOT mean you intend on divorcing. Chances are you have a favor somewhere and can do this in an unofficial way.
Compare it to when you get into a car: Your first action is to put on the belt despite having no intention of crashing the car. It’s simply a safety precaution. Just like you examine all options when negotiating, preparing a merger or whatever important task you have ahead of you.

Second; Take an hour or so to think seriously about what you want out of a marriage. No – do NOT think what you want out of your wife. Rather what YOU want a marriage to be. What is the aim, the purpose, the intentions… How do you see a wife’s role and your role now, in 10 years, when you retire… If I compare this to a business process then basically do a job description. Then evaluate whether your wife is the best applicant.

Third; I am quite confident that she really is honest when she says the affair is over. Just like an alcoholic is determined not to drink again when he wakes up with a splitting headache in the county jail… But until your wife deals with the issues that made her decide having an affair was a swell idea… you and your marriage are doomed to repeats. There IS NOT WAY to avoid the confrontation ahead. There is NO WAY to deal with this in any way other than with mutual intent and determination. Until and unless your wife truly commits to the marriage from a base where she fully acknowledges that this was wrong… then you don’t have a break.

And finally…

“Private closure” is like stopping at a bar on the way to an AA meeting. It really shows her lack of intent.

doggiediva posted 3/24/2014 11:27 AM

I agree with other posters in that finding out your rights is a good idea...Your WW seems more sorry that she got caught..

Many of these cheaters aren't truly remorseful, they hand us crumbs enough of them so that we don't enact consequences..

In other words she doesn't want to lose the comforts of the marriage..

Like other posters say and I agree one of the best interventions you could do is consult with the best divorce specialists in your area..

This is where my advice differs from other posters..

If at all possible in your given circumstance I would go ahead and file..

Do not table the divorce at a later point if she seems remorseful..

See it thru to its finality..If she is really remorseful, your wife will wait..

She will walk to the ends of the earth with you..

If she was remorseful she would work to regain your trust..If your wife didn't have an ulterior motive in remaining married to you she would accept the D as something you have to do to protect yourself..

She would wait for you, rebuild a new relationship with you...She would be grateful for ANY relationship she could salvage with you..

But your WW lost her rights to be officially your wife in a legal sense as per marriage certificate..

KWIM?

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:34 AM, March 24th (Monday)]

Uhtred posted 3/24/2014 11:37 AM

Man I hate to hear it brother. This shit really sucks but you have received great advice. You must strip your wife of her arrogance. Right now she is sorry for being caught. I'm glad you told the other man's wife. That is always the first order of business.

twisted posted 3/24/2014 11:46 AM

First, Bigger has listed great advice, and is in my opinion one of the wisest here and has been here longer than me, (check the member numbers- over 10 years).
I would only add after many years of marriage and discovering a long term affair, my only regret looking back now is I wish I had kicked her butt out immediately before agreeing to try reconciliation. I had waited to expose her while I gathered more info and thought through all the options. I should have made her leave for a few weeks minimum, a physical separation from me, her family, and the house. I feel certain it would have had a positive impact on her attitude to work things out. I don't think she ever worked as hard as I needed her too, because of the lack of immediate consequences.

craig2001 posted 3/24/2014 12:02 PM

Today, she asked permission to meet with him in private to end it formally – for closure.

That is a huge slap in your face and very disrespectful. I mean your wife had this long term sexual affair and now she needs a proper good bye in private.

Nope.

Tell her you also need closure, which starts with the entire truth and the WHY. Do not let her blame anything in the marriage. Because she could have talked to you instead of some other guy.

Sure, let her be with him in private for closure, than you get your turn in private with him for your closure.

Your wife doesn't get it, she does not yet understand the huge hurt she has caused you. She can say she is sorry until hell freezes over, she needs to understand it and know it.

Your wife doesnt really sound like she totally understands the huge magnitude of the wrong she has done. This isnt like maxing out the credit card or something where an Im sorry is all that is called for.

Didact posted 3/24/2014 15:00 PM

Thank you all for the advice so far. It means a lot.

For better or worse, the no contact has become a non issue, because her texts to him have been blocked. Perhaps OP wife is getting involved.

We re starting some counseling, and Std tests taken today.

It takes a lot of awareness, energy, and attention to run a small business. Had I used the same, maybe I catch things before it happens or prevent it. However, today I couldn't work.

It means a lot to hear from people who only haven't interest in mind, as there'd be no other reason to reply to posts like mine.

It's nice to feel something good, thank you

doggiediva posted 3/24/2014 16:57 PM

Hi Didact,
There was nothing you could have done to prevent your WW from having an affair. NOTHING...
Having an affair was your WW's way to cope with whatever was bugging her instead of coming to you and talking about it..... Some people over drink, over shop/spend, over eat, over work, etc..
Please don't assume that it was something you did/didn't/don't do that makes her turn to another man..
You have no more control/prevention over your WW's choice to have an A than you would in preventing a perfectly healthy person from suddenly dropping dead at your feet..
Seeing this, knowing this has got to be the basis for how you proceed with your decisions..
Your first priority is to take care of yourself, your physical and mental health...
Take care of what happens on your side of the street..
Even the best of marriages can be blindsided by an A or other betrayal..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:58 PM, March 24th (Monday)]