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You don't look the same

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Ivyivy posted 3/24/2014 07:46 AM

So this weekend my WH told me that my facial expression has changed. He said I used to have a "kind" facial expression and now my facial expression is generally "mean" except for when I am looking at my DS and then it is kind/loving.

I wanted to say that I am a different person since Dday but I did not engage and just let the comment go.

Williesmom posted 3/24/2014 07:51 AM

That is a pretty ignorant comment for him to make. Does he not realize that his actions caused a complete rift in your life as you know it?

You need to express yourself and not just walk away. Otherwise, he'll never "get it".

BtraydWife posted 3/24/2014 07:59 AM

Correct him or this will continue.

It's not mean.

It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you.

Tell him he looks different to you too. He looks like a horse's asshole now.

The "mean" comment gives the impression there is something wrong with you and your reaction to his long term betrayal. It's a passive aggressive dig for him having to deal with the consequences of his actions. It's subtle blameshifting.

He's not remorseful.

freeatlast72 posted 3/24/2014 07:59 AM

I am definitely a different person since Dday! I am a more ANGRY person!

I keep telling my friends that if I or everyone who has been cheated on walked around like nothing happenend and showed no anger towards WH and OW, then society would think cheating and their inappropriate behavior with OW was no big deal!!

[This message edited by freeatlast72 at 8:01 AM, March 24th (Monday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 3/24/2014 08:49 AM


It's not mean.

It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you.

Tell him he looks different to you too. He looks like a horse's asshole now.

The "mean" comment gives the impression there is something wrong with you and your reaction to his long term betrayal. It's a passive aggressive dig for him having to deal with the consequences of his actions. It's subtle blameshifting.

He's not remorseful.

THIS!!!

stunnedin12 posted 3/24/2014 09:03 AM


It's not mean.
It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you.

Tell him he looks different to you too. He looks like a horse's asshole now.

The "mean" comment gives the impression there is something wrong with you and your reaction to his long term betrayal. It's a passive aggressive dig for him having to deal with the consequences of his actions. It's subtle blameshifting.

He's not remorseful.

THIS!!!

Double This!

Which part of your spouse having an affair is supposed to make you walk around looking like you're on cloud nine?

Shayna71 posted 3/24/2014 09:25 AM

My husband told me I used to look happy all the time, and now I don't ever seem to. I just gave him the "No shit!" look, and he gave me back the, "I know, I'm sorry" look.

solus sto posted 3/24/2014 09:39 AM

Huh. Ya think?!

I'm almost 4 years out from the last d-day and I am generally in a very good place, much happier, able to see the marriage and infidelity for what it was, and so on.

Three weeks ago today, I looked in the mirror and decided something: that line, deeply furrowed, that remained between my eyebrows still---that line that had not been there before d-day, and was a painful reminder of the fallout of my husband's selfish and destructive choices---had to go.

(Those muscles are strong and have a LONG memory---and your mother wasn't lying when she said, "Don't make that face or it will stick that way!")

Anyway, yeah, we don't look the same. That's the product of severe trauma. It's not the punishment that a self-serving WS might interpret it to be. It's the external manifestation of grave, soul-crushing agony. We didn't exactly choose this, and we don't like the outcome, cosmetic or otherwise.

Fortunately, the cosmetic can often be changed quite easily. A little bit of Botox got rid of that line, and I see myself again when I look in the mirror.

But Botox won't cure any of the other stuff that infidelity delivers. I never got a real answer to this, but did you ask your husband how he expected you to respond to betrayal, as he planned his affair? What did he think you'd look like, when your truth was crushed and you had to build a new one?

[This message edited by solus sto at 9:42 AM, March 24th (Monday)]

hikingwithkoda posted 3/24/2014 11:38 AM

That is a pretty ignorant comment for him to make. Does he not realize that his actions caused a complete rift in your life as you know it?

Hope this isn't a t/j, but my WW has said similar ignorant things. Three months out, I'm just now starting to sleep through the night and not wake up an hour or more earlier than I have to. One morning, as I was complaining about how desperately tired I was, she commented, "Why don't you sleep in more?" I was dumbfounded. She literally wasn't putting 2 and 2 together. I'm choosing to believe it was ignorance, not mean-spiritedness. Someone in another thread wrote something about how, for WSs, once they end the A, it's over for them. For us it continues on and on. I really think that's a little of what happens with us; she literally doesn't immediately consider that her actions are still causing me great pain. Luckily, when I remind her, she immediately becomes the loving, remorseful wife she can be.

ncharge posted 3/24/2014 11:53 AM


I mentioned something like this to my WH this weekend. I never used to actually frown - you know, with the sides of my mouth pushing down instead of up. I have noticed that I frown a lot now. It even FEELS weird. I want my old expressions back.

tushnurse posted 3/24/2014 12:17 PM

YOU absolutely have to call him out on this type of crappy statement, and make him own the fact that he changed you.

It is unacceptable for him to blame you for your pain. He caused this shitstorm that is now your life, the least he can do is own it, and start to help you heal.

Howie posted 3/24/2014 12:50 PM

"Anyway, yeah, we don't look the same. That's the product of severe trauma. It's not the punishment that a self-serving WS might interpret it to be. It's the external manifestation of grave, soul-crushing agony. We didn't exactly choose this, and we don't like the outcome, cosmetic or otherwise." You said it.
My wife's betrayal was without doubt, the single most important event in my life between birth and in the future death. I concede that after "discovery" ,she did ALL the right things.But with the best will in the world she still has no real comprehension of the pain she caused; she was not the victim.
Yes, you look different, you see different, you are different. You may , say, still believe in truth, beauty,love.( I hope so! )But you are not the same person, how could you be- you've gone to Hell--and back.

Nature_Girl posted 3/24/2014 13:09 PM

Correct him or this will continue.
It's not mean.

It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you.

Tell him he looks different to you too. He looks like a horse's asshole now.

The "mean" comment gives the impression there is something wrong with you and your reaction to his long term betrayal. It's a passive aggressive dig for him having to deal with the consequences of his actions. It's subtle blameshifting.

He's not remorseful.

TRIPLE THIS!

Nip these kind of comments in the bud now. That kind of comment is incredibly insensitive even for a spouse that didn't cheat. But to come from a WS? Oh hell no!

Ostrich80 posted 3/24/2014 20:19 PM

I get told a lot by ws that I look mad or look like I hate life. My face has,changed, I see it. It's the thoughts that run thru my mind showing on my face. Its even visible in pix. I look diff in pre A pix vs now. Of course our wa would like us to paste a big smile on our face, so they can tell themselves everything's FINE..JUST FINE. BLEHH!!

TheBestMe posted 3/24/2014 20:33 PM

((Ivyivy))
OMG... My H just said this tonight. He said that I was being mean to him. No s--t Sherlock.
I did what the other poster did, just gave him a look that said it all:

It's shock, sadness, disappointment, disgust, and revulsion. And it's all the crap he dumped onto you
.

Tell him he looks different to you too

^^^ He sure does....

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